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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend copies everything... even DCs name?!

191 replies

Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 00:05

Long story short. I have a friend who, in other people’s words, is besotted with me/borderline obsessed. They’re lovely as a person but over the years I’ve seen my engagement ring copied, my watch copied, and now my DCs name...

Received a message asking if they would mind if they selected DCs name for their own DC even though when we announced DCs name they noted that they thought it was odd, sneered at it and said they weren’t a fan.

What would you do? I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.

They are seeing a health professional for underlying MH issues so I want to be sensitive but feel this is just getting too much now...

Thoughts?

OP posts:
MurmuratingStarling · 17/03/2022 11:22

@gamerchick

Hard to advise when people are so ambiguous about someone's gender. Why do people DO this

Because it irritates people.

Grin
WineGetsMeThroughIt · 17/03/2022 11:31

Also just thought I'd say that I used to have a friend who copied everything I did & bought. She did the same with another friend. It got so annoying that I started lying and saying I liked something or bought something that I actually hadn't just to see if she would do the same. She did. Anything I actually did buy I'd not tell her about. Annoying, but it gave me a bit of relief to know she was wasting her time & money buying stuff I finally had no interest in

amusedbush · 17/03/2022 11:31

I know everyone on MN says "nobody owns a name" but I find copycats to be really irritating. If it was just an isolated incident where she happened to like the same name for her child then fine, lots of people have the same name as someone they know. However, this person is blatantly copying every aspect of your life and it's weird.

I had a friend who was like this and it got old quickly. I'd get new glasses and she would buy the same ones. I'd get a fringe cut in, so would she. One time I showed her a picture of a dress I had ordered and she immediately (as in, right there in front of me) found it online on her phone and pulled out her bank card to buy it for herself Confused

I would tell your friend that you're not comfortable with it. Even if she goes ahead and uses the name, you'll have made it clear that you're unhappy about it and you can start to pull away from her.

DropYourSword · 17/03/2022 11:38

[quote MurmuratingStarling]@Bakeacake131 are THEY male or female? You keep saying THEY, and you haven't said he or she at any point. Is this friend male or female?

It must be much harder to keep saying they, and them, and their, and they're, than it is to just say him, her, she, or he.

Hard to advise when people are so ambiguous about someone's gender. Why do people DO this?[/quote]
What difference does it make in this particular situation?

Rosehugger · 17/03/2022 11:46

I'd say that I don't mind, it's their free choice. But I'd start distancing myself from this person further and block them on social media.

SilverDoe · 17/03/2022 11:50

Call me sexist but the copying baby names and engagement rings makes the friend sound distinctly female.

Whatever00 · 17/03/2022 12:20

I would say...

I think it would be confusing if both kids have the same name because we will all be spending so much time together.

Original poster
Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 13:59

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Aren't you getting a huge tattoo this week end op? Garish and obvious?
Loved this - thanks for the laugh amongst this Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 14:01

@RosiePosieDozy

I have read on here before that some people copy a friend like this because they're struggling mentally, questioning every decision they make and so making the same decisions as a friend means that they can be confident that they're doing things right.

Re the name, I wouldn't name my child the same name as a friend's child unless I was in love with the name. As a pp said, no one owns a name and friends come and go. She might well love the name or she might be doing this because of her mental illness. She has asked you what you think so now is your opportunity to be honest in a sensitive way.

This is a really interesting take. I think she falls firmly in this camp - anxiety is a huge issue for her
OP posts:
EdithRea · 17/03/2022 14:04

I'd just say whatever and stop seeing them. They sound dull and annoying.

Original poster
Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 14:04

@SilverDoe

Call me sexist but the copying baby names and engagement rings makes the friend sound distinctly female.
They are female - sorry, I agree with you and thought it was clear and didn't intentionally leave their sex out of it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 14:07

Thank you everyone for your input with this - although the poll results firmly agree that this is moving into a weird and uncomfortable friendship zone the different perspectives and approaches in how to respond have really helped.

I'll message her later drawing on the 'you didn't like it / it's special to us - find something special to you / I don't own it, but it is weird' and see what I get back.... Will update in due course

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 17/03/2022 14:59

RosiePosieDozy
“I have read on here before that some people copy a friend like this because they're struggling mentally, questioning every decision they make and so making the same decisions as a friend means that they can be confident that they're doing things right.

Re the name, I wouldn't name my child the same name as a friend's child unless I was in love with the name. As a pp said, no one owns a name and friends come and go. She might well love the name or she might be doing this because of her mental illness. She has asked you what you think so now is your opportunity to be honest in a sensitive way.”

That’s probably true, but it’s still irritating and not very thoughtful of others. Definitely say yes you would mind, I would mind!

SeasonFinale · 17/03/2022 15:04

I would reply "You had never going for a minute there. As if you would choose (name). For a second I thought it was 1 April. What Re you calling them really?"

SeasonFinale · 17/03/2022 15:04

*me not never

GrendelsGrandma · 17/03/2022 15:18

I don't think I'd even notice the ring or watch. It's just jewellery, who gives a toss? The name - it would depend if it was fairly common like Elizabeth etc it wouldn't be an issue.

It doesn't sound as if you like her that much though?

Itsnotover · 17/03/2022 15:21

YANBU but nobody owns a name. YABU for staying friends with this person - bin the friendship. Nobody needs this crap. As a parting gift you should send her a copy of ‘Single, White Female’.

Original poster
Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 18:33

@GrendelsGrandma

I don't think I'd even notice the ring or watch. It's just jewellery, who gives a toss? The name - it would depend if it was fairly common like Elizabeth etc it wouldn't be an issue.

It doesn't sound as if you like her that much though?

I also wouldn’t have noticed had she not made a point of saying... ‘it’s just like yours!!’
OP posts:
cuno · 17/03/2022 18:39

I can't imagine calling someone lovely if they sneered at my child's name and behaved like that. My mum had a friend like this, always copied my mum and was a bit obsessive but seemed "lovely". Then she started making comments about if anything happened to my mum she would have her kids. And then she picked up my sister from school and said she was going to crash her car into a wall. Yes, this woman had MH difficulties as well, but a line has been crossed. Slowly distance yourself.

ForeverSingle881 · 17/03/2022 19:12

Let her call her kid whatever she wants and block her from your life. Copying you is all kinds of weirdness and won't improve over time, it will just get creepier and creepier.

Therealjudgejudy · 17/03/2022 19:42

Distance yourself. She sounds quite toxic

StrandedStarfish · 18/03/2022 17:31

I would suggest you tell them they should give their child a name to grow with, rather than live up to.

Kate0902900908 · 18/03/2022 17:33

TOXIC. Run!
My friend had a friend the exact same, it’s not healthy for them or you. Withdraw and distance yourself

crowisland · 18/03/2022 17:36

Really poor taste. Tell her you had chosen the name hoping it would be unique so she’s undermining that wish. Of course you can’t prevent her, but it displays remarkable lack of originality on her part. She was she says. Also- tell her that (Ashkenazi) Jews are not permitted to name a child after someone still living…and you like that tradition and would feel hurt if she doesn’t respect it

ForeverLooking · 18/03/2022 17:37

I had this. My "friend" would copy everything I did, clothes, cars, hairstyles. I'd find it bemusing on good days, unbearable on bad. After far too many years of putting up with her behaviour (she was also a bit sly and always wanted to one up me) I ended the friendship and have been so much happier since. Six years on and I've never once regretted ending things. Looking back now, it's clear she was very insecure. She actually messaged and apologised a few years ago but I left it on read. If you want my advice, move on and don't look back.

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