It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

Obviously she didn't stay at H&M, she stayed in a B&B!

My in laws are so bizarre. They turned up for their visit when Dh was out and Dd asleep upstairs we made polite conversation about the weather. Then I said “you know I’ve had a baby” 😁 it was like they didn’t want to bring it up! Surreal!

I'd go with the weekend after your discharged, so you have time to recover from the surgery and get used to breastfeeding. It's not that long after birth so baby won't have changed a great deal. I'd also make sure husband knew he is in charge of entertaining them, making drinks/food etc and that you may need to go spend time in the bedroom alone to rest.
I had my daughter on a Monday, all grandparents visited on the Saturday, in-laws had to stay over as no hotels and lived 3hrs away, i didn't mind though as they are super at helping with jobs and didn't expect to sit around holding the baby all weekend.
Those first few days of just us was so lovely.

@VainAbigail

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents

These two statements I totally agree with.

This.

@TheSmallAssassin

My (now) MiL didn't even know my surname when our first was born, so that shows you how well we knew each other! She came to the hospital the day he was born and of course she got a cuddle! They are really close family to your husband and your baby, no matter how you feel about them.

Maybe they could come down while you are still in hospital? Then they could keep your husband company a bit too when he has to go home, it's a bit of a weird feeling going back to an empty house.

I'd be really surprised if this was allowed (visits in hospital post c section) during covid.

they are equal grandparents
Going to get slated here but actually, not in my view. However that's mostly because i think that when your own mum comes to visit you after a birth they are as much about you (or should be) as the baby. I know my mum was, whereas my inlaws were 95% about holding the baby and 5% wondering why i was staggering around like a zombie.

Having said that, if they're ok in a hotel, 5 days sounds fine to me.

Well they are equal grandparents 😁 but I'm not going to slate you because I know what you mean and I also think most women are going to be far more comfortable with their own mum if they are having any issues or are struggling in anyway. My mum couldn't visit until my first was 2 weeks old as she had an awful cold. I remember crying on the phone to her when I was struggling to breastfeed- I wouldn't have done that with my MIL. Would not have felt comfortable and did not have a close relationship with her.

Argh bold fail 🙄 first para should have been bold

Before the birth of my daughter I nearly went no contact with my in-laws. I'm so, so glad I didn't. Once the children were born we very much had an interest in common and we became good friends.
They did so much for our family and I learnt so much about parenting from them.
Sadly my FIL died when the children were quite young, but happily DMil lived to a ripe old age and was so loved by the children that she was the rock on which our family was based.
And to think I almost went no contact with them.

So OP prepare to be pleasantly surprised. Well I hope you are.

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

Remind me who does all the hard work……..

they are equal grandparents

Genetically, perhaps. In other senses, maybe not.

@VainAbigail Well no, they're not. His mother is an equal grandmother. His stepfather is a knob and not a grandparent.

@Oldtiredlady You're allowed two visitors at any one time at the moment, unless things change. So DH and his mum could. FIL couldn't, but I don't think anyone would be sad about that, including him.

@Cas112

*That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents*

Sorry OP but your being really unreasonable and I also think 5 days is a long time for them to wait

How is 5 days a long time? She might not be discharged from hospital after her op until day 2 or 3?

Due to distance and her not being able to drive, my MIL wasn't able to meet my son until he was 3 weeks old. She died very unexpectedly when he was 3 months old so hardly got to meet and know him. It's something I deeply regret not being able to let her know him more and him know her. Please let your in laws visit your baby early on. You never know what might happen!!

I was still in hospital 7 days after DS was born via emergency c-section. He had e.coli and I had a PPH so neither of us were very well.

It is a major op and whilst I was up and about within a few days I was absolutely exhausted and couldn’t cope with visitors for much more than an hour at a time when we eventually got home.

I’d be tempted to let them book a refundable hotel and then see how you feel.

Genetically, perhaps. In other senses, maybe not.

They haven't had a chance to be anything yet. I know of more than one family where the father's parents are the more involved grandparents. Of course they're not equal to OP, no one is suggesting she needs to cry on her MIL's shoulder or have her help with breastfeeding, of course it's natural that she'll turn to her mum for that. But in terms of the baby, they're all equal.

And setting out on an unequal footing ensures it will always remain that way.

Your PIL aren't visitors. They are family. I think YABU here for wanting to hold off on the visit, especially since they won't even be staying with you. Will you also cut visiting times of your side of the family and not let your parents hold the baby, and your siblings? Or is it just the PIL you are not comfortable with?

Let them come, let them help look after you & baby. Communication really is key though, make sure they know you will not be playing hosts and you shouldn't feel bad if you have to say you & baby need time and have to take yourselves to bed, for a rest etc.
I was so grateful for family being around me. I had a planned section and whilst I wasn't in agony, I was certainly uncomfortable and limited with movements etc leaving DH to do literally everything for the first couple of week. Having our families around also meant help for him in look after us.

It does take a village, OP. You'll see.

For what it's worth I don't think you're being unreasonable. They don't sound like they're that close to DH if if they see him two or three times a year (unless they see him much more without you?) Are they often in touch in other ways ie phone or text?

I'll own that I'm biased in this situation but after my DS was born (traumatic birth that ended in theatre) we had very different experiences of each side of the family. Both my parents and in-laws live 3 hours away. I'm really close to my parents, DH sees his parents every couple of months and doesn't contact them between visits. My parents drove to us 2 days after the birth, stayed for 2 hours and then drove back again as they were very mindful I was in pain and not myself and wanted us to have space as a family. DH's parents came the next day, only it transpired whilst they were en route that they'd brought an extra 3 family members with them that we weren't expecting, including a toddler. On day one they were there all there in our tiny house for 6 hours and on day two it was also all day. There was no space to escape it all so I kept having to hobble off to cry in the toilet as I was so utterly overwhelmed by it all. I was also having difficulty feeding DS which I'm sure wasn't helped by feeling so stressed. DH felt stuck as he could see I was struggling but didn't know how to bring it up with his family. Don't be us! If your in-laws are coming get your DH to set boundaries (this is the right word!) They are welcome to come - if that's ok with you - but make it clear you will need space and rest so they need to not overstay their welcome.

@JenniferBarkley

Genetically, perhaps. In other senses, maybe not.

They haven't had a chance to be anything yet. I know of more than one family where the father's parents are the more involved grandparents. Of course they're not equal to OP, no one is suggesting she needs to cry on her MIL's shoulder or have her help with breastfeeding, of course it's natural that she'll turn to her mum for that. But in terms of the baby, they're all equal.

And setting out on an unequal footing ensures it will always remain that way.

Their interest and support during pregnancy doesn’t count for anything?

I would say don't tell them what they can or can't do, just tell them what you can manage and they can base their decisions on that. My mum or mil would do the drive ASAP see the baby for an hour then go home. Then have a better visit staying in hotel a few weeks later.

Make it clear they are priority and you won't be having lots of other visitors until a bit later either. If you have a revolving door of friends and aunties coming then it is unfair not to have MIL too. (Obv your own mum is a bit different, but I would make mil next visitor if you are postponing her).

I'm not going to slate you because I know what you mean and I also think most women are going to be far more comfortable with their own mum if they are having any issues or are struggling in anyway

thanks, @BellatrixOnABadDay, that's the point i was trying to make.

My MIL didn't visit (we live in different countries) but some of my SIL did and i have to say they were bloody brilliant. They cleaned the entire house, cooked, told me when i was being a bit PFB (8 kids between them) and gave me hints about taking the baby in the car seat into the bathroom and having a shower, and if the baby cried for the entirety of the 5 minutes it takes to shower, well that was unfortunate but not the end of the world. All the kinds of things that are exceedingly useful to a first time new mum

MIL would have settled imperiously on the sofa and expected everyone to attend to her every whim so i was happy she stayed away.

My own mum came over once the SILs had departed (they stayed a week) and stayed for 2 weeks, at the time when having a baby started to get really difficult for me to wrap my head round. There was lots of hair stroking and crying.

I had a crash C section after an invasive and exhausting week long induction. My mum came to help me straight away, but PIL had booked a last minute holiday around my due date so weren't around for the first week anyway.

That first week was the hardest week of my life. My maternity knickers didn't come far enough over my incision and I was still huge so I had to wear my partners boxers with the waistband cut at the sides. My legs and feet were like tree trunks they were so swollen. I could barely walk, I could barely get up off the bed. My milk took about 4 days to come in so feeding was getting a bit fraught, and I was barely sleeping... I was a MESS. I am so glad my PIL weren't there that first week, I barely know them and I would not have been up for putting on an act for any length of time if they were able to come sooner than they did.

Maybe say your PIL could come in the morning for an hour or two, then give you time alone in the afternoon while they go out and pick up some food or whatever you might be needing for the baby, then come back in the evening to cook you all a meal? God I wish I'd have thought of asking mine to do that...

When my PIL came back from their holiday they had a nice first visit of a few hours, cuddling the baby as much as they wanted and having a cup of tea with us and they gave us some gifts for the baby. It was a nice visit, I was still a mess but it was just the two of then and it didn't last that long. The second visit, however, they showed up (empty handed) with lots of other family members without asking us first. I was shattered and trying to rest upstairs, and hoped they'd come and go like the first time, but they all stayed for 4 hours. I wasn't confident enough at that point to ask them to leave, and I just cried upstairs wishing they would go home so I could nurse my baby in peace.

You may be a sore, emotional wreck like I was in your postpartum recovery ! I wish we'd have set up visiting hours. Do not host people for unlimited hours on end that you do not know well.

@LittleGwyneth , to easily transition between being dressed and breastfeeding I strongly suggest getting a nursing bra. They have a clip on the front part of the shoulder strap, and when you unhook that clip, the whole part of the bra material covering the breast on that side can be folded down without you taking your bra off. Seriously reduces the faff with breastfeeding. (I got a couple from M&S.)

I also totally understand not being comfortable feeding in front of other people. I wasn't even happy feeding in front of my own parents, and I have always left the room to go and feed. Only my DH, the midwives in the hospital, and people at the local breastfeeding support group have ever seen me feed.

I'd love to have mastered feeding to the extent that I could feed super discreetly in a coffee shop, but it's always a major faff getting my baby on the breast, as I have flat nipples and am using shields, so there's a huge risk of inadvertently showing a lot of boob.

I am super grateful for all the advice by the way - it's so helpful to hear about other people's recovery. It seems like there isn't a total consensus on what's reasonable or not. The points about making sure that their hotel is refundable, and about not telling them what to do but telling them what we're up to are both especially useful.

Let them come, and they can clean the house, cook you food, do the laundry etc. Hold the baby while you nap. I would have loved some help at that stage, in whatever form it came. Yes you will be bleeding, hormonal, lactating, getting to grips with breastfeeding. Your MIL has had at least one child, she'll understand. Your FIL will probably stare out the window awkwardly and find some jobs to do outside.

I don't really see why you wouldn't want someone else holding the baby? Obviously not passing it around strangers in the pub, but close family in your own house - fine. There is no need for this 'special newborn baby bubble' I see talked about on here.

Oh and if you've had enough of their company you can always go to bed!

You need to see how you will feel after the c-section. I was in and out of hospital with high blood pressure and hip pain for the first couple of weeks … not to mention the constipation.

DH needs to be your gatekeeper on this.

Nobody needs to be booking hotels before you have had your baby and declared that you are well enough for visits.

For my first, I got visits in the hospital (… but wasn’t too comfortable with it, tbh); for my second, I booked a postpartum doula and resisted visits for weeks.

It is all about you and your baby, with DH looking after you both. You need to set it up right for your family, not pander to other adults’ idle wants and needs.