To find having guests with young children hard work?

[Willowtreegreen]

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

@Willowtreegreen

I don't think you can have a true understanding of children until you've had them? I haven't, so no I don't.

The thing is, we DO go visit DH's home county and see people, we stay with the IL's though not anyone else. But friends and family ALWAYS want to come and stay with us because we're in a very nice part of the world. I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

Particularly people with toddler age and above children as we're only 5 mins from the beach and forests, a few children's attractions etc so for them it's pretty much a free holiday in a tourist destination. I guess yes, especially after this weekend, I'm starting to feel resentful. It's not that I don't want to sustain these relationships anymore, far from it. I just wish people would offer to stay nearby in an air bnb or hotel (of which there are plenty) rather than with us. They must realise they bring a lot of noise, disruption and mess but they don't seem to care. I guess my point is, that I would care. So I'm starting to find it a bit rude. We're not a hotel.

Well it's not much of a holiday for them if you rarely leave the house so I imagine they come to see you not for a holiday. And I imagine they are very aware how disruptive it is and do care but still want to maintain the relationship.

My bil and sil live 3.5 hours away, right on the coast-very picturesque. I have 3dc ages 2,5&7. We said when they moved there we would alternate visits so have been down a few times now and while I love to make the effort to see them for them, I hate going for other reasons. Its disruptive to them and us, we need airbeds and travel cots and the bloody kitchen sink to go for 2 nights. Then we try to fit in some activity during the day but trying to align schedules can be a nightmare. Then trying to feed everyone - I always offer to help and contribute to the food shopping, bring wine etc but I do feel we are a bit of a burden. I try my best and do the cleaning up, tidy up after dc go to bed etc but it is stressful, plus I have a non sleeper so we could be up at all hours during the night and I am very conscious of disturbing others. Its no fun for the visitors either if that makes you feel any better.

The alternative of staying in a hotel close by is a non runner for 5 of us. It would cost over 400e for 2 nights and I just cant afford that every few months.

So if we want to see each other this is what we do.

I think your lazy husband sounds worse with every post.

Speaking through gritted teeth to leave the clean up that he doesn't help with until a more convenient time.

You sound like the house skivvy.

Stop being so passive and stand up for yourself.

Think long and hard before having children with this lazy twat.

The only YABU part of your post is referring to a child as "28 months" they are 2!'

I get it and I have kids myself and I find it tiresome when other parents visit with their kids.

@twinsetandpearl, that was a typo, actually meant 18 months

Having read the full thread I totally agree the issue is with your DH. Just say no to future guests and tell him it's because he doesn't pull his weight.
If he ends up inviting them, go away elsewhere that weekend (some unavoidable work conference perhaps)

Blimey, there are a lot of people here thinking it's ok to invite yourself & your children for a weekend then seemingly running amok! You need to have a full & frank discussion with your husband, maybe again (!), about your feelings about hosting weekend parties. He knows your ground rules but ignores them, and this is adding to your stress & negative feelings towards your guests. As he enjoys hosting, that's what he needs to do, host. You and he can agree what your requirements are for a weekend, have a trial visit and assess if it goes okay for you both, if not stop all visits. If your friends/family are inviting themselves, they need to abide by your rules, that you clearly outline to them before the visit. You also need to explain to your husband that you can only cope with, say, 4 hospitality weekends a year. We all cherish our weekends and yours are being spoiled by uninvited guests. If your husband wants more visits than this, you could always absent yourself by going away yourself.

I couldn't think of anything worse tbh.

Yanbu OP

I have 3DCs (now teens ) so I do know what being a parent is and a large house near beaches and countryside . Family and friends are always inviting themselves down to stay and it's exhausting!! I get Rae weekends off as it is, with all the activities and chores I have up for in. I work in the week and want time off to recuperate and have a life balance , to chill & do my own activities and to not live ny spare time as unpaid hotel staff who get no sleep from young children staying screaming or awake at silly o clock hosting everyone else's 'mini breaks' This is my home, my life, seeing family is important but they don't have to impose or stay with me unless I want them to! Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. (I choose)

So I host sometimes when I want to - but otherwise I say I'm not available as we have plans. That includes people who say 'we must find a time in May June.. to visit you be lovely to catch up and have a free holiday where you wait on us and iur 3 children including those lovely cooked breakfasts you're famous for

I reply "Hi it'll be lovely to see you again sometime to maybe meet for a meal on a Saturday - there's a new place in X we can try- but we've full weekends most of the summer. There's a smashing hotel near us, shall I send you details for you and shall I text some ideas of where you could visit on days out to make most of your journey?"

So I say a polite 'no' by not committing and being vague and saying we're busy and leaving it up to when I feel up to it. Generally I find hosting every 6-8 weeks for one Sat night (never a long weekend) is enough. That's what I stick to (except my parents who help out and like to do my DIY/ help with cooking etc!!) so 3 family visits over any one spring/summer year. I host Xmas too each year for our immediate family. That's a Big deal!

I love seeing my friends and family but in moderation to stay as it is exhausting. And they don't understand they are the 15th little family to ask...

So I think your compromise is to agree with DH for eg 3 hosting weekends - consisting only of one sat night (so Sat 10am- Sunday 5pm at latest as you have to get ready for work on Monday) -in total each summer, one in winter (or two in total year or whatever you feel is suitable compromise) . Then you can 'book in' everyone in at same time if DH wants to fit in more people-as you 'otherwise have plans / are not free'.

It's ok to say "lovely to see you but it's exhausting hosting, we have plans but can maybe fit you in about Sept 2022 , let's pin down date you can stay a sat night, so we don't say yes to anyone else" if people starts to badger.

Or a "I'll let you know when we've a free weekend" and I procrastinate with " can't do that month, will let you know.."

Or a "can't host you for weekend as not free, we've so much on, but we can meet up if you're staying nearby"

@Willowtreegreen

The sense of entitlement on this thread has actually made me really sad. What a generation of entitled, self- absorbed parents we’re turning into. The children are going to be nightmare adults but it’ll be too late by then.

100%

The thing that irked me most about the last visit from a guest with family was that I KNOW that family member’s parents taught them completely differently to the way their kids were being allowed to behave because I had the same fucking parents!

the kids ran riot, absolutely zero manners, snacking when I’m practically dishing dinner up and a fucking cushion war on my brand new sofa. Family member oh had become an insufferable bore and both of them were absolutely wet lettuce with mid/late primary aged kids.

My oh hated it. I hated it. Never again. Covid was a blessing, holiday quarantine was a gift.

Think I’ll be ‘away’ next time.

@Willowtreegreen you’re absolutely being taken the piss out of. These people are using you for a weekend break. Put your foot down, tell h that he’s not to invite or agree to any Visits for the foreseeable future

You know these guests wouldn’t come stay with you if you didn’t live by the seaside

One night of guests is enough for me after having children.

Pre children I would have had zero interest in having children to stay.

Do as someone I read online did when her husband kept inviting people to stay but not helping.
She told him to stop doing it, but he casually mentioned his sister and family were coming for the weekend.
She never said a thing and headed off to work on the friday and then went to visit her family for the weekend.

Panicked calls ensued but she wished him well and said she was taking the monday off to so the house had better be the way she left it.
It more or less was.
She told him that he could expect similar if he asked anyone to visit again.
He didn't.
Funny how they suddenly get it, when it impacts THEM.

There really aren't that many family/friends that most people want to spend skivvying for, for a couple of days.

These days I will will barely cook dinner for my nearest and dearest friends and family.

@billy1966

One night of guests is enough for me after having children.

Pre children I would have had zero interest in having children to stay.

Do as someone I read online did when her husband kept inviting people to stay but not helping.
She told him to stop doing it, but he casually mentioned his sister and family were coming for the weekend.
She never said a thing and headed off to work on the friday and then went to visit her family for the weekend.

Panicked calls ensued but she wished him well and said she was taking the monday off to so the house had better be the way she left it.
It more or less was.
She told him that he could expect similar if he asked anyone to visit again.
He didn't.
Funny how they suddenly get it, when it impacts THEM.

There really aren't that many family/friends that most people want to spend skivvying for, for a couple of days.

These days I will will barely cook dinner for my nearest and dearest friends and family.

Agree but such a shame it has to come to this. DH should come on board before it gets apocalyptic as it can be lovely having guests. I can't believe the rudeness of visiting people and not (a) following the hosts house rules plus (b) showing gratitude by taking them out to eat or paying for other big entertainment whilst there, in exchange for the hospitality. OP, what are you planning to say/do so far as your DH is concerned?