To not want to organise friend's hen do?

[Tgbiyr]

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

I’ve just had to do do this exact thing for my friend. She was also adamant it needed to be abroad. She wanted sunny weather/beachy vibes (which is tricky to guarantee at the start of April).

It’s pretty much planned now, but I will warn you it’s been a total nightmare. We also had covid travel restrictions to think about as they were all very present when we were booking and everyone was panicking!!

I’ve chosen a city in Spain for the hen (3 nights) - hopefully we might make it to the beach for half a day if the weather stays good but ultimately without the bride really telling you what she wants, it’s really hard.

I wish I had backed out tbh. The whole thing is thing has given me sleepless nights and horrible stress.

What I will say is that I let people choose to fly from the airport closest to them. Because organising 20 people’s flights would be ridiculous.

Oh and people will drop out!! It’s a bloody nightmare

What could go wrong?? Can I encourage you to read a few 'omg im organising a hen do and it's killing me' threads on here? The key thing is that people are going to drop out, which completely throws the finances. The holiday listed above for the 'up to 300' level is 384, plus the activities haven't been included yet, plus getting to the airport, plus spending money. Who has £500-600 to spend on someone else's wedding, 3 weeks before the actual wedding which is also going to cost them an outfit, travel, present and possibly childcare? Almost nobody - and certainly not 20+ people. And life changes - people get pregnant, engaged, ill, move jobs and countries.

You're already finding that the bride has completely unrealistic expectations- the perfect hen do in her head which she is expecting you to guess. frankly it makes me a bit concerned about the marriage

You're doing the right thing thinking in terms of a package that people book or don't book and which doesn't change price with the numbers. But I think not doing it would be better....

Who is going to book the bride’s flights/hotel though?

I honestly think you should tell her you can’t be in charge of organising it.
She might be a bit annoyed but you have no obligation to do it. She can’t expect people to do bridesmaid work without even making them bridesmaids.

She can book her own.

This expectation from brides these days is ridiculous.

Ohhh godddd…you have my utmost sympathy. I would HATE to be in this position as I could not be fucked to take this on at all. I have ADHD and find organising myself and my family for the day to day basics a real challenge, never mind 20 women going abroad for an activity filled hen do that I’ve got to put together. Horrifically detailed and time consuming, it would send me to bed with a pillow over my head.

As an asides, if I did take it on (I wouldn’t, I’d risk offence and a fall out by shirking out of it claiming to be too busy or whatever) - I’d be putting bridey straight on the ‘guess my perfect hen weekend then make it so’ approach. I’d have her pinned down to exactly what it is she wants or she can do one.

Do all 20 potential hens know each other?

I wouldn’t even want to go on this never mind organise it. There’s no way all 20 people will make it. You’ll end up with 8 or 9 if you’re lucky. Here’s a website that does hen weekend packages. Just pick one of these. You have my sympathy 💐

www.loveholidays.com/sem/hen-weekend.html?WT.mc_id=pgo-68371957879-kwd-301448549744&ch=gen&gclid=CjwKCAiAprGRBhBgEiwANJEY7MlOZT6y05RA6awn9CwqRAGLsN1tGp6F-lfAS62a26yocLpEFoK-ShoCvoEQAvD_BwE

What if you tell her you can't afford a hen do abroad so it it's abroad you won't be able to go and someone who can go will need to organise it?

Tell her you have tested the water with a few in the group and they all think the carbon footprint/cost is too large for just a weekend. FFS.

I'd either lie and say I couldn't afford to go myself, so I'm fucked if I'm organising a jolly for others.

Or totally wig out and tell her I'm out of ideas, and she's vetoed everything, and so should go with a more creative friend who is on her wavelength as that's clearly not me.

The stress is just too much.

This would be my idea of hell and I'd make a real mess of it. I'd rather risk losing a friend than get involved in this.

It'll never happen. Dd was given the task to try and organise the same, they set up a group chat to which half the people (bride's friends from uni who dd doesn't know) didn't respond to messages about dates/destinations etc.

In the end they gave up and booked a night away in the uk - they've booked hotel rooms and just put dates in the group and said if the others want to come to book it themselves.

Yanbu. Sounds like a nightmare and tbh I doubt half of the 20 want to go. I suspect that's why no one wants to organise this. You could be left serious out of money as suddenly everyone not want to go. I'd back away from this

Just tell her its a job for a best friend not you.

A nightmare of a job.

The number of people who say yes and back out is huge on these things.

Tell HER to pick a flight and hotel and those that want to go book directly and pay.

THAT will focus minds.

She is presumptuous to ask this of anyone IMO.

Say No asap and kill it.

OP listen to your instincts and run.

I like the suggestion of just saying you couldn't afford it yourself.

This sounds horrific, I wouldn't want to go let alone organise it. The number of threads on MN already, where someone is being expected to shell out for a trip they can't afford because of a bridezilla, and now we're heading for the biggest shock to living costs in a generation - if she desperately wants this type of do she can arrange it herself.

Sounds like a logistical nightmare, that could easily leave you out of pocket, as a few always pull out and don't pay. I had to organise 2 small separate hens, as everyone moaned about the type/cost/distance. Next time (if there is one) I'd just go for a few drinks and a meal.

Just a thought: with the insane rising costs of living, are people even going to be able to afford a weekend away?
And personally, if I'm going to spend a few hundred £s, I prefer to use that money for my family, not a piss up abroad for a load of women.
Just something to consider if people are having to cut back, struggle to save, not want to waste so much on a hen weekend in these difficult times.

Frankly I couldn’t be bothered to do it, and would just tell her that you’d love to go but you don’t think your admin skills are up to it.

But if you must do it, this is where an old fashioned travel agent (they do still exist) might be your best bet. Finding flights online might prove tricky-because if 20 people book online at the same time it might shoot the prices up and then people will start bitching. Go to a travel agent explain your situation and get them to give you a quote for 20 and then get everyone to pay them within 48 hours. That way your not holding any money and if people do want to drop out, they’ll have their own contract with the agent rather than asking you for money back etc

Ok so a weekend abroad will be around £650 - £700 per person (ridiculous for a hen) - is she ok with this. Tell her she HAS to choose the place. You will message everyone telling them dates & place with a hotel suggestion. You’ll book a restaurant for one night when you have confirmed numbers (give a deadline). But that’s all you can do. It’s just too stressful for you to organise everything!

Barcelona could be good as it’s close to the airport and lots to do.

She’s asking in effect for a party that will cost around £14,000 - insane.

Just message her and say, "I'm really sorry but this hen abroad, is too much for one person to organise. I also haven't heard from friend X. I haven't got the time, head space nor the money upfront to plan something that big at the moment. How about something local e.g. drinks and a meal instead?"

I'd just plan a Butlins adult weekend. It's cheaper than abroad and you don't have tonwprry about flights. If she has said a few drinks somewhere would be fine but she would prefer a weekend abroad if possible, this might be a happy medium.

So in effect everyone has to book their own flights & hotel - you can’t be in charge of anything but telling them the place, date & restaurant!

I'm very organised in my work/home life but would never get involved in organising anything like this. Other people behave badly when someone else is organising/the are not directly liable for the cost. I also totally agree that "abroad" hen and stag dos are totally ridiculous and I wouldn't go now even if it was my closest friend - I'd just say that it's too expensive and I can't spend £1000 on your wedding plus hen do. At least 50% of the earmarked guests will feel this way but they might feel pressured to keep the friendship and back out nearer the time. Just make your excuses step away. If you think it means you might lose the friendship, I can guarantee you that the attitudes you have already described from the bride will make you re-evaluate it anyway over the course of the organisation period if you take it on!