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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend copies everything... even DCs name?!

191 replies

Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 00:05

Long story short. I have a friend who, in other people’s words, is besotted with me/borderline obsessed. They’re lovely as a person but over the years I’ve seen my engagement ring copied, my watch copied, and now my DCs name...

Received a message asking if they would mind if they selected DCs name for their own DC even though when we announced DCs name they noted that they thought it was odd, sneered at it and said they weren’t a fan.

What would you do? I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.

They are seeing a health professional for underlying MH issues so I want to be sensitive but feel this is just getting too much now...

Thoughts?

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 17/03/2022 00:06

I would say no I do mind, perhaps think of another?

Readytopop2022x · 17/03/2022 00:07

Distance yourself. Remove them from your socials and your life. A bit too toxic for my liking!

bonfireheart · 17/03/2022 00:09

If they've asked then at least they've given you a chance to say no.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2022 00:09

They're not lovely if they sneer at your DC's name.

Are they really lovely and a friend, or are you making excuses?

Squeezita · 17/03/2022 00:10

Why are you friends with someone who sneers at you?

I would ask them why they are picking a name that they were sneering at when you chose it for your dc.

And tell them you'd prefer it if they didn't use it. They still will but at least they know it's annoyed you.

Original poster
Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 00:14

@MrsTerryPratchett

They're not lovely if they sneer at your DC's name.

Are they really lovely and a friend, or are you making excuses?

I can see where you’re coming from on this but they’re not very socially aware. I know them very well and they wouldn’t have meant any hurt from it. They just lack that awareness.
OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 17/03/2022 00:20

I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.

Phrase it exactly as you have here. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 17/03/2022 00:26

I know them very well and they wouldn’t have meant any hurt from it. They just lack that awareness.

Well, sneery or not, if you tell them that you DO mind them using that name and they do so anyway, that

  1. They have enough social awareness to know that it might upset you because they had to ask in the first place.
  1. They are prepared to hurt you by ignoring your wishes and
  1. They are not lovely.
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 17/03/2022 00:30

I would tell them that I do mind them using the name and I would probably have to distance myself from them a bit because it feels too weird.

JennyWren · 17/03/2022 00:56

Just tell her that you think her baby deserves a name that is special to him/her, not just a name copied from their mum’s friend’s child.

NurseBernard · 17/03/2022 01:05

Thank you for asking - actually, I do mind if you choose the same name as my DC. There are so many lovely names out there - I know you will choose a great one that’s just right for your DC.

Incognito32 · 17/03/2022 01:11

Maybe message back - I thought you didn't like the name and I think it would be best if you chose something different, otherwise it's going to be very confusing. Do you need some help thinking of names?

Chloemol · 17/03/2022 01:16

I would just go back you made it very clear you didn’t like the name, so I don’t see why you would choose it, it might be best to choose another

But I would also start backing away

HiJenny35 · 17/03/2022 01:30

I'd just let them call their child whatever they like as it makes absolutely no difference at all if both children have the same name. I can't believe people actually think it's OK to tell people what they can't call their child.

DropYourSword · 17/03/2022 01:51

No one really owns a name though. It's bizarre she's wanting to use the same name to be fair, and as she's asked you you can tell her the truth and let her know you'd prefer her not to use it but you have to be aware she still might.
I don't see anything wrong with getting a similar watch, ring etc though!

Kanaloa · 17/03/2022 02:57

If you think they’re nice and are just doing this out of awkwardness could you phrase it as being because you’re so close? Something like ‘oh but we can’t have two little Jamies since they’ll be playing together lots! It would be like if my sister chose the same name for her child!’

Personally I’d have chucked her when she sneered at my kid’s name but I’ve no patience for stuff like that. If I’m friends with people it’s because I like them and I think they like me, rather than because I feel sorry for them/too awkward to chuck them.

Kanaloa · 17/03/2022 02:59

@HiJenny35

I'd just let them call their child whatever they like as it makes absolutely no difference at all if both children have the same name. I can't believe people actually think it's OK to tell people what they can't call their child.
This is one of those things people always say but it’s the context. Obviously if an acquaintance at work chose the name Thomas and my son is Thomas it would be ‘haha I have a Thomas too! We’ll have big Tommy and little Tommy how cute!’

But if that same person had copied my jewellery, sneered at my child’s name, and was ‘obsessed’ with me to the point that third parties had noticed and remarked on it then it would have quite a different context and feel much more intrusive/upsetting.

SilverDoe · 17/03/2022 03:21

*This is one of those things people always say but it’s the context. Obviously if an acquaintance at work chose the name Thomas and my son is Thomas it would be ‘haha I have a Thomas too! We’ll have big Tommy and little Tommy how cute!’

But if that same person had copied my jewellery, sneered at my child’s name, and was ‘obsessed’ with me to the point that third parties had noticed and remarked on it then it would have quite a different context and feel much more intrusive/upsetting*

Yap. It's creepy. I would say I'm not really comfortable with it, you didn't even like name when I thought of it, and you should find another name that you've put time and effort into choosing.

When she inevitably uses the name anyway I would use it as an excuse to distance myself.

Perhaps I am a selfish person but I could never invest so much time in such a creepy, stalkerish relationship.

Usernameinsponeeded · 17/03/2022 03:49

I’d take the advice above and begin backing away. It slowly wears you down.

My sister in law (she married my husband’s brother) was like this.

She would criticise absolutely every single choice I ever made in life yet copied every single one of them herself. Her children’s names all rhyme with each of my children’s names. She copied their clothes, where they went to nursery, then school.

My daughter asked and begged aged 9 to get her ears pierced for her birthday. She had them done, and the SIL claimed it was child abuse, she’s too young etc, yet less than a whole month later, her two girls (9 and 7) got theirs done.

She copied the degree subject I did at university. My mother in law had told her about my dissertation subject I’d done and low and behold, sister in law does her dissertation on exactly the same novel, albeit a decade later than I did mine, but it was enough for my old university professor to call me and discuss.

We ended up moving abroad. Guess where she wants to move to now?

Everyone passed it off as funny, or cute. Or imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. It’s not. It’s extremely weird.

BambinaJAS · 17/03/2022 04:01

Its a type of personality disorder.

Google "mirroring"

I would not downplay this if I were you. It can get quite a lot worse over time.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 17/03/2022 04:29

It's just weird isn't it? A close friend of ours called her daughter a name that I actually love. If I were to have a daughter I would want to call her it but I wouldn't because it's unusual so would look like we copied her (which i guess we would be as i hadnt ever heard it before ahe had her dd). I wouldn't even ask the question!

Although I have had a jokey go at her for using it as now I can't Grin

Distance yourself op, jewlrey etc is one thing, but this is getting too much!

autienotnaughty · 17/03/2022 05:16

I would say, it's your choice what you name dc but I am uncomfortable with you choosing my dc name.

Leol · 17/03/2022 05:17

Distance yourself from it. I had this from someone and it wasn’t healthy at all. I didn’t notice until friends pointed it out. After a bit it became quite suffocating and she even started taking things from me. I don’t think she ever actually genuinely liked me, I think she just wanted some of my life and some of what I had.

PAFMO · 17/03/2022 05:35

Unless the name is unique, then nobody needs to ask anybody permission. Nobody owns a name.
That said, it's unclear why you're actually friends with this person given what you've said. Maybe them using the same name is your chance to end the friendship.
Do you get anything out of it?

Somuddled · 17/03/2022 05:41

If you plan on stay friends with this person but really don't want her to use the name I would give the a different name to copy. Tell her you would be a bit uncomfortable (seeing as she asked you directly) but for reasons you aren't able to share with her. Then go on to say you would love to help her find another name and tell her how close you came to selecting X name for it is lovely but didn't work with your surname etc. Wax lyrical about 3 or 4 of your back up names as suggests for her.