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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to organise friend's hen do?

183 replies

Tgbiyr · 12/03/2022 21:33

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

OP posts:
FlouncerSIT · 14/03/2022 08:05

How come you've ended up with this nightmarish task anyway? What's the maid of honour or chief bridesmaid (or whatever the term is now) doing?? And if you've ever had to try to organise a meeting for a couple of hours with half that number of people, you just need to multiply that hassle by about a thousand to get an idea of just how stressful it would be...

nancynoname · 16/03/2022 22:23

Who are all these selfish, self absorbed, rude people who expect/demand that other people should waste their time and resources on them just because they choose to get married? Thank god I don’t know anyone this entitled.

It's even more galling in this case as the BTB doesn't want to use HER money by having bridesmaids and the associated costs, yet expects people to spend all their money on her.

I'd be telling her no. If she wants this ridiculous extravaganza then it's on her to organise it and fund it.

Ikeptgoing · 18/03/2022 08:53

So @Tgbiyr
Did you say no to organising the hen holiday abroad for 20 people for your friend (whom you are not even a bridesmaid for. )

All these helpful suggestions And no outcome from OP 😩
Or even an indication what she decided to think about or do...

DockOTheBay · 18/03/2022 09:30

@rookiemere

Pick a location based on flight times, price them up plus hotel. Ask everyone if they are wanting to go. Ask people to book their own flights and hotel.
Thats already quite a lot of effort to go to, especially if everyone then says they can't make it
Original poster
Tgbiyr · 18/03/2022 13:41

I set up a WhatsApp group, screen shot the flights and sent the link to the hotel, and told people to book if they wanted to come.

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 18/03/2022 13:42

Is the bride in the WhatsApp group?

Original poster
Tgbiyr · 18/03/2022 13:57

She isn’t. She knows when and where though and has booked.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 18/03/2022 14:14

I am with Nancy on this one!!

"Who are all these selfish, self absorbed, rude people who expect/demand that other people should waste their time and resources on them just because they choose to get married? Thank god I don’t know anyone this entitled.

It's even more galling in this case as the BTB doesn't want to use HER money by having bridesmaids and the associated costs, yet expects people to spend all their money on her.

I'd be telling her no. If she wants this ridiculous extravaganza then it's on her to organise it and fund it."

billy1966 · 18/03/2022 14:31

OP,

Perfect.

Now deflect ANY and ALL questions from the rest of the group regarding details.

Make it VERY clear my bit is done and I will not be organising anything else.

By doing what you are done they will think you are the lead organiser, so be crystal clear on this.

Your organising ended with the WhatsApp group, flight and hotel details.

There will be people who will try and make you point person on this.

Resist at all costs.

crispmidnightpeace · 18/03/2022 14:39

@Tgbiyr

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

Don't forget to organise all the covid tests and travel visas. Lol as if! Tell her you can't fit this in around your work and she needs to organise it herself.

She obviously wants to be pampered but sorry, you're an adult and you don't get pampered unless you pay for it or your partner who loves you more than anything does it.

She should really grow up in my view and what she's demanded you do is something I would not do even for money. It's administration and it's hell.

berlinbabylon · 18/03/2022 15:07

@Thatswhyimacat

I will never understand why brides, who know all the people they want to invite, don't organise their own hen dos. It would be so much easier than expecting a mate to herd strangers around.
Totally agree. I didn't even know this was a thing until a few years ago. I organised my own, nobody offered to do it for me!

Went to a friend's hen do last weekend that her sister organised but it was lunch/activity/pub meal - very sedate and relatively easy to sort out. Surely if you want a weekend away you organise it yourself?

AllOfUsAreDead · 18/03/2022 15:13

She wants a weekend abroad? Princess can organise that herself then.

Leave it all to her. If she's going to be that precious and must have a hen do abroad (why anyway?!), then she can organise it.

Yerroblemom1923 · 18/03/2022 16:25

I organised my own, went to a club, invited my closest girlfriends, told them the price, they bought their own tickets, great night.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 18/03/2022 16:28

@Tgbiyr

She isn’t. She knows when and where though and has booked.
Have you booked it? I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole, you're braver than me
VickyEadieofThigh · 18/03/2022 16:51

@Chloemol

Set up the WhatsApp, tell people what she wants and see how many could afford it, not many I would think with all the extra money for the increase in bills we have to find

Then if enough say they don’t want to go tell the bride and organise something else

If they say yes then ask for someone to organise as you can’t

Even then, my (long) experience of big dos - even just meals out - is that loads of people enthusiastically say they want to come and then loads drop out.

I'm with those who say just say you can't do it. If you decide you will, do not pay for anything up front - do the 'everyone books their own transport and accommodation' thing. And don't even think of paying a deposit on a big group meal or other activity, because you will end up out of pocket.

I'm part of a large group having a weekend get-together in Scotland this year. We're all booking our own transport and accommodation but the organiser has booked a room and a meal (which we all pay for on the night). I'm already laying bets on how many will drop out...

Kite22 · 18/03/2022 17:05

I voted YANBU but I actually thing YABU for not being willing to say "Sorry mate, but if you want something complicated, and very specific for 20 people who don't even know each other,, then you can organise it"

How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do)

Not being ready to say 'no' to an unreasonable request is never going to end well.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 18/03/2022 17:09

Do t pay out for anyone just suggest flights and hotel and it’s up to them to book

Original poster
Tgbiyr · 18/03/2022 17:26

Thanks everyone, but it’s all sorted now.

Booked hers, @pussycatunpickingcrossesagain? No, she has.

OP posts:
Ikeptgoing · 19/03/2022 05:19

@Tgbiyr _ I'm glad you 'sorted it. ' Can't tell though whether you said no to organising abroad hen do for 20+ people ie the reason you posted your OP. Or what you decided on.

Flatandhappy · 19/03/2022 05:38

It sounds like you found a good solution but she also sounds like the kind of person who is going to expect a whole lot of stuff planned when you are there. Personally I would pre-empt that and tell her that you will book one thing, maybe first night dinner, so many weeks out once you have numbers but that maybe she should ask another people to be responsible for other events if she wants them. What you don't want is her (and all the others) looking at you expectantly wondering "what next".

waitingfortea · 19/03/2022 05:52

Have many people booked it @Tgbiyr ?

Flickflak · 19/03/2022 06:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

autienotnaughty · 19/03/2022 06:58

I would do it as would not want to let friend down. First I would speak to bride and say "Do you want to choose destination/activities and let me know what they are or are you happy with surprise?" If she chooses surprise I would pick something you think would suit majority and don't tell her. Then tell the group, give date and approx price ask for confirmation/deposit by certain date. Once cash is in I'd book hotel/flights but task other friend with booking activities. That way she's responsible when you get there. "Oh df2 arranged that, you need to speak to her" which means once your there you can enjoy being part of the group.

Original poster
Tgbiyr · 19/03/2022 12:16

[quote Ikeptgoing]@Tgbiyr _ I'm glad you 'sorted it. ' Can't tell though whether you said no to organising abroad hen do for 20+ people ie the reason you posted your OP. Or what you decided on. [/quote]
If you read my posts you would know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tgbiyr · 19/03/2022 12:17

@waitingfortea

Have many people booked it *@Tgbiyr* ?
25 so far. Really quite looking forward to it now.
OP posts:
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