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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

362 replies

Lily1992 · 22/03/2022 07:13

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 22/03/2022 07:47

Meh - this is one of those things you think is vitally important but really isn’t.

Your baby will know you’re their mother. They’ll babble mama at you well before they do to their grandmother. By the time they’re talking you’ll be mummy and she’ll be marmar and it will make no one jot of difference. Your child won’t be confused and no one’s taking away your important role through a naming issue.

Holly60 · 22/03/2022 07:49

To be honest I wouldn’t break their family tradition, especially as your future child’s cousins call her that. Your child won’t think their grandmother is their mum because of what they call them, and nor will anyone else.

In our family the grandparents themselves have chosen what they want to be called. Seems a bit unfair to give someone a name they don’t really want.

I’m guessing that your own mum will have her name that you and she are comfortable with? Does your husband get a veto on that?

ZekeZeke · 22/03/2022 07:50

You are not pregnant, you are trying for a baby.
Keep your business tro yourself, why is your MIL even aware of such personal information?

Qhen you have a baby, you decide what he/she calls the in laws

BennyTheWonderDog · 22/03/2022 07:52

(Actually to add to my previous post- while I think what they’re asking for is completely fine, it isn’t fine that they’re so dismissive of your opinion. That’s what would bother me, not the name.)

ApolloandDaphne · 22/03/2022 07:52

I find it bewildering that people would suggest not having a child with this man on the basis of the grandmothers name That's bonkers. It is a name that is used in the family so this child would be seen as a bit odd not using it, and probably would start using it eventually anyway. It is so not going to be an issue. Children know who their parents are.

oioimatey · 22/03/2022 07:52

[It will] confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother.

No, it won't. My cousins called our DGM things totally different to us. It wasn't at all confusing.

gamerchick · 22/03/2022 07:53

Personally I think you're missing the bigger picture here. Do you really want to breed into this weird family dynamic where your bloke is a mummys boy?

I'd be sorting contraception out and waiting a year or so.

NippyWoowoo · 22/03/2022 07:53

What odd reactions. There’s nothing wrong with the name, my great grandmother was referred to as ‘mama’ by some of her grandchildren. Maybe it’s cultural, but it really isn’t a big deal. It’s not the same as ‘mummy’

gamerchick · 22/03/2022 07:55

@ApolloandDaphne

Because there is usually other strange stuff that crops up once you have babies with insistent types of people in the family before a baby has even been conceived.

NoSquirrels · 22/03/2022 07:55

Also, I think it’s weird we think as parents we have a right to name someone else as an adult! We can name the baby, but the other adults should have some say in what they’re referred to as. My mum wanted Grandma which I wouldn’t have chosen as it wasn’t traditional in our family (growing up my grandmothers were Granny or Nana). Why fall out over something that makes someone else happy and won’t cost you anything?

itssunnyyay · 22/03/2022 07:56

I always called my Nan, Nan or nanny, my cousin called her granny or grandma.. no confusion whatsoever

spacehardware · 22/03/2022 07:56

"Do you really want to breed into this weird family dynamic where your bloke is a mummys boy?"

This.

picklemewalnuts · 22/03/2022 07:57

It's really normal round here. It's not the same name as usually used for mother.

It's not unusual for there to be a bit of pressure about the names, either. Both of our sets of parents wanted to be known as grandma and grandad. Mine were already grandma and grandad to their other grandkids. It seemed odd to me that they were all so determined about what they would be called, but so be it. We ended up with Grandma York and Grandma Weston, or Grandma hair and grandma dollies, as that's how we clarified which grandma we were talking about when they were small!

To give you an idea of how it feels from their point of view, it would be like your baby calling you by your first name instead of mummy. Or calling you Mother instead of mum.

I'd let it go- things will evolve on their own.

Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 07:58

The problem is irrelevant to me but this ‘ They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion’

That’s a red flag right there op.

Holly60 · 22/03/2022 07:59

@ZekeZeke

You are not pregnant, you are trying for a baby. Keep your business tro yourself, why is your MIL even aware of such personal information?

Qhen you have a baby, you decide what he/she calls the in laws

Um, I’m guessing her MIL is aware that her son is trying for a baby with his girlfriend because he wanted to tell her. I told my mum when we started trying for a baby- it’s not that unusual in families that get on.

Also - ultimately the child will probably decide what they want to call their grandmother, so OP probably shouldn’t get to worked up about it.

Finally, my DS and my DD asked me what I wanted to be called by their children. I would have been a bit peeved if they had just dictated to me what I had to be called without a chat.

MintyGreenDream · 22/03/2022 07:59

Dh sisters' kids call his dm Nanny-Mum.I refuse to let dc call her anything else other than Nanny.Weird af.

Beggingforsleep · 22/03/2022 07:59

My children call my DM Mam. We were going for Mamie (French) but my DD never got that far and it stuck at Mam so my DS followed. I do find it quite funny in the playground when I see people do a double take when they shout Mam to a 70+ year old but it’s not weird for us. I’m firmly Mummy.

It’s about what you want though and I think it’s harder when it’s your MIL. Do you get on with her? Is she going to be a lot of help?

Thewindwhispers · 22/03/2022 07:59

Nope. Mama = the mum for the vast majority of English speakers. Screw their tradition, what about everyone else’s?

MIL wanted to be called Grammar. I said no and we call her Granny because that is my tradition and it’s my child.

Tell them that you are the only person your baby will call mama, that they are upsetting you and it’s bad for the baby.

terriblyangryattimes · 22/03/2022 08:00

My husband's family called their grandma MaMa (but pronounced more mahmaw) but I think this is because they were more posh than anything else.
You will be the one with you child most of the time and can call grandma whatever you want to refer to her as in front of your baby when they arrive. This wouldn't be a hill I am willing to die on, they'll call you mama or whatever anyway as that's what you are!

TakeMeToKernow · 22/03/2022 08:01

Is it regional? Another Midlandser here who had a “momar” but I guess it might sound like mama to someone who hasn’t heard it before.

Knew a family who moved here from yorkshire and everyone - and I mean everyone - called the matriarch Mam.

DoorLion · 22/03/2022 08:01

DS called me mama until he was about three. I didn’t instigate it, he just called me that, but I loved it. Would have been sad to have had to have said “no DS MIL is mama, I’m mummy.”

IncompleteSenten · 22/03/2022 08:01

Why is their tradition the only one that matters?
Ask him what about your family traditions?

Tbh I think you're making a huge mistake trying for a baby with a mummy's boy. You surely must understand how it will go? Why choose to put yourself in that situation?

Ellmau · 22/03/2022 08:03

There are cultures that do this.

SoupDragon · 22/03/2022 08:03

I’m really not comfortable with this

Why?

It's not like anyone is going to mistake her for the child's mother. Especially as it isn't pronounced the same as the word for mother.

JackieQueen · 22/03/2022 08:03

Ask him if he'll be OK with your child calling your dad dada.

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