Is this something that has developed since you got married? I would LTB, to be honest. What are you getting from the relationship?

Honestly? You need toncinsider giving him the shape up or ship out ultimatum. You're not his mother or his carer, it is not your responsibility to manage his personal hygiene and you shouldn't have to live like this. I know its hard when DC are involved but think of the example this is setting to them.

I can hear that your have tried to tackle the hygiene but have you tackled the possible mental health issues? And possible Neurodivergence?

He probably needs an ultimatum rather than constant prompts to kick him into gear. Like if you don't speak to your GP about getting an autism or ADD assessment then we can't be together.

Blimey, I'm not squeamish at all but reading that made me feel a bit sick.

Why are you still married to him? I just couldn't.

Is this a new thing? What attracted you to him if he has always been like this?

Oh dear , this is really awful, and sad. You are not in a proper relationship of equals at the moment. Your standards are high ( I only clean my teeth for 30 seconds) and his are in the pits. This conflict is not good for anyone in your family and you are not his mother.
I would give him an ultimatum and be prepared to split up.

He can still be a loving father to the girls but they will have a clean stable home with you. You might find someone else and be happy . You are too young to settle for this. Things will only get worse as he ages.

Car wash with the windows open?

I thought mine was bad wearing clothes with food spilt on it!
This made me feel ill too and I am no clean freak. I definitely think there are mental health issues here.

Presumably he wasn’t always like this, or you wouldn’t have married him?

You can’t stay married to him like this - it’s only going to get worse, and it’s a terrible example to your daughters. It’s also allowing yourself to be treated with contempt.

He is treating you and his children (who are going to be incredibly embarrassed by him as they get older) with contempt. There might well be MH or learning issues in there, but he gets no slack for that if there’s no willingness to improve.

I think you need to tell him that this can’t go on - what support does he need to improve or does he want to separate? If he responds to this at all, book an appointment with the GP for ADD assessment - you can get some free support (like a couple hours health coaching) for conditions like this.

He’ll likely ignore this, so organise plans to separate - pull all your financials and get a plan in place.

Then give him a final ultimatum.

And then leave.

Depression? One of the signs of depression can be a lack of personal care. Would he see GP?

Grim the fact his hands stink is awful, I couldn't be with him, he sounds like he's not wanting to make steps moving forward.

I think you should have started with the special needs school background. Everything else needs to be in the context of this and the parenting he experienced.

Book a GP appointment for an ASD assessment. Print out some info on traits and discuss it with him. Does he think he had ASD?

It sounds like poor hygiene is normalised for him. It will take a big effort to change his mindset over this if he does have ASD black and white thinking. You will need to take a pragmatic approach ie toothbrushing to prevent tooth loss rather than just because it's socially unacceptable to other people. If he does have ASD social norms won't register with him.

My dad was like this. Stank, grubby clothes etc… For as long as I can remember back I was embarrassed by him and would beg my mum to keep him out of sight if I had friends over to play etc. My parents also slept in separate bedrooms and were not physically affectionate with each other, probably for similar reasons initially but it really confused me growing up whether my parents were a couple or not (and I still don’t know!) dDont allow your children to grow up thinking this is normal.

So, was he like this when you got married or has it got steadily worse?

And has he always wfh or did he go into work before? Has it got worse since lockdown? How does he cope with work?

Do the children try to avoid him?

I would guess at ASD as well as possible ADD from all you've said so please don't listen to people who try to make out he is terrible, it's likely he just experiences things very differently. I doubt he is in anyway whatsoever trying to disrespect you.

It is extremely common for people with ASD to find the smell/taste/feel of things really horrible. For example my ds cannot stand the feel of shower water falling on him, normal adult tooth paste burns his mouth, the smell of some soaps gives him a headache.

It is also often very difficult for people with ASD to put themselves in others shoes and appreciate where they are coming from. It is very common for them to not be bothered about BO because it doesn't bother them. There's also not the desire to fit in to what society suggests tell us we should do and be - they are often the least shallow and least judgey on appearance people you will ever meet - personally I think there is a lot we could learn from that.

Showering every day really isn't necessary, and uses a lot of resources both water and electricity/gas, clothes can often be worn more than once without washing - again washing clothes (apart from underwear/socks) every day is really environmentally unfriendly. Not to mention all the soap/shampoo/washing liquid chemicals that are used.

I think you need to talk to him about it, you have to accept these things are not important to him and there may be reasons he doesn't like them. You might be able to work together on some things though and get him into routines that work for you both.

Here's what I'd do. Do you have a bath? He may be more comfortable in a bath - it's really not necessary to have one every day though. Can you get him some Trust deodorant or one of the others that lasts for several days? You put in on once (although Trust is not the easiest application as you have to use your finger to put it on and he might not like that) but it really works for a few days. I would also recommend a children's tooth paste such as sensodyne, it doesn't have that really strong minty taste.

You might need to take over some of his personal grooming a little, I shave my OH's head and do his eye brows - could you get a trimmer and do his ears and nose? Would he let you? Does he have nail clippers to do his nails or scissors? He might find his nails quite hard to do or not like doing them but might be willing to let you if you're happy to.

I'd imagine that life is quite a struggle for him and he is going to need to be with someone pretty understanding that is able to get where he's coming from and that might be too much to ask of you, just be gentle if you decide you have to call it a day.

The advice about ADD, ADLSD, etc is all well and good but, OP, you are not obliged to 'fix' him (not that neurodivergence needs 'fixing', I mean fix in terms of making him into husband you need/deserve). It is not your responsibility to take charge of his hygiene routine, take charge of his grooming, or help him to see that this is not an acceptable way to live and you should not feel like you have to put up with it because he is somehow helpless.

If he has a neurodevelopment condition or a mental illness but is unwilling to seek assessment and support then there isn't anything more you can do, he has to want to get help and from the sounds of your OP he doesn't want help, he doesn't want to seek assessment, and this has been going on for years - you've been sleeping apart and haven't been intimate for at least three years?

It is highly unlikely that he's going to change now if sleeping apart and no sex wasn't enough to prompt him to reevaluate his habits. It appears he is quite content with how things are. At this point I think you need to take him and his choices out of the equation, what do you want, how do you want to live, and what future do you want for yourself?

ADLSD should say ASD, typo + autocorrect

Not wanting to be clean can be a sign of depression. Is there any chance of it ?
If not I wouldn’t live with someone like that, and your kids shouldn’t have to see it.

I'd be telling him to go to the GP to seek mental health support. And that if in three months time he can't demonstrate he is making a concerted effort to improve matters then you're done.

At what point did he stop washing because he wasn't always like this ,was he? What happens if you run him a bath and say to him he needs to go and wash because he smells? I think you need to be very direct with him.

I'd be telling him to go to the GP to seek mental health support. And that if in three months time he can't demonstrate he is making a concerted effort to improve matters then you're done.

This.

DH has had sturggles with depression and anxiety his entire life, most of the time he is on an even keel but now and again he will dip. We are in agreement that if he dips and does not seek help (e.g., sessions with his therapist, medication review with the GP, self-care measures, etc) then he can't continue living here because it isn't fair on me or the DC. I will support him through it, I have done for years, but I'm not here to fight it for him or to carry him, he has to help himself too.

Either he gets help for whatever his problem is or you go. His room must stink. I feel very sorry for his colleagues too.

He's not a child and he's not your child, you don't need to "fix" him. You can live better than this.

I agree that you need to be cruel to be kind here.

Oooof. This is gross.

I agree it's time for being a bit cruel to be kind.

Absolutely grim.

He’s not going to change is he. I think the whole relationship is dead.