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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PIL...To Think Theres No Way Back From This

142 replies

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:13

Name change to be less identifiable.

PIL have a small holiday home in a European country. They stay in it twice a year for a few weeks and its empty the rest of the year. They have no thoughts of retiring to it as they have a large house in the UK that they prefer. DH and I have stayed in it once about 10 years ago, of course we offered payment but PIL were happy a contribution for utilities. DH's other two siblings have stayed in it a few times too with some of their children, but again not all that often, albeit it more than us.

DH and I are thinking about buying a very small apartment in the same area and DH contacted PIL to ask if he could stay in it again for 10-11 days. MIL was initially enthusiastic, particularly as it sitting empty and this would mean it got checked on. She also told DH they were thinking about selling it in the future as they had lost interest in it and now preferred holidays to more exciting parts of the world rather than staying in the same place. We made plans and then she changed her mind, telling DH that she was worried that I was going to use it as a base for several months for wfh.

Where she got this idea from, I don't know. I can't wfh from overseas anyway and she knows this, and it was just such a bizarre idea that I decided to email her to reassure her that we just wanted a holiday and to look at properties around the area for sale and would maybe consider purchasing theirs but not to worry if it wasn't convenient/ready, we would just get an Air Bnb instead. No reply. She generally always replies, although I don't email her frequently, so it seems clear that this is a big issue and I've caused offence.

I'm horribly embarrassed that she thinks I'm some kind of freebie-hunter. I already have fairly low contact with PIL because they have form for being rude to me - when I was a teacher, FIL said I was "unemployed" during the school holidays and asked me if I was getting a job. When I mentioned the name of the school I attended, he asked me if it was "one of those failing schools" - its a private girls' school in London. Many similar examples. I'm from London, and PIL are from a regional city and I think their noses are a little out of joint that I come from a slightly wealthier background, hence the (not humorously said) put downs.

It would have been useful to have chatted with them about some information about the process of buying and paying property taxes in that country, but apart from that, I don't feel that I can even keep my low contact with them. What would I say at a family meal if the subject came up about our most recent holiday? They're not people you can crack a joke with. Everything is deathly serious.

PIL are in good health, definitely aren't going on holiday themselves at the same time and its not up for sale yet. We were pretty fluid with our dates when we discussed this give or take a 2 month period. Am I being unreasonable to think theres only so much dislike/negative comments towards me I can take? I think I'll never see them again now. I just wouldn't know what to say. DH asked them after my email whether they were saying it wasn't available, and they haven't even given DH an answer and seem to be ignoring him now as well, which they tend to do until an event such as a birthday comes up.

I've booked an Air BnB apartment for 2 weeks 20 miles from their holiday property so we will enjoy our holiday anyway. Its a common holiday destination so its not odd that we would want to go on holiday there.

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/03/2022 11:07

You need to put this in the "my husbands parents are barmy" box and put a tight lid on it.
Never mention it, or any of your future plans to them again.
Until the day arrives that they have sold theirs and ask to stay in your holiday home. Only then, get the box out and remove the lid!

DameHelena · 15/03/2022 11:12

They're a pair of twats. Fuck em. Enjoy your holiday.

mistermagpie · 15/03/2022 11:15

What an odd situation, I don't think you need to be embarrassed, they are being really weird.

My in-laws have a holiday apartment in another country, the go to it quite a lot as do other members of the family. They are quite easy going about it. We've been a couple of times but it's not in an area that interests me at all, so they actually give us gentle hassle sometimes for NOT using it for a free holiday now and again. This all seems quite normal to me.

Your in-laws sound unpleasant generally snd on this issue they are being very odd. I'd just forget about discussing your holiday/house purchase plans with them and leave them to it.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 11:22

What was your DH reaction to their rudeness?

And what relationship do you have with his siblings? That doesn't appear that close either?

MeridianB · 15/03/2022 11:24

I’d avoid them like the plague! They are regularly rude to you and now this weirdness. Step right back and tell them as little as possible about your plans.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 11:28

@Nanny0gg

What was your DH reaction to their rudeness?

And what relationship do you have with his siblings? That doesn't appear that close either?

I think he's been brought up with it and can't see quite how rude they are. He's also been brought up not to question them, etc.....

Very little relationship with the siblings. Cordial with the pleasant sibling and her husband, not particularly friendly but not at war with the other and her rude husband.

Honestly can't be bothered with any of them. We are all very different people with nothing in common except a link by marriage.

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 15/03/2022 11:29

I do think their behaviour is strange, but why did you email your mil instead of ringing her to explain. Things can be misconstrued when written.

caringcarer · 15/03/2022 11:31

A teacher unemployed during summer. Never heard that one before. They sound unhinged. I would block, never visit, no cards or gifts, DH could suit himself but I would not be going or taking children.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 11:32

@mistermagpie

What an odd situation, I don't think you need to be embarrassed, they are being really weird.

My in-laws have a holiday apartment in another country, the go to it quite a lot as do other members of the family. They are quite easy going about it. We've been a couple of times but it's not in an area that interests me at all, so they actually give us gentle hassle sometimes for NOT using it for a free holiday now and again. This all seems quite normal to me.

Your in-laws sound unpleasant generally snd on this issue they are being very odd. I'd just forget about discussing your holiday/house purchase plans with them and leave them to it.

Being generous here, PIL could be finding it odd that we were suddenly interested in staying in the holiday home. But we could have explained to them its because its in a very affordable part of Europe, more affordable than most areas, and we only realised the benefits of this recently. As you do as you get older and begin to think about maybe retiring to another part of the world.

But no, its this weird almost paranoid suspicion about my "motives" again. I really have had enough of it. I was already low contact but I agree with almost everyone on here. No contact in future. If my parents were still alive, they would be horrified at this.

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 11:32

@Mamamia7962

I do think their behaviour is strange, but why did you email your mil instead of ringing her to explain. Things can be misconstrued when written.
Thats her preferred method of communication with all her family members.
OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 15/03/2022 11:37

With my amateur psychologist hat on here I would say that they feel inferior to you and having a holiday home they let you use mitigated this for them.
Now you are thinking about getting one they will have nothing to have over you so they don’t like it
I find with difficult in laws or people in general the best way to go is only answer direct questions and if they are overtly rude get them to repeat what they said - most people won’t

Subbaxeo · 15/03/2022 11:44

With bonkers comments like theirs, I would laugh them off. Who on earth would take it seriously if someone suggested you’re unemployed during the school holidays. Are you sure they don’t feel intimidated by you? You mention a few times how much better off your family are and how little you have in common-maybe they pick up on it? But it’s really not worth a massive level of resentment to not speak to them. Just book an Airbnb and enjoy the search to find your home.

Eddielizzard · 15/03/2022 11:48

I think jealousy and envy, mixed with a big dose of low self esteem and grabbiness.

I would be careful of buying their property. They'll always view it as theirs. In their mind they'll have given you a good deal and so feel you're indebted to them, while in reality it probably won't be a good deal. Best off out of any dealings with them. Let your DH handle them.

Satsumaeater · 15/03/2022 11:52

I don't think there's any way back OP. And even if you did want to stay there to WFH for a while - so what, if you paid your way?

However, a barmy MIL does not equal early onset dementia! People can be rude and stupid without having dementia. Early onset dementia is incredibly rare.

You could put a further spoke in the works by suggesting they offer their holiday home for refugees (depending on whether the country concerned is taking Ukrainian refugees).

Satsumaeater · 15/03/2022 11:52

(ah just seen it's Europe, so it will be)

rookiemere · 15/03/2022 11:55

Actually you've had a really helpful early warning.

I wouldn't touch buying their property with a ten foot barge pole.

JodieFoster1 · 15/03/2022 11:59

I wouldn’t bother with them anymore. Don’t have any dealings and especially don’t buy their holiday house. You sound very able, you don’t need anything from them. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, just drop them. Life’s too short for horrible people. They clearly have a chip on their shoulder. Not your problem. Have a great holiday.

ChiswickFlo · 15/03/2022 12:00

@SucculentChalice

elfycat I wonder if you have a similar dynamic. You are not, in their heads, allowed to live a fantastic life. The belittling, the sulk-ignore until they want to get in contact... sounds familiar. Have they pigeon-holed you and you are inconveniently not fitting in with that?

DH and I worked very hard in our twenties and thirties, doing up and selling cheap properties alongside our full time jobs. We did things like buy some second hand furniture, run old but servicable cars, didn't buy on credit, had cheap holidays, etc. We are now mortgage free in our late forties, hence we can afford a small place abroad. So despite having university degrees and good jobs, we could have given the impression of being quite poorly off, when in reality we were just being careful and working hard. Added to that, my family are fairly wealthy compared to theirs but they do tend to fall into the mumsnet cliche of dressing in scruffy clothes and driving old cars around their...well you get it. I don't think they really "get" me and they have quite rigid views?

They have been breathtakingly rude to me on a number of occassions though, in ways which have really hurt me and stuck in my mind, whilst being kind and good company on the few occasions I spend time with them.

But thats pretty standard for many people really

Really looking forward to my holiday now and its far better to be independent of them. I should never have thought about staying in their place, but it was DH's idea to ask them.

OK What was your dhs reaction to this breathtaking rudeness towards his wife?
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 12:01

@Eddielizzard

I think jealousy and envy, mixed with a big dose of low self esteem and grabbiness.

I would be careful of buying their property. They'll always view it as theirs. In their mind they'll have given you a good deal and so feel you're indebted to them, while in reality it probably won't be a good deal. Best off out of any dealings with them. Let your DH handle them.

No, I'm definitely not going to buy it! It was just a fleeting idea, borne out of the original conversation DH had with MIL when she told him they were thinking of selling it. Its in the right area and is a nice house so it could have been a good option for both of us. But obviously with PIL being as they are, it would simply have resulted in resentment that we would be trying to get it cheap (we wouldn't; we both know that its more likely PILs would have tried to get us to pay more than its worth) and then them changing their minds halfway through any sale.

A really bad idea which fortunately never got to the stage of being fully thought through.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 15/03/2022 12:02

Maybe your dh will start to open his eyes now. My mil kept away from us when we had a dc and she realised dh wasn't prepared to be at her beck and call anymore. They had a fraught relationship and he discovered his balls when he met me. She couldn't take that. She slated us -mainly me - to everyone... Even though it was her who denied her dgc and us in time. Been nc for over 7 years. Dh said he felt a huge weight lifted. Sadly his df stood with her. Dh was sad about that. But no regrets.

minniesdragg · 15/03/2022 12:03

God they sound awful ! And unhinged. As far as you can, don't take any notice. Shame how awful in laws always seem to have greater longevity than the lovely ones like your parents, and incidents like this just make you miss them more.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 12:05

minniesdrag Flowers Sad

OP posts:
ChiswickFlo · 15/03/2022 12:05

....And your dh?

How does he stand up for you?

ChiswickFlo · 15/03/2022 12:07

I sympathise.
I've gone nc/lc with my mil ....far too tedious to document but 25 years of her bigotry and I'm done.
But I've had to do it myself. My dh will not take sides even though he concedes her behaviour is bad so there it is.
It's great
I recommend it 👍

Firstruleofsoupover · 15/03/2022 12:11

If you buy something in the same city, won't you and DH get checking on and repairing/improving responsibilities for their property which will encroach on your own family holidays? Would you not consider buying a bit further away or even different country?