DP Stops Me From Helping Others

[MySaturday]

I like to think that I am a pretty generous spirit and will offer to help people out when I feel I am able to, even if it inconveniences me (within reason).
I always put my family's needs first and would not offer to do anything that causes them unreasonable disruption, but find that DP gets into a massive sulk if I offer to assist anyone in a way that could possibly disrupt usual service (I do all of the cooking, most of the housework and we share childcare duties but I do more because I work PT).

For example, I am on a list of people to take care of a friend's 2YO when she goes into labour with second child. This could happen soon and DP has just started worrying that we might have to take 2YO overnight (even though this is very unlikely and I have said that I will do everything and expect nothing from him if that is the case). This is quite an extreme example, he has sulked over far less.

He is always volunteering me to bake things for family get togethers, give lifts to people (he does not drive) and I always accommodate these things the best I can.
I genuinely can't work out who is being unreasonable here - so please let me know your thoughts!

YABU - you should not offer assistance to others
YANBU - if it is causing DP minimal disruption he shouldn't sulk over it

Making five dinners each week for someone else is a lot. Is this something you initiated, or something he asked you to do?

The thing with emergency babysitting for other women's children, is that it works because when YOU need emergency babysitting, that woman can be there for you. Now, some women take advantage and accept the babysitting without being willing to reciprocate. But if you NEVER do emergency babysitting for another woman, you're unlikely to be able to find someone who will do it for you, because you won't have that relationship of support with each other. This is something I feel men often don't perceive, because, in an emergency, they just take care of themselves. They don't really worry about who will look after the kids, because usually there is a woman around (their wife, their mother, sister, etc) who is already taking care of the children. So that person just....keeps doing what they were already doing. Women, on the other hand, when we have an emergency, have to ask ourselves, how urgent is it that I go to the doctor (or insert your emergency here), since I have no one to sit with the children for me?

I'm back!
I name changed, took a couple of days out to consider a lot of the comments I had received and decided it was discourteous of me to disappear completely when so many of you have given your time to post.

In the meantime we've had a weekend away with my parents, Mother's Day and a childcare crisis (basically, CM is unexpectedly closed this week).
Over the weekend I was spread pretty thin trying to keep everyone happy (DH and parents had conflicting plans, which kept changing and DC was particularly lively because the hotel was new and exciting) and realised that DH is always telling me to put my foot down and stand my ground if MY family is being tricky (all families are sometimes) but if he or his family are being demanding I should just go along with it. I explained this to him and he has apologised. I will remind him of that conversation when if it happens again!

Also, instead of buying nice bouquet fir his grandmother for Mother's Day DH bought a couple of bunches with the expectation that I would arrange them (with foliage from the garden) into a bouquet. I was a bit stretched for time and said I couldn't do it so DH ended up giving the bunches as they were (still separate and in the packaging). He was embarrassed by his mistake and I am sure he will check first next time.

I have arranged some extra childcare (only an extra day a month, but still something) when I am not working and have ring fenced that time to do whatever I choose. Sometimes this might be doing some housework or food shopping on my own without DC there, other times it will be going out/ meeting friends/ treating myself. The main thing is that I will absolutely choose what I do with my time myself.

In answer to some questions;

• I made the arrangement to cook for his elderly family member myself. It has increased to five meals over time but that's because I have suggested it. She pays a little towards the weekly shop. DH walks the food around to her as she lives very nearby.
• It's not that unusual for an adult not to drive where we live. We aren't in the sticks. I only learned to drive a few years ago. The cost for DH to learn would be ridiculous compared to the gain. I really wouldn't feel confident in teaching him myself.
• The sulking ranges from just pulling a face to having a full on argument. Often he'll start to panic over something I have said I will do and then he'll pick a fight over something really random. Communication is not a strong suit! He's working in this and things are improving slowly. Honestly, it has been like this throughout the entire 14 years, but it peaks at times of high stress. He has been very concerned about catching covid. Health anxiety is a big problem.

I am really appreciative of the constructive comments that I have received. It has made me think quite carefully about my behaviour towards DH and also the amount of time I spend on myself.
Whilst the criticism has been difficult to read, a lot of it is true and has helped. However, some comments have been quite mean spirited and totally wide of the mark. Whenever I have tried to respond to them politely it seems to have attracted more condescending or sarcastic comments. Really, that's not necessary.

It sounds like you are pushing back and laying some boundaries, this is great.

The more his choices to dominate your time cause him to have consequences he doesn't like, the better.

Keep saying No I can't do that and he WILL think twice, but ONLY because it impacts him.

Self interest is the greatest motivator for changing behaviour.

You change YOUR behaviour and he may follow suit.

Good luck.

@billy1966
Thank you - I feel positive about the future.

I have definitely learned my lesson about considering the title before I start a thread!

It is a great gift to be able to admit there is a problem, seek advice, reflect, acknowledge your part in the dynamic, contemplate change, and then action that change.

Lots of people find that very difficult to do.
So be proud of yourself.

This is your life, you are the only one who can make it work better for you.