Stranger telling Dd off, how would you react?

[Whoisdangermouse]

Just want to check if I’ve overreacted. Yesterday I took Dd, 3 to the playground, she found another girl to play with and I was sat chatting to her mum on and off.
Another girl joined in and there was some arguing between her and dd, Dd telling her not to do something and DD’s new friend shouting at her not to aswell.
The new girl went off to play and Dd went to sit on one of those bouncy horse things, her new friend next to her waiting her turn.
New girl came up and started to say it was her turn and was being pretty annoying. I then saw her grandma, I think, she was with grandad and mum-young grandma, late 50’s perhaps, come up to Dd and start waggling her finger in her face telling her off 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd looked pretty shocked and unsure…she was quite aggressive about it. I went over and asked if everything was ok? In a fairly ‘What’s going on’ tone. She looked a bit embarrassed and said everything was fine.
I’m definitely not one to defend dd if she’s being a bugger, as she can be, but she’d clearly done nothing wrong and at 3 shouldn’t have had a stranger telling her off and wagging a finger in her face 🤷🏻‍♀️
Did I overreact? What would you have done?

@ColMustardInTheLibrary

What would you suggest she do OP? You’ve described your DD and her new friend excluding the other young girl and shouting at her. Doesn’t seem like you were planning so step in…was the lady supposed to hang back and watch as her child/grandchild was excluded and shouted at?

Tell her to go & play on another bit of equipment & she could play on the horse when the girls were finished. Precious GC doesn't get to just have the horse because she wants it NOW. Teach Muss Shouty pants that the world doesn't actually revolve around her.

She was out of order given the age of your child and the way she did it. I will intervene with my child (4yo) and friends they meet at the playground if they're fighting or not taking turns, but not in a telling-off way, more a bright and breezy "what's the matter? Can we all take turns please? Let's wait until X has finished and then you can have a go." I have also said to children I've seen doing dangerous things, "Please stop that. It's not safe and someone is going to get hurt." Anything more than that and I would look for the parents. It's certainly not my place or anyone else's to intimidate someone else's small child (and having a stranger in your face is intimidating!). So YANBU to be annoyed.

@ColMustardInTheLibrary They weren’t excluding her! She was being awful to them, when they were previously being nice and playing together, they could’ve all played but the little girl was acting that way. There’s nothing wrong with both girls telling her to stop doing something if she was doing that, in my opinion and the Gm should’ve stepped in then. As it happened both girls ran off away from the situation and went to play on the horse, when girl approached again trying to kick and saying she wanted a go, Gm approached straightaway and started wagging her finger at Dd..she hadn’t actually done anything wrong! No one was on the horse, other girl was somewhere else, Dd and new friend were playing happily. Dd is 3, she’s never left anyone out, perhaps it will come later as it does with many kids, particularly girls, but Dd was happy to play with everyone. They both obviously didn’t like the way the girls behaviour was and who can blame them.

@MindfulMarch - or perhaps she should be teaching precious DD how unkind it is to gang up on and shout at others.

Hmm, that’s quite a different account to the one you gave in your OP 🤔

[quote Whoisdangermouse]@Flossieskeeper I watch Dd constantly and am working on being less of a helicopter type parent now she’s 3 and not follow her everywhere, we were sat on a bench very close.[/quote]
You were happy enough for your child to gang up with her “new friend” on another child. Perhaps this adult felt something needed to be said seeing as you were happy to sit and watch.

@cttd1

I'd fly kick them in the face

Would you, aye?

*The other girl instigated it and was acting like a pain

@inheritancetrack then you'd best make sure she doesn't behave in a way that makes other people want to intervene. Because you aren't the only arbiter of what's acceptable and not in a public space. Not saying you are wrong in this instance but as with a pp, I'm totally over other people's children behaving badly whilst their parents look smilingly on (or just don't see).

[quote inheritancetrack]@Cyw2018 DD is 3 years old so its not appropriate for strangers to tell her off. When she's older of course, but for now she needs the security of family setting boundaries.[/quote]
Utter bullocks.

Other adults telling young children off is not a problem as long as they're justified & gentle about it. If the parent thinks they're the only one who can tell them 'no' then they need to hover & ensure their child is behaving.

It's not appropriate to intimidate someone else's 3yo. Children that age are often scared of well-intentioned strangers, let alone strangers acting aggressively towards them. If there are problems with the behaviour of children that age, the correct thing is to tell the parents.

I told someone else's kid off once, in a park, when she purposely smacked my son in the face with a closed up umbrella - I saw the whole thing but was just slightly too far away to grab it & head it off! She ran off, crying & her outraged mother stomped up to me, yelling that I'd upset her darling daughter - she got a HUGE mouthful from me, as I was consoling MY upset child at the time! It was pure, in the moment, mum-rage & to be honest, I don't regret it at all - I'd do it again, in a heartbeat!

I'd have done what you did but then pointed out that girl 2 was waiting for her turn, then it would be girl 3's turn.

It sounds like your dd and new friend had ganged up against girl 3 and were trying to exclude her. No wonder she was playing up 'being annoying' (she's 3!). So I'd be reinforcing fair turn-taking, for everyone's benefit.

I suspect that once G2 had had her turn, the two of them would have run off to the next thing and G3 would have wanted to follow, not ride on the horse, because what she really wanted was to join in and play with them. How would you have managed that?

I think a bit of active encouragement of turn-taking, sharing and playing together nicely was probably in order.

"Another girl joined in and there was some arguing between her and dd, Dd telling her not to do something and DD’s new friend shouting at her not to aswell."

From this it sounds like your daughter and her friend were not very nice to this girl in the first place. Since you saw this interaction, that was the point you should have gone over.

@OfstedOffred

'ttelling off’ which is down to a parent, or an authority (such as an employee or warden

This is clearly one not everyone agrees on. My view is that it is perfectly fine for any adult to tell off a child who is misbehaving, and that teaching kids this isn't ok is how you get entitled kids who think they deserve all the rights with none of the responsibilities.

Agreed. I don't get all this 'a stranger shouldn't be telling my dc off', how precious!, perhaps if people focussed on why another adult is having to tell their precious dc off behaviour outside the home would be a lot better.

@cttd1

I'd fly kick them in the face

Blimey

@AnnesBrokenSlate But she didn’t do any of those things? She wasn’t ganging up, she was telling the child to stop being the way she was to them. She wasn’t hogging the horse, she just got on it?

My rule of thumb for intervening with other people's children is danger. Deliberate or accidental.

@Whoisdangermouse

*The other girl instigated it and was acting like a pain

So why didn't you intervene and take your 3yo away at that point?

I should add that my rage was directed at the mum - not so much the kid! She had also witnessed the incident & done sweet FA at the time.

@MindfulMarch Exactjy! That’s how I felt. When her Gd was doing all her naughty things around the playground, she was just laughing, mum was just stood, staring into the distance.
It wasn’t my place to step in at that point, it was theirs, it was brief and the girls ran off away to get back to playing.

You did the right thing

@Whoisdangermouse

You did the right thing. I have no problem with others telling DC off & nonissue with telling other children to stop doing xyz.

However, in this situation both DGD & GM sounds like pains in the arse. I'm sorry they spoilt your morning!!

Try not to give it anymore headspace & enjoy the rest of the lovely weekend!

On the telling off another child in my experience this results in a mouthful of abuse from the crap parent who thinks their child should be allowed to do whatever they want with no consequences.

1. Child pissing about in road deliberately standing in front of moving cars. I park, child kicks football onto roof of car. I say don’t do that again. Child leaves. Mother previously in flat arrives screeching at me.
2. Child launches self down slide too soon after mine kicking them in the end. I say don’t do that again you need to wait til it’s safe. Repeat of above.

Now I just feel shit kids and teens are not my problem.

@gettingolderandgrumpy Yes, I’m sick of that too, this wasn’t happening from our side, from theirs yes