It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

I had 2 C sections. You won't know how well you will feel or how quickly you will recover. I would not make any arrangements until at least 5 days after the birth.

I had to have anti-coagulant injections daily and the midwife could arrive at any time to administer those.

It’s such a glamorous experience.

I think I would want my DH to be around when they came if I didn't know them well, so while he was on leave from work even if that meant in the first week.

I can only talk about my own experience where I was actually looked after by my MIL when I came out of hospital.

These in-laws are your baby's family and it is lovely to have other people who also dote on your child as they grow up.

@OnceAgainWithFeeling your poor children to have a mother who thinks like this . One day this may well be you. I take it you wouldn't object to taking your In Laws money in a will ?

OP, very kindly many people (pre-covid) have visitors in hospital when they are 'bleeding and lactating a lot' - that's not a great excuse to exclude your in-laws. If you don't want them there that is fine, but that is something you and your husband need agree on or it's not fair.

I think if this thread has shown anything it's that there is a huge variation in what people consider 'reasonable' in terms of introducing baby to people, so best to just do what you're comfortable with and forget everyone else. I'm due in May and have said to both my mum and DH that I'm not making any solid plans/promises to anyone before the birth about when they can come and visit. If we're all good and buzzing to show the baby off then by all means come on down. If I'm a mess and need more time, then people have to be patient. Babies don't have an expiry date, waiting a week or two longer to meet the baby won't kill the grandparents, but getting overwhelmed when you're postpartum and not 100% could be horrendous for you. Wishing you all the best for your section and meeting your new baby

If they're staying in a hotel that's a lot off your plate already. When my ILs visited when dc1 was a few weeks old they did nothing and expected us to wait on them while they stayed with us- they were quickly corrected and shown where the kettle was! Luckily we only had 2 visits before they lost interest and haven't seen them since.

imo 5 days/a week is perfectly reasonable, and it's not unreasonable to set some boundaries like you don't want baby passed around, no kissing, no visits if unwell, baby is handed to you if they start to fuss/need a feed.
If MIL is practical she may well come and do housework, cook, laundry etc for you (which I always appreciated when my mum visited in the early days!). Even holding the baby while you shower can be a godsend.

Personally, I found bleeding settled much sooner after my EMCS than vaginal birth and by day 5 it was light spotting and I was mostly back to normal and doing school runs, shopping, driving etc (obviously everyone is different and you don't know before hand).

I did find that it was establishing breast feeding that was the harder part, i had zero issue in feeding anywhere or in front of anyone but found visitors were generally very generous with time and would do the dishes, pop a load of laundry on or something practical while I was feeding. Don't be shy in accepting offers of help.

best to just do what you're comfortable with and forget everyone else

Always the best way for family harmony

YABVVVU Both my mum and ILs visited in hospital. My mum was there on the day (by accident). ILs within a day or two. They are the father's parents and children's grandparents.

[quote MariaOnCorrie]@OnceAgainWithFeeling your poor children to have a mother who thinks like this . One day this may well be you. I take it you wouldn't object to taking your In Laws money in a will ?[/quote]
Based on what? You have no idea of all the shit they’ve pulled. There comes a point where blood is so much thinner than water (and they aren’t my blood - I married DH (a legal arrangement), not his family).

I won’t have any part in their money now or after they have gone. I’m polite to them on the rare occasion we interact but have no interest in a relationship with them now. Too much water has passed.

DH maintains DD’s relationship with them, but even so, they’d struggle to tell you anything about her.

YANBU.

I'm your MIL to my lovely DIL. Pre-babies we'd hardly met. I waited until I was asked, had short visits and felt sad when I went. Post-baby it's the mother's needs that comes first. You have no idea how you'll feel so say exactly what you want.

@toomanypjs and @tabithahazel I've said several times that I'd be delighted for them to visit in hospital, but I don't think that's going to be enough for them as it would mean only visiting for an hour or two a day, for a a couple of days.

Aww I've such fond memories of DP just so puffed up with pride as a new dad and sharing that joy and awe with his parents. They were just so delighted for him, for us and for their newest GC.
They were the best grandparents ever to DS and are sorely missed.

If there's no reason to dislike them, or they've done nothing wrong, do let them visit as much as you can manage - they may surprise you.

My MIL was quite lovely from the beginning but we became much closer after I had DS and we had motherhood in common and never overstepped.

@DisforDarkChocolate You sound like a really wonderful MIL though

YANBU.
I was in the opposite situation to you. In laws an hour away, my mum and brother 4-5 hours away

I didn't make any plans until after the birth of DD, but felt great (didn't feel sick for the first time in 8 months), so went to inlaws for the afternoon when DD was 2 days old (day after coming home from hospital). But my mum and brother didn't meet DD until she was 3 weeks old and stayed at a local b&b. I found it quite intense, as my mother doesn't respect my boundaries at all, and they stayed at our house quite late and she imparted lots of unsolicited advice (I'm now no contact for many many other reasons).

I'm sure in London there is a good choice of accommodation, so you should just leave any decisions until after the birth, and see how you feel.

40 years ago you’d still have been in hospital after a C-section at 5 days. It’s major abdominal surgery and you don’t get a chance to recovery easily because you have a newborn waking for night feeds from day one.

I think everyone is likely to have a better experience if they come down when the baby is two weeks old. You may make a speedy recovery; you may get an infected scar or have a baby with a severe tongue tie. We none of us know.

The baby will still be a newborn at two weeks. Both sets of grandparents are equal grandparents but only one set are the patient/ mother’s mum and dad. It is in that role that she may want them round sooner when she is sore and struggling, not in order to crown them King and Queen of the Grandparents. The fact they are close enough for a short visit also makes all the difference.

Both sets of parents visited us and the baby briefly in hospital 30 years ago. They then left us alone for my husband’s paternity leave and my mum came for about 10 days when he went back to work. In-laws lived closer and visited about once a fortnight. We saw my parents less.

As your in-laws are lovely, I’m sure they’ll understand that C-section = longer recovery time and be happy to wait all of two weeks. Especially as they’ll be getting photos and calls from the off, they won’t be out in the cold.

Why don't you wait and see how you feel? And your DH can tell them (and your parents and everyone else) that's what you plan to do? I.E I'm sure we will want some time to bond as a new family, and obviously mum and baby need to recover and establish BF etc so we are just going to take each day as it comes. We are obviously v keen to have you meet baby so we will let you know when we are all feeling up to it"?

Just tell them to wait a bit

YANBU.

After a hellish experience with DC1 with everyone piling in the house expecting to be hosted and hanging about all day when I just wanted to relax in my pjs and get used to the newborn bubble. Also if you plan to BF that takes done establishing too.

I made everyone wait 2 weeks after DC 2 was born. No one was upset I just told them for my own mental health I needed some time after birth as a family but if I was ready sooner than 2 weeks I will let them know!

You take the time you need, if they are in a hotel they will be wanting to spend day times at your home and if your not ready for that straight after birth then that's fine.

Also if it's your first I would tell them to hold off booking anything as who knows if you and baby will need to stay in hospital etc for a while after birth

I was very keen to ensure a relationship with MIL and new baby.

It was a trust that was totally misplaced.

MIL stayed at my home. But did not lift a finger to help. She 'took over' my new baby 'to free me up' to make her lunch, clean and generally wait on her.

Recommend- hotel, limit on time in the house as boundaries. You will be able to modify closer to the time depending on how it goes.

Why not just call her and say that if she come when the baby is 5 days old you will be less fit and able to cope with a visit than if she leaves it to the following week, when you will be able to spend more time together?

I do not believe that MIL is an 'equal' grandparent.

She is not, and never will be.

That is her doing, by her actions.

I would get your husband to speak to them and emphasise that you won't be up to long visiting hours. I would say perhaps a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours in the afternoon if you're up to it

If the journey is too long to have smaller visits, then they simply wait. But until you've all communicated what expectations will be on all sides, you just don't know. They may well already be expecting to only be doing short visits.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It's your abdominal surgery, your genitalia bleeding, your milk, your boobs, your hormones and your baby. You don't know when you will be out of hospital, you could well still be in on day 5, or you may have been re-admitted. If you don't know them well and aren't comfortable in being cared for by them (why would you be?! Would your DH in a comparable situation be comfortable with your mother visiting him post significant surgery and while bleeding?)

The baby is a baby for weeks, months. They don't have an expiry date and they are cute always. The first days and weeks are so much about you - physically recovering, mentally adjusting, learning how to breastfeed, sleeping erratically, bonding with your baby, learning how to be a part of your new family with your baby and husband. Honestly, I would be tempted to say the date of the section is later (by a few days) and that you will see how you feel after the birth. Tell them that because you will be recovering from major surgery you may need to take a couple of weeks to recover, and that they will understand how important that is.

Hotel is good, that is where they will need to stay if there is no room at yours. They aren't doing you some huge favour by staying where they should anyway. If you or your DH are not close to them I wouldn't expect to see them much more frequently than you are now. There is some really wise advice on this thread about ensuring that you prioritise your recovery and comfort post birth. It isn't selfish, it is in the baby's best interests for you to be comfy, relaxed and happy.