Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children Blush it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/03/2022 15:18

When you're in the thick of the small child chaos it's sometimes hard to see how it impacts on others a you're used to it.

I remember taking my 2 year old twins (years ago!) to see a friend. She had no children and a beautiful calm organised house.

I did my best to keep on top of the DDs but it was still full on. I popped to the loo after about 30 minutes and returned to find she had put their coats and shoes on, ready to go home Grin. I was a bit offended at the time but totally get it now.

ToniLaRoni · 14/03/2022 15:18

We have plenty of family 2 hours away. Some even 3 hours and most visits are just a day trip.

Mad to be staying over for the sake of a 2 hour drive.

We take it in turn to visit each other.

Kids sleep in the car home.

Henlie · 14/03/2022 15:20

It’s no fun having other people’s young children come and stay with you regardless of whether you have children or not. It’s actually quite poor form for them to invite themselves. A good friend would not inflict you with their young children. We never stayed with friends when our DD was young as it just wouldn’t have been fair to inflict our schedule on anyone.

I think you just need to get ready with some excuses as to why they can’t come, like you’re having renovations done and are not hosting anyone. Just say you’ll catch up with them when you’re in their area next.

Clymene · 14/03/2022 15:20

@HappeeinParis

And yes I do feel sorry for the parents, but that is why some people choose to remain child free because they don't want nights of disturbed sleep! I personally would feel bad inflicting that on my hosts so if we had children I would just stay in an air bnb or something.

If you don't want people with kids staying, stop inviting them. Simple.

Yeah this. If you invite people with little children to stay, your weekend will revolve around the children's needs. That's just what small kids are like.

You need to tell your husband to stop inviting people to stay.

Clymene · 14/03/2022 15:21

@Henlie

It’s no fun having other people’s young children come and stay with you regardless of whether you have children or not. It’s actually quite poor form for them to invite themselves. A good friend would not inflict you with their young children. We never stayed with friends when our DD was young as it just wouldn’t have been fair to inflict our schedule on anyone.

I think you just need to get ready with some excuses as to why they can’t come, like you’re having renovations done and are not hosting anyone. Just say you’ll catch up with them when you’re in their area next.

Are they inviting themselves or is the husband inviting them?
pinkyredrose · 14/03/2022 15:23

Why did Sil allow her kids to get up and run around at 5.45?

YANBU OP. If the family and friends are so desperate to see you could they visit without their kids?

statetrooperstacey · 14/03/2022 15:26

Get a dog, and when they ask how he is with children you say “well he’s a bit snappy but I’m sure it will be fine”Smile

Delatron · 14/03/2022 15:27

I would never allow my kids to get up at 5.45 at someone else’s house and put the TV on loudly.

Original poster
Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 15:27

@MyDcAreMarvel

It’s quite telling you say SIL dc rather than niece/nephew maybe spend more time with them. Offer to get up with them one morning , take them out for the day, just make an effort.
I don't see them as my nephew's tbh, SIL and I aren't close at all. DH doesn't really view my Niece and Nephew as his either though. We're both perfectly pleasant to the children and spend time with them/ interact lots with them, but neither feel as much for the others as we do our own nieces/nephews. I think it's because DH and my siblings get on okay, but they're not close and it's the same with SIL and me. We're just not close. The closer you are to the parents, the closer you tend to be to the DC IMO.
OP posts:
Tobchette · 14/03/2022 15:28

I remember being on the tail end of our friendship group, with all of our friends having kids before we did. We were actually ttc when a couple with kids came to visit and I was gobsmacked how they let their kids run riot in our home. The little boy kept climbing on the exercise bike and pretending to ride it and pressing all the buttons. He kept running up to the house plants and scattering soil everywhere. We had to keep moving things like cups, snack bowls with nuts in, fruit bowl, anything out in case he put them in his mouth or tried playing with them. I remember all of these things driving me absolutely mad and thinking jeez get a grip on your kid.
Then I had kids and the opposite drives me mad. I hate it going to peoples homes that are not kid friendly. I know it's unreasonable but I get so frustrated. Just like will you please just put things out of my kids reaching distance. Do you have to leave your hot coffee on the coffee table in perfect grabbing distance of my small child. Oh great my dd has just locked herself in your bathroom, you could have warned us there was a lock. And who the fuck has house plants on the floor, it's not a greenhouse etc. My own exercise bike went on gumtree free for collection and fancy little snack bowls for guests have been replaced with sliced apples and rice cakes on bamboo unicorn plates.
Obviously I'm unreasonable in many sentiments because if I'm a guest in someone's home my kids need to behave but it's a nightmare having children in a non-child-friendly home. I don't know why anyone wants to put themselves through that. It's not relaxing or fun. You just end up chasing the kids round saying no the entire time. I hate visiting my mil who is precious about anything getting damaged. I hate visiting my db who will complain about discipline when my dd is crying that she wants the ice cream in the blue bowl and he insists she eats it out of the bowl he served it in - because he doesn't have kids. So I just avoid going there.
I don't think it's a good mix for anyone to be honest. Is your dh insisting on people staying when maybe they would just rather stay somewhere else? Sounds like the suggestion of a man who doesn't have to parent.

SatinHeart · 14/03/2022 15:29

@Pancakeorcrepe

I get what you mean, OP. It probably is a break for them but not for you. I would limit it to day trips or lunches out, otherwise it won’t be enjoyable for the child-free people.
I wouldn't bet in it being a break for the guests either. We have 2 young DC and staying in other people's (non child-proofed) houses can be incredibly stressful! I'd always rather people came to us tbh.
KatyRebecca84 · 14/03/2022 15:30

My child is hard work and I wouldn’t inflict that on other people! I’d suggest your friends and family stay near in a hotel so you can actually enjoy the visit!

nearlyspringyay · 14/03/2022 15:32

@Delatron

I would never allow my kids to get up at 5.45 at someone else’s house and put the TV on loudly.
I would never have put the TV on but kids are PITA early risers, keeping in the bedroom would have meant more noise, hence why I wouldnt have inflicted it on others!
nearlyspringyay · 14/03/2022 15:34

Sorry - my kids, not all kids!

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 14/03/2022 15:34

Meet them half way for now.

I'd not have given up my weekends in that way when I was without kids.

Delatron · 14/03/2022 15:37

Yeah @nearlyspringyay if I knew my kids woke at 5.45 I would not have stayed over at peoples houses.

Caspianberg · 14/03/2022 15:39

Also, presumably your not going to end up with loads and loads more nieces and nephews in future. Those 1 and 3 year olds now, will be much better at not being wild things in a few years time.

Mariposista · 14/03/2022 15:39

Not unreasonable at all, your friends are very selfish to allow their children to trash your house and disturb everyone. A very young baby can't help making a noise at night, but they ought to be totally on top of clearing up after their kids, keep the stuff they bring with them to an absolute minimum, and be flexible over their routines when in YOUR house.

Mariposista · 14/03/2022 15:40

And if they are awake really early, they should be keeping them quiet or taking them out

Mariposista · 14/03/2022 15:42

@Delatron

I would never allow my kids to get up at 5.45 at someone else’s house and put the TV on loudly.
Exactly, that's just pure rude. I'd make them do a very quiet activity, or take them out.
Herecomesthesun2022 · 14/03/2022 15:44

I don’t understand why anyone would want to take their small children to stay with child free friends for the weekend. It sounds horrendous for everyone. I think you’ll need to ask them to Airbnb if they’re going to visit, or see them in their own home area or meet half way. Small children are bloody hard work and one’s own are bad enough, let alone someone else’s

AliceW89 · 14/03/2022 15:44

YANBU. Most of the things you describe (routines, noise, having to work around naps, mess, snacking) are part and parcel of having small children - nothing you describe makes me think your family/friend’s children are particularly ‘bad’. But if that’s not your bag then just don’t host. Be more assertive with your DH and tell him you’d rather go and see people as opposed to people coming to you.

AllKnowingGerbil · 14/03/2022 15:47

Yeah it's a total pain in the arse! I have DC and visiting friends overnight is a total faff. You just hope the little darlings will fall asleep at a half decent time so you can have a drink and adult conversation- but it doesn't happen and if it did you'd be top tired. Sigh.

TooManyPJs · 14/03/2022 15:55

"We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping."

I have never understood why people make this rod for their own (and in some cases as you describe, others' backs). Babies are generally extremely portable. Take them out. Very few babies won't sleep in their pram or buggy. Jesus, I couldn't live like that!

PleaseBeSeated · 14/03/2022 15:59

Well, of course it's hard work, but it's also hardly surprising, is it? And it's hard work for your adult guests, who are both dealing with demanding babies and small children and trying to limit their impact on their hosts, and intuiting you find them hard work.