Friend copies everything... even DCs name?!

[Bakeacake131]

Long story short. I have a friend who, in other people’s words, is besotted with me/borderline obsessed. They’re lovely as a person but over the years I’ve seen my engagement ring copied, my watch copied, and now my DCs name...

Received a message asking if they would mind if they selected DCs name for their own DC even though when we announced DCs name they noted that they thought it was odd, sneered at it and said they weren’t a fan.

What would you do? I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.

They are seeing a health professional for underlying MH issues so I want to be sensitive but feel this is just getting too much now...

Thoughts?

Have we established the style of ring? If it’s a solitaire diamond in platinum or another common style then you might be being precious, same with the watch, i wouldn’t find it weird at all if my friend loved the watch I bought so went out and got one, I mean it’s just a watch.

Name? No one Owns a name? I mean I’d be low key gutted if my friend chose one of my fave names because that meant I wouldn’t use it, but that’s my personal choice, maybe her partner loves the name? Is it a unique name? Or quite common? Any significance to you or her?

Personally I don’t see this as too much of a big deal

When my friend was pregnant with my god daughter, I dislike like the name she picked and I told her a didn't like it. I think the words I used was that's awful. This doesn't make me any less of a friend, she asked me for my opinion on the name and I gave it her, I wasn't going to lie and say I liked it. She would say exactly the same to be had I asked her about a name she didn't like. Over the years ( GD is 13 now) the name has grown on me I personally still would call my child it but I don't think it's awful
Any more. Maybe this is the same for your friend perhaps the name you chose has grown on her and she quite likes it now. To be honest no one owns the rights to any name and does it really matter if she wants to call her child the same name? If your that unhappy about it suggest some different names.

With regards to the name - she has asked you so you could reply and say - "oh they will be good friends I hope so maybe it would be strange if they have the same name! Do you have any other ideas?" or something nonchalant like that.

I say this from experience because I used to have a friend like this - and I know what it's like (a bit of a mind f- ). I must warn you that my friendship like this escalated from simple copying clothes, social media posts, music taste to following me to gigs and other events (without telling me she would be there, just turning up with her confused looking husband), hanging around my neighbourhood (miles aways from hers), copying my pets (no joke, same species and same colour), her faking illness and injuries for attention from me and a mutual friend finding photos of the inside of my cupboards on her phone... I ended up cutting contact but she still moved her kid to the same nursery as mine and is now working at my place of work (it's a big institution so a barely see her as we are in v different departments). Meanwhile she was badmouthing me to my boss consistently and sharing confidences I had told her. It was really bad. I just want to warn you- I made a LOT of excuses for my friend and ended up really suffering mental health wise from the whole thing. That being said I know these kind of people seem quite sweet and I think they engender sympathy from specific kinds of people (that they target). I think it's fair to say that they are not well themselves... but it's important to protect yourself. I hope this isn't too harsh sounding cause I really feel for you. good luck

I guess there's a bigger back story because a watch, a ring and a name doesn't seem to be 'copying' everything. I mean engagement rings usually go through trends. Lots of people have similar ones. And in my world, people recommend watches to friends.
I wonder if the people 'teasing' you about this friend have contributed to you seeing harmless similarities as Single White Female territory.

I think the problem with this kind of relationship is that it is not simple. It may appear as adoration but can turn on a pinhead to he opposite. It’s happened to me a few times, makes me uncomfortable, sometimes competitive, sometimes enmeshing and always ended negatively. Which is sad.
If your DC’s name is a bit unusual then I think you could say you’d rather they didn’t as they have asked. Can you offer to choose another name with her? Some peoples egos are very fragile and I’m sure you don’t want to hurt her but boundaries are being trodden on and you should clearly but kindly defend them.

“Hi, yes I think it would be weird if they have the same name, especially as you didn’t even like it when we first mentioned it! Thanks for asking, I’d be much more comfortable if you choose a different name. xx”

@TomRaider

My partner's best mate contacted us a few months ago to say they was thinking of giving their second child our child's first name. Not because they was copying but it had strong family connections for them.

They was essentially asking permission.

We told them not to be daft, were flattered they like the name we chose and it matters not one bit they wanted to give their child with the same name. It was like a huge weight had lifted from them.

We really didn't think it was a Biggie.

Just goes to show

Just goes to show what?

Find a new friend, this one is clearly bonkers and life's way to short to put up with this

Single White Female territory here

MH issues or not this is odd. MH issues at not a reason to copy friends and rings, children’s names

Oh we have some acquaintances who have copied us to the point of weirdness. We moved to a "do-er upper" with a great view. They then moved to what they described as "a do-er upper with a great view just like yours". Then they installed the same bathroom suite and tiles, the same kitchen (we chose an unusual colour scheme and they have copied it), they then turned up on winter holiday in the same country, same village, next door apartment in same block, and proceeded to turn up at the same place as us every day on holiday and tried to join in everything we did. Their child started introducing itself by my DC's name. They would hide behind things and spy on us and then run away. It came to a point when they said they were going to buy the next door apartment to the one we own. We would literally NEVER get away from them. We said we were planning to sell it, so they changed their minds and thankfully someone else bought the apartment. We stayed. Now they drive miles out of their way every day to go past our house in the morning on the way to school and then later comment on what they have seen us doing (eg "I saw you on your bike" or "I saw you walking to school" accompanied by a creepy snigger). They have been to our house and the DC has now got all the same clothes as my DC and also wears 2 things that seem to have gone missing from my DC's bedroom. It is so creepy. We don't know how to get shot of them.
If you get a chance WITHDRAW from this "friend".

Run.

I think withdraw also. I had a friend at uni who copied my clothes, tried to form exclusive twosomes with my friends, and finally nicked my partner.

@Namechangestimes100

Have we established the style of ring? If it’s a solitaire diamond in platinum or another common style then you might be being precious, same with the watch, i wouldn’t find it weird at all if my friend loved the watch I bought so went out and got one, I mean it’s just a watch.

Name? No one Owns a name? I mean I’d be low key gutted if my friend chose one of my fave names because that meant I wouldn’t use it, but that’s my personal choice, maybe her partner loves the name? Is it a unique name? Or quite common? Any significance to you or her?

Personally I don’t see this as too much of a big deal

My husband had it designed. Round brilliant in the middle, two pears, and a unique floral design. When she got her engagement ring she actually said to me 'it's just like yours isn't it' - she had the RB in the centre and the two pears and a floral design. The floral design was different but it was effectively the same and she also chose the same metal.

I should have provided more detail as I can see how I would seem unreasonable whinging about a fairly generic ring.

The watch was a graduation present that was customizable... and the first comment I got when her husband bought hers was 'is it the same as yours'

@TomRaider

My partner's best mate contacted us a few months ago to say they was thinking of giving their second child our child's first name. Not because they was copying but it had strong family connections for them.

They was essentially asking permission.

We told them not to be daft, were flattered they like the name we chose and it matters not one bit they wanted to give their child with the same name. It was like a huge weight had lifted from them.

We really didn't think it was a Biggie.

Just goes to show

But your partner's friend had strong family connections, my friend doesn't and she also sneered at it, and told us she thought it was a weird name when we mentioned it to her.

If it was the former and there's was a strong tie who would I be to stand in the way - get on with it

@yzed

Hi Bakeacake,

Quite apart from the name, I think you should be very careful about taking "advice" from people on a Mumsnet post. Sometimes people are kind and helpful, other times they can be harsh and vindictive. So I'd listen carefully, but always take a step back before a decision.

Re the name, you actually asked I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.
Maybe something like, "If we're still friends as they grow up, it could be very confusing ~ especially if one of them needs a telling off and the other confuses who's being told off".
Then I think maybe either send/give a name-choosing book, or suggest a get-together to think of new names.
If this friend has the MH issues you mention, then I think it'd be harsh to bin them for following what is, essentially, a natural human habit. Okay, they take it to something of an extreme, and maybe you need to reduce or slightly change the relationship. Perhaps encourage their confidence in choice-making, or help her to feel less anxious about decisions.

Good luck, and I really hope you're able to stay friends, albeit that you may need to adapt a little.
Good luck

Thanks for this lovely message yzed.

Definitely noted - I've drawn inspiration from across the board - good and bad responses they've all really helped, this is a great community .

@Sturch16

Oh my lord ive been here to the point it became actual insanity. I was getting tattooed by a lady who specialises in a certain style , she used her which I recommended which was fine, but then the second tattooist I was using she had to go to, then I got my full beck bum tattooed she got tattooed in the same shop all her beck and bum too 🙈I was getting married, she basically told her bf they were getting married coz I was. we went to the wedding show (my wedding was before hers, she got me a bridesmaid badge and every time I was enquiring with businesses, she would interrupt and say I’m getting married not her. I got married in Iceland she wanted her honeymoon there, I found a little dressmaker in New Mexico to make my all black Victorian wedding dress she wanted to use her and have a black dress. It actually got to the point where I outright told her it’s weird. The final straw was when I lost a baby, she had a termination couple months before then she turned around to me and said that she had lost twins so she understood what I was going through, when in fact it was blood clots (as seen on scan which she told me as she was going through it all) like I was going to forget she called me a c*t and blocked me I’m so glad she’s out of my life it’s actually quite scary that people even behave in that way. It’s a mental illness for sure but mental illness isn’t an excuse to be acting that way. When I lost my baby she was he’s ily pregnant at the time, and my cat was also pregnant. After i told her about the scan and no heartbeat found she turned around and said at least you can use all the baby stuff you brought on the kittens like what the actual f*k lol

Total madness!! I can't imagine how you felt with all of this - completely overwhelming.

To be completely honest a lot of the replies on here, as well as helping me write a response back, have given me some perspective on the trajectory of this relationship and have opened my eyes. I feel I've unwittingly allowed this (the ring and watch are just some examples of the copying to date) and I feel more aware now.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and stories

@ladydimitrescu

Have you responded yet op?

Yes! Responded today with a longer than average message to explain my position and got a message back with a smiley saying 'okay then' and that was it...

I said what i felt was right and tbh I wouldn't feel bad now if the relationship did cool. It's just not healthy

@Scottsy100

Single White Female territory here

Did not know what this was but wow... just read the plot (run emoji)...

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I guess there's a bigger back story because a watch, a ring and a name doesn't seem to be 'copying' everything. I mean engagement rings usually go through trends. Lots of people have similar ones. And in my world, people recommend watches to friends. I wonder if the people 'teasing' you about this friend have contributed to you seeing harmless similarities as Single White Female territory.

No, nobody teases me as we're in different friend circles / she doesn't have many friends which I always thought was odd

I’d say “I think your child should be special enough to have their own unique name, otherwise they might grow up in the shadow of my child with everyone asking about it.
It will be uncomfortable and cruel to both of them “

@PizzaCrust thanks so much for your replies. Very constructive and helpful. The two-staged response was great. Luckily i haven't had to use but I'm keeping it in the back pocket!

@blubberyboo This is what i don't get... we gave DC their name because it was special to us for a number of reasons, to have someone admit they don't like it and then try and use it just seemed odd. Especially as we're both from 2 different countries and the name is common from mine and not in hers...

You said other people said she was besotted with you and seemed obsessed with you - that's what I meant by teasing.

My mum had a personality disorder which basically meant that she had no genuine sense of her own identity. (Amongst other things.) One thing she used to do was put people on pedestals (idolize them) for various reasons. If they revamped their kitchen, she would copy it almost exactly. If they got a new washing machine, she got the same one. If they decided to decorate in all red and black, she did the same - even if it didn’t suit her house. (She was very 80’s). She was also very competitive with these same people. If my cousin had a birthday, my brother was given the same thing (or a better or more expensive version) as him the very next day - despite having expressed no interest, etc. This included a car, despite him being younger and unlicensed. Weird.