Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

362 replies

Lily1992 · 22/03/2022 07:13

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

OP posts:
neverthenot · 22/03/2022 09:04

@TerribleZebra

If your partner is from the East Midlands it's really common for granny to be called Mama (pronounced ma-mar). YABU you haven't concieved yet, you refer to your partner as a mummy's boy - you've got bigger problems than what your currently fictional kid is going to call their gran. If you have a boy will you encourage him to despise you just so no one accuses him of being a mummy's boy?
And this.
Kage30 · 22/03/2022 09:04

I have never heard of 'mama' for a grandmother. I wouldn't be cool with it either op so YANBU. We have granny, nanny, nanny and great gran here!

Spidey66 · 22/03/2022 09:04

I don’t get why people tell others they’re trying for a baby. It might take months. It may never happen. Tell me when a pregnancy is confirmed or at the 12 week scan. Until then I’m not interested that you’re having unprotected sex. :missespoint:

EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 09:04

It's not for them to say what is or is not up for discussion, because what you choose to teach your children is ultimately up to you. However, if it is pronounced marmar I'd suggest there is enough of a difference to make it clear that it has nothing to do with mum or mummy, so maybe if you really stress that pronunciation as your children are learning to talk that would be OK?

But it does sound as if you need to tread carefully. If they are effectively ordering you around over this, what else will they decide is "Not up for discussion"? Names? Whether a boy is circumcised? Whether the baby stays overnight with them? When the baby is weaned?

AdaColeman · 22/03/2022 09:04

He’s a mummy’s boy
This is just the tip of the iceberg of the problems that you will have with this manchild.
Dump him and find someone else, save yourself years of troubles and woe.

IncompleteSenten · 22/03/2022 09:05

If people can't understand the difference between an adult male who has a close relationship with his mum and a mummy's boy then that's their problem.

JamSandwich89 · 22/03/2022 09:05

My husband is Spanish. His Gran is called Mamá by the whole family. His Mum is called Mamá by DH and his siblings. My kids call me Mamá now. More than one person can have the same name and it can work. It's a common thing in other countries, like I think in Italy they do it too. Is your partner's family from somewhere else?

I can understand if you're not use to it it can feel a bit like 'No, I'll be our child's mama' but it doesn't sound like it's meant like your partner's Mum is taking your place.

It is a bit sharp for them to say it's not up for discussion, but maybe it's super important to them? Have you just shut it down without saying something like 'That seems odd to me, but I'll have a think about it'?

Also, ultimately it's you partner's Mum's name so unless it's something wholly inappropriate for a child to say she gets final say in my books. Surely just because a child is yours doesn't mean you can pick an adult's name...?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/03/2022 09:06

She could use Grandma, Nana, Nanny, Granny or Nan. I think you are right to stick to your guns on this.

mamabr · 22/03/2022 09:07

I wouldn't be ok with it. For me, 'mama' is used for the mother. I'm mama, not her grandmother. It's a privilege to be called mama, you carried, birthed and have suffered for this baby. So yes it's partly your choice on what you want your child to call their grandparents.
You shouldn't feel obligated just because it's part of your OH tradition.

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 22/03/2022 09:09

My eldest couldn't say grannie so called my mum a different name, my children all call her this alternative name whereas the rest of the family call her granny. It's fine. It makes no odds to have other people call her different names

BooksAndHooks · 22/03/2022 09:10

All 7 grandchildren call my Mum Mama but pronounced Marmar. As my eldest couldn’t say Grandma. She then chose to stick with it. I think it’s up to the grandparents to chose what they want to be called unless they are asking to be called Mummy or Mum it’s not unreasonable. It will be confusing if everyone else refers to her as Mama except for your child.

Starburst8 · 22/03/2022 09:10

YANBU OP. I wouldn't like it either. Mama to me is a variation of Mum/Mummy so for a grandparent to be called it I wouldn't be happy.

Though saying that maybe my judgement is cloudy as I have to at the moment, put up with my mum's partner referring to himself as Dad to my LO - In no shape or form is he dad!! It royally pisses me off and when I correct him, they both laugh and say "I meant Grandad".

If you're not happy with it then stick to your guns - it may be their tradition but it's not yours.

neverthenot · 22/03/2022 09:11

@Staryflight445

The problem is irrelevant to me but this ‘ They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion’

That’s a red flag right there op.

Well not really. My MIL made it clear it was not open for discussion that our DC would call her by her first name, not Grandma. I was sad about it. Especially as my mother was dead so MIL was the only grandmother. But it what WOULD be weird would be to force her to be addressed by a name or title she rejects.
StoppinBy · 22/03/2022 09:11

I am pretty pedantic about things like this but I think you are overreacting.

Are you planning on using the form of name that you used for your Grandparents for your parents? If so then I see no reason why your partner can't and shouldn't do the same for his side of the family.

Also, the child (if born in to a consensual and loving relationship) is both the Mother and Father's child and the Mother shouldn't get the only say in these matters IMO.

DowntonCrabby · 22/03/2022 09:13

@maddening

I would think carefully before having dc with this man and his family, if he puts his mum first that is how it will be forever, how domineering is she with the gc?
THIS!
GrumpyPanda · 22/03/2022 09:14

@Carpediem15

It is quite normal in The Midlands to call Grandmother - Mama. Not my choice but nephew always called her this.
That's so interesting! This would be deeply irritating to me as a native German speaker (mama is mum, grannies are oma, or in some versions omama). Then again, lived in Georgia for a few years where "mama" is actually dad and mothers are called "deda"! Doesn't sound like there's any nefarious intent so maybe OP should just go with the flow.
DoWhatYouLike · 22/03/2022 09:14

Round my way (East Midlands), grannies are often referred to as Mama but it's pronounced Mam-mar.

SomePosters · 22/03/2022 09:15

Personally I would stick with condoms until you’ve discussed this and the many many many many other complexities that come with parenting

neverthenot · 22/03/2022 09:16

Can I just say I am really hating the sexist stereotyping of the perjorative 'Mummy's boy'. Women do not get slagged for having close relationships with their mothers, so why should boys?
We can't live in an equal society with decent men if we sling around insults like this.

Katela18 · 22/03/2022 09:17

My DD2 calls my mum and my MIL Mama (she says it like ma-mar). This is just because she can't say grandma yet. However, when we talk to her about them we still call them Grandma.

I'd say it's really not an issue, however them saying something is not up for discussion when it impacts YOUR child would royal piss me off.

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 22/03/2022 09:19

My PIL tried to pull this shit with our first born and insisted FIL be known as Papa which is what the other GC called him! No way was I going to allow this… mama and papa are references to parents NOT grandparents. They didn’t appreciate us standing firm but our child our choice. My PIL are very controlling people and I needed to make a stand from the outset otherwise they would have taken over. My SIL has been controlled by them and they have pretty much taken over with her kids (now late teens).
OP - my advice to you is hold your ground, if this makes you feel uncomfortable then tell them that and ask they respect your wishes otherwise this could be the beginning of a long tiring battle! Good luck.

AhhhHereItGoes · 22/03/2022 09:19

Could it be done mama MILs name?
So Mama Joan for example?

It's lovely they have a tradition but ultimately it's up to both the parents of the baby, not just one of them.

ambereeree · 22/03/2022 09:21

Mama is used by many cultures for the paternal grandmother. It's just a name.

Feilin · 22/03/2022 09:22

I wasnt up for all the granny nana gran fuss. So I told my own mother and my mil categorically they were getting called granny and I wasn't discussing it . Thankfully neither of them argued .

Whatever00 · 22/03/2022 09:25

I wouldn't fight on this. If all the other children call her mama o reckon yours will follow anyway. I would pick my battles. This isn't a battle i think you'll win.