To not want to organise friend's hen do?

[Tgbiyr]

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

@another123 of course you can get out of it. You just say no.
Just like op should do
20 plus people abroad. Plus hotels and venues? A fucking nightmare, that's what it would be.

Just organisize a nice dinner and a show at home. And if the bride doesnt want that ,then she should plan something. What a bridezilla. My gosh

I don’t want to say I can’t afford it, because actually if she or someone else was organising it I’d happily go along. I just don’t want to organise it.

I don’t think she’s expecting us to pay for her - at least she hasn’t said so, and that’s absolutely not going to happen even if she did.

If i said no, our relationship would be damaged which I don't want.

She's been on these kind of hen do's before so sees it as her 'turn'. She would also have organised this for me had I wanted it.

I'm hoping that so many of the hens won't be able to afford it that I can suggest to her a day out locally instead.

YANBU. I have organised four hens and it is the very definition of a thankless task. If you’re already unenthusiastic about it then it is going to be a total non-starter. People will complain if it’s too expensive, but will also expect plenty of food and booze and fun activities for an impossibly low budget. People will drag their feet about committing and fail to reply to messages and forget to pay you. People will drop out and cause you headaches with the budgeting. It’s a serious commitment and not one that anyone should ever have forced upon them.

People (myself included) always moan when these kinds of things are organised by an overly enthusiastic, bossy bridesmaid who calls all the shots and plans a load of ‘organised fun’ but honestly I think that’s sometimes the kind of energy that’s needed to pull off a hen like this! If you aren’t prepared to be that bridesmaid then you are going to find it really really hard.

Two options I can see for you that will hopefully allow you to preserve the friendship:

1. Have an honest conversation (face to face or at least on the phone, not via text) with your friend where you tell her you are feeling really anxious about committing to this, that you are really not sure you can pull this off all by yourself, and asking her to find someone else (ideally multiple someones) to either take over completely, or to organise it together with you as a committee. If she puts someone else in charge you’d be happy to help with some details e.g. finding restaurants for dinner or researching activities to do, but you can’t see yourself doing it all alone. If you were my friend I’d understand completely and would be horrified that I’d ever asked you to do something you weren’t totally 100% happy to do.

2. Make the WhatsApp group as requested, then ask the group for volunteers to help organise the hen with you. So you stay in charge but your role becomes to delegate, delegate, delegate. Divide and conquer. It’s too much for one person to do alone.

And insist on the bride giving you some input into where she wants to go. Tell her you’re not prepared to organise an expensive weekend away to a destination you’re not even sure she’ll like. Either she picks somewhere or she gives you a shortlist to decide from. Or you ask the group for suggestions and then put them to her and insist that she chooses one of them.

Good luck, it’s an absolute nightmare and I really feel for you!

@Tgbiyr

I don’t want to say I can’t afford it, because actually if she or someone else was organising it I’d happily go along. I just don’t want to organise it.

I don’t think she’s expecting us to pay for her - at least she hasn’t said so, and that’s absolutely not going to happen even if she did.

What do you feel comfortable saying?

That you’ll help out if she takes ownership of it?

That you can’t help at all?

That you’ll help only if the plan changes to x number of people/dinner out not holiday abroad etc?

In an ideal world you’d say “I cannot be arsed to organise this, DF” but if you can’t say that then what will you feel comfortable saying?

(You don’t need to answer me! You just need to figure out your terms/boundaries for yourself before you reply to her)

@Tgbiyr

I don’t want to say I can’t afford it, because actually if she or someone else was organising it I’d happily go along. I just don’t want to organise it.

I don’t think she’s expecting us to pay for her - at least she hasn’t said so, and that’s absolutely not going to happen even if she did.

Then tell her that you need her maximum budget for their weekend so you can use that as a starting point to look at destinations and plans.

That'll reveal whether she even plans to pay for the circus weekend herself.

Hopefully she'll have been hoping that others will pay for her and say £50, in which case Pizza Express it is

I just don't understand why any one should be expected to spend all the energy and time needed to organise something like this, when they don't want to. I would say no, I haven't got the time. A pp said 'suck it up buttercup' I would be affronted if a healthy normal person asked me to do a weeks shopping for them, never mind a task like this. Why do weddings have to involve loads of unpaid work for other people. I have friends and would give them help if it were needed, but this is ludicrous!

I just don’t want to organise it.

This is a fully sufficient reason to not do it.

If you are not happy to follow the lead of the other bridesmaid and just not do anything, have a F2F conversation to clarify that having looked into it, you are not confident that you can do a good enough job.

She obviously deserves the best so you must regretfully decline.

I'm with you; I hate organising hen dos. Every one I've done, I've got Chilli Sauce to find the destination and events (you give them a brief) and then everyone pays on the website directly. If all can go you should get the bride's place free.

'Hi bride to be. My solution would be to pick a hotel in a city and let them all organise themselves. If this is amenable to you I'll do that. But anything else is going to be beyond me so I'll leave it with you..let me know if you want me to do that, which to be fair, you could just do yourself so that you get the hotel and city you want?'

Whatever you do do not pay one penny on behalf of anyone else.

It is astonishing on MN the amount of threads where people have paid in advance for something and not been refunded.

I would do at the very most send @AlisonDonut's suggestion above and let the bride receive the "I can or can't make it" texts directly.

I used a company to organise mine ... their are special companies that just do this... they were amazing... I rang them , said what I wanted, they gave me a few options with the price and even set up individual accounts so people paid their own deposits and ticket prices , I just had to supply email address and everyone had to activate accounts /payment and submit paperwork by xyz date

@Moody123

I used a company to organise mine ... their are special companies that just do this... they were amazing... I rang them , said what I wanted, they gave me a few options with the price and even set up individual accounts so people paid their own deposits and ticket prices , I just had to supply email address and everyone had to activate accounts /payment and submit paperwork by xyz date

Isn't that an extra expense?

I feel your pain. I think the bride is being unreasonable, whats wrong with a night out? I always find that when people decide to do something...eg get married, have a baby etc that it is everyone else around them that has to then spend loads of money and stress to organise things for the occasion, when imo if you decide to get married or have a baby it should be that person who organises the hen doo or baby shower and pays for it.

Set up the WhatsApp, tell people what she wants and see how many could afford it, not many I would think with all the extra money for the increase in bills we have to find

Then if enough say they don’t want to go tell the bride and organise something else

If they say yes then ask for someone to organise as you can’t

Isn't that an extra expense?

Financially yes. Mentally no. If someone asked me to organise a hen do abroad and "no" wasn't an option, that is exactly what I would do.

Although IMO "no" is always an option.

What the bride is asking is too much and quite selfish.
Why are so many brides,in this economy with the pandemic and Russia,wrapped up in themselves they cannot see many people can't afford these expensive weekends or don't want to go for whatever reason.
By all means set up and WhatsApp group with some suggestions i.e. a day out in your county doing an activity followed by dinner or just afternoon tea plus detailing what bride has asked for but saying everyone needs to be honest upfront rather than agreeing then pulling out.there will likely just be a few who want to go away and you can give them the job of organising it and you will organise what the majority can afford/want to do.
Don't take it all on yourself,it's too much,delegate.Tell hens they can dm you if they want to as some may be too embarrassed to publicly day it's to expensive.
Hope it all works out.
Maybe other brides to be will read your post and reconsider any massive expectations they had themselves.😀

Sounds hellish. I tried to organise 8 people for a hen do in a UK city. 3 ended up sulking / not talking to me because they thought the restaurant i’d chosen was “too high end” and another couldn’t go to that restaurant because couldn’t go in the lift up to it (fear of lifts).

I will never organise a girls night out ever again!

I thought bridezillas were bad enough in the U.S., but these UK bridezillas are jawdropping!

Time for a hard talk with her. Let her know that everyone was excited to help organize it when they thought it was a practical event that didn’t involve passports, COVID testing and flights. She isn’t taking everyone’s financial situation or their work or family commitments into consideration, and it’s not just impractical, it’s not going to happen. If she wants her lovely trip overseas, she needs to think about that for her honeymoon, otherwise she’s going to end up disappointed by the lack of involvement from her friends and their resentment. Show her some of the Bridezilla threads on here and the enevitable blow ups.

She's already being a nightmare by not bloody telling you where she wants to go. Trying to organise 20 people is a nightmare. And if your don't know them, even worse. Wouldn't touch that with a barge pole. Tell her that you'll help her but don't feel up to the job

Rip the plaster off and text

"Dear Bride2b

I spent days looking into it, but I can't organise a hen do for up to20 abroad. (I can and would help you to arrange a meal out in a (local town) for you! That's my organising level!).

It's making me feel sick and very stressed out trying to organise something so huge and outside of what I feel comfortable arranging. You've said no to what's been suggested already and even that was too hard .

(b2b name), you'll need to ask someone who can organise these things well, or even you could arrange it, as you've a clear idea of what you want.

I'm excited to see what is found as am interested in coming to celebrate with you if it's affordable,

Much love @Tgbiyr xxx "

Then if she complains that you're backing out... you go emotional blackmail back-

"But I can't do it right and couldn't live with letting you down"

"It was making me ill. You're such a good friend I know you wouldn't want me throwing up with stress over this"

"Thankyou for understanding... (even if she's not, keep telling her she is understanding..) ... as you've so many family and friends who could do this for you better than I could"

@Ikeptgoing

Rip the plaster off and text

"Dear Bride2b

I spent days looking into it, but I can't organise a hen do for up to20 abroad. (I can and would help you to arrange a meal out in a (local town) for you! That's my organising level!).

It's making me feel sick and very stressed out trying to organise something so huge and outside of what I feel comfortable arranging. You've said no to what's been suggested already and even that was too hard .

(b2b name), you'll need to ask someone who can organise these things well, or even you could arrange it, as you've a clear idea of what you want.

I'm excited to see what is found as am interested in coming to celebrate with you if it's affordable,

Much love @Tgbiyr xxx "

Then if she complains that you're backing out... you go emotional blackmail back-

"But I can't do it right and couldn't live with letting you down"

"It was making me ill. You're such a good friend I know you wouldn't want me throwing up with stress over this"

"Thankyou for understanding... (even if she's not, keep telling her she is understanding..) ... as you've so many family and friends who could do this for you better than I could"

This.

Don't touch it with a barge pole OP. I got lumped with this task once and it was hell.