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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

362 replies

Lily1992 · 22/03/2022 07:13

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 22/03/2022 08:04

Lots of people us ‘Ma-Mar’ for grandmother, I know people old and young. I personally don’t like it, my mum wanted it but I said no so she is Nanna as my grandmothers had been to me. If the other grandchildren call her it though and you see them regularly it may well end up being used.

Holly60 · 22/03/2022 08:04

@spacehardware

"Do you really want to breed into this weird family dynamic where your bloke is a mummys boy?"

This.

Except that OP has stated that her boyfriend is a ‘mummy’s boy’ (whatever that actually is) but the only evidence given for this is that he agrees with his mum that he would like her to be called a name in line with family tradition, which clearly has meaning to him as it is what he called his own grandmother.

Is a mummy’s boy just a man who sometimes agrees with his mum’s point of view rather than his partner’s? I’ve often agreed with my mum over my partner. I guess I’m a ‘mummy’s girl’?

SunshineAndFizz · 22/03/2022 08:05

I'd be more annoyed they were so insistent and it wasn't even a discussion. The grandkids in our family use different names (grandma, grannie...) and it's no problem whatsoever. Like other PP our little one couldn't pronounce 'grandma' so got 'mam-mar' which was cute.

Don't think I'd 'mamma' for anyone other than me.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 08:07

Is it momma or marmar (like grandma)?

Are there other grandchildren who already call her that? They're likely to follow what their cousins do if so.

Charette · 22/03/2022 08:07

Why are you discussing what a child who isn’t even conceived will call one of its grandparents?

I wouldn’t sweat it. My MIL was bustling about insisting she wanted to be ‘Nana’ (which I hate) when DS was a baby, but from toddlerhood, he has called all four grandparents by their first names with no prompting.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/03/2022 08:07

Don’t fall out over this OP. It really doesn’t matter.

GrumpyDullard · 22/03/2022 08:08

If such a trivial thing as what a theoretical child calls its grandmother is a big deal to you, I’d suggest you don’t try having any actual children.

MrsEricBana · 22/03/2022 08:10

I haven't heard of grandmothers being called Mama but I guess you agree what works for you that they are happy to be called. Doesn't matter if cousins call different names.

Sahgah · 22/03/2022 08:10

My MIL is Mamar and is from the midlands and apparently it’s normal there. My OH called his grandmother that and my nieces other grandmother is also called this.
I was completely taken aback when that’s what she said she was called but she was already a grandma to my niece so didn’t feel like I could say anything. I still hate it and can’t wait u til the kids feel they are too old to use a babyish name and call her grandma. If it was my own Mum I probably would have spoken up but then my own mum would have also asked me first. My parents are just normal Grandma and Grandpa.

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/03/2022 08:11

We had similar

MIL was called Granny one side and Nanny the other - no confusion
My mother has 4 children the grandchildren call her different things - again not confusing

I wouldn’t say anything - but refer to her as ‘Nanny (or whatever) and it will stick anyway

Nanny is coming for tea - oh here’s Nanny!

Kids will pick out the strongest reference.

TeaKlaxon · 22/03/2022 08:12

Your DP’s family have no right to insist on what your child calls them. Up for discussion or not this is not their choice.

But it is also not your choice alone. One PP who said ‘your baby your choice’ slightly missed the point that this won’t just be your baby. It will be your DP’s baby too. So you and DP need to work this one out between you.

If it’s a contest between your DP wanting to keep a family tradition and ensure your baby has the same interactions with their grandmother as their cousins do on the one hand, and you feeling iffy about your child calling another person a word that sounds a bit too close to mum on the other, that’s a tricky one. I don’t think you should dismiss or diminish the importance of tradition for your DP though.

Also it’s worth remembering that for babies and toddlers words are just sounds who take on whatever meaning you give to them. So while ‘mama’ might sound too close to being a mother like word for you, for your baby the word will just come to mean grandmother. Whatever word you use for yourself (mum or mummy or whatever) will come to be mean mother.

You could call granny ‘spaghetti’ - it doesn’t mean your child will think she is a long thin Italian pasta. Spaghetti will just mean grandmother in his or her world.

TulipsTwoLips · 22/03/2022 08:15

It's the being told without any discussion that would concern me. Yes, they have their traditions, but maybe you have your traditions too. Why are theirs more important than yours without discussion?

I think you need to have the conversation that you are not planning to give your child the exact replica of your DH's husband's life just because it suits their traditions. There are two parents here, and you both need an input, not just you but not just him either.

LadyMacduff · 22/03/2022 08:15

I think YABU. I'd never heard of it, but it's not a regional thing round here. It's clear to me that it has a different pronounciation, sounding audibly more like grandma than mummy.

If you are having a baby with this man you are also joining his family. These people are your baby's relatives, their heritage. If this is a part of your baby's family heritage, why wouldn't you let them be a part of it?

You risk creating conflict between you and a woman who may be an important, loving and supportive figure to your baby. Both my own mum and my MIL are very close to my children. They spend time together without me, stay overnight, have their own little routines. None of that means that they do not know that I am their mummy, or mean that they love/value me any less.

HopefulProcrastinator · 22/03/2022 08:16

YABU both my parents and my in-laws got to choose their 'name' as grandparents. One has opted for something pretty close to what the children call one of us...but oddly enough it hasn't confused the children, nor has it undermined any relationships.

It's not up to me what they wish to be known as, nor my husband.

If this is a hill you want to battle on, choose your ground carefully because any child your partner has will call his mother 'mama' whether you consent to it or not.

ArchieStar · 22/03/2022 08:16

My DN/SIL tried this with MIL. Didn’t like calling her nana so tried calling her gran. Swiftly shot down. If mama is already established just go with the flow.

OverproofRum · 22/03/2022 08:17

In many different cultures "mama" is used instead of nan/nanny.
My Gran always wanted to be called granmama, never happend though as none of us could say it so she was always "mama" and my granddad was "dad-dad
So yeah you're over thinking it and BU!

Basilthymerosemary · 22/03/2022 08:19

My children call all grandparents mama and dada and call ey mummy and and their father daddy. Not a big deal but we didn’t chose it it- you’ll find they find their own words to use which is normal. But all you can do it correct when you’re around if you hear it said.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 08:20

Yes, they have their traditions, but maybe you have your traditions too. Why are theirs more important than yours without discussion?

OP can still honour her traditions with her family and he can with his family. OP can't tell her MIL what they not-yet-conceived baby what she has to be called based on what she called her paternal grandmother.

Lorw · 22/03/2022 08:21

My neice/nephew call my mam marmar, it’s easier to say, I refer to her as marmar for my daughter, she isn’t going to get confused over who’s her mammy tbh 😁

User56436674 · 22/03/2022 08:22

The name would be really weird where I'm from, I assume it's not common where you live or it wouldn't be an issue. But I wouldn't be that bothered. However, I absolutely would not have a baby with a mummy's boy who "made it clear it wasn't up for discussion". If you let his family start dictating to you about your own child before they're even born, it absolutely won't stop there

iamsoreadyforbednow · 22/03/2022 08:25

Surely this would just be confusing for baby too.. as often their first pronunciation of ‘mum’ is mama/mumma.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with my baby calling their grandparent the same as me.. I’m mum, not her.

Will she settle for Nana? Because .. that’s what she is and it’s close enough (and more relevant)

Sailorsusan · 22/03/2022 08:25

I don't see a problem with the name.

I do see a problem with them all telling you what to do with no discussion before you have even had a baby though! I'd be careful about involving his family in your decisions so much.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/03/2022 08:26

It's pretty widely used. Much nicer than nanny.

billy1966 · 22/03/2022 08:26

@Staryflight445

The problem is irrelevant to me but this ‘ They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion’

That’s a red flag right there op.

This.

Why are you trying to have a baby with a mummy's boy?

This is going to be your life on EVERY issue.

Your opinion will never count and you will be over ruled, dismissed and bullied.

You are very foolish to be going ahead with this.
You will pay a high price for your foolishness.

QuizzlyBear · 22/03/2022 08:27

My MIL is from another culture where this is the norm - she wanted to be known as 'Mama Firstname' to my DS.

I knew it was cultural as my DH referred to his GM in this way, but I just couldn't get my head around it and vetoed it. It caused some upset but I think it was worth it to set boundaries I was comfortable with.

Incidentally both my DM and my MIL now have several grandchildren and they all call them different names! Makes absolutely no difference. Do what makes you comfortable!