To find having guests with young children hard work?

[Willowtreegreen]

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

@DowntonCrabby

2 hours from his really does not require overnight stays, particularly stays which are putting you out. It’s an hour for you all to meet halfway and spend the day together.

Probably does with young children. Many parents wouldn’t do 4 hour round trip (plus traffic and toilet breaks) in one day.

I think you just have to suck it up OP for close friends and family. It is incredibly hard work having young children as a parent or host but the early years only last a relatively short time. Maybe if you can take a half day holiday or wrack up a bit of TOIL so you can take Monday morning off to recover.

Staying in an airbnb or hotel with children can be a pain in the neck, as you tend to have to pack all the food, even salt and pepper, etc. On the other hand, why is a family with a 9 month old baby coming to see you for your beach home when a 9 month old doesn't know what a beach is, or when they are spending all day in the house because the children need to nap. Also, when we traveled with my infants, I would stay up all night holding them so they wouldn't cry and wake up the hosts. Honestly it was awful but it's polite.

I would spread these visits out a lot more, so that you can recover between visits and have your own weekends to relax rather than playing hostess all the time. 2 hours is not so far that people really need to stay for a whole weekend. Maybe overnight. Maybe. 2 hours is also short enough that it can be just a day trip. Or you could meet halfway. Another thing you could do is set yourself up with some toddler provisions so that you can tell your guests, here are the beach toys and a couple of beach chairs and towels; if they wake up at 5:30 am, just take 'em straight to the beach. When they get back from the beach, they can all have breakfast with you, then the kids can take a nap. Voila, everybody happy.

Another thing you could do is invest in a toddler-proof gate, so that you can cordon off one room to be baby-proofed and have them run riot in there, leaving your things safe in the rest of the house. On the other hand, that might encourage your friends to come stay, on the assumption that you so much enjoy having their children around that you have toddler-proofed your own house!

I do think you need to prioritize your husband's family. Family is not always the most fun to have around but IMO they get first dibs over friends when it comes to using up your store of tolerance for small children.

2 hours isn’t far at all so just do away with the sleepovers or meet them halfway for a few hours

YANBU and l would stopping all of this. Rather than them trashing your weekends and annual leave. It sounds like a nightmare quite frankly of disturbed sleep, messy house, mindlessly sitting around waiting for naps to end etc. In your shoes in many ways l would rather be at work! I know this is a peril of living in desirable places but boundaries are needed

@TooManyPJs

"We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping."

I have never understood why people make this rod for their own (and in some cases as you describe, others' backs). Babies are generally extremely portable. Take them out. Very few babies won't sleep in their pram or buggy. Jesus, I couldn't live like that!

Mine wouldn’t nap in the buggy beyond about 6 months old. Would just stay awake and eventually get quite screamy and fighty. Before 6 months, we would have to walk continuously for him to sleep. Then it’d be our fault for ruining a nice trip out and having a ridiculously overtired baby/toddler ruining the evening. Can’t win!

@Anthurium that’s called childless, not childfree, very different meanings to those two words.

Having people stay in my house would be bad enough, but with kids would be absolute nightmare fuel. It’s never even entered the realm of possibilities for me.

We've stayed with friends & family when ours were small. I would never have dreamed of allowing mine to run riot like that, nor leave mess in your kitchen or anywhere. It's not your friends DCs to blame. It is your friends. They are taking the piss

Unfortunately it puts you off, we've had it from childless friends too & rarely accept visitors staying over anymore unless we invite them. Nobody gets to invite themselves anymore

The thing is, we DO go visit DH's home county and see people, we stay with the IL's though not anyone else. But friends and family ALWAYS want to come and stay with us because we're in a very nice part of the world. I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

This sounds like they are just using you for a cheap break tbh.

I'd say no to anymore overnights and suggest meeting in the middle (1 hour away) to do things or visiting and staying at there's (where at least youre not feeling resentful about mess being caused in your house)

If you don't enjoy it then don't invite them again for at least another 10 years.

Taking small childrens to stay with friends for the weekend is not a break for the parents.

To be honest I think your friends must really value the friendship, I'd find a weekend away with mine hell on Earth staying with a couple who didn't have children.

@Willowtreegreen but neither feel as much for the others as we do our own nieces/nephews. I don’t think you understand what a niece/nephew is. When you are married you are just as much an aunt to your SIL’s dc as your dh is their uncle.

You're not wrong. Having young children to stay (or taking them to stay places) can be a nightmare.

It sounds like the visits aren't working for anyone. You need peace and quiet in your home, while their children need to be able to play and make (reasonable) noise and have regular meals which does unfortunately include breakfast if they wake up early. Small, hangry, bored, tired children aren't any fun. Have a chat to your DH and suggest an Airbnb or hotel next time. But it's unreasonable to expect the parents to visit if you're not happy for them to meet their children's needs...better not to have them at all.

Apart from grandparents, we've always chosen to stay in a holiday cottage/Airbnb with DC when visiting people. It is much less stressful. We always pick one with limited stuff/ornaments and spend the first five minutes moving stuff up high. Though I did once have an awkward email exchange with a (lovely) Airbnb host about where she could find her decorative plate collective when we forgot to put it back .

Reading your update, it could be that they are using you as a free holiday.

Start texting back that your no longer having visitors but if they stay in a local hotel you’ll join them for day trips…I’m pretty sure you won’t see these friends again.

It will quickly sort out those that actually want to see you.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Willowtreegreen* but neither feel as much for the others as we do our own nieces/nephews.* I don’t think you understand what a niece/nephew is. When you are married you are just as much an aunt to your SIL’s dc as your dh is their uncle.[/quote]
In YOUR opinion. Marriage legally binds me to my husband, not his sister and his nephews. If we divorced tomorrow, I'd never see them again (they wouldn't be arsed enough to keep up any sort of contact and neither would I) but he would continue on in all their lives and vice versa so I'm sorry, I don't agree with that at all.

OP,
Visitors are work, no matter how much you like them.
You are having a lot of visitors too.

I wouldn't be happy with people inviting themes to mine.

Sounds like an inexpensive break for them.

Start saying you are busy, have plans, will meet them half way for a couple of hours.

I would visit your in laws a bit more if that suits them, or even offer to swap houses for a weekend with your in laws.

Knock constantly having guests on the head.
It's thankless and it isn't a reciprocal arrangement.

I used to have a lot of visitors and enjoyed it pre children.

Now it happens once or twice a year max.

I don’t think YABU. I have three young children and feel very strongly that we are difficult guests as we have to get up early.

I also won’t currently holiday with other people who have young children, I’m sorry, I’ve no interest in being woken up by them now that mine sleep through.

Meet these people half way maybe, I don’t know but it is hellish.

I think it depends whether you're actually getting a visit with the adults in question or whether the whole visit is revolving entirely around the children.

If you're not really getting time to catch-up with the adults then I'd be stopping these stays and seeing them on their own turf, just for the day.

How about finding somewhere half way between you like a Nat Trust property with gardens. Take a picnic or have lunch there and catch up that way and maybe have them stay just once a year?

Guests or their children should not be running around at 5.45am. It is very reasonable to forbid that.

But friends and family ALWAYS want to come and stay with us because we're in a very nice part of the world. I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

They can want to come, but it doesn’t mean it will happen. I’d apologise and say you’re busy on the date they’ve asked for, but say-but no probs because we’re coming to visit near you on X date, so we can catch up then. It would be bloody cheeky for them to say, ‘oh no, it’s not you we actually want to see, we just want a free weekends near the sea!’. I’d almost force them to say it!

It wouldn’t be happening-sounds like really hard work!

I wouldn't let my dog run amok in someone else's house, so neither would I let my child

When they ring up & say "we are coming to visit" say, "oh lovely, where are you going to stay, if you haven't sorted out accommodation yet, do you want me to see if I find you an Airbnb or hotel list?" Just don't give them them the opportunity to invite themselves

We live in a similarly nice holiday part of the country too & people will take the piss if you let them. We had it too, but put our foot down years ago. Nobody gets to invite themselves anymore & we only invite people who don't take the pee

Are they visiting Fri - Sun? Could they visit Sat lunchtime to Sunday lunchtime instead? Only one night that way and you still have Sat am / Sun pm to do stuff.
Or meet halfway, definitely easier in summer.
And agree boundaries with DH, eg no visitors two weekends in a row or more than twice a month.
Living further away does inevitably mean you see less of people, unfortunately.

@Willowtreegreen I HAVE a young child, and I completely agree with you and think YANBU.

I hate having people with kids come to stay with us. I find the mess, disruption to routine, chaos, and often lack of consideration exhausting. We also live in a coveted area (western Algarve in Portugal) so have lots of "we thought we would come see you" type invites. I now direct to good accommodation nearby.

Equally I prefer to stay in an Airbnb or hotel when we go away. DS is normally well behaved, but not always, and it's awful being in someone else's space trying to manage behaviour without ruining the mood / making them feel uncomfortable in their own homes. Equally DS, like me, needs a lot of downtime- the constant excitement of being around new people in a new space is just so much for a five year old! And DS wakes up crazy early so then I get stressed trying to keep him silent for three hours whilst the rest of the world comes to life at much more sociable hours!

Plus, it's so much work! Changing bedding, cleaning before and after, hosting, getting food and coffees and drinks in, clearing up, etc. it doesn't help I find that so many parents don't clean up after their children!!!! I ALWAYS do!!!

I just had a close friend stay with her six month old. Love my friend to pieces but she is so messy and as a single mother, I think welcomed the break! But for me it meant a lot of extra cleaning and dishes and prepping and tidying... and DH too.

No more!