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AIBU?

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PIL...To Think Theres No Way Back From This

142 replies

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:13

Name change to be less identifiable.

PIL have a small holiday home in a European country. They stay in it twice a year for a few weeks and its empty the rest of the year. They have no thoughts of retiring to it as they have a large house in the UK that they prefer. DH and I have stayed in it once about 10 years ago, of course we offered payment but PIL were happy a contribution for utilities. DH's other two siblings have stayed in it a few times too with some of their children, but again not all that often, albeit it more than us.

DH and I are thinking about buying a very small apartment in the same area and DH contacted PIL to ask if he could stay in it again for 10-11 days. MIL was initially enthusiastic, particularly as it sitting empty and this would mean it got checked on. She also told DH they were thinking about selling it in the future as they had lost interest in it and now preferred holidays to more exciting parts of the world rather than staying in the same place. We made plans and then she changed her mind, telling DH that she was worried that I was going to use it as a base for several months for wfh.

Where she got this idea from, I don't know. I can't wfh from overseas anyway and she knows this, and it was just such a bizarre idea that I decided to email her to reassure her that we just wanted a holiday and to look at properties around the area for sale and would maybe consider purchasing theirs but not to worry if it wasn't convenient/ready, we would just get an Air Bnb instead. No reply. She generally always replies, although I don't email her frequently, so it seems clear that this is a big issue and I've caused offence.

I'm horribly embarrassed that she thinks I'm some kind of freebie-hunter. I already have fairly low contact with PIL because they have form for being rude to me - when I was a teacher, FIL said I was "unemployed" during the school holidays and asked me if I was getting a job. When I mentioned the name of the school I attended, he asked me if it was "one of those failing schools" - its a private girls' school in London. Many similar examples. I'm from London, and PIL are from a regional city and I think their noses are a little out of joint that I come from a slightly wealthier background, hence the (not humorously said) put downs.

It would have been useful to have chatted with them about some information about the process of buying and paying property taxes in that country, but apart from that, I don't feel that I can even keep my low contact with them. What would I say at a family meal if the subject came up about our most recent holiday? They're not people you can crack a joke with. Everything is deathly serious.

PIL are in good health, definitely aren't going on holiday themselves at the same time and its not up for sale yet. We were pretty fluid with our dates when we discussed this give or take a 2 month period. Am I being unreasonable to think theres only so much dislike/negative comments towards me I can take? I think I'll never see them again now. I just wouldn't know what to say. DH asked them after my email whether they were saying it wasn't available, and they haven't even given DH an answer and seem to be ignoring him now as well, which they tend to do until an event such as a birthday comes up.

I've booked an Air BnB apartment for 2 weeks 20 miles from their holiday property so we will enjoy our holiday anyway. Its a common holiday destination so its not odd that we would want to go on holiday there.

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 12:15

@Firstruleofsoupover

If you buy something in the same city, won't you and DH get checking on and repairing/improving responsibilities for their property which will encroach on your own family holidays? Would you not consider buying a bit further away or even different country?
Its a large rural area with plenty of small towns.

DH raised this prospect as he was quite hurt by their reaction too, as in saying "Well they better not ask us to go round and fix stuff" when we are staying. I don't think he would be that gullible!

This is their own son that they have let down too. He had plans to visit them over his birthday to collect the spare key and so just didn't bother because presumably he didn't feel that welcome any more. Or awkward. He doesn't really talk about it but it must hurt.

I know no contact is the way forward, I've been low contact but I honestly couldn't sit round a dinner table and look them in the eye again. Without being very rude back and walking out.

OP posts:
OperationDog · 15/03/2022 12:16

Not sure I'd want to buy an apartment in the same area!

Thinkingblonde · 15/03/2022 12:18

Do you ever stand up to your father in law when he’s made rude comments?

If not then perhaps it’s time you did.
The same with mother in law. Ask her where she’s got the idea from that you’d be wfh overseas, you have no intentions of doing so because of the tax implications..blind her with facts.
If you intend on seeing even less of them what have you got to lose by challenging them.
I’m of their generation (maybe a bit younger) I’m come to the conclusion if anyone is rude to me then they deserve to have their behaviour pointed out to the most.

OperationDog · 15/03/2022 12:18

Hadn't seen Firstruleofsoupover's post when I posted but agree you should be very careful.

FantasticFebruary · 15/03/2022 12:18

They sound both mad & bad. I know it's not easy but just stay LC as close to NC as you can.

I'd be doing my best to keep my DC away from their weirdness too.

I'm very sorry your parents are no longer here.💐

My Ex saw how awful his parents were in comparison to my rather more normal
Parents. It was eye opening to him. It's a shame your DH no longer has that benchmark in your lives.

Plus he's an adult now, surely he can see how badly they've treat you, been towards you? Perhaps it just suits him better 'not to see it'??

I hope you enjoy your break & looking at houses. Is now really the right time to buy though?!

Thinkingblonde · 15/03/2022 12:19

*pointed out to them.

Blueberrycreampie · 15/03/2022 12:20

I don't really have much to add. Continue with your own plans, let your DH keep in contact with his parents but don't under any circumstances take any more of their shit. Limit your own contact with them and if they are rude or disparaging at any time pick them up on it and tell them they are being rude. This has gone on long enough op!

noirchatsdeux · 15/03/2022 12:20

Looking for the positives, at least you know now beyond all doubt that they don't like you. It's still horrible, though.

I honestly don't get how in laws can act like this. My 'FiL' (we aren't married but have been together 13 years) has hated me since the day he met me...and MIL is too spineless and just goes along with whatever he says/wants/ She's also two faced and a liar. FIL expected my partner to be a carbon copy of him (even gave him the same awful first name, which partner hates) and is angry that partner has made his own, different, choices in life...

I cut all contact with them 7 years ago...I live 200 miles away from them, which makes it easier. I'm 53, too old for this shit, and we don't have children, which makes it a lot easier.

I wouldn't buy their property, or a place anywhere near theirs.

mistermagpie · 15/03/2022 12:22

I'm not sure I would go fully NC with them to be honest. I'm NC with my own family and it's not something that is easy to do, especially if your DH (presumably) will continue to see them. It's quite extreme and can cause quite a bit of tension at things like family functions, even if these are few and far between. I basically have to never go to anything that my family might be at, which means that I never see any of my wider family at all. It can also be seen as you being 'dramatic' or whatever and can lead other family members getting involved. You have to basically not care about anything they might say to people about you. It's a hard road and honestly, I would avoid it if I could.

I would just stick to very very low contact. No emails and dinners and things, but just sort of be passive about it and let the relationship stagnate unless you're all invited to a wedding together or whatever. You don't have to call them yourself but neither do you have to refuse to answer the phone if they call for DH. Just be polite and tell them nothing.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/03/2022 12:22

Without knowing much about your FIL I think your crime in his eyes is that you are an independent and capable woman. You are not in anyway beholden to him or cowed by him which is how he feels every woman in the family should be (possibly also the men in the family if they are junior to him). That's why he keeps making up scenarios that make you inferior to him in some way (gold digger, unemployed in the summer holidays, cheeky holiday home squatter). It doesn't matter that they aren't in anyway true, only that it paints you in a bad light in his mind.

I think your MIL is cowed by him, which is why she doesn't initially see anything wrong with you or your plans but then does a rapid u-turn to agree with her husband.

I would avoid discussing future plans with them at all, if you do need to give them updates about your life only do it when the change has already been made. Otherwise I feel sure that when you tell them you are planning to leave the country permanently there will be some sort of crisis that requires you to stay.

Phobiaphobic · 15/03/2022 12:25

They sound like absolutely c*nts. Personally I wouldn't tolerate people being rude to me or mine and would challenge them to explain themselves on the spot. But it sounds a bit late for that now. Though I'd be very tempted to send an email explaining exactly how pissed off I was and why. It might get them to reflect a little and who knows, they might even apologise. Worth a try perhaps.

Ijsbear · 15/03/2022 12:33

But no, its this weird almost paranoid suspicion about my "motives" again

Projection. People assume other people are motivated by the same impulses they are. That's a greedy set of PIL you have there.

Also, please don't take on more responsibility than is yours. Its not your embarassemnt - it's hers. What's that phrase, somethign about "how other people see you is none of your business"

TonTonMacoute · 15/03/2022 13:44

They seem to want to conjure up bad feeling and resentment out of thin air. Crack on with your own lives and let them stew in their own bile.

They are not worth the head space, but it must be difficult for your DH though, I would let him decide how to handle it and follow his lead.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 13:56

My tolerance for them has certainly decreased as I've got older! FIL also tends to get drunk at nights and be even more rude. I did speak sharply to him once when he did it in my house, but thats literally the only time they've visited us in years and ironically, it was only because it was on the way to their holiday home. I don't think he's ever forgiven me. Even then, I was quite restrained, and it was along the lines of "This isn't a suitable time to be making that type of comment, and I don't want to hear that kind of talk in my house". (it was Christmas Eve).

I think MIL is a perfectly nice woman but I guess at some point she's made the choice to stick with him. Goodness knows why - he stopped working at 50 and has been idle ever since while she continued to work. They talk about money constantly, and the source of their finances remains a mystery as they had quite ordinary jobs but lead really an almost extravagant lifestyle. DH and I suspect they've had two large inheritances, which is again ironic because they are outspoken in saying they intend to leave nothing behind to anyone.

It really is quite bad, isn't it? The holiday home thing is such an insult, it gives me a great excuse to avoid them in future.

They've made it clear now that they don't like me (goodness knows what they were looking for in a DIL) so theres no point in seeing them. How sad that they can't be happy for their own son doing well and wanting to buy a second home too. (by the way I'm trying not to be too identifying but its a large region about 120 west to east and I don't associate PIL with it at all so wouldn't let them put me off buying or moving there.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 15/03/2022 14:11

@SucculentChalice My PILs are also obsessed with money - FIL was an accountant and thinks you are only worth bothering with if you are earning a lot of money. My partner did a good science degree but ultimately decided to go into nursing...so he doesn't earn a fortune. FIL has made it clear how disappointed he is with my partner's career. Add in that FIL has now gone full right-wing nutcase - Voted leave, watches GB News all day and supports Russia's invasion of Ukraine - well he's not someone I want to have anything to do with.

Crucible · 15/03/2022 14:29

I can almost guarantee that your being in the neighbourhood of their holiday home will be convenient for them and suddenly very much OK when they need assistance selling it..

Then just sit back and let them do the legwork themselves.

winnieanddaisy · 15/03/2022 15:03

Possibly they have the wrong end of the stick and they think that you 2 month window that you have given them means that you want to stay for two months. Or maybe they are just miserable old people who won't want any family help when that are old and feeble . Enjoy your holiday .

billy1966 · 15/03/2022 15:07

They sound like really ugly people.

You have been too tolerant and your husband has stood by and allowed you to be treated poorly.

None of it is good.

In your position I would just be permanently unavailable to them.

I would be seriously unimpressed with your husband doing jobs for people who are so rude and unpleasant to you.

They have money, they can pay for care.
Don't bother wasting your time trying to explain this to your husband, just make it clear you are neither interested in them or about them.

Be very wary of being used by them when you have a home in the same country.

Neither you nor your husband have great boundaries so I think you need to work hard on putting distance between you and these awful people.

Certainly, you shouldn't feel any obligation to be in their company again.

Look at this as a final blessing and leave them to their miserable outlook and lives.

spacehardware · 15/03/2022 15:17

What a pair of cunts

Just ignore them

implantreplace · 15/03/2022 15:19

So odd

Odd you want a place in same area as in laws you clearly don’t get on with

So odd that your DH tells you and has t point blank addressed in front of you their concerns re you marrying for mooney

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 15:22

@implantreplace

So odd

Odd you want a place in same area as in laws you clearly don’t get on with

So odd that your DH tells you and has t point blank addressed in front of you their concerns re you marrying for mooney

Oh for heaven's sake. Its not odd. Its not in the same "place". Its northern France. Its a vast region. Its not as if I'm moving next door to them or even to the same town.

And they are far more insidious than you imagine to make a claim so abruptly as you suggest. Since I earn more than DH and he has benefitted from money left to me by my parents when they died which paid for the deposit on our house, its hardly borne out by fact in any way.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/03/2022 15:23

@SucculentChalice

My tolerance for them has certainly decreased as I've got older! FIL also tends to get drunk at nights and be even more rude. I did speak sharply to him once when he did it in my house, but thats literally the only time they've visited us in years and ironically, it was only because it was on the way to their holiday home. I don't think he's ever forgiven me. Even then, I was quite restrained, and it was along the lines of "This isn't a suitable time to be making that type of comment, and I don't want to hear that kind of talk in my house". (it was Christmas Eve).

I think MIL is a perfectly nice woman but I guess at some point she's made the choice to stick with him. Goodness knows why - he stopped working at 50 and has been idle ever since while she continued to work. They talk about money constantly, and the source of their finances remains a mystery as they had quite ordinary jobs but lead really an almost extravagant lifestyle. DH and I suspect they've had two large inheritances, which is again ironic because they are outspoken in saying they intend to leave nothing behind to anyone.

It really is quite bad, isn't it? The holiday home thing is such an insult, it gives me a great excuse to avoid them in future.

They've made it clear now that they don't like me (goodness knows what they were looking for in a DIL) so theres no point in seeing them. How sad that they can't be happy for their own son doing well and wanting to buy a second home too. (by the way I'm trying not to be too identifying but its a large region about 120 west to east and I don't associate PIL with it at all so wouldn't let them put me off buying or moving there.

Well I'm assuming they won't be looking to their children for any care in their dotage.

I wonder who'll be the lucky person to be executor of their wills though. As I doubt they'll leave anything to their children I hope they don't expect them to sort it all out

implantreplace · 15/03/2022 15:31

Yes. But they think it nonetheless
Something really horrible and derogatory about you
And yet… your DH still has a relationship with them
in the same area
And your DH wanting to use their place as base to search

Would indicate that… it’s in the close vicinity!!

implantreplace · 15/03/2022 15:33

* that we just wanted a holiday and to look at properties around the area for sale and would maybe consider purchasing theirs b*

And this

Hardly gives impression that it was the other side of northern France Grin

tempester28 · 15/03/2022 15:42

I think they think you are planning to move abroad and they don’t want you to - so don’t want to help you do that in anyway. Silly when you can just stay somewhere else!