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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children Blush it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 16/03/2022 16:14

I really think that the children/parents, while very annoying-sounding, are a bit of a red herring here - you'd have the same problem without the children, perhaps to a lesser extreme. You and your DH sound like completely incompatible hosts (you actually sound like quite incompatible people, but hopefully it's just when hosting!). His idea of good hosting sounds completely different to yours, and so it's not surprising he's picked up so many friends that don't fit your idea of good guests. It sounds like an absolute nightmare - you feel that your home and space is being disrespected; he thinks you're ruining the atmosphere and fun. Having more considerate guests would help (and I do think they sound inconsiderate - there's a reason I don't inflict my own tiny children on people!) but it wouldn't remove the problem because it's actually to do with you and your DH, not them.

I think there's an element of truth in this, probably because you could say the same and me/DH. He's generally a 'more the merrier' type person, and is oblivious to total chaos. I also like 'more the merrier' but not when its in my home! We have some relatives (who don't have small children) and a weekend's invasion/visit from them can take nearly a week to sort out after they've gone, which is a total pain when you work full time. Even taking domestics out of the equation, when you've had a weekend of chaos from uninvited guests, sandwiched between two busy working weeks, it's just exhausting.

Plumbuddle · 16/03/2022 17:05

@Coffeepot72, I think you and your DH aren't comparable to what is going on in this marriage. OP has said, "we're talking bags, shoes and coats dumped in the hallway and other areas of the house, despite their being plenty of coat hooks and shoe racks etc. Inevitably I end up going round picking these things up and tidying them away, DH will then hiss through a strained smile in front of said guests 'Darling, you're being a little rude, can't you wait til our guests have gone before you start clearing up.' and I smile sweetly back and say 'Not when there's plenty of coat hooks and shoe racks available, no. I don't want the dogs to damage anyone's property.' Same with the kitchen, absolute bombsite with everyone just sitting about laughing, joking, seemingly totally unbothered by it so after a while I'll start loading the dishwasher or do some washing up and start clearing things away. I then get another pointed look from guests and DH with him saying 'leave all that I'll do it later.' and me again, through a strained smile saying 'It's been like this all day, we need to start preparing dinner so I'll just make a start clearing up.'
So DH is dramatising a criticism of OP and then his family/friends are even joining in and getting at her. This is NOT ok, even if objectively OP may have incredibly over high standards (which it does not sound like). DH is actually getting them to gang up on her. OP you really have to either be able to say no to these people or if you can't, examine what is going on between you and DH. He is triangulating them against you. It's abusive.

Eddielizzard · 16/03/2022 17:09

Yes you'd love to see your friends! Here's a couple of airbnb's in the area.

phoenixrosehere · 16/03/2022 17:32

So DH is dramatising a criticism of OP and then his family/friends are even joining in and getting at her. This is NOT ok, even if objectively OP may have incredibly over high standards (which it does not sound like). DH is actually getting them to gang up on her. OP you really have to either be able to say no to these people or if you can't, examine what is going on between you and DH. He is triangulating them against you.

Yep. I noticed that to. Knowing me though, I would tell him, “Well, the short two hour trip must have been too much since they missed the hooks where their coats are supposed to go. I’m just making sure that their lovely items don’t get stepped on or someone trips.. (inset sickeningly sweet smile). We wouldn’t want that would we, especially with small children about.

OP has a massive DH problem.

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 17:40

[quote Stomacharmeleon]@Willowtreegreen in a nice way can you just not accept that regardless of how it makes you feel those people love you enough to want to come and spend time with you? I know your getting the hump but honestly I don't think posters on here sound entitled they are just trying to help. If rubbish is annoying you then pegs and boxes are great. If you could just relax a smidge then maybe it wouldn't be so arduous....

For what it worth I am quite jealous. Haven't got many friends and children are nearly grown up. I am by the seaside in the south East and would love a bit of company. I have cancer and am quite lonely. Have got my hound though so I understand that :) [/quote]
in a nice way can you just not accept that regardless of how it makes you feel those people love you enough to want to come and spend time with you? It sounds like what they 'love', @Stomacharmeleon , is a free holiday. I doubt they care about visiting the OP at all, they're using her.

SockFluffInTheBath · 16/03/2022 17:42

One of my best friends moved 2.5 hours away a few years ago. She loves having guests and hosting so is always badgering me to go and stay and I have

Maybe the next time you have ‘guests’ due go to your friend. Be too busy with your own packing to clean, change sheets, get shopping in etc maybe when your DH has to sort everything and sees how much work it is then he might be less generous with the free b&b- and don’t touch any of the mess or washing when you get back Smile

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 17:45

@unsurereallyx1 You don't seem to understand parents very well. When you have kids, your primary concern isn't that it's a 5 star hotel. Most parents when they have young children couldn't give a shit about that, and it seems from how lazy and disinterested OPs friends are, the friends certainly don't give a shit. It's all about a cheap or free holiday.

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 17:47

@Willowtreegreen

Trust me, they do. And as of 13.30 today, DH has received another message from a friend saying they were hoping to fit in a visit to us before May. If that's not inviting themselves...
Then get your DH, or you yourself, tell them you 'aren't doing any overnight visits for the foreseeable future', so would they like to meet up half way for dinner?
unsurereallyx1 · 16/03/2022 17:57

[quote PinaColada123456]**@unsurereallyx1* You don't seem to understand parents very well. When you have kids, your primary concern isn't that it's a 5 star hotel. Most parents when they have young children couldn't give a shit about that, and it seems from how lazy and disinterested OPs friends are, the friends certainly don't give a shit. It's all about a cheap or free* holiday.[/quote]
Not free or even cheap when they've got to travel to their friends, spend money on days out etc it's not a free holiday by any stretch of the imagination. Understandably it's cheaper than getting an Airbnb but not by much, and I'm sure the guests wouldn't want to offend their friends by staying at an Airbnb rather than at their friends house

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 17:59

OP you can even present it as saving them half the travel time to visit you. So you'll be doing them a favour.

But I bet anything as soon as you say no to an overnight visit, they will no longer be interested in seeing you (despite it only taking them half the travel time). And then them not being actually interested in seeing you , will then become clear. It might be good to test them like this, because your DH will then see the real truth once they are no longer interested in the 'visit'.

PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 18:01

@unsurereallyx1 If they're getting free food, free accommodation, and being driven about by OP/husband, the holiday is basically free. All they need is spending money.

Bobbins36 · 16/03/2022 18:03

@Booboobibles

It’s so much more difficult for the parents because your house isn’t child-proofed so the kids have to be followed everywhere. I found single friends to be really irritating when I had children because I knew how clueless they were (having been child-free during my twenties).

Also, you called the baby of your friends ‘It’.

What I find quite irritating is parents expectations that the world has to adapt to their little darlings needs and wants. It doesn’t. I would never expect anyone to childproof THEIR home for MY kids or find them ‘clueless’ because they are not tuned into my kids behaviour.
Bobbins36 · 16/03/2022 18:04

@Willowtreegreen

The sense of entitlement on this thread has actually made me really sad. What a generation of entitled, self- absorbed parents we’re turning into. The children are going to be nightmare adults but it’ll be too late by then.
Yep. This 💯
phoenixrosehere · 16/03/2022 18:19

Not free or even cheap when they've got to travel to their friends, spend money on days out etc it's not a free holiday by any stretch of the imagination. Understandably it's cheaper than getting an Airbnb but not by much, and I'm sure the guests wouldn't want to offend their friends by staying at an Airbnb rather than at their friends house.

But they are offending OP who is their friend by trashing her home and not picking up after themselves. Surely, if they are such good friends they would know how OP likes her home and would act accordingly. How difficult is it to hang up your coat when there are hooks provided? Offer to help with tidying up? Making sure your children aren’t making a mess? None of it is difficult (stuff we even learn as children in school!) and if it is then they shouldn’t be staying over and frankly there is little need to stay over for a four hour round trip and if it was as strenuous as they (and some people on this thread) are make it out to be than they could meet OP and her DH half way or DH and OP can go see them but such people don’t want that despite it actually being easier.

HardbackWriter · 16/03/2022 18:48

Surely, if they are such good friends they would know how OP likes her home and would act accordingly.

It's fairly clear they aren't her friends - she says that her friends don't act like this - they're her DH's friends and there seems to be little love lost on either side. Which means they can't have an open door policy, even if that's what her DH wants - it probably isn't fair to say he can never have guests at all but he can't have them so frequently when he and they make OP feel so uncomfortable in her own home.

Coffeepot72 · 16/03/2022 19:17

@Stomacharmeleon your post made sad, i hope you manage to find a little more company

Stomacharmeleon · 16/03/2022 19:29

@Coffeepot72 sorry I am a bit woe is me today. It will pass :)

unsurereallyx1 · 16/03/2022 19:33

[quote PinaColada123456]@unsurereallyx1 If they're getting free food, free accommodation, and being driven about by OP/husband, the holiday is basically free. All they need is spending money.[/quote]
If my friends spent travel money coming to visit me instead of me going to them, I'd be happy to make dinners for them etc :)

unsurereallyx1 · 16/03/2022 19:36

@phoenixrosehere

Not free or even cheap when they've got to travel to their friends, spend money on days out etc it's not a free holiday by any stretch of the imagination. Understandably it's cheaper than getting an Airbnb but not by much, and I'm sure the guests wouldn't want to offend their friends by staying at an Airbnb rather than at their friends house.

But they are offending OP who is their friend by trashing her home and not picking up after themselves. Surely, if they are such good friends they would know how OP likes her home and would act accordingly. How difficult is it to hang up your coat when there are hooks provided? Offer to help with tidying up? Making sure your children aren’t making a mess? None of it is difficult (stuff we even learn as children in school!) and if it is then they shouldn’t be staying over and frankly there is little need to stay over for a four hour round trip and if it was as strenuous as they (and some people on this thread) are make it out to be than they could meet OP and her DH half way or DH and OP can go see them but such people don’t want that despite it actually being easier.

yeah I totally agree that if they are just chucking their coats / belongings around etc that is defo out of order! If this is the case, it's understandable that you wouldn't want them coming frequently. The mess/noise by children etc I understand but just being plain impolite and rude is out of order
PinaColada123456 · 16/03/2022 19:36

@unsurereallyx1 Again, they are getting free accommodation. Which isn't needed for a day visit.

phoenixrosehere · 16/03/2022 19:45

If this is the case, it's understandable that you wouldn't want them coming frequently.

OP has said herself that this is the case when they are staying at their home hence why she does not enjoy having them there.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 16/03/2022 19:51

I have never have friends with kids to stay, I’ve not really got any interest in the kids tbh and my friends accept that and come for a kid free chill out.

aloris · 16/03/2022 23:37

Does he ever actually say "no" to anyone who wants to come stay with you?

Maybe try writing down privately how many visits from guests and family you think you can tolerate, and then how many you actually have. When you negotiate with your husband, tell him how many such visits you really want. When you negotiate over how often to have guests, don't start with the number you think you can tolerate. Start with the number you actually want.

For example, let's say you usually have guests a total of 12 times during the spring and summer. You want zero. You think you can tolerate 3. Start negotiating with zero as you desired number. If you start with three, and his "want" is 15, then splitting in the middle is going to get you halfway from 3 to 15, which is (calculating...) 9. If you start with zero, then halfway between 0 and 15 is about 7. So you'll get closer to your true tolerance if you start with 0.

Another strategy you can use is to educate your guests yourself. Adults are capable of following your rules in your home. When they arrive, you can show them the hooks and cubbies for shoes, and say that you would appreciate it if they could put away their shoes and hang their coats when they come in from outside. And you can have more rules too, whether it's hanging towels in the bathroom, whatever you want. This serves the dual purpose of putting them on notice that you expect good manners involves them respecting your space, and also making the visits very slightly uncomfortable enough that when they contemplate visiting, they might think again and decide to rent an AirBnB instead.

Don't let your husband walk over you regarding your expectations of cleanliness. It's not only his house. Why do his feelings automatically win? You can say, I would prefer that when we have guests they follow THESE rules (present long list) but as a compromise, I have made this list of 5 simple rules. If they don't do these things, then my weekend is stressful and I go to work feeling worse than before the weekend. That's not ok for me.

Is it possible to use disposable dishes when you have guests? That makes a big difference. People might complain "but the environment." Clearly those are the people NOT doing the dishes for houseguests.

aloris · 16/03/2022 23:39

Another way you can do it is to say you absolutely cannot have guests on consecutive weeks/weekends. You need at least one weekend to recuperate, not including weekends where you have to travel yourselves.

lauramaisyday · 17/03/2022 01:14

Charge them the going rate to stay the weekend. It seams there using you as a free weekend away and maid service/nanny. I have a child and I'd feel awkward as hell imposing on people like you have described especially since you don't have kids. It's not right and you are right that they are so entitled. So ask them to pay up they will soon stop inviting themselves... hopefully 😖

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