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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

362 replies

Lily1992 · 22/03/2022 07:13

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

OP posts:

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 16:11

[quote girlmom21]@PinaColada123456 she gets to decide what her parents are called. That's 50/50 [/quote]
It should be 50/50 for both sets of grandparents. It should never be one parent deciding for one set.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 16:14

@PinaColada123456 but if says it's non-negotiable and she says it's not happening isn't she getting 100% of the say?

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 16:20

[quote girlmom21]@PinaColada123456 but if says it's non-negotiable and she says it's not happening isn't she getting 100% of the say? [/quote]
How is she getting 100% say when the father said it's non-negotiable?

I also forgot to say that we don't know if the OP has her parents still alive or is in contact with them if they are, so the 'they have 100% say with their side' therefore doesn't work and is unfair. It should be 50-50 for each side, not the father laying down the law saying this is how it is going to be, be silent, end of discussion. You're not going to make your wife/partner happy if you speak to them like that! That's guaranteed to get any woman's back up (or man's back up if the situation is reversed).

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 16:25

How is she getting 100% say when the father said it's non-negotiable?

If he says it's non-negotiable and then they 'compromise' he hasn't had his say has he. That would make her controlling and abusive, by your reckoning.

No we don't know if she has parents. We don't know if the pronunciation she says she can't hear is very obvious either. We're making assumptions based on the information we have to hand.

user1471538283 · 22/03/2022 16:27

I want to be Mama! Partly in recognition of the wonderful woman who was my DGGM and was Mama to everyone! I bet I end up with one of the unflattering names my DS calls me!

It never felt or feel confusing. My DGM on both sides had a different names.

caringcarer · 22/03/2022 16:35

When my dd was pregnant she asked me and DH what we wanted to be called. I said nanny X and DH said his surname as lots of people call him that. Her mil wanted marmar z, so marmar followed by Christian name. As long as not Mummy I don't see the problem and if her other grandchildren call her a name you are sort of stuck with it really.

BanjoKnockers · 22/03/2022 16:41

'The sisterhood' doesn't exist.
You got that right. It used to. It doesn't exist anymore.

Good riddance! Why should it? It sounds like the freemasons. Sometimes women are wrong. (Eg the mother in law, according to you )

lunar1 · 22/03/2022 16:44

Your child isn't going to mix you up with their grandparent. I wonder if you knew the family tradition before deciding to have children?

I really don't think it's worth making this the line in the sand.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/03/2022 17:29

What will your child call you?
If it isn't Mama and in the baby's father's family Mama is the usual name for Grandmother I don't understand the problem. I also don't think it is up to you to choose names for your parents and in laws. Any more information?

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 18:27

@BanjoKnockers

'The sisterhood' doesn't exist. You got that right. It used to. It doesn't exist anymore.

Good riddance! Why should it? It sounds like the freemasons. Sometimes women are wrong. (Eg the mother in law, according to you )

@BanjoKnockers So women shouldn't be each other's support systems? 'Good riddance' to women's support? How to say you're an MRA and femphobic without saying you're an MRA and femphobic. The chauvinism and loathing seeps into your posts.

notanothertakeaway · 22/03/2022 18:31

@Bananabutter

I’d tell them to get fucked. It’s your child - they don’t get to make anything clear.

I would be very firm and up and upfront and tell them they can be grandma/Nan/granny etc but not mama. Repeat like a broken record.

If they refuse and cannot respect you as a parent then they don’t get to see the baby. It’s that simple.

@Bananabutter

It's not that simple

Her DP wants the baby to call his DM Mama. I wouldn't like that, but it's not just OP's choice

And would be a ridiculous reason to try to prevent a child have a relationship with their grandmother

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 18:31

@girlmom21

How is she getting 100% say when the father said it's non-negotiable?

If he says it's non-negotiable and then they 'compromise' he hasn't had his say has he. That would make her controlling and abusive, by your reckoning.

No we don't know if she has parents. We don't know if the pronunciation she says she can't hear is very obvious either. We're making assumptions based on the information we have to hand.

@girlmom21 If they compromise then that's 50-50, is it not? Because if they are both compromising, then they've both had their say and compromised. Do you understand what it means by compromise? an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. It means both sides meet in the middle. So it would be 50-50. Not sure how that makes her 50% more controlling and abusive than his 50%.....

Sceptre86 · 22/03/2022 18:34

My kids start off calling me mamma before they learn mummy so I wouldn't like it either.

dizzydizzydizzy · 22/03/2022 19:07

I don't see the issue, so YABU. Everyone should be allowed to decide what they want to be called. I don't see why anyone else would be bothered.

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 19:12

@dizzydizzydizzy

I don't see the issue, so YABU. Everyone should be allowed to decide what they want to be called. I don't see why anyone else would be bothered.

@dizzydizzydizzy The issue is she was told by her male partner that she had no say at all in how her own child addresses people, only he (and his mother) did.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 19:31

@PinaColada123456 I can see that the logic of one person absolutely in no way getting their way meaning that something isn't 50/50 is too much for you to comprehend so I'll leave you to your rantings

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 19:38

[quote girlmom21]@PinaColada123456 I can see that the logic of one person absolutely in no way getting their way meaning that something isn't 50/50 is too much for you to comprehend so I'll leave you to your rantings [/quote]
@girlmom21 You're the one that said a compromise means the woman gets more. It's a compromise. A compromise means both sides meet in the middle! You were shown up for not knowing what the word compromise means, so now you get aggressive and personal in a way to hide your mistake.

It won't work. A compromise is 50-50. You stuffed up there and you know it. At least have the honesty in good faith to admit it.

BrightonBunny · 22/03/2022 19:40

They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion

Run for the hills...

PinaColada123456 · 22/03/2022 19:40

@girlmom21 A compromise means neither the woman nor the man got their way. They met in the middle. That means 50-50 . The woman didn't more and the man didn't get more.

You had to have the definition of compromise explained to you, for goodness sake.

Midlifemusings · 22/03/2022 20:55

This sounds like a tradition that is important to them, even though it is unfamiliar to you. You can see from this thread that it isn't an unusual tradition and isn't a personal attack on your future motherhood.

I think it is important to step back from how you initially perceived it and your immediate negative reaction to think about it and whether or not you can understand it from their perspective and feel differently about it. Then have a conversation with him.

Compromise isn't always 50/50 with each specific thing. You might give on this and the compromise would be he gives on something later that is important to you that wouldn't be his first choice.

Lou98 · 22/03/2022 20:59

The issue is she was told by her male partner that she had no say at all in how her own child addresses people

Not people - one person, his Mum. Because that is what they call Gran's in their family.

The OP hasn't yet said (and I don't think is coming back) whether her Mum is around and what she wants to be called and whether her Partner is happy with that. If her Mum wanted to be called Gran but her Partner said he didn't want that - do you think she wouldn't do it anyway? You don't know, you're just assuming that he's dictating everything when the reality is, he just wants the baby (that doesn't even exist yet) to use the same name for his Mum that he used for his Gran. That doesn't make him controlling and abusive anymore than the OP telling him he can't have the baby call his Mum something is controlling surely? You sound like you have an agenda on men vs women here

dicedmint · 23/03/2022 07:31

Honestly. I think most grandmothers start this stupid tradition because they know they are taking the first words of how a baby addresses their mother away from their daughter in law or daughter.

Any elder woman I've met who has adopted this moniker has definitely had boundary issues/comes across controlling.

My MIL tried it. She failed. And no my children never copied their cousins.

Does your dh clearly not think that when a baby starts saying mama it should be towards you? Not towards power play granny? It's actually hurtful

dicedmint · 23/03/2022 07:33

@dizzydizzydizzy

I don't see the issue, so YABU. Everyone should be allowed to decide what they want to be called. I don't see why anyone else would be bothered.

So by that account. What if uncle called himself daddy? Or the grandmother wanted "mummy"

Don't be ridiculous

SirChenjins · 23/03/2022 08:50

@dicedmint

Honestly. I think most grandmothers start this stupid tradition because they know they are taking the first words of how a baby addresses their mother away from their daughter in law or daughter.

Any elder woman I've met who has adopted this moniker has definitely had boundary issues/comes across controlling.

My MIL tried it. She failed. And no my children never copied their cousins.

Does your dh clearly not think that when a baby starts saying mama it should be towards you? Not towards power play granny? It's actually hurtful

Absolutely agree. Mama is usually the first sound a baby makes, Granny knows what she’s doing. Does she see herself as the matriarch, chief Mama?

If she and your DH insist and you cba arguing anymore then refer to her as something like Granny mama or the old fashioned Grandmama so she gets her mama, your DH doesn’t have to stand up to mummy and you get your say.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/03/2022 08:55

Depends, one of mine has a mama pronounced mommar. It's quite common in the Midlands

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