Stranger telling Dd off, how would you react?

[Whoisdangermouse]

Just want to check if I’ve overreacted. Yesterday I took Dd, 3 to the playground, she found another girl to play with and I was sat chatting to her mum on and off.
Another girl joined in and there was some arguing between her and dd, Dd telling her not to do something and DD’s new friend shouting at her not to aswell.
The new girl went off to play and Dd went to sit on one of those bouncy horse things, her new friend next to her waiting her turn.
New girl came up and started to say it was her turn and was being pretty annoying. I then saw her grandma, I think, she was with grandad and mum-young grandma, late 50’s perhaps, come up to Dd and start waggling her finger in her face telling her off 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd looked pretty shocked and unsure…she was quite aggressive about it. I went over and asked if everything was ok? In a fairly ‘What’s going on’ tone. She looked a bit embarrassed and said everything was fine.
I’m definitely not one to defend dd if she’s being a bugger, as she can be, but she’d clearly done nothing wrong and at 3 shouldn’t have had a stranger telling her off and wagging a finger in her face 🤷🏻‍♀️
Did I overreact? What would you have done?

@Goldbar Exactly, I’m exactly this way too

You totally changed your story! So I suspect your dd probably needed some adult intervention.

The problem with telling off other people's children is that the sort of people who do it often see nothing wrong with their own children's bad behaviour but step in as soon as it's their child on the receiving end. So, as in this case, it often comes across less as telling-off than as adults bullying children.

@Aprilx There was no ganging up? Dd telling her not to do those things to her and friend saying the same

@cttd1

I'd fly kick them in the face

@cttd1 Would you really?

Sounds more like you under reacted if anything. Not being a helicopter parent is one thing, but 3 is very small to be left to it with nobody intervening when another kid is being horrible. My eldest is 7 and I tend to leave him to it now unless something escalates, but at 3 there’s nothing wrong with distracting your kid when another one is being a bully which is what you’ve said in your subsequent posts. And if you new your dd was doing nothing wrong when a stranger was telling her off, after letting her grandchild push and pick on your kid, then you should have said something more than is everything ok. Don’t be afraid to stand up for your child.

@lottiegarbanzo

My rule of thumb for intervening with other people's children is danger. Deliberate or accidental.

Well I'll intervene for a whole host of reasons. Danger. Damage. Animal cruelty. Bullying behaviour. Inappropriate behaviour (looking under toilet cubicle doors, that sort of thing). Making mine or my children's lives a misery. I wouldn't raise my voice or wag my finger at a 3 year old but a firm "please stop that" or "no hitting"? I wouldn't hesitate.

@lottiegarbanzo No ganging up was happening 🤷🏻‍♀️
I always encourage turn taking, Dd and friend got on an empty horse, other girl immediately runs up out of nowhere kicking and trying to pull off saying it’s her turn. Gm arrives out of nowhere immediately putting her finger in DD’s face and talking aggressively

Be very interesting to hear the other side of this story.

@ENoeuf

On the telling off another child in my experience this results in a mouthful of abuse from the crap parent who thinks their child should be allowed to do whatever they want with no consequences.

1. Child pissing about in road deliberately standing in front of moving cars. I park, child kicks football onto roof of car. I say don’t do that again. Child leaves. Mother previously in flat arrives screeching at me.
2. Child launches self down slide too soon after mine kicking them in the end. I say don’t do that again you need to wait til it’s safe. Repeat of above.

Now I just feel shit kids and teens are not my problem.

Hmm..I've seen a bit of this as well. Regardless of what the dc is doing dangerous or not, they see it as an afront for any other adult to correct their dc. Some parents are their own worst enemy. It'll come back to bite them.

@Kolani I also agree that an adult can tell off another child if warranted, I’d be in full support of that if the situation was correct and if it was done appropriately, she was cruel and intimidating

[quote Whoisdangermouse]@lottiegarbanzo No ganging up was happening 🤷🏻‍♀️
I always encourage turn taking, Dd and friend got on an empty horse, other girl immediately runs up out of nowhere kicking and trying to pull off saying it’s her turn. Gm arrives out of nowhere immediately putting her finger in DD’s face and talking aggressively[/quote]
Oh gosh, so it wasn't like in your OP that she said it was her turn and was being "pretty annoying", but that she was kicking and pulling your DD off the horse? Blimey, why didn't you step in here?

Where were mum and grandad during this by the way? Standing having a fag by the slide?

@fairylightsandwaxmelts As I’ve said it was very brief, other mum (her new friends mum and I ) were sat watching and about to go over, we said to each other should we intervene, girls ran off, it was all dealt with…we thought

@gingerbiscuits For sure, that’s a justified situation.

It's just that you described ganging up in your OP. That's where people are getting it from: Another girl joined in and there was some arguing between her and dd, Dd telling her not to do something and DD’s new friend shouting at her not to aswell.

They both had a go at this girl, who then went away.

Three year-olds aren't known for their social subtlety. Girl 3 might not know how to make friends and seek positive attention. She's trying to join in but going about it the wrong way.

It may well have looked that way from her GM's perspective, anyway.

[quote Whoisdangermouse]@lottiegarbanzo No ganging up was happening 🤷🏻‍♀️
I always encourage turn taking, Dd and friend got on an empty horse, other girl immediately runs up out of nowhere kicking and trying to pull off saying it’s her turn. Gm arrives out of nowhere immediately putting her finger in DD’s face and talking aggressively[/quote]
See this doesn’t sound likely to be true based on your reaction. A child has been pushing and picking on your child for a while, and then ran up started kicking her and trying to pull a her off, and then an adult came over and stuck her finger in her face and aggressively told her off, and you wandered over and just asked if everything was ok? You’d have to be pretty stupid to wonder if you over reacted if this happened as you’ve said now.

@ENoeuf Agree, I’m the same and would absolutely back someone telling Dd off in those situations and she’d then be disciplined by me. This one wasn’t her fault and wasn’t dealt with correctly by Gm, she was mean! They’re 3 ffs

@Goldbar That’s exactly what it seemed like

@MissyB1 I’ve not changed anything 🤷🏻‍♀️Gone into more detail when asked but I’ve not changed it

@Bostromani I’d be very open to their view!

I think you underreacted… I would have told her to get her finger out of my child’s face and if she had a problem to speak to me about it

@kittensinthekitchen When the other girl ran up to the horse when the girls were playing nicely, I got up to walk over, Gm was there wagging her finger, I arrived at the horse and asked ‘Is everything ok?’ other girl ran off, Gm looked very embarrassed, I said to her Dd was there first and nobody there, then I said loudly that everyone has to play nicely together. Gm and family looked embarrassed/shifty and started being really nice to me. That’s why I was questioning if I’d been wrong to come over in the manner I did. But still thinking about the way she poked her finger and talked, I’m glad I was there straightaway.
I just felt a bit embarrassed after and wondered if I was being a bit of a twat to rush in.

@Freddiefox

To be honest it sounds like you should have stepped in during the shouting. You keep adding bits to make the new child look like she was in the wrong.

Yeah, this. Not enough supervision. They're 3. There was some argy bargy going on. You should have intervened at that point, and found out exactly what was going on. Yes, they do need to "figure things out for themselves" as you put it, but before they learn how to do that they need to know what to do in a situation like that, and if shouting was already going on, it had clearly built up with no adult paying attention. Besides, if you just ignore it and let them get on with it, how do you know it's not your own child being the one causing the trouble? You need to be monitoring and guiding them as to social etiquette. It's not Lord of the Flies.

@Unsureaboutit9 It wasn’t for a while, it was a brief exchange as I said, but I could see her running around the playground being a pain to numerous kids-her Gm should have told her off surely

@Bostromani

Be very interesting to hear the other side of this story.

yes! wouldn't it just!