It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

YANBU. You will be post major surgery, might have your tits out 24/7 and may not be mentally ready to deal with visitors for hours at a time (in my experience day 5 is a hormonal/weepy one). You may want to just be in the zone and comfortable with baby and your partner. If there is one time on your life that you should be able to not put other people's preferences above your own needs, this is it!

I set similar boundaries after the birth of my second because after having my first, I found it so incredibly stressful having my in-laws up in my face all day at such a vulnerable time. All I needed was rest, peace and comfort to get to know my baby and establish feeding. What I ended up with was 5-7 hours a day of having to socially engage with the in laws, pass the baby around and deal with their unwanted advice about the frequency of baby feeding (apparently they weren't aware of cluster feeding) and holding. NO THANK YOU. Not good for me, not good for baby.

My in-laws were so helpful when I had my sections. They cooked, looked after me and bonded with their grandchildren. Not all in-laws are like the ones you read on MN. These are your H parents and they sound normal. Let them visit ASAP for a couple of hours in the morning and then a few hours in the afternoon. Play it by ear.

I think it is outrageous that anyone here is telling op she is unreasonable. We aren't having any visitors for a whole month. It is our babymoon, I will be healing, we want to bond just us!

Op you don't owe anyone anything.

Oh no, OP.

I hope your DH apologised for FIL’s lousy behaviour?

My mother had cold sores. My brother, me and my father have never had a cold sore. My ex H suffers from cold sores regularly. Again, me and our children do not suffer from cold sores. It’s not inevitable. In hindsight should I have stopped my Ex H kissing his babies - it never crossed my mind and I wouldn’t have done it. Very sad reading that a new mum is not going to kiss her baby or allow anyone else too.

You say your MIL is practical - do you think she’d enjoy feeling useful? Perhaps dealing with some washing, getting some shopping in, or whizzing round with a hoover? Seriously, if they want to visit and feel useful, make the most of it - just remember that you’re Queen Bee: what you need is the most important.

Press? Wtf is a press?!

In Ireland it means a cupboard. And parts of Scotland I think. But also derived from British merchant navy terminology.

My PILs became like second parents to my dd. They were an absolute blessing

I'm really shocked at some of the responses on here saying yabu. Section is major surgery. I'm a few weeks off one myself and I've been super clear that we will be taking some time the first two weeks to ourselves for me to recover and make sure that everyone is feeling good before we start having visitors. My mum will come and stay for a few nights to give me help and give support as I still won't be able to drive, twist or lift anything heavier than baby. I would like to bf, after a section this may be harder and would i want to be getting to grips with that with an audience in my living room - absolutely not. Would I want to have to leave my living room every time I need to feed having just had surgery- absolutely not. If we find that things are going well and I feel like I'm recovering and am ready for visitors after 1 week then of course we will invite people round. Our inlaws live less than 10 mins away and my parents are only a few hours away. But here's the thing- it's our baby, we've no idea how the birth will go, we've no idea how baby will do after birth so I wouldn't commit yourself to anything right now and just say you want to see how things go and rather than them book a hotel and then not get as much time with baby, you'd rather they waited an extra few days and then got to spend lots of time when you're a little more recovered. In the meantime you can do lots of facetime and give lots of updates and send lots of photos. Of course you want grandparents to be involved and promote that relationship but you don't owe anyone access to your baby before you are ready. I'd start laying the groundwork now so they know what to expect and it doesn't come as a surprise to them. A friend of mines family booked hotels very close to when she had her wee one and they had to cancel it all because her dd was kept in for over a week. Them being so keen to get up and stay anyway actually put more pressure on than they realised. So best they wait for your ok before booking.