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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another in-laws post birth thread

434 replies

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 10:12

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

OP posts:
charlottecruz · 17/04/2022 22:01

@Dorathedragon

Yabu. I had most of the family come to the hospital! I’d never make grandparents wait 5 days. Your mum and mil have had babies so will know how you’re feeling.
remember your decision isn't everyone's decision. i was super overwhelmed by how many people decided to show up the day my baby was born.

i had been in hospital for three days, had stitches and a catheter bought home for the next two days, i was in pain and wanted nothing more than to come home and be away from the hospital, but i didn't want a sea of people coming.

partner and i weren't expecting a baby, and weren't living together, so he moved in to my parents until housing became available (which due to the pandemic is a nightmare). this meant when i came home my parents would see the baby instantly, so it sounded only fair for my in-laws to come round.

however i just wanted rest, i wanted to be with my baby, and not really showing anyone my baby, i wanted to lay in bed with him and cuddle him and just enjoy the first couple of days, not have my baby being passed from arm to arm between 5 people, 7 with my partner and i.

i was too lenient with allowing them to visit, yes they're in laws and have as much right as our own parents, but when you're the one who's just birthed a baby, in pain, and wanting time alone, that's perfectly reasonable. part of me wishes i didn't let so many people see him so often, i needed more alone time with him. do what feels right to you. hold off another week or so if that's what you feel is right.

Original poster
LittleGwyneth · 01/11/2022 13:10

A little update, some months later. I let them come four days after my daughter was born. It was dreadful. At one point while I was alone with them MIL (who has a very bad leg so can't get about much) and FIL (no excuse) sat at the table and watched me get all the cutlery out and put all the food on the table, four days post section, in massive pain. When I finally sat down to eat FIL asked me to get him a glass of water. It was awful. If you're reading this and having the same dilemma I would urge you to prioritise yourself.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/11/2022 13:27

That sounds absolutely dreadful.

Hope you told FIL to get his own bloody water!

Can't believe that your husband either didn't warn you that they expect to be waited on, didn't make sure he was there to help or tell them that that wouldn't be happening!

Well you know for the future!

As for this episode-try not to dwell on it as you'll be the only one getting in a knot about it!

MinnieGirl · 01/11/2022 13:32

Thank you so much for coming back to update us!
Your in-laws sounds horrendous…. And extremely lazy.
But you now have their measure…. And I hope your husband does too. Didn’t he say anything? At least if you have another baby, you can limit their visit to an hour with no guilt… and if they moan your husband can blooming well tell them why!

Sapphire387 · 01/11/2022 13:37

OP, I started reading the first page of this, all the posters saying YABU, and I thought no way, you have no idea how you will feel, you don't 'have' to let them come ASAP!

Now I have seen your update, I really feel for you. So sorry that happened. I guess it sets the tone for the relationship going forwards... doesn't sound like they are going to be 'hands on' grandparents at all.

OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide · 01/11/2022 13:52

LittleGwyneth · 01/11/2022 13:10

A little update, some months later. I let them come four days after my daughter was born. It was dreadful. At one point while I was alone with them MIL (who has a very bad leg so can't get about much) and FIL (no excuse) sat at the table and watched me get all the cutlery out and put all the food on the table, four days post section, in massive pain. When I finally sat down to eat FIL asked me to get him a glass of water. It was awful. If you're reading this and having the same dilemma I would urge you to prioritise yourself.

Why on earth did you allow any of that to happen?

Janey3090 · 01/11/2022 14:17

This is really useful OP - just FYI I never saw your thread at the beginning of the year but I would have voted YANBU. DH and I are expecting our first baby in January, and though I'm not concerned about MIL or my parents (as they are all super helpful), I have already decided no other visitors for a couple of weeks until we feel settled. There's no need for 'great aunty June', '2nd cousin Mary' etc to come around who I would need to host because they won't feel comfortable enough in my home to help themselves to drinks etc. They can wait a couple of weeks to see the baby.

DH and I want to take the time to get to know our baby and get in our own routine. I'm sorry that your experience was so bad, and time you should have been resting/getting to know your baby was made difficult x

crosstalk · 01/11/2022 15:43

I really can't see the imperative of anyone seeing any baby so soon after birth and not after a C section or difficult birth. What on earth is the race? You can have pictures. Fine if both parents welcome it and visits are agreed. It's up to them. And a loving supportive family doesn't start in the first weeks - even after months - if they are loving and supportive they will understand.

I certainly agree the best advice so far is to ask anyone hoping to see a baby who needs to stay over is that they go for refundable tickets and hotels.

LemonDrop22 · 01/11/2022 15:52

I didn't realise it was an old thread and was going to say 4/5 days was way too soon in my experience. Was going to say at least a fortnight

LookItsMeAgain · 01/11/2022 16:57

@LittleGwyneth - what did you say to your FiL when he asked for water? I hope you said "Well, you know which press the glasses are kept in and the tap is over there at the sink. As I'm still recovering from major surgery here, you might actually get me a glass of water while you're getting one for you and MiL, right?"

Though I suspect you didn't. I hope your DH stepped in and pointed out to his parents (even after the fact) that you are recovering from surgery, not their host to fetch and gather for them. They should be fetching and gathering for you.

Congratulations on your new baby.

ancientgran · 01/11/2022 17:09

I never understand the agonising on MN about bleeding and lactating. I always wore pants and a sanitary towel to deal with one and a bra and pads to deal with the other. Do people walk round naked?

You might love showing baby off, I always did.
You can disappear and leave DH and ILs with the baby while you have a nice long soak in the bath. Very soothing when your body has been through alot.
You can disappear for an hour to feed baby and leave DH to entertain them.
You could suggest DH takes them out somewhere (lunch, sightseeing or something) to give you a break.

Time soon passes. I don't think an hour a day is reasonable, a couple of hours in the morning and an hour in the afternoon or something like that.

ancientgran · 01/11/2022 17:11

LittleGwyneth · 01/11/2022 13:10

A little update, some months later. I let them come four days after my daughter was born. It was dreadful. At one point while I was alone with them MIL (who has a very bad leg so can't get about much) and FIL (no excuse) sat at the table and watched me get all the cutlery out and put all the food on the table, four days post section, in massive pain. When I finally sat down to eat FIL asked me to get him a glass of water. It was awful. If you're reading this and having the same dilemma I would urge you to prioritise yourself.

Just saw your update. Where was you DH? Why did you make them a meal? Having visitors is normal, making them a meal 4 days after a CS isn't normal at all.

DelurkingLawyer · 01/11/2022 17:20

I remember this thread and you saying in a nice way you didn’t think it was a great idea. I am so sorry that against your better judgment you let them visit so soon after the birth. How did that come about? If it was as a result of your DH pressuring you to “be kind” and put everyone else first then I hope he accepts what a disaster it was.

I also hope they did only stay 2 nights in the hotel and then fuck off home again. At least you now know they are dreadful and your FIL is a selfish bastard. What was MIL doing while her horrible husband was ordering you about?

Blossomtoes · 01/11/2022 17:20

That was dreadful. I’d go further and say it was appalling. I’m so sorry it was like that. Normal people would have brought a meal with them and cooked/heated it up before washing up afterwards. What a terrible way to treat a new mum.

KatieB55 · 01/11/2022 17:30

My MIL was really helpful with laundry, bits of shopping, preparing meals and looking after me. She was easy to have around and I was surprised!

Hus837 · 02/11/2022 14:07

All I can say is thank fuck we had a lockdown when I had a c-section so PIL weren't able to visit. I can't understand people wanting visitors do soon, unless they are very very close with them of course.

MightyOaks · 02/11/2022 19:32

LookItsMeAgain · 01/11/2022 16:57

@LittleGwyneth - what did you say to your FiL when he asked for water? I hope you said "Well, you know which press the glasses are kept in and the tap is over there at the sink. As I'm still recovering from major surgery here, you might actually get me a glass of water while you're getting one for you and MiL, right?"

Though I suspect you didn't. I hope your DH stepped in and pointed out to his parents (even after the fact) that you are recovering from surgery, not their host to fetch and gather for them. They should be fetching and gathering for you.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Press? Wtf is a press?!

Thatiswild · 02/11/2022 19:52

My fil came to the hospital and mil came on day 5 and I was really excited for them to meet the baby, my mil has twice told me how she felt when she came into the house and I immediately handed her grandchild to her, she’s not a remotely emotional person and was never all that nice to me before then but the way she talks about it I know that it shaped her relationship with us as grandparent to our kids in a good way. It has made things better. I did it automatically and wasn’t aware I did it but it obviously meant a lot to her. All of our family live far away from us and I loved seeing them in the first week as they were all so excited for us. I think it’ll be fine honestly. I hope it all goes well, it’s a wonderful time.

DelurkingLawyer · 02/11/2022 19:53

Have you read the update, @Thatiswild ?

Thatiswild · 02/11/2022 19:58

My god sorry your last update wasn’t on the page for some reason!! I’m sorry, my response was obviously completely inappropriate but how that situation presented itself I have no idea. Geez what a nightmare, I hope you are ok now.

Thatiswild · 02/11/2022 19:59

@DelurkingLawyer i have now, embarrassingly it hadn’t loaded the last few pages when I read the thread 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Sounds so horrendous, I feel an idiot!!

Longdarkcloud · 02/11/2022 19:59

If your ILs are that strongly motivated to meet your DC then the return car journey should not be a problem re a short hospital visit. Many of us have travelled that far for a meeting or professional home visit.
Do give them that option with the promise of a later home visit.
It is up to them whether they prefer to spend the remainder of the day in London with an overnight stopover on the way home where hotel prices are cheaper.
Good luck. I hope the birth goes well

DelurkingLawyer · 02/11/2022 20:26

Ha ha @Thatiswild looks like the next poster did the same - we’ve all missed an update or replied to a zombie now and again!

LookItsMeAgain · 02/11/2022 20:54

@MightyOaks - that's what you took out of my post? What do you think a press is in the context of the rest of my post?

HmmHmm

Hotpotatohotpotato1 · 02/11/2022 21:02

It's really difficult if you a breastfeeding. My DS was over two weeks late and we planned for my inlaws visiting a month after due date thinking he'd have been here a while. In laws are 8+ hours drive away so needed to book time off work!
My MIL is lovely but spent the whole time telling me he couldn't possibly need feeding again and that babies just cry so to leave him! It's really hard in the first 6 weeks BF as you will spend lots of time cluster feeding. Bottle feeding I would have welcomed the extra help and taken myself away for a break while everyone else fussed over him.