To find having guests with young children hard work?

[Willowtreegreen]

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

@cigarettesNalcohol

Bet your friends with young kids love packing up their car with all their clutter to come and stay with you for a 'break' - disrupt the kids routine... have them sleep and behave perhaps even worse than they would at home. Yeah bet they loved it op. What a break it is for them

Maintaining friendships in your 30's requires effort. You know, the type of effort where you know it will be exhausting but they're your friends and you want them in your life so you are willing to have them stay over. The same friends who have also taken time to pack the whole family in the car, drive 2 hours with young kids and come to stay somewhere that will always be less convenient than their own home.

It's equally exhausting and hard for them too I'm sure. Bet they got home and were wondering how come you're so oblivious to all young children needing naps - that's just how the young human brain works, in order to function.

Being child free is amazing. You can focus on yourself 24/7. Sadly the majority of us have succumbed to Nature's call to multiple ourselves without much thought. Deep down you're right. And rightfully annoyed at giving up your weekend to work around naps... having kids sucks.

And yes, of course, whether they have kids or not, they could make an effort to keep the kitchen clean & sound down to a minimum though... like you would expect from any guest. Perhaps your friends are just bad mannered.

Sounds like you need new friends.

What a load of excuses! Some of us regularly schlepped our children across Europe and up England but never felt it was other people's job to look after them if we were staying. Packing a car with children etc is only hard if you choose to make it so, on a couple of emergency occasions we were packed and on the road within an hour, oddly they were the times we forget nothing!

Bet your friends with young kids love packing up their car with all their clutter to come and stay with you for a 'break'-disrupt the kids routine...have them sleep and behave perhaps even worse than they would at home. Yeah bet they loved it op. What a break it is for them

Well, if it’s so awful, they should stop inviting themselves to other peoples houses for a holiday then shouldn’t they! Problem solved.

I can’t imagine people inviting themselves to my home like they pay the bills. They would swiftly get the suggestion of the nearest Airbnb/hotel/B&B.

I wouldn’t have allowed them back the first time if the children were making messes and their parents were doing little to stop them.

If my DH wasn’t on board, I would be staying at the nearest hotel while he hosts them.

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC

See, these days I think there's far too much acceptance that children will inevitably make a mess/noise wherever they go, even if they're in someone else's home. I'm a little older than many MNers and this will sound old-fashioned, but I can genuinely remember a time when kids were taught things like to play quietly, and to not make a mess, when they went to someone else's house. I'm not saying the kids always obeyed (of course not!), but at least the standard was set (I don't mean with threats of smacking or anything like that, BTW) and kids adhered to it some of the time which I accept is all you can reasonably expect from small people. But IMO nowadays everyone just seems to be resigned to the fact that you 'can't stop' kids making a noise/mess so you're just going to have to crack on and let them, it's just not true.

Babies are different, obviously, but OP it sounds to me like some of your friends/family aren't even bothering to ask their DC to play quietly/not make a mess, and if so then they're not being the politest of guests imho.

Do you live by the seaside or somewhere equally attractive as a mini break setting? I’m surprised at how many people come to you for a free weekend away. I think you need to meet halfway somewhere the kids can run free, or go the whole hog and travel to your friends. Or just say no to all the overnight freebies.

I don't have little kids anymore and I really can't be arsed with them either.

Maybe the parents miss op and want to see her so they get in touch to arrange a date. And op says yes. Perhaps in the past op has been happy for the families to come to her rather than vice versa. Perhaps the family just want to see her... weird how people here seem to think they are just 'using' op for a free 'holiday'.

It does sound like op's family/friends with kids have poor parenting skills and are being unhelpful by leaving her house a tip but not all families with young children are like that.

Not all families visit relatives in the hope of free childcare. Some families live far from their relatives and long for more contact. Feeling isolated, if they don't get in touch to make plans, they'd never hear from anyone.

The amount of people who can't be bothered to visit when one moves away is flabbergasting. Why doesn't op get an air bnb near the family's house so she can do her own thing during the day naps and retreat to somewhere quiet in the evenings/mornings.

It's a two way street.

YANBU. I think if you know your kids will be getting up and running around at 5.45am and are likely to trash the place, or you have a baby that’s likely to be up all night, you just don’t take them to stay overnight at people’s houses. If that were me I’d get an Airbnb or a Travelodge or something instead.

I don't really understand why you all have to stay in because the child/baby needs to nap.
We've had loads if family and friends to stay over the years - although for the most part we had DC of similar ages - but we always arranged a day out. DCs can sleep in prams/pushchairs whilst you're out or in the car on the way back.

I have no idea whether you plan to have children, but if you ever do, I really hope that you come back and revisit your post, as you'll be able to see it from the parents' POV. In the meantime, I would stop allowing people with young children to stay, as you clearly find it very stressful. Personally, I avoid staying at other people's houses with my kids - it's stressful - their routine is disrupted, they don't sleep well, we have to cart loads of stuff around with us, and (as you've wonderfully demonstrated) people who don't have kids often don't get it - kids need entertaining, snacks, routine etc. - and that's also really stressful in itself. Yes, it's important to be respectful when staying in someone else's home, but a bit of empathy wouldn't hurt either.

Baffled as to why it always involves a sleepover

I think they are all a bit CF's imposing on your home, I mean it's not like they are coming from abroad or anything.

Seriously why all the sleepovers?!

I swear some posters just haven’t read my replies.

I said the people that bring babies inevitably want to do nothing but sit around the house whilst the baby naps. This has been 3 seperate couples in the last couple of years. All couples say their baby won’t sleep in the car/ pram. Has to be in a bedroom. So much so that DH and I now just think all babies must just be adverse to napping anywhere other than a bedroom?! Which is the opposite to what I thought but again, I don’t have children so my knowledge is limited.

The ones with toddlers or slightly older children aren’t welded to the house so much, they do enjoy going to the beach, bike rides in the forest, local kids attractions etc so for them, coming to us is massively entertaining for the children. But then we’ll inevitably get a day when it rains and me brightly suggesting they put their rain Macs and wellies on and we get out regardless because we won’t melt, gets met with not much enthusiasm so we end up mostly staying in on bad weather days and that’s when the kids run riot in the house.

Also, the snack thing wasn’t meant to be snide, I’m fully aware kids need to eat more frequently than adults, but it really is extreme and our days seem to revolve around it. I remember getting the odd biscuit or bit of fruit passed to me between meals as a child but nothing like the platters of food thats presented to my friend’s children and my parents daily life certainly didn’t revolve around it, they’d just take some snacks with them if we were going out. That hasn’t been the case the last few times with our friends, or in fact with SIL and DN’s. Snacks were pretty much meals and so we had to be at home for her to cook them or somewhere with access to food at all times.

To those saying they hope I realise the error of my ways if I ever have children etc, that’s the whole point, I’ve said in a previous post that if I had children, no way would I stay with anyone other than say my parents. Because I appreciate that it IS disruptive. I don’t even like staying with people now, much prefer staying in a hotel with my own space etc. We rarely invite people now because we don’t get the chance- they invite themselves first.

Tell them all politely ....NO

I have a child and had a friend with her 3 over and it was carnage! And I'm used to having children here, and have had 6 at a time on my own, but I found with another adult here with hers, it was her control/management that made it stressful.

Sadly, some parents are very precious over naps, for me, life carried on and baby napped wherever we were. Sometimes it was great other times not so much. But staying in if the plan was to go out isn't fair, imo, if it's been made clear that's the intention.

It's hard when it's only you that has the issue and you benefit from being local to your friends, whereas these visits are more about what benefits your oh. So I think that you're going to have to suck it up. If expect the older children visits to be easier, though they'll eat like hungry horses!

It just depends whether you want to see these people or not. There isn't much to be done about crying babies and toddlers up at 5am. That is what it is like.

It sounds horrendous. I second getting a dog. Once we got a dog we suddenly had much less people (and their children) wanting a free holiday in our lovely country/coastal large house.
What also helps is not having friends with children.
We got nieces and nephews and some we loved, others we didn't bother with. It's not the law that you have to have a relationship with your husbands siblings children. As it happened I loved my husbands niece and nephew more than my own brothers, but hey, there's no law against not bothering with niblings.
The absolute worst suggestion, however, is for a childfree couple who aren't keen on children to "make an effort" and spend time with children. Nothing is more dull, tedious and awful for both the couple and the kids.
Next time, say no. Or get that high maintenance dog who doesn't like kids....

You need to learn to say no. Your house is not a hotel. Just put them off, or suggest a holiday house together somewhere.

It sounds awful to me, OP. Your location and the feeling that people are using a visit to you as a free holiday, yes, that would annoy me, too. They should realise that other people, even aunts and uncles and friends, don't want their lives and sleep disrupted, if they can help it. Do they not understand that they're not the only ones visiting you, so it might add up to several weekends a year for you? Maybe they don't think, but I'm cynical enough to suspect that they probably don't care enough to stop imposing, even if they do realise that it's an imposition.

It's awkward when it's your husband family and friends, especially as you're now further from "his people". I do still think it's fair to limit it, though. Only X number of visits a year. Yes to family, no to friends, possibly, and only as often as you feel you "should". I'd suggest Air BnB to friends and say you'd love to meet up for an outing while they're in the area. When they do visit, leave most of the hosting duties to DH, even to the extent of having things you "have" to do out of the house. If they want to stay inside all weekend, that's up to them, but you don't have to stay with them the whole time.

First, you need to realize that the kids routines have been disrupted by travel. They aren’t sleeping or eating well. Extra snacks and extra effort at nap time often need to happen.

Second, there is nothing wrong with providing people with a list of suggested local accommodations instead of hosting. For people with young children, this may mean you see them significantly less during the visit but the lack of chaos may be worth the trade off for you.

If it's that horrendous then why are you putting up with it time and time again? Are you sure your DP isn't inviting them?
If he is as unhappy as you then simply say no

I don’t know why so many people think OP should have empathy with the parents, they chose to have kids and presumably OP didn’t because she doesn’t want this kind of chaos in her life?!

YADNBU. They’re absolute pisstakers inviting themselves and not even having the decency to clean up after their mucky kids. Tell them it was too chaotic and as much as you’d love to see them, you feel everyone would be better rested if they got a nearby Airbnb. If they then change their minds about visiting then it’ll be obvious they were using you as a free hotel at the seaside!

You can maintain the friendship without having them stay over. You said you do see them when you visit, and meeting in the middle for a day out is a good suggestion. I can’t believe the entitlement of some people here thinking because they chose to have kids, all their friends who don’t have them should have to put up with the disruption and havoc of babies and toddlers. If you wouldn’t let your pet behave like that in someone else’s house why is it ok for children? This thread is making me very glad most of my friends are child free. The one that does have kids usually schedules things with friends when she knows her husband is free to stay home with their son precisely so she doesn’t bring him with her!

Why are they making so much mess? We stayed with family several times when dc were small. When they woke up I would quickly take them downstairs and make sure they had enough to occupy them so they weren't noisy. Any mess made I cleared up and I certainly didn't expect others to work around their nap times.

@LouLou198

Why are they making so much mess? We stayed with family several times when dc were small. When they woke up I would quickly take them downstairs and make sure they had enough to occupy them so they weren't noisy. Any mess made I cleared up and I certainly didn't expect others to work around their nap times.

This completely!! If we were going away for a weekend, which was a hassle for us as well loading up twins, we changed the whole nap/bed thing or just put them in the buggy to nap. No way did we ever hold people prisoner because they were napping. It's a very useful life skill I'm being able to sleep anywhere!!

YABU to call a baby "it"

YANBU. We basically don’t stay overnight (either in our house or theirs) with people with babies/toddlers apart from twice a year with nieces and nephews, as it’s just not enjoyable! Will pick up again with the overnights once they’re 5 or so.