It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

*That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents*

Sorry OP but your being really unreasonable and I also think 5 days is a long time for them to wait

The c-section bit I have no experience of.

However in terms of my 2 kids interestingly I found having both mums visit in hospital (1st dc stuck there for 4 days) far easier than having people at home at the 5 day plus time. With 2nd dc I was out in 24hrs - crazily agreed to visit MIL on route home and I've no idea what was going on. It seemed to work though.

So based on that experience I'd say get then to come earlier - especially if you know you are still going to be in hospital... I think once you get home you become more of tired wreck as the adrenaline wears off!!

To clarify, if there was an option for them to come to the hospital, meet the baby and then go home, and then visit a week or so later, I would be delighted with that.

The issue is that it's going to be a compacted amount of time and the idea of having people in my four room flat (one bathroom) for 5-6 hours a day is making me feel very uncomfortable. I'm trying to get a sense of whether we can reasonably say, please pop in for an hour or two a couple of times a day for 2-3 days, but that's as much as we're up to.

@MsTSwift I don't think the idea of having some boundaries is that wild. I've already told my family that I don't want to pass the baby around, no-one kissing her.

This is a tricky one. I completely get where you are coming from as we had family stay when our baby was just two weeks old. Similar set up (they were in a hotel nearby). I have a few suggestions to make it more bearable.

The key issue is that you need to make clear to DH that as you'll be recovering from a major operation, all hosting (so cups of tea etc.) should be on him.
Also, if your inlaws are staying in a nearby hotel for a couple of days, then you don't want them arriving at your house the crack of dawn, so get your DH to let them know not to arrive until 10/11 ish. He can mention something to do with the baby's routine as a reason for this.

If their visit is wearing you out at any point, then if you are breastfeeding, it's a great excuse to take yourself and the baby away upstairs for some peace and quiet.

Also, your DH should help avoid a situation where you have in laws in the house for 8 hours in a row by taking them out for a coffee or lunch for a few hours, so you get a few hours respite from dealing with guests.

We didn't see anyone for two weeks and it was wonderful.

Your MIL sounds nice, it sounds like you get on well with her. Why don't you suggest they visit at 7 days? Will give you a couple more days home from hospital to recover, which actually after an ELCS can make quite a difference. I've had two of them, I think I was feeling pretty good both times after 7 days. Might sound daft but just a couple of days more made a difference to me.

It's actually easier the tinier they are. They're just feeding and sleeping and not much else at that point. It's when they start becoming more alert it gets more difficult 😂

@Cas112 Five days would be 36 hours after I'm discharged from hospital. I'd be delighted for them to come and meet her in hospital, but that would mean coming all the way down to London to see her for a small portion of visiting hours, and then spending the rest of the time without me or the baby. Privately I would like that but it doesn't seem like a very good pay-off for such a long journey.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Travelling sat on genitals that aren't bleeding.... Op gets to call the shots.

How is that relevant? The OP isn't travelling any further than the distance from bed to sofa.

But to add to that I do think it is different when MIL is someone you don't know/with whom you have had very little contact. It is a very vulnerable time.

The fact that they plan to stay in a hotel is a good sign. If they are prepared to see how things go as opposed to making demands of being in your house all day (which I would not tollerate at 2 days, 5 days or 20 tbh). How strong is your husband in their presence? Will he back you up if you say baby needs a feed give then to me - for example?

Sorry sent that too soon. Two weeks without visitors meant that I could sit around with my tits out, we could spend proper time as a couple, we weren't distracted from the whirlwind of appointments, HV, "What's this rash?!" Etc by having to be polite.

You'll never get that calm, connected time back. It's a massive whirlwind from then on for the rest of your life (it feels like).

Others I know did a month!

[quote LittleGwyneth]@Cas112 Five days would be 36 hours after I'm discharged from hospital. I'd be delighted for them to come and meet her in hospital, but that would mean coming all the way down to London to see her for a small portion of visiting hours, and then spending the rest of the time without me or the baby. Privately I would like that but it doesn't seem like a very good pay-off for such a long journey.[/quote]
Suggest that as an option, followed up by a longer visit later. I think my in laws made a 5 hour round trip to see DS1 in the hospital and then came back later.

I’m going to go a little against the crowd here and say to wait until after the birth to make any plans with either set of parents. I’m coming at this from the angle that this is your first baby so don’t add any extra pressure. Yes having parents and ILs visit the baby is very special but you need to be up for it.

I’ve read lots of women on here being out and about 2 days after their section but I had mine 12 days ago, I was in hospital for 5 nights. It is our first baby and it took me a couple of days to get to grips with being home, feeding, sleep etc.

My parents were eager to visit but they left it completely up to me to tell them when I was ready - incidentally 2 days after we got home and they only stayed 2 hours. I couldn’t have coped with having people staying all day at that stage no matter how good they are. This is a special time for you and your husband too!

So I think wait and see how you feel but make sure that your mother and the ILs are given the same info on when to visit so preference isn’t shown.

@Latecomer131 that is super helpful - thank you. I think some of it is a 'me' issue, in the sense that I can't imagine getting my boobs out in front of them, and that I'll want to be fully dressed and upright to have them around. I hate being looked after by anyone, but that's entirely about me, not them.

For most people the c section won't be a big hindrance to visitors. I'm not the patented MN "I was doing the school run on roller skates two hours later" type, it took me the six weeks to feel normal, probably more like 8 in truth. My first was an EMCS and my second was a bit complicated including a t shaped incision in my uterus and a haemorrhage, but in both cases I was fine (if slow) around the house from day two when I got home and perfectly capable of sitting on the sofa and making conversation and drinking cups of tea and eating slices of cake that other people brought me. In truth, the sore nipples were worse, at about day 10 both times.

Honestly OP, it will be fine. You won't be at your best but no one will expect you to be and it will be a few days filled with love.

I am a reasonably private person but I must confess to being excited to show my babies off to family - so I am speaking from that perspective.

I found it was good to get the visits done early on, and there are sooo many hours in the day with a newborn than 2 hour long visits or something from family over the day barely made a dent in the full 24 hour bleary sleepiness and confusion and love that was the first week or so!

My parents basically buddied up with my inlaws (neither were local and they were all staying in B&bs nearby) and they would meet up for lunches locally while we flopped at home, taking it in turns to pop in for short visits and bring supplies to us and yes, cuddle baby if suitable. It was great cos we didn’t have to worry about them hanging around being anxious to visit - they kept each other busy and gloried in being grandparents, and it was a nice bonding time for them! I would add that we have exceptionally nice thoughtful parents and inlaws.

@SoupDragon I think you're probably right - I'm making assumptions about what they will and won't do rather than just giving them the option and letting them make the grown up choice. I should probably just say, 'you're v welcome to visit us in hospital as much as you like, covid regs permitting, otherwise we'll be up to a couple of hours a day from 5-ish days in'.

@Chippingin2 A big part of me really wants that. But then another big part of me really wants to have my mum close by, which then means it's not fair to exclude DH's mum.

I disagree with most of the YABU.

I’d make it clear if they want to spend long times at yours to come after the first week, the first week with your first child is incredibly overwhelming and having anyone around for long periods, even close family, feels a lot. I honestly wish I’d kept it just me and Dp after DD1 was born, I was milky and in a lot of pain post section.

DP’s mum would come round and find it appropriate to comment on the new milk smell and leakages along with the fact I struggled to be mobile and accommodating. Luckily my family would visit for 30/40 minute bursts and that worked fine.

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby
yes

they are equal grandparents
Going to get slated here but actually, not in my view. However that's mostly because i think that when your own mum comes to visit you after a birth they are as much about you (or should be) as the baby. I know my mum was, whereas my inlaws were 95% about holding the baby and 5% wondering why i was staggering around like a zombie.

Having said that, if they're ok in a hotel, 5 days sounds fine to me.

@DeadSouth MILK SMELL. That is genuinely one of the worst things I have read on MN. You are a SAINT to have put up with that!

My mum and dad flew 8 hours back to be around when DD was born. My grandma travelled 4 hours and stayed with my mum and dad. They would visit for an hour (no more - mum’s insistence) in the morning and then 1.5 hours max in the afternoon for about a week when they left again. I was glad because I really needed the time to sleep and recover and bond with DD (I was later diagnosed with PTSD from the birth.)

DH’s parents live 4–5 hours away and promised to come and stay in a hotel whilst I was pregnant. When she arrived, after a 4 day labour and traumatic assisted birth FIL refused to come unless they could stay with us. They’re the kind of people that expect to be waited on hand and foot and would expect me to leave the room to feed etc. DH told them no and even offered to pay for the hotel (PIL are well off). Still a no. They eventually came down when she was 2 weeks old for the day. (They drove for 10+ hours to spend 3-4 hours with us.)

I’ve not seen them in a good light since, to be honest.

It’s also not a very good pay off for a good long term relationship!
I had 3 c sections, my mil is truly one of those awful ones. But it’s still her grandchild! If they’re in you’re flat for longer than you’re happy with you could say, “I’m feeling really tired could you please pop back in a few hrs after I’ve had a nap”. There’s lots to to in London, if they’re nice and caring as you say, they’ll understand

Is DH taking PL? That might give you breathing space so you can become your own little unit.
I found it brilliant that after those two weeks my parents and in laws would visit every couple of days so they could snudge and cuddle DD and give me time to shower and nap.
I was really anxious that both mums would over ride me but I’d had an EMC and they were so sensitive and supportive.
Don’t feel anxious about asking both sets of parents to bring food/nappies etc. It’s another way of making them feel included and useful.
Your DM and DMIL might be of the generation that had to cope on their own and might be willing to support you in ways they weren’t .
My DMIL was horrified that I bustled off to make a cuppa when they arrived. ‘ DS! You make the coffee and tea. DDIL has had major abdominal surgery! ‘.

I would push them back a week. Have a week at home just the 3 of you and then have them come and visit. 36 hours after getting home from hospital would have been way to soon for having people in the house every day for 5 days. I was in no fit state to make conversation but did let local grandparents pop in to the hospital. My own mum came a week after DS was born as she also needed to stay in a local H&M

I’m quite surprised by the replies here.. I’ve just had a baby and I’d say you are well within your rights to dictate what you want to do! If you want time to yourselves that’s fine I don’t think anyone gets a free pass to visit if you feel it will be too soon. Good they aren’t staying with you, two days is not long so that’s also good I’d say at that point.

In terms of your recovery I think 5 days in you will still be healing that’s very early after a C sec. I had one and didn’t leave hospital until day 5 (I’m not in Uk). Make sure you take it easy.. good luck xxx

I've had two c-sections, so am basing my advice off this.

I'd wait 10 days, to be honest. I healed very quickly with one but it took me a long time with the other. Same with breastfeeding: established immediately with one and weeks with the other.

My MIL also lives 4 hours away and came to visit 5 days after the birth. The stress from her well-meaning meddling caused my milk to dry up and exhausted me (long days where she wanted us to be doing stuff, inability to comfortably feed in front of her, stressful 'help' and advice).

A c section is a major operation and I really don't see the problem in waiting a bit before having very full-on guest visits. The baby will still be 'new' after two weeks.

You wouldn't have visitors in the same way after any other type of surgery.