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AIBU?

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PIL...To Think Theres No Way Back From This

142 replies

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:13

Name change to be less identifiable.

PIL have a small holiday home in a European country. They stay in it twice a year for a few weeks and its empty the rest of the year. They have no thoughts of retiring to it as they have a large house in the UK that they prefer. DH and I have stayed in it once about 10 years ago, of course we offered payment but PIL were happy a contribution for utilities. DH's other two siblings have stayed in it a few times too with some of their children, but again not all that often, albeit it more than us.

DH and I are thinking about buying a very small apartment in the same area and DH contacted PIL to ask if he could stay in it again for 10-11 days. MIL was initially enthusiastic, particularly as it sitting empty and this would mean it got checked on. She also told DH they were thinking about selling it in the future as they had lost interest in it and now preferred holidays to more exciting parts of the world rather than staying in the same place. We made plans and then she changed her mind, telling DH that she was worried that I was going to use it as a base for several months for wfh.

Where she got this idea from, I don't know. I can't wfh from overseas anyway and she knows this, and it was just such a bizarre idea that I decided to email her to reassure her that we just wanted a holiday and to look at properties around the area for sale and would maybe consider purchasing theirs but not to worry if it wasn't convenient/ready, we would just get an Air Bnb instead. No reply. She generally always replies, although I don't email her frequently, so it seems clear that this is a big issue and I've caused offence.

I'm horribly embarrassed that she thinks I'm some kind of freebie-hunter. I already have fairly low contact with PIL because they have form for being rude to me - when I was a teacher, FIL said I was "unemployed" during the school holidays and asked me if I was getting a job. When I mentioned the name of the school I attended, he asked me if it was "one of those failing schools" - its a private girls' school in London. Many similar examples. I'm from London, and PIL are from a regional city and I think their noses are a little out of joint that I come from a slightly wealthier background, hence the (not humorously said) put downs.

It would have been useful to have chatted with them about some information about the process of buying and paying property taxes in that country, but apart from that, I don't feel that I can even keep my low contact with them. What would I say at a family meal if the subject came up about our most recent holiday? They're not people you can crack a joke with. Everything is deathly serious.

PIL are in good health, definitely aren't going on holiday themselves at the same time and its not up for sale yet. We were pretty fluid with our dates when we discussed this give or take a 2 month period. Am I being unreasonable to think theres only so much dislike/negative comments towards me I can take? I think I'll never see them again now. I just wouldn't know what to say. DH asked them after my email whether they were saying it wasn't available, and they haven't even given DH an answer and seem to be ignoring him now as well, which they tend to do until an event such as a birthday comes up.

I've booked an Air BnB apartment for 2 weeks 20 miles from their holiday property so we will enjoy our holiday anyway. Its a common holiday destination so its not odd that we would want to go on holiday there.

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 15:54

@implantreplace

Yes. But they think it nonetheless Something really horrible and derogatory about you And yet… your DH still has a relationship with them *in the same area* And your DH wanting to use their place as base to search

Would indicate that… it’s in the close vicinity!!

Well, I know they can be a little arrogant, but they don't actually own Northern France, so while I'm calling it the same area, its by no means the same locality. Grin

I do seem to have further, and quite innocently, put their noses out of joint by informing them that I was thinking of buying in the area. I think by area, they will have known that I mean the wider area in general. It was clearly the wrong thing to say to them so theres obviously a lot going on there. There was honestly nothing in my email that could have been construed as offensive, I went out of my way to make it light and non questioning.

OP posts:
implantreplace · 15/03/2022 16:06

Given you were asking to stay in their place whilst you looked for places “in the area” and even offered to buy their place

I think they can be forgiven for thinking you meant in the close vicinity

But that’s just dealing with one issue. The why you’d want to have a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you, is baffling but each to their own

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 16:10

@implantreplace

Given you were asking to stay in their place whilst you looked for places “in the area” and even offered to buy their place

I think they can be forgiven for thinking you meant in the close vicinity

But that’s just dealing with one issue. The why you’d want to have a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you, is baffling but each to their own

I didn't "offer to buy it". I mentioned in my email that we might be interested in it, since they had told DH they were thinking of selling it.

And before I sent that email, PIL had been being strange with DH already after MIL said of course we could stay in it.

After this, I have absolutely no intention of ever going near the pair of them again.

This is getting a little bit strange now implantreplace.

OP posts:
jytdtysrht · 15/03/2022 17:02

They sound like they fail to communicate and also not very nice. You are best off leaving them to their own stupidity.

Ijsbear · 15/03/2022 17:47

I do seem to have further, and quite innocently, put their noses out of joint by informing them that I was thinking of buying in the area

Some people expect you to know how they think and if you don't, or dont take their advice, get offended.

Joyless folk, aren't they?

DrunkenKoala · 15/03/2022 17:51

I have a parent who could behave like this. With her I think it gave her a feeling of control over something I was doing - I asked her to help me with something small which she agreed to, but it was part of a bigger project so then the suggestions to change this and tweak that started and if I didn’t take her advice she’d either withdraw her help or even sabotage what it was I wanted her to do.

I’ve always been a believer in knowledge is power but I now realise that the less someone knows about what you are planning then the less power they have to cause upset and stress by wrecking what you are doing if that makes sense? So now I reveal very little about my plans until it’s a done deal, I get what I want and someone hasn’t had the chance “to get one over on me” which sound paranoid of me but unfortunately there are people who thrive “on getting one over on others”.

Good luck with your house search and keep them well out of it.

implantreplace · 15/03/2022 18:32

* This is getting a little bit strange now*

Not now
Sounds like a strange scenario for many many years!

Sceptre86 · 15/03/2022 18:52

You come across as a rather lovely person so who knows what has put their nose out of joint? It seems they have a weird dynamic with all of their kids. I used to experience this with my fil he was in general a lovely man but when we bought out own home wasn't happy about it. It was the first time dh had actually done something without him and he didn't like it. It was a strange mix of wanting his son to do well but not too well and still needing him I guess. I wouldn't want much to do with them either.

Ladybyrd · 15/03/2022 19:23

I think you need to stop trying to get them to accept you. It isn't you. It is them. If they have form for going into a huff over imaginary slights for months on end I would stop entertaining them, birthday or not.

NaomhPadraigin · 15/03/2022 19:43

LC to NC seems to be the way to go.
Happy house hunting!

Ijsbear · 15/03/2022 19:50

@DrunkenKoala

I have a parent who could behave like this. With her I think it gave her a feeling of control over something I was doing - I asked her to help me with something small which she agreed to, but it was part of a bigger project so then the suggestions to change this and tweak that started and if I didn’t take her advice she’d either withdraw her help or even sabotage what it was I wanted her to do.

I’ve always been a believer in knowledge is power but I now realise that the less someone knows about what you are planning then the less power they have to cause upset and stress by wrecking what you are doing if that makes sense? So now I reveal very little about my plans until it’s a done deal, I get what I want and someone hasn’t had the chance “to get one over on me” which sound paranoid of me but unfortunately there are people who thrive “on getting one over on others”.

Good luck with your house search and keep them well out of it.

Not everyone is like this ... honestly. There really are truly lovely people in the world. It's a question of distinguishing between the shits, the sometimes-one-sometimes-the-other and the good folk.

don't give up on human nature ...

billy1966 · 15/03/2022 19:54

I would be keep your business very close to your chest and tell that husband of yours to do the same.

LadyPropane · 15/03/2022 20:39

Are you sure you want to buy a holiday home so close to theirs? I think I'd start looking for places on a different continent...

OP, I'm sorry your ILs treat you this way. Don't worry about whether or not they "get" you, and certainly don't be embarrassed about this situation. They are the ones who ought to be embarrassed because they've been so bloody rude.

If they randomly pop up again in the future and act like nothing happened, I would be tempted to ignore them, or even raise the issue with them and directly ask why they ignored you. Obviously this one is up to your DH, as they are his parents. I suppose if he wants to keep letting them treat him badly then you can't really force him to stop. How does he feel about all this? Does he ever talk to them about their behaviour?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 20:46

They have been breathtakingly rude to me on a number of occassions though, in ways which have really hurt me and stuck in my mind

The two of them would no longer exist in my world. My husband would be free to do whatever, but I would never, ever see or speak to them again. The most important thing I've learned through getting older is that you cut toxic people completely out of your life, no matter who they are.

RandomBasic · 15/03/2022 20:48

Drop the rope. Any contact going forward is by their son.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2022 20:49

@RandomBasic

Drop the rope. Any contact going forward is by their son.
The only advice you need.
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 21:11

LadyPropane How does he feel about all this? Does he ever talk to them about their behaviour?

He wouldn't dare! I don't think he really notices/realises about the rudeness because he's been brought up with it. I think they would get angry and aggressive if anyone confronted them.

If my parents were still here, I think there might be words and then they might be cut off... Grin

Everyone is sharing my opinion that I'm justified in stopping contact. I'll just let it drop off quietly without giving them the argument they might be looking for. I really can't continue after this. Its a shame they have reached the age they have without realising that their behaviour has consequences.

Apart from that, they really are not important enough to influence my life in any way.

Ijsbear Joyless folk, aren't they? Gin

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 15/03/2022 22:10

I'll just let it drop off quietly without giving them the argument they might be looking for.

I definitely think that's the way to go.

I know it's hurtful, but there are some quite unpleasant people in the world. I imagine you wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but the genuinely sound pretty unpleasant. I think you might find relieving yourself of the burden of dealing with their judgement quite liberating in many ways.

Itsbackagain · 15/03/2022 22:21

Actually, I think you're sounding really mean. It would seem that they may dislike you as much as you dislike them. You've mentioned money lots in your posts:
You come from a 'slightly wealthier background',
Your parents were way more generous than his side of the family
You earn more than him
Your family are fairly wealthy compared to theirs
You earn more than DH (again)
DH has benefitted from money left to me by my parents
They talk about money constantly, and the source of their finances remains a mystery as they had quite ordinary jobs but lead really an almost extravagant lifestyle. DH and I suspect they've had two large inheritances.
Seems that you clash because you might actually be similar?

RandomBasic · 16/03/2022 00:12

@Itsbackagain

Actually, I think you're sounding really mean. It would seem that they may dislike you as much as you dislike them. You've mentioned money lots in your posts: You come from a 'slightly wealthier background', Your parents were way more generous than his side of the family You earn more than him Your family are fairly wealthy compared to theirs You earn more than DH (again) DH has benefitted from money left to me by my parents They talk about money constantly, and the source of their finances remains a mystery as they had quite ordinary jobs but lead really an almost extravagant lifestyle. DH and I suspect they've had two large inheritances. Seems that you clash because you might actually be similar?
Come off it.

This isn't an A level essay you have to try and find hidden themes. The OP is explaining the situation and answering questions.

implantreplace · 16/03/2022 07:35

@Itsbackagain

Actually, I think you're sounding really mean. It would seem that they may dislike you as much as you dislike them. You've mentioned money lots in your posts: You come from a 'slightly wealthier background', Your parents were way more generous than his side of the family You earn more than him Your family are fairly wealthy compared to theirs You earn more than DH (again) DH has benefitted from money left to me by my parents They talk about money constantly, and the source of their finances remains a mystery as they had quite ordinary jobs but lead really an almost extravagant lifestyle. DH and I suspect they've had two large inheritances. Seems that you clash because you might actually be similar?
This ^^
RedHelenB · 16/03/2022 08:31

@Subbaxeo

With bonkers comments like theirs, I would laugh them off. Who on earth would take it seriously if someone suggested you’re unemployed during the school holidays. Are you sure they don’t feel intimidated by you? You mention a few times how much better off your family are and how little you have in common-maybe they pick up on it? But it’s really not worth a massive level of resentment to not speak to them. Just book an Airbnb and enjoy the search to find your home.
Technically he's right, teachers have unpaid holiday over the summer .
Hoppinggreen · 16/03/2022 08:48

@RandomBasic

Drop the rope. Any contact going forward is by their son.
I have done this MIL complains to all and sundry about how I have “torn the family apart” but all I have done is leave any arrangements to DH. It means that I have a completely clear conscience while rarely having to see them
billy1966 · 16/03/2022 09:05

@Hoppinggreen

I think this is often the wisest course of action.
No drama, just absolutely no effort or availability.

My close friend has an awful FIL, he always has been.
She will have nothing whatsoever to do with him.
Her son sees the very least he can.
Her FIL complains about not seeing my friend when he was nothing but snide and dismissive.
His lovely wife is gone and she wasn't cold in the grave when my friend told her husband, I will never be in that man's company again, and she hasn't been.

MsTSwift · 16/03/2022 09:25

She basically has you down as a gold digging house stealer (no doubt read about in the daily Mail) which in the circumstances is laughable but also insulting and hurtful. Your only option to step away as frankly don’t think anything you do can change their perception.