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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:

Timeturnerplease · 14/03/2022 14:27

Why can’t you and DH just go and visit his home town for a weekend every now and then, and catch up with friends with children then? As a parent myself it’s MUCH less stressful having childless friends round to us for lunch/a BBQ etc than dragging small people up and down the country.

WidowTwonky · 14/03/2022 14:30

Maybe you guys offer to go and see them instead and it solves all these issues

Caspianberg · 14/03/2022 14:31

Maybe you just need to ask them to stay in rooms until x o’clock then? Say welcome to come over x day, but we are going to y location so Baby/toddler will have to nap on the go.

I have an almost 2 year old. If we stay somewhere I wouldn’t dream of letting him downstairs to run amok before 7-8am. Even in a private hotel. He wakes early often, but I just take snacks/ drink/ iPad/ books with me to entertain until a reasonable hour. He naps, but would just nap in pram or car on day out so no problem going out all day.

dottydodah · 14/03/2022 14:32

Can they not stay in a nearby Premier Inn or suchlike ? YANBU at all! I think meet up at the house or outside for lunch maybe. They are used to early mornings you are not! As far as babies naps go I see their point,however as you say waiting for her to wake up is difficult .Maybe meet up when shes been fed/napped etc in place of your choice?

JammyCandy · 14/03/2022 14:36

Don’t have them to stay if you don’t enjoy it.

We regularly have friends with 2 young kids to stay & I never clean the house (except for stuff like the loo obviously) for a couple of weeks before they come as it gets so trashed

givethatbabyaname · 14/03/2022 14:37

YANBU. I think it's grossly unfair to inflict small children on anyone other than very willing grandparents, and then only if the parents do all the work.

Peoniesandcream · 14/03/2022 14:48

You don't seem to have a lot of understanding of children, which is fine. But if you want to maintain the friendships perhaps Don't invite them to stay or you visit them?

HappeeinParis · 14/03/2022 14:54

And yes I do feel sorry for the parents, but that is why some people choose to remain child free because they don't want nights of disturbed sleep! I personally would feel bad inflicting that on my hosts so if we had children I would just stay in an air bnb or something.

If you don't want people with kids staying, stop inviting them. Simple.

Original poster

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 14:55

I don't think you can have a true understanding of children until you've had them? I haven't, so no I don't.

The thing is, we DO go visit DH's home county and see people, we stay with the IL's though not anyone else. But friends and family ALWAYS want to come and stay with us because we're in a very nice part of the world. I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

Particularly people with toddler age and above children as we're only 5 mins from the beach and forests, a few children's attractions etc so for them it's pretty much a free holiday in a tourist destination. I guess yes, especially after this weekend, I'm starting to feel resentful. It's not that I don't want to sustain these relationships anymore, far from it. I just wish people would offer to stay nearby in an air bnb or hotel (of which there are plenty) rather than with us. They must realise they bring a lot of noise, disruption and mess but they don't seem to care. I guess my point is, that I would care. So I'm starting to find it a bit rude. We're not a hotel.

OP posts:

HappeeinParis · 14/03/2022 14:58

I think you need to be a bit more assertive, even if you just say "we'd love to se you but unfortunately can't host at the moment" and point them in the direction of a nice Airbnb. If you keep saying yes, they'll keep coming.

stimpyyouidiot · 14/03/2022 15:01

They probably go downstairs as they think it'll be less noise? My dd is full volume in the morning so as soon as she gets up at my mums/friends houses, I take her downstairs so she's not upstairs making noise.

It just doesn't sound like you like having any of them to stay, so don't invite them anymore. It doesn't sound like you enjoy any part of it!

MissDollyMix · 14/03/2022 15:01

YANBU at all OP. I love my friends and family and I love their children. I wish I was a more tolerant and energetic person who could happily shrug off the mess, chaos and sleep deprivation that young children bring but I can’t! I’ve had my children, I’ve done my time, my kids are old enough now that they can sleep through the night and tidy their own mess up. Our lives are really fully in and pressured and I really struggle with small kids in anything other than small doses - my home is my sanctuary and I need that! I could make exceptions a few times a year because as I said I really do love my friends and family but if it was back to back visits like you’re experiencing then no, YANBU.

Caspianberg · 14/03/2022 15:02

Well then say that? Hi x, would be lovely to see you all on x weekend if your coming to the area. We can’t host this time around but I recommend x hotel or y air B and B nearby.

Anthurium · 14/03/2022 15:03

Do you intend on remaining child free Op @Willowtreegreen

I was child free not by choice until had my baby 3 months ago, and yes my time isn't mine any longer. I tell my visitors I can only go out for a couple of hours because after that it isn't enjoyable and I get stressed for any longer.

I'd suggest like other posters it might be best to try and vary the type of visitation - if possible, outdoor meets and some indoors.

It is restrictive but that's what having small, dependent chil/children is like for quite some time.

And although I haven't done any overnight stays yet, I can see myself wanting to rent an air b&b or stay at a hotel as I know how noise/disruption can be exhausting.

ThePlantsitter · 14/03/2022 15:04

I have children and now mine are older I feel the same as you! They are a right old pain the arse. In my case I have mostly inflicted my kids on the hosts too though so it works out.

The kids grow up though and you will have invested effort in the relationship I think you'll be glad for. Maybe space the visits out a bit??

spacehardware · 14/03/2022 15:07

Stop hosting as much. Go and visit them, and stay in a hotel. Make a nice weekend away for yourselves and just spend part of Saturday with them

Caterina99 · 14/03/2022 15:07

I have 2 small children (4 and 6 now so a bit older than the toddler years but still a lot of chaos) and we have never stayed with anyone other than grandparents.

Do you live somewhere particularly amazing? Stop inviting them or offer to visit them instead. Stay in a hotel nearby if you don’t want to stay at their house. Traveling and staying away from home with small children is hard work. Your friends may prefer you to come to them!

DespairingHomeowner · 14/03/2022 15:08

I live in London, my family come for a free weekend out quite often, I just try to roll with it!

YANBU about noise/disruption (but kids are not in that stage for too many years)

YABU about the snacks - kids have small stomachs so mainly do need to eat frequently

I think you might have to be strategically 'busy' a few weekends and try to do things more on terms you feel comfortable with - no one has the right to invite themselves over and if you think its more using you as a hotel vs seeing you I can see why that would be annoying!

cabansunset · 14/03/2022 15:08

Does your DH feel the same amount of irritation towards your guests and their DC or is he more tolerant because they're mostly his friends and family?

I'd be saying you're busy more often to give yourselves a break, perhaps only accept guests once a month or every six weeks?

Kids are exhausting, and hard work, but when they are your own sprogs it's a pleasure and a labour of love raising them....it doesn't feel the same when they're other peoples DC that you have no attachment to (although presumably you are attached to your DH's Bruce's and nephews?)

MumOfDoglets · 14/03/2022 15:08

Totally understand this. Had a friend round with her kids and I'll never make that mistake again. Four days of hell. I love my friend to bits and her kids love mine. But I can't have them overnight again. She's talked of coming back again soon but says she'd stay in a air bnb so maybe she felt the same! I can't function without a decent sleep.

I'm currently being assessed for Autism and ADHD though, I'm quite introverted so might have something to do with it.

cabansunset · 14/03/2022 15:09

Bruce's? *neices

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/03/2022 15:10

It’s quite telling you say SIL dc rather than niece/nephew maybe spend more time with them. Offer to get up with them one morning , take them out for the day, just make an effort.

Thewindwhispers · 14/03/2022 15:12

Well that sounds like a pita. Why can’t you find somewhere in the middle to meetup, ie 1 hr drive for both families?

I’ve never had any guests with young children, big family get togethers are held in ‘neutral’ territory like a hotel or airbnb. Yanbu to not enjoy it!

NurseButtercup · 14/03/2022 15:14

@Willowtreegreen

I don't think you can have a true understanding of children until you've had them? I haven't, so no I don't.

DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children

Before you start banning overnight visits I suggest you share your true feelings with your DH.

Be honest, do you not like these people if you are getting "resentful" of them wanting to "use" your home as a hotel? Wasn't part of the reason behind having a large home, so that you could occasionally host friends & family? I personally don't mind the noise & clutter of children for 1-2 nights because it's not every day.

CremeEggThief · 14/03/2022 15:17

YANBU. It seems to me as if you're hosting too much. Maybe cut down on that at least for the time being, until you feel a bit more energised?

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