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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to organise friend's hen do?

183 replies

Tgbiyr · 12/03/2022 21:33

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

OP posts:
pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 13/03/2022 09:28

I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

What would happen if you do what your other friend has - which is nothing - considering her own family CBA to organise something?

I'd do nothing and if questions were asked respond with, "sorry, to busy with XYZ, you need to ask your Mum, Sister, Cousin, Auntie, future Inlaws to sort it.

MintyFreshBreath · 13/03/2022 09:33

IF I did this and it’s a massive if, I would kick off the discussion with finding out how many people actually want to go. I personally wouldn’t want to go abroad as I wouldn’t have the money to do so. I loved my hen do which was afternoon tea at my sister’s then an escape room. Then we went back to our respective rooms to get into our glad rags for cocktails, dinner and a nightclub (optional) I’d estimate most people spent around £100.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 13/03/2022 09:34

Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do I wonder why they aren't...? 🤔

RampantIvy · 13/03/2022 09:43

Create a WhatsApp group for all the hens and include the bride. Then ask for suggestions. The bride will be able to see who really wants to go, and who says it's too much bother/too expensive.

Maybe a reality check will make her re-evaluate her expectations.

Although, I would in reality say "no, I'm not organising it" in the first place.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 13/03/2022 09:44

I would try organise it for her even if it causes stressful problems.

RampantIvy · 13/03/2022 09:46

@EmeraldShamrock1

I would try organise it for her even if it causes stressful problems.
I don't think you have been on mumsnet long enough to read all the hen do threads Smile.

If you had you would be advising the OP to say no.

Feedingthebirds1 · 13/03/2022 09:48

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

OP rip the plaster off quickly, it's less painful in the long term. Tell her you can't do it, it's too much. It might affect your friendship, but so will trying to organise a do for 20+. You will have sleepless nights, get totally stressed, lose money from those who say they'll come and say they'll pay but don't, have to field all the complaints about it's too expensive/too hot/too cold/too far/the hotel doesn't cater for their specific dietary wants (I'm not talking needs eg gluten free), etc.

She is showing all the signs of becoming a bridezilla, however much she might not have been a 'zilla' anything in the past. Save yourself the stress and heartache and tell her you won't/can't do it.

KosherDill · 13/03/2022 09:50

What a nightmare and how entitled of her to expect this.

Just decline on grounds of being busy / covid concerns. No one is owed a trip abroad with giant entourage.

billy1966 · 13/03/2022 09:51

Sounds a bit CF territory to me.
Has she ditched the bridesmaid idea to save money?
I would be saying I couldn't afford it and just completely get out of it.

I haven't a single friend that I would consider doing this for!

Some of my friendships go back more than 45 years.

I think she is hugely presumptuous.

Must be my age but I would have zero interest in going away with 20 women, some of which I don't know, much less pay a grand for the privilege.

WildfirePonie · 13/03/2022 10:00

The other DF isn't stressing or organising anything. Why should you. I'd feign ignorance and say you thought other DF had it covered.

ittakes2 · 13/03/2022 10:15

Ask her partner where he/she thinks she would like to go. She does sound like a pain though

CrustyCrackers · 13/03/2022 10:19

Just crack on and organise it @Tgbiyr you miserable cow
Just jokingGrin
Hell would freeze over before I got involved in this
What happened to just going to a pub for a few drinks?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 13/03/2022 10:24

For my own hen night, l organised 20 friends to go to Pizza Express. That was carnage cos some people drank others only had soft drinks ...nightmare.
Wouldn't touch this with a bargepole.

Maireas · 13/03/2022 10:31

@CrustyCrackers

Just crack on and organise it *@Tgbiyr* you miserable cow Just jokingGrin Hell would freeze over before I got involved in this What happened to just going to a pub for a few drinks?

Social Media.

Echobelly · 13/03/2022 10:35

No way - I'm quite an organised person but I think I'd baulk at organising something like this for a large group of people who I don't know. I could probably handle, say, 6 people most of whom I knew but coralling 20 people would be a nightmare.

Maireas · 13/03/2022 10:35

This sounds like a complete logistical nightmare, difficult, expensive, stressful and lose/lose.
She wants a big holiday with events, but it has to be a surprise. It has to be a certain kind of destination, with certain kinds of events. 20 different women are going.
If you enter into this, you will be either brave, bonkers, very time rich, very cash rich or a combination of the above.

WhoIsBernieBrown · 13/03/2022 10:51

Tell her to organise her own bleddy hen do!

sorryforswearing · 13/03/2022 10:59

I wouldn’t want to organise it but wouldn’t you only book once you have received payment from everyone. That’s what happened last time I was invited to a hen do abroad. It ended up being cancelled because of covid. The organiser had paid with a credit card and refunded us once she was refunded.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 13/03/2022 11:00

I'd create a WA group
Do a survey monkey asking the questions:
I am happy to go aboard YN
I prefer Uk
Uk within 0-50 50-100 miles
My budget is:
0-100
100-200
200- 300
300-500
500-700
700+
Number of nights avail 0-2 2-3 3-7

Then hopefully results will come back
Uk
100-200
2nights
0-50
You can then give the B2B the survey results.
It could all backfires of course. Grin

ImInStealthMode · 13/03/2022 11:22

Fuck that noise OP. If she wants to go abroad for 3 days instead of a simple night out then she has to pull some weight organising it, and she needs to pay her share instead of loading in onto everyone else. She also has to be prepared for a very small hen do, with everything going up at the moment I'd be surprised if many are willing to commit.

I'm getting married this year and honestly cannot even fathom asking this of any of my friends. They've got their own lives to manage.

Inertia · 13/03/2022 11:32

I would go with telling her you can’t afford to go on a hen do abroad, so she needs to ask one of the people who can afford the trip to organise it.

KosherDill · 13/03/2022 11:45

@Inertia

I would go with telling her you can’t afford to go on a hen do abroad, so she needs to ask one of the people who can afford the trip to organise it.

Yes, this.

Ivyonafence · 13/03/2022 11:49

Oh hell no

KosherDill · 13/03/2022 11:49

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

For my own hen night, l organised 20 friends to go to Pizza Express. That was carnage cos some people drank others only had soft drinks ...nightmare. Wouldn't touch this with a bargepole.

And imagine once it gets into who is sharing rooms with who, disparities in room amenities/views, food issues such as allergies, veggie etc in selecting restaurants, managing activity preferences taking into account everyone's financial situation,managing covid testing requirements, etcetc

For 20? Not inna million years.

Another123 · 13/03/2022 12:04

I am doing this too OP but I'm MOH for a close family member and can't get out of it 😭

I'm stressed already and haven't set up the whatsapp group yet. Get out of yours if you can!

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