To not want to organise friend's hen do?

[Tgbiyr]

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

Will all these 20 want, be available and afford a hen do abroad?

Either she tells you where exactly she wants to go, and do, or she butts out and it's a complete suprise

Sounds like a nightmare to organise and will the organiser (you) be expected to book and pay upfront for everyone then try and recoup the money? If so that would be enough to put me off and I would tell her I didn't have the money to lay out.

Organising a night out where you can just say a time and place is different to trying to book and pay for an abroad holiday with 20+ women. Perhaps the bride should either lower her expectations or plan/pay herself? It's a lot to expect from someone else.

It also depends how cooperative the other guests are. In my experience you will always get one or two who you can't nail down to a certain day or try and hold off paying for as long as possible.

@MichelleScarn

Will all these 20 want, be available and afford a hen do abroad?

No, I shouldn't imagine so.

No way. This has the potential to backfire. It's bad enough to organise a night out let alone a weekend abroad. Just say you can't do it. If she is so desperate for a hen do abroad she can organise it herself.

Sounds like a nightmare to me. I wouldn't want to get involved either. Just say you've never done anything like that before and wouldn't know where to begin. Chances are you'd be out of pocket as well with last minute dropouts (people ill, people pregnant, people changing their minds or double booked). No thankyou.

Are you bridesmaid? Can you just say sorry but you've got a lot on and can't organise.

I think I would say something like:

I would love to help organise your hen party for you! However, organising a weekend abroad is a bit beyond me at the moment due to work/family/other commitments, as I'm sure you'll understand. If you let me know who you put in charge of a weekend abroad then I'll do what I can to help, or I could go ahead and arrange a fun afternoon/night out in X town with Y activity that I think would be great. Let me know!

Would that work?

Oh God this sounds like hell. I think it's a stark choice between getting stuck in or losing the friendship.

I think I would draw up a shortlist of three options that do in fact appeal to you and which are going to be less expensive, and get her to pick one. Then set up the WhatsApp group and just do it. I would be completely directive about it - 'it's Copenhagen, June 18-21, flying from Gatwick. Here's the hotel details, we're doing drinks and dinner Saturday plus a walking tour in the morning and there'll be time to do separate stuff too. I'll need £800 from everyone in 3 months, if there's anything left over I'll pay you back' and hope that nobody will want to go if you make the real cost clear.

But you could be more assertive with the bride. You could tell her that you're happy to organise a top night out and overnight in local city but not a vast shindig with loads of strangers that will cost an arm and a leg.

You don’t have to be so blunt but you do need to say you’ve got too much on and can’t do it. Have you responded to her request or do you still need to?

It sounds like she thinks you’ve agreed to do it so just say something like she’s clearly got something specific in mind and it’s best she plans it herself and either way you can’t take it on as it’s too complicated.

There’s no way to make planning a ridiculous extravaganza like this stress free. It’s inevitably a fucking massive hassle.

Get out now. And if he kicks off you’ll know you were right. The idea of someone trying to orchestrate something like this while pretending to be in the dark is ridiculous. She’s an adult. If she wants a big holiday with 20 people she can do it herself.

Add everyone to a group chat. Tell everyone to pitch an idea. Majority wins.
Everyone helps plan.

Sounds like a nightmare to organise and will the organiser (you) be expected to book and pay upfront for everyone then try and recoup the money? If so that would be enough to put me off and I would tell her I didn't have the money to lay out.

Ahhhh just wondering if bride to be is expecting the 'hens' to pay her share?

This has disaster written all over especially with the amount of people involved. I would either organise something you’re comfortable with or not at all. I also wouldn’t be keen to foot the bill and try and get the money back. This sounds like massive headache.

Pick a location based on flight times, price them up plus hotel. Ask everyone if they are wanting to go. Ask people to book their own flights and hotel.

Suck it up, buttercup. Tips for making it easier:

• Get 2 dates the bride can make
• Find a decent-but-cheap destination. Don't tell the bride if she's that picky. It will be a surprise.
• Set up the WhatsApp group
• Do a Survey Monkey of who could attend which dates (one, either or neither) and budget each person is willing to spend (e.g. up to £300, £300-500 or £500-1000)
• Tell the group the date and budget, then get final numbers
• If it's a package deal, everyone pays you by x date, then you book. No chasing people for money. If they haven't paid by x then they don't go.
• Get a shared spreadsheet on Google for other people going to organise activity/meal/decorations so you don't have to.

No I wouldn't commit to this - sounds like a massive headache.

Tell her you'll organise a night out or a night in a hotel in this country (spa type thing) but anything else is just beyond you bc of work/family commitments. Not to mention the fact everyone may need to have sorted all the covid paperwork hassle.

If she falls out with you over this she's not a close friend either - none of my friends would ever expect me to go that out of my way for them. I organised my own hen do entirely by myself - I didn't ask my MOH to do anything as I knew she had a lot on her plate with work etc.

Up to £300? That would barely cover a night in Boulogne (disclaimer; I love Boulogne). Get a very realistic costing and ask for more than you need, because I would guess a minimum of a quarter of those who sign up will drop out.

I will never understand why brides, who know all the people they want to invite, don't organise their own hen dos. It would be so much easier than expecting a mate to herd strangers around.

Nah, fuck that. Even getting 20 women to agree to a date will be a big enough task.

There are always politics, budget issues, people pulling out which puts the cost up for everyone else. Inevitably someone will suggest a theme night and everyone has to buy tacky outfits and matching T-shirts. Someone wealthier than the rest will suggest paying for the bride too and others will resent this.

I arrange large scale events abroad for work, but would absolutely not touch this.

I think you're being a bit UR tbh.

You describe her as one of your closest friends and you have a year presumably to finalise it all...there are loads of companies that specialise in this kind of thing eg:

www.infinityweekends.co.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAiAprGRBhBgEiwANJEY7FRQ0obkPQh4cu28u5_MUul8gDAij6wSP5-pcpqa_QfIrS2EC6aQWRoC_zwQAvD_BwE

That said, I do think the bride to be needs to give a list of places she does/doesn't fancy and activities she would and wouldn't be interested in, plus some dates and budget as a starting point.

It's a ridiculous amount of pressure to put on anyone! Why can't people just go for a night out anymore?! Eg Sarah's Hen do Sat 20th May at Random Club/Bar etc possibly organise a meal but that's about it.
Times are hard for everyone. I certainly couldn't foot the bill for 20 people's flights/ accommodation overseas in the hope they reimbursed me eventually!
If you ask someone to be your bridesmaid it's because you think a lot of them and want them by your side on your special day. I bet your friend is the type to make you pay for your dresses as well.

It's jot hard. Pick somewhere with cheap Ryan Air flights and cheap accommodation. Add two activities and get a rough price. Send price to whatsapp group and ask who woukd be up for xoming. Delete those not coming from group. You'll probably have less than 10 at this point. It's not so bad.

I organised a friend’s hen in 2019. It was only 20 people in an Italian restaurant but even that didn’t go smoothly because two people didn’t want to pay for the bride so I didn’t know what to do about the bill, another person wanted to introduce sashes and tiaras etc (bride would’ve disliked that) and someone inadvertently offended her by calling the idea “tacky”. Two dropped out on the day but that wasn’t too problematic (there’d be far more dropouts for a £800 weekend away though, and they’d be wanting their money back).

No way would I touch this weekend away OP.

Explain politely that your current commitments don’t allow for arranging it.

Do you even want to go? Can you afford it?

Here you go: early May bank holiday weekend, AI in Fuerteventura or Majorca for just over £300pp with two people in each room. Decorate the bride's room with tacjy bunting, print t-shirts, book a day in the spa on the Sunday and Bob's your uncle.

I'm not a bridesmaid (she isn't having any), and I'm definitely, definitely not paying out and asking people to pay me back.

I will just choose somewhere and send the flight and hotel details into the group (when I set it up). That seems easiest.