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AIBU?

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PIL...To Think Theres No Way Back From This

142 replies

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:13

Name change to be less identifiable.

PIL have a small holiday home in a European country. They stay in it twice a year for a few weeks and its empty the rest of the year. They have no thoughts of retiring to it as they have a large house in the UK that they prefer. DH and I have stayed in it once about 10 years ago, of course we offered payment but PIL were happy a contribution for utilities. DH's other two siblings have stayed in it a few times too with some of their children, but again not all that often, albeit it more than us.

DH and I are thinking about buying a very small apartment in the same area and DH contacted PIL to ask if he could stay in it again for 10-11 days. MIL was initially enthusiastic, particularly as it sitting empty and this would mean it got checked on. She also told DH they were thinking about selling it in the future as they had lost interest in it and now preferred holidays to more exciting parts of the world rather than staying in the same place. We made plans and then she changed her mind, telling DH that she was worried that I was going to use it as a base for several months for wfh.

Where she got this idea from, I don't know. I can't wfh from overseas anyway and she knows this, and it was just such a bizarre idea that I decided to email her to reassure her that we just wanted a holiday and to look at properties around the area for sale and would maybe consider purchasing theirs but not to worry if it wasn't convenient/ready, we would just get an Air Bnb instead. No reply. She generally always replies, although I don't email her frequently, so it seems clear that this is a big issue and I've caused offence.

I'm horribly embarrassed that she thinks I'm some kind of freebie-hunter. I already have fairly low contact with PIL because they have form for being rude to me - when I was a teacher, FIL said I was "unemployed" during the school holidays and asked me if I was getting a job. When I mentioned the name of the school I attended, he asked me if it was "one of those failing schools" - its a private girls' school in London. Many similar examples. I'm from London, and PIL are from a regional city and I think their noses are a little out of joint that I come from a slightly wealthier background, hence the (not humorously said) put downs.

It would have been useful to have chatted with them about some information about the process of buying and paying property taxes in that country, but apart from that, I don't feel that I can even keep my low contact with them. What would I say at a family meal if the subject came up about our most recent holiday? They're not people you can crack a joke with. Everything is deathly serious.

PIL are in good health, definitely aren't going on holiday themselves at the same time and its not up for sale yet. We were pretty fluid with our dates when we discussed this give or take a 2 month period. Am I being unreasonable to think theres only so much dislike/negative comments towards me I can take? I think I'll never see them again now. I just wouldn't know what to say. DH asked them after my email whether they were saying it wasn't available, and they haven't even given DH an answer and seem to be ignoring him now as well, which they tend to do until an event such as a birthday comes up.

I've booked an Air BnB apartment for 2 weeks 20 miles from their holiday property so we will enjoy our holiday anyway. Its a common holiday destination so its not odd that we would want to go on holiday there.

OP posts:
Xpologog · 16/03/2022 09:33

Just a thought —— could they be worried about you and DH having a holiday property close to them and meeting people they know? Lots of people tend to reinvent themselves abroad.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 16/03/2022 09:45

They sound awful, take this as an opportunity to distance yourself as much as possible.

I wish people wouldn’t jump to the early onset dementia as an explanation for people who have been arseholes their whole lives behaving like arseholes when they pass the age of 60. I have the miserable luck of having a parent with early onset dementia and it is nothing like this.

SucculentChalice · 16/03/2022 12:45

@MsTSwift

She basically has you down as a gold digging house stealer (no doubt read about in the daily Mail) which in the circumstances is laughable but also insulting and hurtful. Your only option to step away as frankly don’t think anything you do can change their perception.
They do! My two decades long masterplan to ensnare a man earning less than me with no family money has clearly been successful! Imagine what I might do if I'm let loose in France within 100 miles of their second home! Grin

On a serious note, I don't think anything I could do or say would change this. While I do actually like MIL and find her good company, I have often thought that the two of them together have developed a bit of an unrealistic image about how wealthy they are, a bit of a folie des deux/folie de grandeur if you like, and they don't really have enough people around them to bring them back to reality as FIL hasn't worked for a long time. Its also a generational thing.

I think I offended them by scrimping and saving for years to some extent while having a good professional job, while they were "more successful" in their eyes while having less good jobs. Ergo, there must be something wrong with me. But thats just how life has changed with regards to house prices, jobs, etc since they were younger, and its just savvy financial planning for a future without the generous pension schemes of the past. Short term pain, long term gain.

But this is it for me. Its one straw too many. Its a horrible feeling to have people thinking that about you.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 16/03/2022 13:02

* he was told it was off and all these reasons in my OP given*

And when your Inlaws have been “breathtakingly rude” to you in the past and “really hurt” you

How has your DH responded?

SucculentChalice · 16/03/2022 13:09

@implantreplace

* he was told it was off and all these reasons in my OP given*

And when your Inlaws have been “breathtakingly rude” to you in the past and “really hurt” you

How has your DH responded?

So many instances (and many insidious) its difficult to generalise.

The either tended to do it when he wasn't there (e.g. out of the room/house) or do it as sort of not-very funny joke. But he does not speak out when they are there. Only once has he spoken out in my support but its so quickly forgotten about as that is clearly their family dynamic - they are right, they are the important ones, everyone else is inferior. Its as if he is conditioned to think it normal. Its almost like a cultural difference.

DH can also be rude. I think PILs would say I'm rude but I think thats being manipulative as for years I've bitten my tongue and said nothing or very little back in the knowledge that I don't have to see them that often. PILs almost certainly don't think they are rude at all, because they have a very high opinion of themselves.

I'm also pretty sure its not me because other people who know PIL have actually warned me that they can be a bit selfish/rude. This happened to me at a family wedding once and on another occasion too. I don't want to go into this in more detail on a public forum.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 16/03/2022 13:13

The fact it doesn’t take place when your dh is not around shouldn’t be an issue
He should take your word for it
But if, as your say, your DH is rude too
Perhaps fact you have been incredibly hurt by them in the past is not something that would register with him anyway
It doesn’t sound a happy family dynamic op

falloutcheer · 21/04/2022 17:26

On this thread you are married and have been for 10 years

On another that you posted on today… you talk about your concerns about being filmed having sex with your ex. 1 year ago.

Perhaps fact you are cheating on their son has something to do with your inlaws reluctance?

tomatoandherbs · 22/04/2022 10:04

falloutcheer · 21/04/2022 17:26

On this thread you are married and have been for 10 years

On another that you posted on today… you talk about your concerns about being filmed having sex with your ex. 1 year ago.

Perhaps fact you are cheating on their son has something to do with your inlaws reluctance?

You’re kidding me?!

op - what the heck?

i was quite invested in this thread. What a waste of time 🙄

PlayGIBluff · 22/04/2022 10:33

@falloutcheer also started the thread about park run where she is in a long distance relationship with a partner not DH!

tomatoandherbs · 22/04/2022 10:36

So it was all nonsense? I just found the other thread the PP mentioned. A year ago apparently the OP was filmed having ex with her ex. And yet on here….

She got so angry and pissed off when posters on this thread probed her

how small your life must be to dedicate yourself to starting and then becoming indignant when questioned on an entirely fictional thread. Baffling.

ncwithme · 22/04/2022 14:46

Well that was an unexpected ending to a thread

Redwinemaestro · 22/04/2022 15:09

Cyw2018 · 15/03/2022 10:54

YU both BU for owning/buying second homes and decimating communities. They leave their house standing empty for around 44 weeks of the year, I hope you will behave better, and either rethink your plan or run the property you plan to purchase as a proper holiday let business, managed and maintained by locals and kept occupied for the majority of the year.

Oh what a stupid comment! People work hard, make money, and buy second or third homes!

The same idiots who protest against new housing developments and nuclear power plants are the ones who cry about lack of housing and rising energy bills!

People who have resources will invest them.

tomatoandherbs · 22/04/2022 16:00

ncwithme · 22/04/2022 14:46

Well that was an unexpected ending to a thread

I have read it
and the OP comes across as way to defensive to questioning
what an odd odd person this Op must be in RL! Just had a nose at the other threads she has started… quite an imagination she has!!

PlayGIBluff · 22/04/2022 16:13

@tomatoandherbs she has a great way of writing! All seemingly plausible yet interesting scenarios - especially the park run one.

as you said very odd altogether!

tomatoandherbs · 22/04/2022 16:16

Thinking I might report
she has set up other threads that are pure fiction

Dancer47 · 22/04/2022 16:22

I think OP might be a fiction writer testing out her ideas on this audience.

FictionalCharacter · 27/04/2022 17:37

They are deeply weird and unpleasant. I’d have as little contact with them as possible.

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 06:15

@FictionalCharacter

According to the OP’s many other threads, she’s having an affair (well sex with her ex last year and worried she was filmed) and… well read the park run thread she started!

so it looks like this thread was a figment of the imagination of a lonely and somewhat peculiar albeit with a vivid imagination poster!

roundtable · 28/04/2022 06:32

falloutcheer · 21/04/2022 17:26

On this thread you are married and have been for 10 years

On another that you posted on today… you talk about your concerns about being filmed having sex with your ex. 1 year ago.

Perhaps fact you are cheating on their son has something to do with your inlaws reluctance?

Well spotted.

How shit life must be to spend time making up fantasies about your life over and over.

TokyoTen · 28/04/2022 06:41

I wonder if they have private information or something there and they suddenly remembered it. Then came up with a quick crap excuse to stop you using the property. No reason to feel embarrassed though. Just be careful not to over share with them in future.

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 28/04/2022 06:58

It's totally different problems and dynamics for me but as someone who has absolutely vile in-laws who've always hated me and always treated DH like he doesn't matter and a DH who just refuses to see it I can tell you you won't win trying to resolve it in any way OP and it's probably not worth your marriage trying to. Communicate as little as you can with them, be polite to them but don't lift a finger for them either or communicate any more than you have to. Just live your life. You don't need them and they'll be the sorry ones eventually especially if you ever have kids x

GettinPiggyWithIt · 28/04/2022 07:11

I dumped my inlaws three years ago because they are negative snidey bitchy selfish and mean in every way. They are completely unsupportive and have been horrible to my autistic son on more than one occasion and have also accused me
of stuff

i dont have to engage with them so I dont

when my husband visits then I order a pizza and watch a movie or go shopping - I treat it as a day off

you need to do that. and of your husband doesn’t like it he can tackle them about it

tomatoandherbs · 28/04/2022 07:32

Last few posters…

the op made it all up

GettinPiggyWithIt · 28/04/2022 07:56

Haha OP, what a saddo!

Why?
its not even entertaining

😂

StScholastica · 28/04/2022 08:05

Oh FGS, I RTFL, how ridiculous.
Thank you @falloutcheer

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