To not want to organise friend's hen do?

[Tgbiyr]

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

@SallyLovesCheese

I think I would say something like:

I would love to help organise your hen party for you! However, organising a weekend abroad is a bit beyond me at the moment due to work/family/other commitments, as I'm sure you'll understand. If you let me know who you put in charge of a weekend abroad then I'll do what I can to help, or I could go ahead and arrange a fun afternoon/night out in X town with Y activity that I think would be great. Let me know!

Would that work?

This is good, but tweak so you suggest a couple of people to do the latter with.

This assumes she is w close friend. Is she in your top 3 to 5? If so then just bow out.

When is the hen do meant to be for - this year? Why, if getting married next year?

I’ve spent sooo much on other people’s weddings over the years. Now in my mid 40s and not married but with my OH for 20 years. This expectation to spend loads of money on hen’s do abroad not to mention the cost of a present, accommodation if the wedding is out of town, outfit, etc is just crazy. It’s fine if you’re up for a weekend away with 5 or so close mates but 20 women. Sounds like hell. You’ll end up like a Kevin from Motherland where everyone will ask you what’s happening next, how does this work… It’s not my house!

@SwedishEdith

When is the hen do meant to be for - this year? Why, if getting married next year?

No, it's going to be next year.

@Tgbiyr

I'm not a bridesmaid (she isn't having any), and I'm definitely, definitely not paying out and asking people to pay me back.

I will just choose somewhere and send the flight and hotel details into the group (when I set it up). That seems easiest.

Erm...it all seems easiest until something goes wrong. Good luck with that.

What could go wrong with that plan?

21:41SallyLovesCheese

I think I would say something like:

I would love to help organise your hen party for you! However, organising a weekend abroad is a bit beyond me at the moment due to work/family/other commitments, as I'm sure you'll understand. If you let me know who you put in charge of a weekend abroad then I'll do what I can to help, or I could go ahead and arrange a fun afternoon/night out in X town with Y activity that I think would be great. Let me know!

Would that work?

** Hi OP. I agree with this user's advice. It's very wise. What a tricky situation. Having organised 2 hen dos, they're very tricky. Many people can't commit to x,y,z for a night out, let alone a trip abroad. Say something similar to what this poster said above.

I am honestly reading this with my eyes bugging out of my head thinking "what the f***ck?" There is not enough money on God's Green Earth nor enough pain medications in all the pharmacies of the planet to persuade me to coordinate a hen do for twenty ladies in some mysterious region of Europe that cannot be named because it is so awesome that the Bride must reject all the places that can actually be named first.

Just say you can't do it!

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

Don't go abroad if she's not bothered. I very much doubt that even half of the 20+ women she wants to invite will want to commit to a weekend abroad costing £300+.

Could you tell her it’s causing you massive stress and adding to that is her indecisiveness about where she’d like to go? If she gave you a list of 3 to choose from would that help do you think?

The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

Tell her she has to decide what it is that she would like to actually do. Phrase it as you want to make sure she enjoys it.

She sounds like a bit of a pain in the arse though. Asking someone to arrange your abroad hen do is a big ask, bit entitled to ask you to take total responsibility.

She sounds demanding and her expectations are high to think 20 ppl would fund a holiday abroad for her when the cost of living is rocketing. I'm guessing she will want everyone to cheap in for her. I'd make your excuses your not even a bm.

I wouldn't organise a hen weekend ever again...even if I was being paid!! BLOODY TORTURE! Yanbu @Tgbiyr

I would say

“Lovely DF, I have always been happy to help plan your hen do with other people, but I simply can’t be the person in charge - and I know it will end up being me not DF2. Can we sit down one evening and go through it all together? I’ll help you research and plan stuff but I think you’ll need to be involved in the WhatsApp and be chief organiser, and I’ll help you.”

@Tgbiyr

What could go wrong with that plan?

No-one books except you

@Flickflak

Shouldn’t the bridal party organise it? No way would I organise it if I wasn’t close enough to be asked to be bridesmaid. If you are a bridesmaid, be directive with the others and split out the tasks. Be blunt with the ride and say unless she has a specific overseas idea in mind you will book local as you are running out of time AND prices are going up. Ask her how much she thinks her friends can really afford. No point organising a weekend everyone will say no to.

There are no bridesmaids, so she had no bridal party to rely on.

The bride’s expectations are completely unreasonable but the bit that really makes it untenable is that she clearly has views about the destination (otherwise she wouldn’t have rejected suggestions already) but she now expects you to take full results for selecting the destination. If she doesn’t like it, the whole thing is a disaster before the plane even takes off and it’s all your fault.
If she can’t accept that that is an unreasonable pressure to put on someone then she is a total bridezilla who must be told no. She needs to agree to decide on a country and to be in on the WhatApp discussion
at the very least.

That doesn’t sound like it going wrong, @TheHoptimist

This sounds a total recipe for disaster, not least due to the number of people involved.

I’m another of the opinion that Hen parties abroad are a ridiculous amount of money that many don’t actually want to pay, or can’t afford.

Personally I find it arrogant and self indulgent expecting friends who don’t necessarily all know each other to commit to a holiday together that they would not do under other circumstances.

How on earth you are expected to logistically book and handle this for a large party is absurd. But when it actually comes down to it only a fraction of the supposed twenty will actually agree to it anyway.
There will be loads of grief and falling out in the process.

Why are you organising it? Can you team up with the other hens to sit and plan it together. I personally wouldn’t do anything like that for someone. Because when I’ve done similar, it’s under appreciated and I never get the same level of thought back. Is she a good friend to you, would she do the same if it was your hen?
On another note, getting women to agree to a date just for a meal is a ball ache let alone a hen do abroad!

So many red flags here.

1. It does not sound like the 20 people can actually afford the hen do abroad.

1. Cost of living is about to increase a lot in the UK over the next 12 months. This could prove problematic if people agree to £x but then can't afford it later when the deadline to pay comes up.

1. If you are going to go ahead with this use a package holiday (BA is good). This allows you pay a small deposit (£150 to £300) and lock in the prices of the flights and accommodation (which I am sure will materially increase by next year).

Just curious,

But is the bride to be pushing this because she wants to have a hen do abroad funded by the group?

My "Bridezilla" radar is going off now.