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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

362 replies

Lily1992 · 22/03/2022 07:13

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ruibies · 22/03/2022 08:28

I'd find this really annoying too. We are expecting our first and all grandparents so far have been bonkers about what they want to be called, it's doing mine and DH's head in. I don't want to refer to my MIL as something totally random because she's decided that 'grandma' sounds too old. I don't think grandparents should get to decide what they're called frankly, especially when they are all being insane about it. If you're not comfortable with Mama then don't use it - I won't be accommodating any of the rubbish that's been suggested by everyone in our family so far.

TerribleZebra · 22/03/2022 08:30

If your partner is from the East Midlands it's really common for granny to be called Mama (pronounced ma-mar). YABU you haven't concieved yet, you refer to your partner as a mummy's boy - you've got bigger problems than what your currently fictional kid is going to call their gran. If you have a boy will you encourage him to despise you just so no one accuses him of being a mummy's boy?

ThreeRingCircus · 22/03/2022 08:31

Is it regional? Because in my extended family there are loads of "mamas" (pronounced mar-mar). If so, it would be really strange to make your DC the odd ones out when all of their cousins call her mama but they don't because of you feeling a bit insecure. Nobody is going to mistake your MIL for mum, your DC will know who their mother is!

EskSmith · 22/03/2022 08:31

@NoSquirrels

Also, I think it’s weird we think as parents we have a right to name someone else as an adult! We can name the baby, but the other adults should have some say in what they’re referred to as. My mum wanted Grandma which I wouldn’t have chosen as it wasn’t traditional in our family (growing up my grandmothers were Granny or Nana). Why fall out over something that makes someone else happy and won’t cost you anything?
I agree entirely, my children's grandparents chose their own names for exactly this reason, I love them and want them to be happy.

Op you are going to have to get used to compromise, this won't be just your baby, you have to work with and compromise with your DH. Like others have said how would you feel if your DH vetoed what your mum could be called?

Workyticket · 22/03/2022 08:31

What will you be? I'm northern fo Mammy / Mam which is closer to Mama and I can see why that would bug you

If you will be Mummy / Mum then not so much

HariboHippo · 22/03/2022 08:31

So interesting to read Midlanders on here say it’s regional - as a born and bred midlander still living here I know absolutely no one who does this, it’s only ever been Nan. Personally I wouldn’t have been happy with Mama either OP.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 08:32

@HariboHippo

So interesting to read Midlanders on here say it’s regional - as a born and bred midlander still living here I know absolutely no one who does this, it’s only ever been Nan. Personally I wouldn’t have been happy with Mama either OP.
I've lived in the midlands all my life and I've never heard of it either
gingerhills · 22/03/2022 08:32

Does it matter? It's a family tradition and you are joining their family. You are 'mum' or 'mummy'. No one these days calls their mother mama so the implications are not at all that she is trying tio take over your role.

There's so much combative, petty hatred of MiLs on MN. Do people really enjoy fighting with and falling out with family over absolutely fuck-all? Makes no sense to me. There are posters suggesting the OP shouldn;t stay with the man because of this. Insane inability to compromise and prioritise.

Lipsandlashes · 22/03/2022 08:34

Is your partner’s family British? My daughter has a friend at school who call their grandmother ‘Mama’. They are not British and I assume it’s cultural. I think it’s rather sweet.

TrickyD · 22/03/2022 08:35

Look on the bright side. At least they don’t want ‘Nan’ ‘Nanny’ or ‘Nanna’, all of which I find toe-curlingly awful.

ThreeRingCircus · 22/03/2022 08:36

Also, I think it’s weird we think as parents we have a right to name someone else as an adult! We can name the baby, but the other adults should have some say in what they’re referred to as. My mum wanted Grandma which I wouldn’t have chosen as it wasn’t traditional in our family (growing up my grandmothers were Granny or Nana). Why fall out over something that makes someone else happy and won’t cost you anything?

I also agree with this. My MIL was Nanny which I absolutely hated, to me a nanny is someone employed to look after a child and sounds really babyish. But that was my issue and I didn't ever say anything because it was her choice. Unless your MIL is wanting to be called mum or mummy I really don't see the issue.

Anon778833 · 22/03/2022 08:36

It wouldn’t bother me, personally.

Charette · 22/03/2022 08:36

@gingerhills

Does it matter? It's a family tradition and you are joining their family. You are 'mum' or 'mummy'. No one these days calls their mother mama so the implications are not at all that she is trying tio take over your role.

There's so much combative, petty hatred of MiLs on MN. Do people really enjoy fighting with and falling out with family over absolutely fuck-all? Makes no sense to me. There are posters suggesting the OP shouldn;t stay with the man because of this. Insane inability to compromise and prioritise.

I’m quite fond of my MIL, and my ILs in general, but I certainly didn’t ‘join her family’ when I married DH.
girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 08:36

@TrickyD

Look on the bright side. At least they don’t want ‘Nan’ ‘Nanny’ or ‘Nanna’, all of which I find toe-curlingly awful.
What do you use?

I hate grandma and 'cutesy' names so we use nanny.

Charette · 22/03/2022 08:39

@TrickyD

Look on the bright side. At least they don’t want ‘Nan’ ‘Nanny’ or ‘Nanna’, all of which I find toe-curlingly awful.
I loathe them, too, but MIL was determined to be ‘Nanna’. She was outraged when DS started calling her by her first name aged about two.
Tiredalwaystired · 22/03/2022 08:39

Your child will call your mother in law whatever they like. It really isn’t your decision.

My mother is Gan Gan. Not a name I picked for sure.

user1483387154 · 22/03/2022 08:39

I wouldn't be happy with this, but mainly because where I live the mother I Mama, my mum wanted to be granny which I had no qualms with but my son couldn't say it so she is now Mimi

OfstedOffred · 22/03/2022 08:40

Mama is what most babies in the UK will call their mother, at least until about age 2 when it might shift towards mum/mummy. So I would find it odd to call a grandparent that.

You could suggest Grandmama, with the idea that when they are older and clearly calling you Mum/mummy (if that's what yo expect) it can be shortened to 'Mama to fit in with other grandchildren.

OfstedOffred · 22/03/2022 08:42

Your child will call your mother in law whatever they like. It really isn’t your decision.

Not true. They will copy what parents/siblings refer to the person as. It might varied if they can't say the word too clearly but if (for example) mum & dad refer to "Grandma" the child won't randomly choose to call the grandparent Nanny or Nonna or some other different word, they will use grandma or something close to it.

Hollywolly1 · 22/03/2022 08:43

I order what other traditions do they have that you have not discovered yet, she seems kind of over bearing.How fo they know you are trying for a child? Did you or your partner announce it?
Is it really about traditions or is it a competitive trait she has, I wouldn't be on for it

apple93 · 22/03/2022 08:44

Okay I had this exact problem but slightly different.

My husbands family are from a different culture however in that culture it is not cultural to call grandmother "mama"
My MIL tried saying it was cultural that's why her daughters children call her "mama" my husband repeated and told his mother no it's not and to stop lying as he didn't cal his grandma this bla bla bla.

It actually turned out, because she provided childcare for her daughters first born. She forced the boy to call her mama and then he called his own mum by "mama (SIL name)" then the other children followed.

I was having none of it. She would try say to my daughter (come to mama, mama apple93 will get you later) luckily my dh backed me completely and it resulted in very low contact NO ALONE TIME and lockdown happened which helped as dd started calling me mama in lockdown.

Now the reason I was so against it was because it was definitely a power play in my situation and still now she says she loves sil children more than mine because they call her mama ConfusedHmm

In your situation it does seem to be a tradition and your husband called his grandmother this which I think softens it.
But I get it. I spent a year obsessed on this issue it really put a dampener on my child calling me mama.

Could you perhaps compromise and call her mama (name) as tbh your child will call you mama only for a short time then it will turn to mummy most likely

Please don't let this upset you to the extent it did to me

CurbsideProphet · 22/03/2022 08:45

It's a bit odd to me that you've discussed with your boyfriend's family that you are trying to have a baby. Maybe this is completely normal in some families... I felt awkward telling mine we were having to start IVF.
You're having an argument about something that may not even be an issue for several years. Perhaps now is the time to check if there's anything else he feels so strongly about that it can't be compromised on.

TabithaTittlemouse · 22/03/2022 08:45

I wouldn’t be trying to conceive with someone who’s family are already dictating what is and isn’t open for discussion with my child.

I’ve not heard of mama used for a grandmother.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 08:45

Mama is what most babies in the UK will call their mother, at least until about age 2 when it might shift towards mum/mummy. So I would find it odd to call a grandparent that.

This isn't true either. Mama is what they'll call you for the first couple of months after they learn to speak. They'll only carry on if it's the word you use yourself. If you always refer to yourself as mommy they'll change to that. If you call yourself mom they'll follow suit there too. Definitely before 18 months.

SquirrelG · 22/03/2022 08:45

Struggling to see what the issue is here Confused