My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

[Lily1992]

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

They can make it clear that it's not up to discussing all they like.
Your child YOUR choice!

They sound batshit.

No way would I let my child call any of her grandparents 'mama or dada'

They've had their turn.
Don't back down on this OP.
What does your partner think of this?

It depends how its pronounced, my dc called their grandma mama when they were tiny, as it was easier to say, it sounded more like marmar than the sharper ma-ma.
Lot of famililies have different titles that stem from regional or cultural norms. What will your child call you?

It is quite normal in The Midlands to call Grandmother - Mama. Not my choice but nephew always called her this.

I would think carefully before having dc with this man and his family, if he puts his mum first that is how it will be forever, how domineering is she with the gc?

I agree with pp. My DS calls my DM marmar because he couldn't say grandma. It was cute and it's stuck. I also think that if your children aren't the first grandchildren then it's best to slot in with the name their cousins use

Is it a cultural/language thing?

I'd hold off trying until you iron a few things out. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.
How long have you been together?

I dont get it. You haven't explained exactly why you're not comfortable with it?
Nothing wrong with mama. That's what I call my grandmother.
If this is important to your DH and his family then I think you should put your feelings aside. They are right, it will be confusing if the grandchildren all use different names.

It's not just HER child though, is it @Elleinad0, it's also her partners and this is his family tradition.

OP it's up to you whether this your hill to die on. What do you want your child to call you, that's what it most important. Your child will know you are mum no matter what they call their grandmother- their heart will not be confused. In the end they will ultimately decide what they call their grandmother (and may ultimately go with mama if that's what all their cousins use) but you can always refer to her as granny or whatever. Not much you can do about what your partner calls her, or what she calls herself.

I’d tell them to get fucked. It’s your child - they don’t get to make anything clear.

I would be very firm and up and upfront and tell them they can be grandma/Nan/granny etc but not mama. Repeat like a broken record.

If they refuse and cannot respect you as a parent then they don’t get to see the baby. It’s that simple.

My mum is Mama. Short for the incredibly formal and antiquated 'Grandmama' and pronounced 'Marmar'. My daughter calls me Mama sometimes too but as Mam-ma or Mumma.

I used 'momar' for mine. How is it pronounced? My cousins called her Grandma. No issue.

Are you wanting to be called mama or mummy?

@Bananabutter its "that simple" if the baby's dad blinks out of existence shortly after conception, otherwise it's not that simple, is it?

@maddening

I would think carefully before having dc with this man and his family, if he puts his mum first that is how it will be forever, how domineering is she with the gc?

I agree with this. You are in a position to choose right now. This is just the start of you always playing second best to you ur MIL.

Personally I would cut my losses now and not play any part on this family.

My DC have a "marmar" too, I hadn't realised it was this common. Ours came about organically due to DD's earliest attempts to say grandma. MIL also has a non-traditional name for similar reasons with a different grandchild.

Would "Mama Firstname" be a possible compromise?

Unless you want to be called mama I would go with flow here as it's better if your child uses the same name as other GC. I would find it unusual but only because we are always nans in our family.

I think it's quite a normal nickname as many young kids struggle to pronounce "grandma" or similar.

It's really not a hill I'd die on. Even if you don't use it yourself, if their cousins etc. use it then it's not going to be something you can stop long term.

Is it a language thing? My niece calls her French grandmother ‘Mamie,’ which sounds very much like ‘mummy’ so seems a bit weird to some.

Sounds like “mama” is just their word for grandmother, just like “grandma”, “granny”, “nan” etc, rather than them wanting the baby to refer to its grandmother as its mother. Is it a regional thing?

Wouldn’t bother me particularly- would you kick off if they’d asked for “granny” or “nana”?

How about a compromise of Gama. Pronounced Ga Mar.

It's how grandma is pronounced where I live

My mum and MiL are both Mama pronounced more like mammar.

I can’t get my head around why you are discussing a baby that hasn’t even been conceived yet with your partner’s parents? However, if you have strong feelings about not using ‘mama’ then maybe rethink having children with this man, as I think you should have a say in what grandparents are known as. My mum was already grandma to the other grandchildren, and my husband’s mum wanted to be known as nana.

No, weird. Mama means mother not grandmother.
What about Gramama.
Grá means love in irish so if she has any scottish or Irish ancestry that might appeal.

My own mother wanted my dc to call her glamour. I didnt fight it.

I think the Grandmother gets to decide what to be called. Unless it's Mummy (which is weird) I don't think marmar if said in an European way is that unusual. Like someone has said above, she'll know you are her mother. Not a hill to die on, particularly if you aren't the first siblings to have children.

My MIL wanted to be Granny like my Mum so I just refer to her as Granny Name.

Ultimately, if you hate it then you have every right to say so

But calling your gran mommar is the norm in the midlands and if the other grandkids call her that then it’s understandable that she request the same from yours.

This is a cultural thing. It’s fairly unknown outside the region I think which makes it quaint and weird to other folk, but it is traditional and if you can get your head around it then it’s a kind thing to do for your extended family that acknowledges that tradition.