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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another in-laws post birth thread

434 replies

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 10:12

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 22/03/2022 10:21

Gently, YABU. That's their grandchild, and their son's baby. Welcome them, for more than an hour a day, and preserve the relationship. Remember they are equal grandparents and just as excited as your side. Waiting five days when they're a car drive away seems like a long time to me.

You've said they're nice, they're staying in a hotel. I've had two sections and was fine with visitors. Unless they're assholes no one will expect much of you and if it all gets too much just bring the baby to your room for a feed. Your husband can be on tea duty.

One of my loveliest memories is of MIL meeting my first in the hospital. She asked if she could pick the baby up and when I said of course the joy lit up her face. She's a fantastic grandmother and my children adore her. I would hate to have put roadblocks in their relationship.

It might be a long few days, but you can do it and it will be worth it in the long run. Don't take MN as the norm, you're going to get a thread full of horror stories but you've no reason to think your ILs will be like that and in most families everyone just rubs along.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 22/03/2022 10:25

Yabu. Massively.

VainAbigail · 22/03/2022 10:27

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents

These two statements I totally agree with.

FusciasBright21 · 22/03/2022 10:28

Five days really isn't a long time to wait! But my IL didn't come for 6 weeks (their choice). I was also desperate to show off my baby to anyone and everyone so had short visits from friends and my family from a couple of days after the birth. So maybe it wil be fine, but it's so personal!

Original poster
LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 10:29

@JenniferBarkley When you say more than an hour a day - how much time per day seems reasonable? I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so, but if that's unreasonable I'd like to try and set some boundaries which are fair.

OP posts:
derekthe1adyhamster · 22/03/2022 10:30

I was so excited to show off my baby, my parents and in laws all came to the hospital 22 years ago to meet him.
This was well before social media and I had no idea that people hid away 😁
As a potential mother in law, I think what they have suggested is fine. She's a mother and knows what you'll have been through.
I don't know anyone irl who has the type of mil I read about on here
Good luck with the birth

CoreyTaylorisHot · 22/03/2022 10:31

I had my in laws and parents visit straight away as well as my sister/bil and my sister in law.
Couldn't wait to show my beautiful newborn baby off! This was pre covid so they came into hospital the day she was born (I was high on adrenaline at the time! Haha!) in fact my in laws met my baby first as they got there earlier. Then both sets of parents came when I got home, made sure we had some nutritious meals etc

My sis in law (also c section) wanted both sets of grandparents straight away also.

MsTSwift · 22/03/2022 10:32

Aww let them visit! They are staying in a hotel for gods sake! You might be glad of them. My ILs are rubbish but friends and sisters have brilliant mils who are genuinely helpful.

Littlemissprosecco · 22/03/2022 10:32

Let them come, just make sure hubby understands that you need looking after. Get them to make the cups of tea, ask them to bring a cake! For dinner get a take out and enjoy that really precious time together.

TheSmallAssassin · 22/03/2022 10:32

My (now) MiL didn't even know my surname when our first was born, so that shows you how well we knew each other! She came to the hospital the day he was born and of course she got a cuddle! They are really close family to your husband and your baby, no matter how you feel about them.

Maybe they could come down while you are still in hospital? Then they could keep your husband company a bit too when he has to go home, it's a bit of a weird feeling going back to an empty house.

User56436674 · 22/03/2022 10:33

I think 5 days is absolutely fine, by then I was hardly bleeding and my milk supply had settled so I wasn't sitting around with my boobs hanging out (as much!). Just get your DH to explain that you may not be up to long visits and passing the baby around but of course they will get to have a little cuddle at some point. Just make sure the rules are the same for your own parents. Congratulations!

JenniferBarkley · 22/03/2022 10:33

That's for you and your DH to decide OP, but an hour really is nothing. Come in, coats off, cup of tea, cuddle and gone again really. It's not much time and if the baby is unsettled or just gone down they won't get near it.

I would've thought they'd be around for at least the full morning or afternoon - probably both tbh if they're not going to be back for a while and you've already had a few days at home together. Not for weeks on end, but for a couple of days.

ShanghaiDiva · 22/03/2022 10:34

@Littlemissprosecco

Let them come, just make sure hubby understands that you need looking after. Get them to make the cups of tea, ask them to bring a cake! For dinner get a take out and enjoy that really precious time together.
Sound advice here.
FortVictoria · 22/03/2022 10:34

[quote LittleGwyneth]@JenniferBarkley When you say more than an hour a day - how much time per day seems reasonable? I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so, but if that's unreasonable I'd like to try and set some boundaries which are fair.[/quote]
If that’s what you want for the first week, do it. Suggest they come the second week. Yes, it’s good to promote the relationship with the grandparents, but you will have just had major surgery. It’s perfectly reasonable to give yourself a week to recover.

roseopose · 22/03/2022 10:35

In terms of time spent with you, I think an hour isnt really long enough if they have come a long way, but I would suggest they come for a couple hours in the morning each day then pop off for some lunch or something and come back in the afternoon for a couple more hours. It depends on the relationship your partner has with them and whether he wants them around all day, and whether they look after themselves or will expect to be catered for. Personally I wouldn't have wanted my in laws round for a whole day when we first had DD but then I also wouldn't have wanted my own mum around all day!

Littlemissprosecco · 22/03/2022 10:35

You may find them really helpful

MsTSwift · 22/03/2022 10:35

You sound quite paranoid “set some boundaries” what do you think they are going to do - nick your baby?!

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 22/03/2022 10:36

Yanbu, you will be post op, you have no idea how you will feel, how it will go etc.

I would just say that because you don't know how it will go book x date 2 weeks after the c section so you can be sure they can visit, you would hate for them to come down after 4 or 5 days and still be in hospital.

Tbh I wouldn't want anyone I barely know in my house for hours at a time after surgery and while trying to get to grips with a new baby and breastfeeding.

As you say it would be a lot different if they could pop in for an hour and leave again.

SoupDragon · 22/03/2022 10:36

I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so

I think that's fine - especially as you're having a c-section.

I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

Remember that they aren't strangers to your DH - he knows them well. They are family.

I was actually quite glad of the other people holding my babies and making me tea etc. I didn't have to do much when we had visitors (unless I wanted to!)

Dorathedragon · 22/03/2022 10:37

Yabu. I had most of the family come to the hospital! I’d never make grandparents wait 5 days. Your mum and mil have had babies so will know how you’re feeling.

De88 · 22/03/2022 10:37

In my own experience visitors the sooner the better was for me as for those first few days, as long as baby is well fed and comfortable it'll just sleep! It was after about day 3 that they really "woke up" and that was when my boobs were constantly out. Anyone still there at that stage will soon get the message, or at least they'll be on hand helping to make bottles and change nappies.

I think you'll be sore after a c section and I imagine mostly wanting to rest but also needing to be up and about for recovery? (I don't really know) everyone is different. But I definitely found visitors harder to cope with once the lack of sleep had truly kicked in for me, about day 5 onwards.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/03/2022 10:37

Given it is you that is having major surgery you get to decide when you think you will feel comfortable around your ils. They are both dgps but it isn't a race to see the baby first or for the longest ffs!!
They are adults who should respect your circumstances..
And your dh needs to be the gatekeeper... Their visit will surely be better received if they await a genuine invite?
Feeling incapacitated post csection isn't a great place to be hosting guests!

LuaDipa · 22/03/2022 10:38

I think in this instance yab a bit u.

They’re travelling a long way, only staying 2 nights and they are going to be in a hotel. They hardly seem overbearing and it’s perfectly normal for dgp’s to expect to meet their newborn dgc within a week, our parents were all at our house the minute I got back from hospital, as was my lovely next door neighbour (she didn’t stay long, she just wanted a peek and to drop a cake and gifts off). I was tired but delighted to share our joy and even though my pil drive me mad, they have always been loving grandparents. Give them a chance.

InsufficientOven · 22/03/2022 10:39

Honestly my mum was more of a pain after I had just given birth than my MIL. 😅

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/03/2022 10:40

Travelling sat on genitals that aren't bleeding....
Op gets to call the shots.