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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children Blush it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 14/03/2022 17:45

Your posts sound very snide and judgmental, OP, with your inverted commas around their need to 'snack' as though you don't know what it means. We were all small children once. Small children need to eat more frequently- they have small stomachs and use a lot of energy.

If your desire to have a tidy, quiet home at all times outweighs your desire to see your friends, then I guess you'd better not see them. Don't get me wrong - hosting is tiring and an effort, and more so with children, especially if they are poor sleepers. But your attitude sounds more like dislike and disdain for children than mere weariness at the work involved in hosting.

HardbackWriter · 14/03/2022 17:49

This may sound like a revolutionary step but... tell your DH you don't like it? You can't unilaterally say his friends and family can't visit but you can discuss between you how often is reasonable - four sets of guests in three months does sound like a lot.

Squeezita · 14/03/2022 17:50

I just wish people would offer to stay nearby in an air bnb or hotel (of which there are plenty) rather than with us. They must realise they bring a lot of noise, disruption and mess but they don't seem to care. I guess my point is, that I would care. So I'm starting to find it a bit rude. We're not a hotel.

They all sound like cheeky fuckers, OP, using you for a free holiday.

Start telling them you’d love to see them but please could they book into a hotel or Airbnb. You won’t see them for dust.

They’re very happy to see you staying with in laws when you visit because they know THEY will never have to host you.

Squeezita · 14/03/2022 17:50

@Fairislefandango

Your posts sound very snide and judgmental, OP, with your inverted commas around their need to 'snack' as though you don't know what it means. We were all small children once. Small children need to eat more frequently- they have small stomachs and use a lot of energy.

If your desire to have a tidy, quiet home at all times outweighs your desire to see your friends, then I guess you'd better not see them. Don't get me wrong - hosting is tiring and an effort, and more so with children, especially if they are poor sleepers. But your attitude sounds more like dislike and disdain for children than mere weariness at the work involved in hosting.

Or maybe she’s must tired of having to skivvy after people using her for a free holiday.
whumpthereitis · 14/03/2022 17:52

You’re absolutely being used as free accommodation, and that alone would piss me off no end when they’re inviting themselves.

I’m like you in that I would hate this, and thankfully my husband is on the same page so it would be easy to refuse the requests. It sounds like you and your husband have different viewpoints on this though, so you need a conversation to figure out a compromise (no, it’s not on you to just suck it up).

Squeezita · 14/03/2022 17:53

@MyDcAreMarvel

It’s quite telling you say SIL dc rather than niece/nephew maybe spend more time with them. Offer to get up with them one morning , take them out for the day, just make an effort.
So sign up for even more work, as well cleaning and cooking for these people?
EducatingArti · 14/03/2022 18:06

You still haven't said how much of the load your DH takes when you have visitors. He could be clearing up the snack debris in the kitchen, picking up after toddlers, doing the cooking etc. If he thinks it is ok to invite his family, he needs to be pulling his weight.

givethatbabyaname · 14/03/2022 18:17

Aha.

You have made the basic, fundamental error of having spare room(s) in a home in a location people want to visit.

They ARE treating you like a hotel. Worse, because you're not getting anything in return.

It's difficult saying no to family staying, especially when the reason is that you don't want them to/ find them hard work. It's exhausting and mendacious finding "excuses".

You are going to have a lifetime of this. Accept that. In your shoes I would start setting boundaries. Agree with your DH what these are. Then stick to them. I don't think there's anything wrong with "we're busy, but can meet you for the day on [date]" or "we're busy then, how about [weekend when you are away but DH is home]", or simply "I'm afraid I don't have the time to prepare for your visit or get the house straight afterwards that month, I've got a lot on. Can we postpone until my diary's a bit clearer?".

Let them show themselves up to be CFs. And, when they do and if they keep pushing, just stand firm. I have had to do this. It's not easy, and you do second guess yourself, but you have to hold onto the memory of this resentment you feel at being used. You'll only have yourself to blame if it happens again.

MrsDrDear · 14/03/2022 18:18

Sounds like they are not coming to see you, it's the location that's the attraction.

I wouldn't be wasting most of my weekends stuck with visitors on a free jolly.

Speak to your DH and agree on 2 or 3 weekends per year. Any more and people can fork out for a hotel.

Broads93 · 14/03/2022 18:21

Urgh, I feel your pain! All of my friends now have kids and I will do anything in my power not to have them round. Can't deal with the sticky finger prints on my expensive wallpaper or them dropping stuff on my brand new carpets. I honestly can't deal with it.
I'd absolutely stop the over night visits, I wouldn't have then round at all tbh, offer to meet somewhere in the middle of both places.

gannett · 14/03/2022 18:22

We're a child-free couple but a lot of our friends have kids, I love the idea of hosting them but recently it's become fairly hard work.

A few parents seem to have completely lost sight of what normal times are for socialising. No, we can't move lunch to 11 or even TEN in the morning just to fit around your child's naps or afternoon parties. DP said yes to one of those requests once and never again. No, insisting that getting together for lunch be broken up with an outing to the local playground every hour (in the pissing rain) is not reasonable. Last-minute cancelling when we've already cooked and prepared a massive spread just because your child "doesn't feel like it" is hugely rude.

Also, it's always surprising to me that parents don't seem concerned for their children's safety when they get to our very much non-childproofed house? "Run upstairs and explore" - um, no they fucking won't. And then there's the impossibility of holding a conversation without the children interrupting every 2 minutes. And then the children are just plain rude about the food we've made from scratch.

This is a minority of people we know but it's 100% more pleasant to socialise with other child-free friends, or parents without their children attached.

Squirrelblanket · 14/03/2022 18:24

You were bound to get these sort of replies on here OP. Parents are always butthurt that you are not completely enthralled about hosting their young ones.

For me what has worked best is just not doing it. We either do day trips to meet friends with children or we stay in a hotel (find it easier to do this and 'go' to them.)

Sceptre86 · 14/03/2022 18:25

The thing is it is your home as much as your dh's so you should get an equal say and if you aren't enjoying the experience say so, discuss it. Yanbu for feeling the way you do. I don't think the family members you have had to stay sound particularly bad. If I was staying at your home my kids would be up at 7am and I'd take them down to give them breakfast and let them watch TV in the hope that it would disturb you less than us staying upstairs. Tbh this is the reason why I refuse to stay at people's homes with my kids as I don't enjoy policing their behavior when it's just normal kid behaviour (getting excited when playing a game or talking when watching a film) or where the owner doesn't particularly enjoy children. We also have a baby and whilst she will nap in her pram if need be she is more likely to have a shorter nap, get disturbed and then be overtired in the evening leading to tears before bed. I wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone so would rather stay in a hotel.

Your guests are using you as free accommodation for a holiday and if you don't enjoy the experience you absolutely should raise it.

Squirrelblanket · 14/03/2022 18:26

@gannett Your experience sounds similar to mine. 😂

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/03/2022 18:31

@Willowtreegreen In YOUR opinion. Marriage legally binds me to my husband, not his sister and his nephews. no it’s not my opinion it’s factually correct. Like I said I think you are confused about the definition of a niece/nephew.

whumpthereitis · 14/03/2022 18:32

@MyDcAreMarvel

It’s quite telling you say SIL dc rather than niece/nephew maybe spend more time with them. Offer to get up with them one morning , take them out for the day, just make an effort.
Cracking advice for the next time they visit and OP decides she’d like to enjoy the experience even less than she normally does.
Squirrelblanket · 14/03/2022 18:39

The first post from @MyDcAreMarvel just made me laugh out loud.

If you've chosen not to have kids, I don't know why you'd think they want to look after anyone elses. Parents are just desperate to hand the kids off to anyone else under the guise of doing them a favour and helping them bond. We see you and we see through you. 😂

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/03/2022 18:42

@Squirrelblanket I enjoy taking my nieces and nephews out and having them to stay. Most people do. How sad that it would be funny to want to develop a bond with them.

gannett · 14/03/2022 18:50

@Squirrelblanket

The first post from *@MyDcAreMarvel* just made me laugh out loud.

If you've chosen not to have kids, I don't know why you'd think they want to look after anyone elses. Parents are just desperate to hand the kids off to anyone else under the guise of doing them a favour and helping them bond. We see you and we see through you. 😂

The groundwork I did with my friends during my 20s as the kind of person who is Not Good With Children is definitely paying off these days. No one tries to foist them on me. DP being the opposite also helps.
eurochick · 14/03/2022 18:54

Think how hard it is for the parents. This is their life day in, day out. Yes, it is their choice to have children but you are equally making a choice by having them to stay as overnight guests. If you are not happy with that choice make a different one.

cigarettesNalcohol · 14/03/2022 19:04

Bet your friends with young kids love packing up their car with all their clutter to come and stay with you for a 'break' - disrupt the kids routine... have them sleep and behave perhaps even worse than they would at home. Yeah bet they loved it op. What a break it is for them Hmm

Maintaining friendships in your 30's requires effort. You know, the type of effort where you know it will be exhausting but they're your friends and you want them in your life so you are willing to have them stay over. The same friends who have also taken time to pack the whole family in the car, drive 2 hours with young kids and come to stay somewhere that will always be less convenient than their own home.

It's equally exhausting and hard for them too I'm sure. Bet they got home and were wondering how come you're so oblivious to all young children needing naps - that's just how the young human brain works, in order to function.

Being child free is amazing. You can focus on yourself 24/7. Sadly the majority of us have succumbed to Nature's call to multiple ourselves without much thought. Deep down you're right. And rightfully annoyed at giving up your weekend to work around naps... having kids sucks.

And yes, of course, whether they have kids or not, they could make an effort to keep the kitchen clean & sound down to a minimum though... like you would expect from any guest. Perhaps your friends are just bad mannered.

Sounds like you need new friends.

T1mumtobe · 14/03/2022 19:15

YANBU to find guests with young children hard work, but most of what you're saying is unreasonable IMO. You know they can't help that baby cries all night, but you're annoyed with them about it. You resent their young children's need to snack. Sounds like you just really hate children (which is fair enough) but are ranting as though the friends are unreasonable for having them - whether they invited themselves or not, you agreed to it. And you said originally that you were annoyed about being stuck in the house with them all weekend, but then later say they're using you for the destination (mentioning beach, attractions for the kids etc) - so which is it?

And as for the nieces/nephews thing - you described your sibling's kids as "OUR OWN nieces and nephews" implying that they are more to your husband than his own sister's children? They may not be close but he clearly likes having them over so it's a bit rude to suggest they are inferior to those on your side of the family. It just sounds like you don't like his sister/her kids.

whumpthereitis · 14/03/2022 19:47

@eurochick

Think how hard it is for the parents. This is their life day in, day out. Yes, it is their choice to have children but you are equally making a choice by having them to stay as overnight guests. If you are not happy with that choice make a different one.
There’s no ‘but’ though. The bottom line is the parents chose to have children, and as a result of that they have responsibility for those children. Inviting someone to your house (or, in this case, letting them get away with inviting themselves) isn’t an invite for them to do whatever they like in your house, making whatever mess, at whatever time they like.
JudgeJ · 14/03/2022 19:59

@Greentomatoes21

I'm sure your friends aren't having much fun either. It's really hard being away from home with kids, far from a break for the parents, but clearly they want to see you. If I were you I'd lower your expectations, enjoy spending time with your friends and their children, and enjoy when they go home too. Seems a bit of a shame to stop seeing your friends over it. Or as someone above said, limit it to days out and go your separate ways in the evening.
If it's so hard for them being away from home with their kids then maybe they should stay at home until the kids are more manageable! Seems unfair that the OP should be expected to make all the effort for their awful guests.
greef · 14/03/2022 20:09

I wouldn't bet in it being a break for the guests either. We have 2 young DC and staying in other people's (non child-proofed) houses can be incredibly stressful! I'd always rather people came to us tbh

So many posts completely missing the point that these guests INVITE THEMSELVES! So they are choosing this "stressful experience" no doubt because of a holiday with young kids is going to be hard work it may at least be cheap (at someone else's expense!)

@Willowtreegreen if you find it hard to say no then tell them the spare room has been turned into a home office and suggest they book an air b and b or you come to stay near them, if they are lukewarm on the idea you know you're being used and it's not about your company

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