It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

@Pigsears

I do not believe that MIL is an 'equal' grandparent.

She is not, and never will be.

That is her doing, by her actions.

And that's fine in your shoes if bridges have been burned, but it's not the case for OP.

Different things work for different families. As you've said, you're not going to get a consensus.

And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Some people will think it's mean/selfish/crazy whatever if you don't want other people holding your baby or visiting etc for X number of weeks, Y number of weeks. This is you and DHs baby - your new family of three. If you and DH agree, that's what's important, whatever timeframe/boundaries that ends up being. There is no set 'how it should be'.

Thinking back to when I had DC1 the first.... month or so I was all over the place. I couldn't stop crying, I literally couldn't get words out without stuttering. I was so overwhelmed. I'm not saying this to scare you but I think becoming a parent for the first time, especially as the Mum haven't given birth, is a huge experience and you don't know how you'll feel until it's happening. I guess my advice is just to be aware that any plans that feel ok now might not feel ok once you're actually in those early days with your baby, so maybe talk to DH and MIL (or DH talks to MIL) and just make it clear that any plans could change. You might find it great having them there and want them to stay longer. You might want to be alone with baby and DH. You're not going to know yet.

Oops, meant 'especially as the Mum having given birth'

Baby will sleep a lot. Maybe tell them to have a slow drive down and come over for a late lunch. Then get DH to take them out to breakfast just the 3 of them and come over for the afternoon. If you need a break go for a lie down with baby or have your parents pop in too to buffer the attention.

OP, I feel I’m well placed to share some thoughts as I’m 5 weeks out from a planned c section and my partner and I didn’t have visitors until 12 days after the birth, and I’m glad we did this.

You don’t know how the op will go or breastfeeding, sleeping etc. You may be fine and up for visitors or you may be wreck. This is not just about people meeting the baby this about you managing visitors when you may be feeling extremely vulnerable and it’s ok to only want people around you who you are comfortable being a mess around!

Personally, having visitors that first week would have been awful for me. Breastfeeding was a nightmare and I was hormonal and sleep deprived and cried a lot.

In the second week some days were fine but others were not and I simply didn’t know in advance.

Also I don’t buy that the same rules have to apply to in laws and your family. My sisters visited during the first 2 weeks, they live nearby, I was comfortable being messy and vulnerable around them and also knew we could ask them to leave without causing offence. My in laws understood that it was normal for me to want my sisters support during these early days.

And even without all the recovery considerations, you know what, it’s totally ok for you and your partner to decide you want a period of alone time with your baby when it arrives. That’s not selfish.

As someone else has said, your partner needs to be gatekeeper and should take responsibility for managing expectations with his family based on what you’ve agreed together.

I’m sure they understand that they’re not going to be with you for hours on end.

They’re going to be excited to meet their grandchild and will no doubt be willing to travel for just a short time with them, they will see the long journey and hotel stay as more than worth it.

Think about how you would feel in 30 years time if you were about to become a grandma, I’m sure you’d be more than happy to travel a long distance just for a quick newborn cuddle.

You might also find that you welcome the chance for someone else to hold the baby while you shower or rest.

Just make sure DP knows it’s on him to make them tea etc and don’t feel under pressure for the house to look like anything other than a newborn whirlwind.

If you are really struggling with recovery afterwards and need more time I’m sure they would be willing to wait until you’re ready but o don’t think there’s any harm in principle with saying they can come for an hour or two each day.

I’m probably also biased as I had my DS in lockdown 1 and it broke my hear (and still does) the grandparents couldn’t have a newborn cuddle for many weeks.

I’m going to go against the general vibe here and say that YANBU. It’s your life and your baby, it’s not your duty five days after major surgery to cater to everyone else’s needs and wants.

I would wait and see how you feel. I've had 5 very different births and it really varies how you feel. My 4th was poorly and I felt very protective of him but also it took a while before he felt like mine. Sometimes you feel high as a kite and then the tiredness kicks in and you just want to sleep when the baby sleeps.

I think it would be fine to ask them to come round for an hour or so a day for a couple of days. there is lots for them to do in london. My eldest is only 15 so not at that stage yet but I'd like to think that if I'm a grandparent I would be very understanding to my dil's needs, turn up when asked (with cake of course!), ask nicely to hold the baby, not outstay my welcome and offer to make the tea and wash up. If it's the 2nd+ baby I would also ask if they wanted me to take the older sibling(s) to the park for an hour or so as I found that really helpful.

@DarcyBlue That is actually a really interesting point. We are very close to my family, but I would never expect my DH to be 'looked after' by either of my parents. He would be mortified by the idea of being waited on by them. Thank you for saying that - it's made me feel a bit less guilty for not wanting my MIL to make me tea (I don't drink tea) and look after me.

Yanbu op. You’re not just having a baby but a big operation and the recovery is hard.

I’m really shocked by the YABU responses. If you don’t feel up for visitors or feel comfortable and want to wait a couple of weeks, that’s absolutely fine.
Your mum is there for you, as your parent first.

I’m amazed by some of the messages here. Have you forgotten how unpredictable giving birth can be? Have you forgotten what it’s like to be a first time mum?

@LittleGwyneth I think they need to wait until baby is born before booking anything.

Because - and I am sorry to say this and genuinely hope everything will go brilliantly for you - the reality is you cannot possibly know if that’s a good time or not. My first birth, we were unexpectedly both in hospital for over a week - me in ICU and him in NICU (no visits allowed). If my In-laws had travelled the several hundred miles to visit, they wouldn’t have been allowed to see either of us. Neither would my parents. Whereas with DC2 I was happy and able to have anyone visit in the first week (although again, I wasn’t home until day 6).

I think you should gently tell everyone to hold off booking anything until they get the call. And remind your DH that a cs is major surgery, pregnancy and breastfeeding are tough, and newborns are unpredictable. The visitors can wait until you are ready. Good luck.

Why don’t you suggest that, given you have no idea how you’ll feel/how quickly you’ll recover, it would be prudent for them to come for a couple of days towards the end of your DH’s paternity leave? Post c section with baby no1 you may have sore nipples, bleeding and I had terrible constipation too - did not want anyone in my space and found it quite intrusive when people wanted to come over! I think it’s really unfair that everyone expects a piece of mother and baby after what is such a massive life change, of course many will embrace being the centre of attention, if others don’t want to be respect it.

Babies at that age love a cuddle, regardless of who is giving it so you might be relieved to have your hands free for a while!

YANBU

I was in a similar position as you. Barely saw my in-laws, maybe 3 times a year before our oldest was born. My DH mentioned they were coming but he didn’t mention nor realise that they planned to stay with us!!! I had a 3-day induction that failed which let to an emer c-sec. My care was poor and both DH and I were traumatised by the experience, him to the point of not wanting another child. My milk didn’t come in til around day 5 which is when they arrived and it was awkward to say the least. I was traumatised, bleeding, nursing and highly uncomfortable in my own home. I couldn’t nurse in front of them so I had to go upstairs to our bedroom to nurse, still healing from the c-sec. We only had one bathroom and having two people with IBS didn’t help matters so showers were late in the evening or when they had gone out so I could do so without being rushed. My DH used most of his paternity leave with the induction so I was left with his parents which I had never spent time with them together alone before so that made things more awkward. It also didn’t help matters with MIL telling me about her natural births and wonderful care with her three when mine was so sh*t and she knew this even made a joke about me being teary eyed over being traumatised on his first birthday. I felt utterly suffocated with them around and when they left I cried in relief because I was finally left alone with our baby and can get on with things. When I’m in pain or uncomfortable, I want to be left alone, not entertaining people. My DH apologised later for allowing them to come down so soon and especially for them staying with us. We did have a second (after much discussion) and with him it was two weeks before we had visitors and it was amazing and necessary since I spent most of the time in the hospital anyway due to a need for iron transfusions. I had a way better experience with him. In-laws didn’t see him until he was four weeks old which worked out well since he was active and smiling.

Before anyone wants to say anything about unfairness, my parents live in the States so my mother didn’t meet our oldest til he was 6 weeks old and my dad til he was 11 mo. With our second, it was after the two weeks for my mother and 5 mo for my dad so in-laws got plenty of time before my own parents did.

Newborn cuddles for everyone come AFTER mothers comfort and wishes, all day everyday.

It is a headfuck having a child, if a women wants space she is absolutely not being unreasonable. Everyone else can bloody wait.

This thread has made me even more grateful for my wonderful DiL and SS. I'm only a step grandparent but they welcomed us into the delivery room after the birth. It was a huge honour, one we had never expected.

Whilst I wouldn't expect that from many new parents (not even my own DC!), their attitude from the start was that their new baby is fortunate to have so many people who love her in her life. The grandparent grandchild relationship can be so precious.

If MIL is reasonable person generally she is probably also worried about imposing on you, but also not wanting to look like she isn't keen to come either. A chat to let her know your thoughts (from you or dh) will probably help her too.

I don't think the idea of having some boundaries is that wild. I've already told my family that I don't want to pass the baby around, no-one kissing her.

No kissing is fine. But letting a grandmother hold a new grandchild is not 'passing around' and you really need to allow that. The bond that begins there is going to be valuable to all of you.

My kids are in their 30s now, but the looks on each grandparent's face when they held their grandbabies is still burned on my mind. And now that two of those grandparents are dead and another has advance Alzheimers, the photos that my DH took of them holding them are very much treasured.

But answering your question, I was in hospital for a week after my emergency caesarian. The inlaw GPs (from 2.5 hours away) visited probably 48 hours afterwards. They were very good about taking themselves off for chunks of time and recognising that I needed privacy to feed.

You get a lot of threads like this on here.

And also a lot of threads along the lines of "my partner's parents are closer to his sister's children than to ours, isn't that horrible?"

Hmm. How mysterious...

‘ Babies at that age love a cuddle, regardless of who is giving it so you might be relieved to have your hands free for a while!’

I know there’s many women who absolutely hate this. Me included, I just wanted to bond with my baby.

I think YABU. To dictate only an hour a day is a little bit harsh. They are travelling all that way for you to tell them they can only see the baby for an hour a day, and you aren’t sure if you want them to hold the baby? Why on Earth not?

When I had DD I had my parents down for a week (we live 2 hours away). MIL came down 2 days after she was born and was allowed to stay and hold DD for as long as she wanted. It was nice for me to get a little alone time to wash and look after myself! Don’t forget that you will want a few minutes alone here and there, and DH may want his parents around when he has the baby alone.

You may find them being there helpful. They can always pop out for a walk if you wanted a bit of alone time to feed or do private things I.e toilet etc.

@ZoeCM

You get a lot of threads like this on here.

And also a lot of threads along the lines of "my partner's parents are closer to his sister's children than to ours, isn't that horrible?"

Hmm. How mysterious...

Wow, never really thought of this before. But yes!

As someone who had post section complications that resulted in going back into hospital for DS's first week of life I'm a big advocate for not planning the visit in advance.

I'd be having a conversation along the lines of "I don't know what sort of state I'll be in, how long I'll take to heal. We want to have some time to settle into a new routine but would love to arrange for you to visit once the baby arrives. Can we play it by ear and get dates booked in once she's arrived?" DH should be having this conversation with them though as they're his parents.

Best to manage expectations, but I wouldn't agree with excluding them. As other posters have mentioned this is their grand child and they're understandably excited. You never how you'll feel once the baby arrives, you could be desperate for the few hours break they'd be able to provide you.

P.S. two more things:

• Some people have said you can breastfeed discretely with nursing clothes so that shouldn’t be an issue, but if you have a baby like mine that is not the case. Every feed was a battle and I spent half the day with my boobs out and there was nothing discreet or calm about it. It was definitely not a visitor friendly activity.
• My mum is going to meet my baby for the first time today at 5 weeks and 1 day old. She lives overseas and would have jumped on a flight first thing, but as she’d be staying with us for an extended period we decided that might be a bit full on in the early days esp as she and my partner have never met (because Covid). So we decided she’d come later on, when we would all be more capable of enjoying each other’s company. She’s been a trooper about it and not once has she put pressure on to come earlier.