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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend copies everything... even DCs name?!

191 replies

Bakeacake131 · 17/03/2022 00:05

Long story short. I have a friend who, in other people’s words, is besotted with me/borderline obsessed. They’re lovely as a person but over the years I’ve seen my engagement ring copied, my watch copied, and now my DCs name...

Received a message asking if they would mind if they selected DCs name for their own DC even though when we announced DCs name they noted that they thought it was odd, sneered at it and said they weren’t a fan.

What would you do? I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.

They are seeing a health professional for underlying MH issues so I want to be sensitive but feel this is just getting too much now...

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Sisteragatha · 18/03/2022 18:44

This would utterly piss me off. I have a sil who is like this and it’s not just the big things, it’s a hundred tiny ways I know she has coveted something I have and has tried to replicate it. It makes you suspicious and judged and undermined and secretive and you do not need it. Bin her off.

TomRaider · 18/03/2022 18:46

My partner's best mate contacted us a few months ago to say they was thinking of giving their second child our child's first name. Not because they was copying but it had strong family connections for them.

They was essentially asking permission.

We told them not to be daft, were flattered they like the name we chose and it matters not one bit they wanted to give their child with the same name. It was like a huge weight had lifted from them.

We really didn't think it was a Biggie.

Just goes to show

Sisteragatha · 18/03/2022 18:46

Imitating someone is a form of flattery

And people say this all the time to me but it’s that every choice I make is ridiculed and then taken over as her idea or identity. We all influence our friends of course we do, with band choices, clothes, but it’s a natural and organic process. Someone just getting the exact same thing as you is not organic or natural and is in fact creepy and disconcerting.

Insanelysilver · 18/03/2022 18:50

I’d say
Im surprised as you said you thought the name was weird etc but anyway if you’re asking if I mind then to be honest, I’d rather you didn’t use jt.
Hopefully that’ll put her off if she’s worried about what you think.

Theunamedcat · 18/03/2022 18:54

@whysoserious123

Thing is you don't own the name. Imitating someone is a form of flattery
Really isn't my exes stepbrother copied our sons name just switched his first and middle around so his stepbrother son is named after his stepmothers ex fil and my grandad.....I mean it makes zero sense with all the names in the world to choose those two specifically

Ex fils face was a picture when it was pointed out to him his grandchild named after his wife's first husbands dad 🤷‍♀️

Hmm1234 · 18/03/2022 18:54

Creepy normally impersonators don’t have the guts to ask first though. If she’s got a partner I’d ask him what’s up with her

Bleachmycloths · 18/03/2022 18:55

Say something on the lines of ‘Your call. Do what you want. Why ask me?’
Maybe not as harsh as that. They sound extremely tiresome.

mumpants · 18/03/2022 19:02

Reply: Hi thanks for checking with me. Yep to be honest I would prefer it if you chose a different name. Thanks xxx

Thehop · 18/03/2022 19:04

“Actually Stacey, for all that I don’t own the name, I am super attached to it and would actually be upset if you used it. Plus, your lovely baby deserves a name that’s all theirs don’t they? We liked x,y and z when we were having him. Do you like any of those?”

yzed · 18/03/2022 19:05

Hi Bakeacake,

Quite apart from the name, I think you should be very careful about taking "advice" from people on a Mumsnet post. Sometimes people are kind and helpful, other times they can be harsh and vindictive. So I'd listen carefully, but always take a step back before a decision.

Re the name, you actually asked I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.
Maybe something like, "If we're still friends as they grow up, it could be very confusing ~ especially if one of them needs a telling off and the other confuses who's being told off".
Then I think maybe either send/give a name-choosing book, or suggest a get-together to think of new names.
If this friend has the MH issues you mention, then I think it'd be harsh to bin them for following what is, essentially, a natural human habit. Okay, they take it to something of an extreme, and maybe you need to reduce or slightly change the relationship. Perhaps encourage their confidence in choice-making, or help her to feel less anxious about decisions.

Good luck, and I really hope you're able to stay friends, albeit that you may need to adapt a little.
Good luck

Mandyjack · 18/03/2022 19:14

Remind her that she rudely sneered at your name choice so state you are surprised she now wants to use the name. It's definitely not normal to copy someone so much so maybe you need to distance yourself from her

PizzaCrust · 18/03/2022 19:14

There’s two sides to the “no one owns a name” scenario. It’s one thing if it’s a random co-worker from a job you had 10 years ago (in which case it’s more than likely not copied, or at least it doesn’t matter anyway because you won’t see them), but it’s another when it’s someone you’re going to spend a lot of time with.

I was the first one in my group of friends to have a child, but I hadn’t been, and my two DDs’ names had already been picked, I would have picked something else. I would also be annoyed if friends chose the same names as I did as there are literally thousands of names, so I find it hard to believe someone couldn’t find another single name they equally liked (obviously if it was a family name it would be different, perhaps still annoying but you’d understand and get over it).

OP, I think you’ve been more than generous over the years, but unfortunately I think you do need to put your foot down this time. She will still likely copy the child’s name and everything else you do, but at least if you take a step away the child being called x won’t matter to you as much on the day to day.

I’d probably reply to her message with something along the lines of

“Hi x. I’ve had a bit of a think about what you’ve asked me and I’ve came to the conclusion that it’s better to just be upfront and honest. I would absolutely mind if you used x’s name. It’s a name that my partner and I chose together which has significant meaning to us, and if I remember correctly, you didn’t even like the name when we told you. It would be odd to use it considering the closeness of our friendship and I’m sure there are many other names which you would like more”

If she tried to convince you she had always liked the name etc then I’d respond with something harder hitting, ie

“Okay, I appreciate that you now want to use the name but unfortunately if you do then I will have to take a step back from the friendship. This isn’t the first time you have taken something of mine and copied it pretty much exactly; the engagement ring, etc etc etc. I haven’t said anything before as honestly, those things didn’t matter as much to me and I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, but the name is a step too far in terms of what I’m willing to accept. At the end of the day, the decision is yours to make but you know exactly where I stand on this, and I won’t be swayed or talked down”.

If she insists on the name, I’d walk away. If she wises up, I’d keep her at arms length until I feel she has changed. If she doesn’t change, then the friendship is dead in the water.

Taking inspiration from a friend is one thing, but copying every single thing they do is weird and regardless of any MH condition, it’s not a nice experience for you to have to contend with. You’ve been very kind but enough is enough.

Mandyjack · 18/03/2022 19:15

Maybe you need to make her aware of how hurtful it was. If nobody tells her she'll never learn what's appropriate

TheEarthIsNotFlat · 18/03/2022 19:19

You can stop the name thing so you’ll have to let that one go. Someone I know actually changed her surname to mine, now that was odd. However, if all the things are creeping you out then now may be the time to back away.

PizzaCrust · 18/03/2022 19:22

@yzed

Hi Bakeacake,

Quite apart from the name, I think you should be very careful about taking "advice" from people on a Mumsnet post. Sometimes people are kind and helpful, other times they can be harsh and vindictive. So I'd listen carefully, but always take a step back before a decision.

Re the name, you actually asked I want to say I think it’s too much and they should probably find another name that’s their name, but I’m not sure how to phrase it.
Maybe something like, "If we're still friends as they grow up, it could be very confusing ~ especially if one of them needs a telling off and the other confuses who's being told off".
Then I think maybe either send/give a name-choosing book, or suggest a get-together to think of new names.
If this friend has the MH issues you mention, then I think it'd be harsh to bin them for following what is, essentially, a natural human habit. Okay, they take it to something of an extreme, and maybe you need to reduce or slightly change the relationship. Perhaps encourage their confidence in choice-making, or help her to feel less anxious about decisions.

Good luck, and I really hope you're able to stay friends, albeit that you may need to adapt a little.
Good luck

I’m not saying your advice isn’t valid, it is very kind actually, but I do feel like it’s putting a lot of the onus of her friends “problems” on the OP as her problems to solve. When in reality she has a child and more than likely has a busy work/life/schedule and would prefer to just be friends with someone rather than taking time out of her day to essentially teach her friend how to behave properly.

There definitely is a boundary of what someone can personally take in terms of supporting others. I would be worried that this friendship will just turn into a complete drain on OPs happiness and generosity as, as harsh as it sounds, it doesn’t sound like this friend gives a whole lot to the OP other than annoying her with copying her every move. It seems to be very give-give from OP and take-take from the “friend”.

Those friendships are draining enough when you’re young, single and have time on your cards. They can be really quite destructive when you add work commitments, children and general adult stresses of life into the mix, too.

I am not saying OP shouldn’t try to support her friend, but I’d find it unlikely OP hasn’t not supported her up to this point. I think it’s all getting too much, as illustrated by this thread, and OP should be able to step away without feeling guilt.

Painiscrap · 18/03/2022 19:23

I would just say that - it is up to you what you call your child, but as you have asked, I would prefer you to chose a different name!

sherbertdib · 18/03/2022 19:24

Id say

Hi Friend. Flattered that you want to copy my baby name but to be honest, I'll find it quite hard to have such a close friend name their child after mine, so if you have another choice go with that. Otherwise it's too confusing for the kids and us.

TheBigPeach · 18/03/2022 19:27

Sneering is jealousy.

Missingpop · 18/03/2022 19:35

It’s ok copying a watch it pair of earrings but your kiddies name that down right creepy, ok she’s go MH issues but surely she’s capable of thinking of a name for her own brat; sorry but be blunt say I’m flattered that you copy everything I do but you need to give your child it’s own identity x

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 18/03/2022 19:40

I’d probably pretend I thought she was joking! And say something like, “haha. could you imagine how weird that would be!!? So, what are you actually going to call dc?”

ladydimitrescu · 18/03/2022 19:41

Have you responded yet op?

Firstworldproblemz · 18/03/2022 19:52

YABU. Nothing is original. Someone else had your ring, your kids name, your haircut or whatever before you did. I see mums on the school run with a similar version of the same car, the same coat, the same trainers -clones everywhere. 5 Harry’s, 4 Ella’s… so what?? It sounds like maybe you just don’t really like her in which case that’s your problem. If you do like her and she has underlying mental health problems then she needs people to be kind and supportive to her, not go on a forum for a moan, getting hoards of people to gang up on her for being toxic or to sack her off. I’m in a minority here and that worries me.

Bimblybomeyelash · 18/03/2022 20:06

I’d message that you would rather she didn’t , but had she considered these other lovely names …… and then give some names that have your seal of approval.

DoWhatYouLike · 18/03/2022 20:10

I'd tell them that they didn't seem to like the name when you chose it.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 18/03/2022 20:11

I’d let her use it, then back away and never see her again so it’s no longer an issue.

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