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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend copies everything... even DCs name?!

191 replies

Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 00:05

Long story short. I have a friend who, in other people’s words, is besotted with me/borderline obsessed. They’re lovely as a person but over the years I’ve seen my engagement ring copied, my watch copied, and now my DCs name...

Received a message asking if they would mind if they selected DCs name for their own DC even though when we announced DCs name they noted that they thought it was odd, sneered at it and said they weren’t a fan.

What would you do? I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.

They are seeing a health professional for underlying MH issues so I want to be sensitive but feel this is just getting too much now...

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Gilly12345 · 17/03/2022 09:51

Be honest and say yes to do mind and if she makes a fuss explain that it is odd and will be confusing and she didn’t like the name.

Distance yourself from this person this relationship doesn’t sound healthy rather ‘single white female’ similar.

Beansontoastagain · 17/03/2022 09:51

Surely she can name her child whatever she wants. I think she being thoughtful asking if you mind.

SemperIdem · 17/03/2022 10:00

I couldn’t be friends with someone like this. Overbearing and smothering people make me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious

tkwal · 17/03/2022 10:01

Maybe try suggesting that your DCs name doesn't really go with their surname ?Or just be honest and say you'd really rather they didn't use "your" name.Maybe as a middle name ? There's nothing you can really do if they decide to use it but at least you will know you tried.

SlashBeef · 17/03/2022 10:02

Its up to her what she calls her kid but I'd be calling time on the friendship either way. Why do you want to be an emotional hostage?

GlitteryGreen · 17/03/2022 10:03

I am guessing if they initially called the name odd then it's fairly uncommon?

If so then I'd just say "Thanks for asking me, I'd really prefer if you didn't use the same name as it might seem strange as it's not commonly used and with us being close friends people will likely assume you've named your child after DC."

If she still goes ahead, it's the perfect excuse to cut some contact. She sounds very intense and odd.

Sally872 · 17/03/2022 10:03

As she has asked you I would tell her you do mind. Otherwise she will be saying "but I asked and you didn't mind" if you do distance yourself or show your annoyance at the copying. She may still use it but at least she will know your opinion.

"Yes I would mind. It is flattering you like the name now, but would be a bit weird for our children to have the same name. If you want me to help you think of similar style names let me know."

Branleuse · 17/03/2022 10:05

I think id say to them that you were surprised as originally they didnt even like the name and criticised it so are surprised that even if its grown on her, that she would go from that, to wanting to use it for her own child. And didnt she think it might be a bit confusing? Then tell her that obviously you dont own the name so if shes determined to use it, then you cant stop her, and does she have any other names on her shortlist?

WetLookKnitwear · 17/03/2022 10:06

Not a friend
Not lovely either.

Who cares if an acquaintance names her baby the same? I think it’s fine to be honest and say yes I mind, I’m sure she can handle it.

Satsumaeater · 17/03/2022 10:10

@HiJenny35

I'd just let them call their child whatever they like as it makes absolutely no difference at all if both children have the same name. I can't believe people actually think it's OK to tell people what they can't call their child.
This.

However, as the OP's "friend" has asked, she could go back and say "I didn't think you liked the name, but if you've changed your opinion you could use it as a middle name to avoid confusion".

babyjellyfish · 17/03/2022 10:12

I think I would consider whether you really want to be friends with this person.

If you do, perhaps a gentle, "Your baby really deserves their own name" type comment might be a better approach.

If you don't, let them call their baby whatever they like and work on extricating them from your life.

Toocooltoboogie · 17/03/2022 10:18

Op she can call her child anything she likes. You dont own rights to a name. Sounds like you don't like her much anyway so the friendship will no doubt run its course soon anyway

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 17/03/2022 10:28

No one owns a name.

But if copycat asks if it is ok to do it, then OP should say no if it doesn’t sit with her.

Not that it’ll matter….

Justilou1 · 17/03/2022 10:30

I think you need to spell it out… let her know that people are talking about her as it is. Mention the ring and the watch, etc, and say that she sneered openly about your kid’s name initially, so no - it’s the Bridge Too Far.

SarahBellam · 17/03/2022 10:31

Just say, ‘Haha, of course you can. I don’t own the name, though if I didn’t know better I’d think you were just copying me! What other names have you got in the pot?’ then if she comes up with a few make positive noises about one or two of them.

youdoyoutoday · 17/03/2022 10:32

I'd call her out on the sneering about it when you first announced it.

Ariela · 17/03/2022 10:33

'Absolutely not, imagine the confusion! And everyone will think you are copying. But I thought you really didn't like the name anyway. '

Marvellousmadness · 17/03/2022 10:34

Nobody owns a name op.
But her behaviour sounds like you need to stop being friends with her. I would

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/03/2022 10:39

I think you are confident in your choices and she is not, so she copies you in order not to have to make a choice that she will regret. So stop being confident, when you get back to her with an answer say something along the lines of slightly regretting the choice of name and wishing you'd gone with something more mainstream/starting with a different letter/different number of syllables/easier to spell. Put the choice on her "well, it's up to you of course, but I wouldn't if I was choosing a name again". That way she will decide without you forbidding it.

You can use this method of slight regret all the time. Engagement ring - I love it for it's symbolism but I wish I'd gone for a solitaire/trilogy/colourful stone. New clothes - I'll wear it to get the value out of it but it's a pain to iron/the seams rub my skin/it's not the silhouette that I was hoping for. She'll probably find someone more confident than you to copy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/03/2022 10:47

I'd just send a message back saying that might be a touch confusing whenever you're together, as you'd need to find a way to differentiate between the 2 kids.
I might also add that it's a bit surprising that they want to use it, given their negative reaction to it when you called YOUR child that name.

But in all honesty, unless this is your only ever friend and you can't bear to lose her, I'd dump her as a friend.

GatoradeMeBitch · 17/03/2022 10:47

I would gently remind them that they didn't like it when you announced it for your child.

It sounds like they look up to you. Maybe if you can think of a few similar names they might pick one. Or if you say "I wish I'd named them Finn/Heather/Thomas/Roman/Chester and that will be the name if I have another" they will think that's the superior name and take it!

Gilead · 17/03/2022 11:03

I knew someone like this. We got to the point where I would cut labels out of my children’s clothes. When she started harassing me for their Christmas list I cut all ties.

MurmuratingStarling · 17/03/2022 11:16

@Bakeacake131 are THEY male or female? You keep saying THEY, and you haven't said he or she at any point. Is this friend male or female?

It must be much harder to keep saying they, and them, and their, and they're, than it is to just say him, her, she, or he.

Hard to advise when people are so ambiguous about someone's gender. Why do people DO this?

gamerchick · 17/03/2022 11:20

Hard to advise when people are so ambiguous about someone's gender. Why do people DO this

Because it irritates people.

WineGetsMeThroughIt · 17/03/2022 11:22

@Incognito32

Maybe message back - I thought you didn't like the name and I think it would be best if you chose something different, otherwise it's going to be very confusing. Do you need some help thinking of names?

This is exactly what I was thinking. Remind them and point out at the fact they made it known to you that they didn't even like the name at first and encourage them to choose something different