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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Stops Me From Helping Others

280 replies

MySaturday · 22/03/2022 11:05

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2022 12:31

whilst being called a doormat for making sure my DP has what he needs?

Well, his needs appear to be "my wife must not help others or I will strop"

Hertsgirl10 · 22/03/2022 12:32

I thought some replies would be an eye opener but you’re very defensive of his controlling behaviour.

He is abusive and controlling, I’m sorry that you can’t see it but even your thread title says he STOPS you it doesn’t say that he just doesn’t like it.
His behaviour stops you doing things he likes then he controls what he think you should do on his behalf, he can’t cook so you do, he can’t drive so you do and he can’t bake so you do, for him and who ever else he says you can, but not for the people he doesn’t want you helping.
That’s control and manipulation.
Anxiety doesn’t automatically bring out controlling behaviour and neither does routine, he can have routine without stopping you doing what you want to do, that’s him wanting you to do as he likes. Hence the silent treatment and strops when you kick against it. There’s no excuses for his behaviour.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2022 12:33

He does stuff for me - mundane stuff like the washing up

Why is the washing up your job? Why is he doing it "for you"? He is doing it because he doesn't cook.

implantreplace · 22/03/2022 12:38

And do those “others” ever do anything for you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/03/2022 12:40

He's a selfish dick.

ComeSailAway · 22/03/2022 12:40

The sulking would be a red flag for me. Does he do the "silent treatment"? If so I would tell him to do one!

Momicrone · 22/03/2022 12:40

It can be annoying if something needs doing in your own house

Shinyandnew1 · 22/03/2022 12:41

Ask him why he volunteers your time out but you can’t volunteer your own

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/03/2022 12:42

YANBU. He is being unreasonable to farm you out but get mad when you do something by your own choice.

And washing up is only a favour to you if the dishes are all yours.

GabriellaMontez · 22/03/2022 12:42

What else does his anxiety stop you doing? How is he treating it?

Traumdeuter · 22/03/2022 12:43

Not remotely surprised that he “can’t” cook tbh.

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/03/2022 12:44

@oldestmumaintheworld

He sounds like a selfish whiney arse. And I don't care if he is anxious. Being anxious doesn't give you the right to be a sulky manchild.
This!
Marvellousmadness · 22/03/2022 12:45

You do you . he can't stop you

But do realise most babies are born at night. So a big possibility that you will have the 2yo in the middle of the night yeah

aloris · 22/03/2022 12:46

It needs to be a balance. I know a couple of adult women who, when they were children, had mothers who did for everyone except their own family. These women were seen as "saints" by friends and the community, because they did so much for others, but their own children felt a little forgotten. So I think it's important to be open to evaluating, am I doing too much for people outside of my family, and not doing right by my family as a result?

Then other factors you would put into that, are (IMO) that women kind of have this underground network of helping each other that makes the world go around. When I had my youngest child, I had no family support, but I had a friend who was willing to care for my older children while I was in labor, so my husband could be with me. In return, when she had HER child, I did the same for her. This sort of thing appears to be invisible to many men, from what I can see. They think the children just watch themselves, I don't know, or they think women's magic will handle it (and it does!). So that is a way that helping others is also helping yourself: by supporting the other woman, you enable them to support you when YOU need it.

Your husband volunteering you to do things for people he has chosen as beneficiaries is "cheap grace" for him (you do the work, he gets the credit, and in addition people think of you as his servant) and I wouldn't put up with that.

So I think it's a balance, we should pay attention to how helping others affects our families, but also recognize that sometimes helping others is also building up good karma for when we need it ourselves, and the decision rests with us, not with our spouse.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2022 12:46

And here we have Yet another woman who has to wait X number of years before the scales fall from her eyes, so she can finally divorce, and think 'why on Earth didn't I do that X years ago.'

Original poster
MySaturday · 22/03/2022 12:47

"The washing up isn't "for you" hmm
Neither is getting a takeaway for the family because he doesn't like cooking!

So you are doing the housework, the driving, most of the childcare, going the extra mile to ensure his needs are all met and his routine isn't disrupted, doing favours for his family...
And he sometimes writes you a nice card?"

I don't think that your comments are very fair when I have clearly said that I am happy with how he shows affection.

Also, when I am doing the housework, cooking etc you make it sound like I am doing all of this for him but when he does the washing up or gets a take away this isn't something nice he does for me?

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 22/03/2022 12:49

When women offer to do things for others it is part of being in a community and seeking connection with others. So the less you do the more socially isolated you can become. It's no different to a man saying you can't see your friends. You have needs and wants and he shouldn't dictate what you do with your time.

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2022 12:50

@MySaturday

I was expecting to get the bashing for not putting my DP above others all the time but it seems that he is getting the bashing here and I am a refrigerator / doormat Wink I appreciate that pretty much everyone agrees I should carry on helping others as and when I want to and not pay attention to DP's mean spirit less generous tendencies. I genuinely don't believe he is trying to control me. I should be clear that he does not actually stop me from doing what I want to do, I just get a bit fed up at being met with a wall of sulking (even if it is through anxiety) every time I am trying to help others on my own terms.
Does he sulk every time you go against his wishes?
Nanny0gg · 22/03/2022 12:52

@MySaturday

"The washing up isn't "for you" hmm Neither is getting a takeaway for the family because he doesn't like cooking!

So you are doing the housework, the driving, most of the childcare, going the extra mile to ensure his needs are all met and his routine isn't disrupted, doing favours for his family...
And he sometimes writes you a nice card?"

I don't think that your comments are very fair when I have clearly said that I am happy with how he shows affection.

Also, when I am doing the housework, cooking etc you make it sound like I am doing all of this for him but when he does the washing up or gets a take away this isn't something nice he does for me?

Because the default position is that you do it.

So when he does it, it's a bonus, not expected.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/03/2022 12:53

I'd leave this thread if I were you op. You clearly cannot see anything wrong in your husband, and since everyone else can, all you're going to get is umpteen messages which will upset you. I don't think there's any way anyone can write it at the moment for you in a way you will understand.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/03/2022 12:53

Do, he's generous with your time when it makes him look good?

He sounds like a self-centered insecure arse hole to me.

D0lphine · 22/03/2022 12:55

@MySaturday

I definitely envisage a future together and generally speaking I just keep doing what I want to do and ignore the sulks. I am hoping that if I do this he will just get used to it! He is an anxious person who highly values a strong sense of routine and I think the sulking comes from a place of panic - but I always go the extra mile to ensure that his needs are met and his routine is not disrupted.
Fuck me this sounds like hard work!

You sound like you're talking about a child OP!

What does he do to look after you? Anything?

whynotwhatknot · 22/03/2022 12:56

why is doing the washing up a favour he does bugger all else

D0lphine · 22/03/2022 12:58

Sulking IS a means of control OP

Thelnebriati · 22/03/2022 12:58

Is he taking steps to manage his anxiety, or change in other ways? Would he learn to cook?