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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children Blush it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2022 13:28

Why do you have so many child visitors? Do you live far away from all your friends and family?

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/03/2022 13:29

I get what you mean, OP. It probably is a break for them but not for you. I would limit it to day trips or lunches out, otherwise it won’t be enjoyable for the child-free people.

DSGR · 14/03/2022 13:29

It’s not that enjoyable no but in the context of a long friendship, this is really a very short amount of time.
I just put up with it and try to remember how hard it is for the parents. I put my effort into enjoying the company of my friends, making delicious food, being hospitable. It’s just a weekend

Delatron · 14/03/2022 13:31

No, I’ve stopped doing this. It’s hard as DH wants people to stay all the time but too much like hard work. My kids don’t get up until 10am. I don’t want to be up with toddlers and babies at 6am! I’m through that.

You have to find other ways to meet up that don’t involve overnight stays at your house.

Original poster
Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:33

@AryaStarkWolf, we used to live about an hour’s drive from my family and friends and an hour and a half’s drive from his. Then DH got offered a job in my home county (purely coincidental but he was more than happy to take it and move) so now we live about 20-30 mins from my friends and family but 2 hours from his. So yes, unfortunately that means his family and friends friends coming to stay quite often and we’re now mid 30’s so everyone around us pretty much has children.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2022 13:43

[quote Willowtreegreen]@AryaStarkWolf, we used to live about an hour’s drive from my family and friends and an hour and a half’s drive from his. Then DH got offered a job in my home county (purely coincidental but he was more than happy to take it and move) so now we live about 20-30 mins from my friends and family but 2 hours from his. So yes, unfortunately that means his family and friends friends coming to stay quite often and we’re now mid 30’s so everyone around us pretty much has children.[/quote]
ahh ok, yeah young children are tiring but you have to make the effort in that case, do you think your DH feels different about it because they're his nieces and nephews? Maybe just try to space out the visits a bit?

nearlyspringyay · 14/03/2022 13:43

Fuck that, it's bad enough when it's your own kids keeping you up, making a mess etc. Reduce the visits, go and visit them in the daytime. It's not exactly huge distances.

Greentomatoes21 · 14/03/2022 13:45

I'm sure your friends aren't having much fun either. It's really hard being away from home with kids, far from a break for the parents, but clearly they want to see you. If I were you I'd lower your expectations, enjoy spending time with your friends and their children, and enjoy when they go home too. Seems a bit of a shame to stop seeing your friends over it. Or as someone above said, limit it to days out and go your separate ways in the evening.

Abouttimemum · 14/03/2022 13:46

I wouldn’t take my 2 year old to stay with someone else (aside from parents) for all those reasons really. And he’s well behaved and sleeps through until 7 but he still makes a racket. Plus he gets overexcited when away so would probably stay up quite late, and he does need a nap. We usually just stay in hotels.

Greentomatoes21 · 14/03/2022 13:47

But to answer your aibu - no I don't think you're being unreasonable - days with kids are long and hard and it isn't easy making sacrifices when the kids aren't you own!

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 14/03/2022 13:48

YABU to expect anything different from friends staying with young kids. It’s chaos at that age.

You would not be unreasonable to stop inviting them if you find it too much. Maybe stick to meeting up for days out, kids can burn off steam and your house doesn’t get wrecked then.

SartresSoul · 14/03/2022 13:49

Do you really need to host them at yours like this? Surely they could visit for the day or you could visit them instead.

HappeeinParis · 14/03/2022 13:50

That’s kids for you. Maybe suggest meeting somewhere else if it’s not working for you.

DowntonCrabby · 14/03/2022 13:51

2 hours from his really does not require overnight stays, particularly stays which are putting you out.
It’s an hour for you all to meet halfway and spend the day together.

Whelmed · 14/03/2022 13:52

Yanbu and I bet the parents of the DC aren't finding it that enjoyable either. I have young DC and as much as I like visiting friends and family and love having friends and family visit us with their DC, it's still a massive chore to everyone involved!!

PeterPomegranate · 14/03/2022 13:53

I have young children (not now as young as the ages you’ve mentioned but I remember) and YANBU, they are noisy, messy, etc.

Just depends how important it is to you to
maintain the relationship with their parents and if there are other ways to do that.

I did and do appreciate family and friends having us to stay. They’re not that young forever.

I would try to avoid having so many young guests so close together.

GreenWheat · 14/03/2022 13:58

Could you break it up by you visiting them sometimes? Maybe get an Airbnb, stay for a few days, and visit each one for the day? That would instantly halve the number of visits. YANBU to find it a bit much in your own home, but YABU to expect your 30s not to involve friends having young children.

garlictwist · 14/03/2022 14:00

My nieces only live round the corner and I love them to bits but I hate it when they come to my house, even if only for half an hour as I feel like everything gets trashed. They run around, pull things out, move things and it makes me feel very stressed. I don't have kids so am used to order and peace and quiet in my home. I'd much rather go see them at my sister's house and let them trash things there!

EducatingArti · 14/03/2022 14:02

How much of the tidying/cleaning up the kitchen/ entertaining the children/general cooking is your DH doing?
For me, if he was willing to pitch in and do the bulk of this ( as he is the one wanting the overnight visitors) then I'd feel more ok about it than if he wasn't.

RobotValkyrie · 14/03/2022 14:11

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment?

YABU to think of it as a "at the moment" transient thing. The kids are here to stay. Either you want to stay in touch with these people or you don't. If you don't like kids and only enjoy uninterrupted adult company, you might as well write off the whole relationship for the next 10 years or so at least.

Original poster
Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 14:17

@RobotValkyrie

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment?

YABU to think of it as a "at the moment" transient thing. The kids are here to stay. Either you want to stay in touch with these people or you don't. If you don't like kids and only enjoy uninterrupted adult company, you might as well write off the whole relationship for the next 10 years or so at least.

Well I don't find other people's children that endearing if I'm honest though I appreciate they are important to friends/ family so do make an effort to get involved with them. I'm perfectly happy to meet up with friends/ family members and their DC. I'm just not so keen on what feels like constantly having to have them to stay at mine all the time. It's a lot of work.

I just wondered if anyone else had/ felt similar.

OP posts:
Caspianberg · 14/03/2022 14:18

Well people have children. It sounds like they stay due to distance.

If you have dedicated guest room, add wall mounted tv and Netflix. Add guest toddler snack basket in bedroom ( those kiddie apple rice cakes are fairly clean)
That might keep small toddlers in bedroom an extra hour or so mornings.

And is it really awful to be in your house with friends whilst their child naps? Can’t you all just catch up,m, have nice hour or so without child interrupting and a quiet coffee together. Sit in garden as it warms up.

I think you either have to stop all visits, or just go with the flow and try to make it easier. Yes your sleep is disturbed for 1-2 nights, just think of the parents who probably haven’t had an undisturbed sleep in x amount of years.

Startingtomoveon · 14/03/2022 14:19

Perhaps ensure longer gaps between visitors, or go and visit them more often to avoid the overnight stays. If adults allow their DC to run amok and trash their hosts home, or not clean up after themselves in the kitchen etc then they are poor guests and they wouldn’t be welcome back in a hurry.

I have a 7yo and my aunt likes us to visit but we stay in a nearby hotel as I know she finds it a bit too much as she’s not used to young children around.

RickyZooom · 14/03/2022 14:22

Wow… I’m amazed that some people don’t value friendships enough to put up with a messy house for 48hrs and the possibility of a bad nights sleep. It’s not forever is it, those preschoolers will be older soon. I’d hate it if my friends started distancing themselves from me just because I’ve chosen to have children.
If you’d have your friends for the weekend pre-children, nothing should change after children IMO. You take your friends as they come, not as you want them to be.

Original poster
Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 14:25

@Caspianberg

Well people have children. It sounds like they stay due to distance.

If you have dedicated guest room, add wall mounted tv and Netflix. Add guest toddler snack basket in bedroom ( those kiddie apple rice cakes are fairly clean)
That might keep small toddlers in bedroom an extra hour or so mornings.

And is it really awful to be in your house with friends whilst their child naps? Can’t you all just catch up,m, have nice hour or so without child interrupting and a quiet coffee together. Sit in garden as it warms up.

I think you either have to stop all visits, or just go with the flow and try to make it easier. Yes your sleep is disturbed for 1-2 nights, just think of the parents who probably haven’t had an undisturbed sleep in x amount of years.

The adults and children always have their own rooms. The adults never keep the DC in their rooms (and there is a tv in there) for some reason they always go downstairs, I'm guessing to make breakfast etc which is fair enough but it's hard to do that quietly with children and so inevitably you get woken up.

Perfectly fine to sit and have a chat and enjoy company whilst children are napping, the problem is it's v difficult to go out and do anything as the children are having naps so you need to be at home. Which has meant for a lot of the visits, especially with people with babies, we really just end up sitting around our house all weekend and yes, personally I find that boring, conversation runs dry after a while too. Getting out and about doing stuff is often a good talking point.

And yes I do feel sorry for the parents, but that is why some people choose to remain child free because they don't want nights of disturbed sleep! I personally would feel bad inflicting that on my hosts so if we had children I would just stay in an air bnb or something.

OP posts: