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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another in-laws post birth thread

434 replies

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 10:12

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

OP posts:
felulageller · 22/03/2022 11:09

Can you compromise and say just the gran.

JenniferBarkley · 22/03/2022 11:10

I don't really see why you wouldn't want someone else holding the baby? Obviously not passing it around strangers in the pub, but close family in your own house - fine. There is no need for this 'special newborn baby bubble' I see talked about on here.

Yeah me neither. I wasn't thinking in these terms until another poster said similar up thread, but we only have one photo of my dad holding DC2, taken on the day he met her. Lovely memories.

Rosehugger · 22/03/2022 11:11

I had inlaws round pretty quickly each time but for short visits, and if they were there a bit longer I went upstairs to feed the baby and so on.

MariaOnCorrie · 22/03/2022 11:11

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage

OFGS when did all this shite come in about other people not holding your baby come from? You know what you might be feeling really ropey and be glad for someone else to hold your baby for a couple of minutes. Dear God!

MariaOnCorrie · 22/03/2022 11:12

It is all about you and your baby, with DH looking after you both. You need to set it up right for your family, not pander to other adults’ idle wants and needs

Other adults? Idle wants and needs? They are your family FGS.

DonnyBurrito · 22/03/2022 11:15

@mummabubs

For what it's worth I don't think you're being unreasonable. They don't sound like they're that close to DH if if they see him two or three times a year (unless they see him much more without you?) Are they often in touch in other ways ie phone or text?

I'll own that I'm biased in this situation but after my DS was born (traumatic birth that ended in theatre) we had very different experiences of each side of the family. Both my parents and in-laws live 3 hours away. I'm really close to my parents, DH sees his parents every couple of months and doesn't contact them between visits. My parents drove to us 2 days after the birth, stayed for 2 hours and then drove back again as they were very mindful I was in pain and not myself and wanted us to have space as a family. DH's parents came the next day, only it transpired whilst they were en route that they'd brought an extra 3 family members with them that we weren't expecting, including a toddler. On day one they were there all there in our tiny house for 6 hours and on day two it was also all day. There was no space to escape it all so I kept having to hobble off to cry in the toilet as I was so utterly overwhelmed by it all. I was also having difficulty feeding DS which I'm sure wasn't helped by feeling so stressed. DH felt stuck as he could see I was struggling but didn't know how to bring it up with his family. Don't be us! If your in-laws are coming get your DH to set boundaries (this is the right word!) They are welcome to come - if that's ok with you - but make it clear you will need space and rest so they need to not overstay their welcome.

Oh wow. I had an eerily similar experience to you, except I think in your situation by the second day I would have had a break down and whisper-screamed (we also had a tiny house) at my partner to tell them to all to fuck off! I can commiserate with the crying in private. I regret not having a better game plan for that situation.

I vowed to never be That Guy if I'm ever lucky enough to be a grandparent.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/03/2022 11:15

I would aim to get them to come down about a week after the baby is born, you don't know when you'll be let out of hospital and if you're home the day after you'll be spending most of the time in bed and trying to adjust to life with a new baby with significantly reduced mobility. Depends how helpful they're going to be really.
As an aside, my DD are now in their late 20's, I'm late 50's and I find myself really looking forward to the day when one of them announces their pregnancy to me, and I'm sure by the time the baby's born I will be beside myself with excitement and eager to support them in any way they want which my own mother never did for me despite being 4 miles down the road

Justcallmebebes · 22/03/2022 11:16

My FIL held my daughter before I did and they had such a lovely close relationship. They adored each other and he had many gc's. I too have a v close relationship with my gc's who I had a lot of contact with from day 1. Grandparent/child relationship is so precious

Butteryflakycrust83 · 22/03/2022 11:18

Aww OP sorry some people are being so unnecessarily harsh. You are right - you feel very vulnerable after birth and your body is doing all sorts and of course you dont want to have to worry about that in front of people you are not close with.

That being said, talk to DH and manage expectations now. He is the one who will be hosting, not you. You should be sat as comfy as possible having what you need brought to you. You absolutely will want to show off baby once they are here, and the GPs will love all the cuddles. Its magical. And when you need a break, you can take baby away for a feed.

spudjulia · 22/03/2022 11:18

Lots of PP talk about positive experiences with PILs. I'll balance it out by telling you my experience. My MIL lives abroad and came to stay for 2 weeks after my section. She brought her husband and her daughter (half sibling to my DH). They came 2 days after I got out of hospital and it was awful. I was unwell and exhausted and unprepared for the day 4 (is it day 4? It was a decade ago so forgive me if I've got that wrong) drop in hormones - baby blues. The visit did irreversible damage to our relationship and we were all to blame. I was resentful about some things she said/the way she behaved and generally them being around when I was so vulnerable. She was resentful that I was unreceptive to her 'advice' and that I was uncomfortable with them being there. The fact is they came far too soon and for far too long given that we didn't have a strong relationship to start with (like you, with them living abroad if only really met them a handful of times).

They are going to stay in a hotel, so that will mean you get some space. Can it be booked last minute? Because the problem is you won't know how you feel until after the baby is born. You may feel fabulous and love showing your baby off and relish seeing the start of a special relationship between your child and their family (it is magical how you grow much fonder of people who love your child almost as much as you do). Or you may feel irritable, weepy, exhausted, hormonal and in pain and not in a good place to strengthen a relationship.

Halllyup17 · 22/03/2022 11:19

Trust me, you'll be lactating a heck of a lot more on day 5 than day 1.

I don't think it's unreasonable to give yourself a day or two, but let your in-laws meet and hold their grandchild soon after birth, not two weeks later, especially if you have no problem with your parents being there.

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 22/03/2022 11:20

to easily transition between being dressed and breastfeeding I strongly suggest getting a nursing bra. They have a clip on the front part of the shoulder strap, and when you unhook that clip, the whole part of the bra material covering the breast on that side can be folded down without you taking your bra off. Seriously reduces the faff with breastfeeding. (I got a couple from M&S.)

DD is 11. There were no breastfeeding bras big enough when she was born (I was a JJ). Absolutely no way feeding was going to be discrete!

Hshuznw · 22/03/2022 11:21

@MsTSwift

You sound quite paranoid “set some boundaries” what do you think they are going to do - nick your baby?!
This. They live several hours away. My MIL is the sort I would need to set boundaries with but because they live several hours and we see them 2-3 times a year, I deliberately don’t and let her do what she wants with DC so she doesn’t feel excluded.
spudjulia · 22/03/2022 11:21

I don't think the idea of having some boundaries is that wild. I've already told my family that I don't want to pass the baby around, no-one kissing her.

It is not wild and not unreasonable. You will be a brand new mum, having just given birth (and having surgery). It's absolutely fine to set some boundaries.

Chewbecca · 22/03/2022 11:22

It would be unreasonable if they wanted to stay with you and expected you to look after them.

But they are staying in a hotel and just want to meet their GC.

I’d say any time they want is fine tbh.

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 22/03/2022 11:23

@MariaOnCorrie

It is all about you and your baby, with DH looking after you both. You need to set it up right for your family, not pander to other adults’ idle wants and needs

Other adults? Idle wants and needs? They are your family FGS.

The in laws are DH and DD’s family. I absolutely don’t consider them to be mine.

I guess we are all different. 🤷🏻‍♀️

LBFseBrom · 22/03/2022 11:23

They should certainly visit, your baby will be your mother in law's grandchild after all and she'll be excited. However I think at five days, it's too soon. I'd wait a month before having visitors. See how you feel when it happens, op, I know some mothers are bouncing around within twenty four hours of giving birth but not all by any means.

ItsLisaLou · 22/03/2022 11:24

Everyone’s different OP, don’t worry about comparisons. For instance my best mate had her family in the actual room when she gave birth - whereas I’ve told my family I’ll have visitors after 2 weeks. At the end of the day no one will remember how long they waited, what’s important is that you’re happy and comfortable :)

Rinatinabina · 22/03/2022 11:25

I think 5 days is fine, the baby will most likely sleep a lot, send them out with DH to do errands grab lunch etc if you want. Mine would hold my my baby while I slept or showered so it’s not that bad. I do know how you feel though but it’s 2 days.

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 22/03/2022 11:26

@Chewbecca

It would be unreasonable if they wanted to stay with you and expected you to look after them.

But they are staying in a hotel and just want to meet their GC.

I’d say any time they want is fine tbh.

Meeting their grandchild takes what, 15 mins?

The rest is either support for the parents (mainly mum and so her needs should take priority as she’s done all the hard work) it selfish desire to spend time with a baby that doesn’t do anything and needs its basic needs met by its parents.

ivykaty44 · 22/03/2022 11:26

I think you're being a bit mean, they will be excited as will your parents.

Hercisback · 22/03/2022 11:26

I had an EMCS and 7 day hospital stay but inlaws were fine.
This idea of no one holding the baby is bonkers. Why not?
It was welcome relief when someone held the baby, I could sleep or eat!

irishfarmer · 22/03/2022 11:26

I'm the reverse. I'm expecting our first this summer. My ILs live about 5 mins down the road. My mam lives about 3 hours away. I've told her she can obviously come see the baby once I am home (currently still not allowed in hospital). I've said come for maybe 2 days and 1 night. Then to come back up after 2 weeks when my DH has gone back to work FT to help out for a week if she wants.

I expect my MIL will be around a lot more than that, but only for v short visits. DH is a farmer so he won't really be taking 2 weeks off fully.

Would something like that work with your ILs? My mam would be very upset if I wanted her to wait a few weeks to meet the baby. I'd imagine your DHs mam would feel the same.

ravenmum · 22/03/2022 11:27

After my c section I got mastitis and was in hospital for 10 days. You don't know what's going to happen or how you're going to feel. Them being flexible about coming at all is key.
I can't see anything wrong with reminding them in advance that you might be feeling knackered or in pain, or having trouble breastfeeding and want some privacy, so they might not get to spend too much time with you and the baby.
My PILs lived the same distance away but they were still OK with a quick look at the gcs in the hospital. If you're not in the hospital with visiting times, make sure that your dh is well briefed, on your team and knows how to get them to leave if required. Perhaps he could even take them out for another hour to a café or something, so they get a little bit longer with him?

spudjulia · 22/03/2022 11:30

Id also add that, yes, you're talking about your husbands family. But he isn't the one that's had all the hormones and the surgery or who may or may not be learning how to breastfeed. He will not be required to get undressed in front of people to feed the baby, or clean a wound/have stitches removed etc. Your well-being in the first few weeks is really important.

I found it really hard to breast feed after a section. I couldn't get a hold right. It required a lot of me being half naked and moving round and i felt so uncomfortable doing that in front of someone I hardly knew. So I used to escape upstairs and do that in bed and it takes hours. This pissed MIL off and she called me a prude for not wanting to be on the sofa in front of MIL, her partner and her daughter. It was an awful time.

Second time round I didn't have visitors for about a month and that month was amazing.