To not want to organise friend's hen do?

[Tgbiyr]

I know I probably am being, but I simply can't be arsed.

She is one of my closest friends and she's getting married next year. Initially, there were several of her family members and friends queuing up to organise the hen do, and we (another friend and I) were to help them. I thought/hoped I'd be able to coast the whole thing since the rest were so enthusiastic.

Anyway, nothing has been done so DF has specifically asked DF2 and I to organise. A few drinks somewhere would be fine, but she has her heart set on a long weekend abroad (always been the plan since her fiancé proposed). I simply can't be arsed to organise it. There are 20+ women she has asked us to invite, and wants us to set up a WhatsApp group chat to organise it (without her). DF1 hasn't done anything, and has never orchestrated even a night out since I met her, so I know it's either I do it, or it doesn't get done.

But organising 20+ women to go abroad on the same flight, to the same hotel etc fills me with dread. I can't be bothered. I have suggest a couple of places (abroad) to the bride. She doesn't want to go to them but doesn't say where she wants to go. The same with activities that she wants to be organised, but she vetoes any suggestions

I'm absolutely not her closest friend, close though we are. AIBU to not want to do it? How can I either get out of it (without saying 'sorry, I love you but I simply can't be fucked to organise this', which would upset her greatly and I won't do), or alternatively organise it with the least stress and hassle possible?

Having just gone through this nightmare I would suggest you find a.villa in Airbnb in a country with cheap flights, pick the dates (having agreed with bride beforehand), give details to all hens and they can come or not. Get deposits (non refundable asap). You book villa and they book their own flights. Saves hours and hours and fucking hours if batshit whatsapp conversations.

@Barnowl25 villa is a nightmare though because costs change as people drop out ( and they will).

Cancellable hotel with folks organising their own rooms and room shares means OP won't lose money.

A tricky conversation with your friend the bride now would be much better than hours of work looking into options that will probably end up not being feasible due to low numbers of people committing and stumping up the money.

If she wants a hen do abroad she should at the very least be on the whats app group to see if people are up for that, and contribute throughout to planning it.

I've never understood why "hens" can't organise their own hen dos! It's not their friends responsibility. I would just be honest with her if she wants to go aboard then she has to plan the majority of it.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You don’t have to be so blunt but you do need to say you’ve got too much on and can’t do it. Have you responded to her request or do you still need to?

It sounds like she thinks you’ve agreed to do it so just say something like she’s clearly got something specific in mind and it’s best she plans it herself and either way you can’t take it on as it’s too complicated.

There’s no way to make planning a ridiculous extravaganza like this stress free. It’s inevitably a fucking massive hassle.

Get out now. And if he kicks off you’ll know you were right. The idea of someone trying to orchestrate something like this while pretending to be in the dark is ridiculous. She’s an adult. If she wants a big holiday with 20 people she can do it herself.

I agree with this OP. I think there are ways of declining this responsibility without being upsetting. I would have an honest and frank chat with her, and explain that you love her, and want to be part of this, but you just have too much on at the moment to shoulder the whole task. I would feel exactly the same in your shoes, filled with dread.

Alternatively, are there a couple of other friends in the equation who you are also close to? You could set up a small WhatsApp group including the bride, and one or two carefully chosen others, and send a message outlining the above- that you really want to help make this happen, but for a variety of personal reasons, you just can't head up the operation at the moment. If they don't respond with kindness and offers to help, I'd really have to wonder how good a friends they really are.

I really really struggle with this whole culture around weddings and hen dos, where adult brides suspend all their knowledge of their friends incredibly busy and stressful lives, and suddenly expect to be fawned over like a princess. I organised my own very modest and local hen do, because I just didn't like the idea of putting the onus on my lovely friends. Plus I was 36, and grown up enough to do it myself.

£300 isnt slot for flights and accommodation abroad for a couple nights. I would have 2 options, the inclusive price and ask everyone.

As the Best Woman 4 of us went to Barcelona for 2 nights which was easy but not cheap. Then a big night out in our home city.

Please say no. I’ve had to organise a friends hen do abroad that I can’t afford to go on. It’s been hell. So many opinions, trying to keep it affordable (ha!) while meeting high expectations. Booking things abroad are so hard especially as we are going to Spain and everything has closed for the season and opens the week before the hen. I can say from my end it’s affected our friendship- the bridezilla attitude of ‘I want’ I deserve has made me see my friend in a different light. Expecting people in the midst of a cost of living crisis to essentially pay for you to go on holiday is beyond selfish.

I can't believe she's decided not to have bridesmaids but is still expecting a random guest to organise a twenty person hen do abroad. Hilarious

I would organise something in the UK. There are some brilliant group venues. Here's one in Norfolk:
www.thefirepitcamp.co.uk/

It takes out some of the logistical difficulties and people being unable to travel abroad at the last minute.

Can you suggest a weekend away in the U.K. instead? Not sure where you are based, but this company in the North have loads of options of houses that are idea for hens. You can get them to arrange a chef, afternoon tea, spa activities too. Looking at around £250 per head depending on what you do, then catering on top.

celebrationcottages.co.uk/henpartyhouses/

You need to say it's a mammoth task for one person and she needs to ask two other friends to help as you are feeling overwhelmed.

Hen dos can be so bloody stressful to organise. I also don't think a good friend would just expect you to do all this on your own....

Hen do organising in the UK is still a lot: bride could and should lead this herself.

Just plain on a weekend in the UK.

The entitlement of some people is immense. She clearly expects that her share is paid by the people going. Do not pay upfront - people will drop out and not pay you. I've just been on a weekend away myself that ended up costing over £50 more the day we went as someone dropped out. If its abroad, this could be way more and you will end of paying it. Just be honest and say you cannot manage it.

Sounds like a total headache. So glad this was never a thing when my friends were getting married. Expecting your friends to go on a holiday abroad as well as attend your wedding which can also cost a small fortune is the definition of arrogant and entitled behaviour.

I think I'd either just say no, or tell her she needs to decide what she wants to do and let you know.

Another thought: ask the 20 invitees whether they'd be up for a weekend abroad? Rather than present it as a done deal. Destination is often a factor and who of the party the others know. If there's no interest you can suggest a weekend in the UK at a big house or failing that a night out in a bar!

This is far too much for you to take on. I would just say you cannot do it and I agree with others who said a hen night in uk is just fine and easier for everyone. What is it with going abroad for a holiday. So expensive especially now when people are struggling to pay bills. I had a friend years ago and she wanted two separate hen nights which I think is just so selfish and all about her. Was never into hen nights years ago as just not for me and I used to love a good night out but always found them so forced and tacky.

Nope ... just done it... was a nightmare
Loads of late drop outs
Everyone that went seemed to turn into a child, needing to be told where to be and when and no intuition to book cab, expecting me to sort it all out
These are all women over the age of 30!!!
Never again

Red Panda good advise and bet everyone would prefer a night out locally without all the expense and hassle. If Bridezilla wants to go abroad tell her to go with her mum and sisters or sisters in law for a few days.

Sounds like a nightmare, can't you instead compromise on a night away in the U.K., everyone books into the premier inn themselves (or in 2's arranging that themselves) and you simply book a restaurant and take a deposit for that, balance paid on the day?

Don't do it.

Six people you know, in this country? Yeah. But as the numbers get bigger it just gets out of control.

I did one - once - for 22 people and we only went to a town in the UK but it was before WhatsApp so over email. Everyone agreed and committed to it - budget, location, hotel. Then some people decided they'd drive not get the train, even though the train stopped in their town and they'd said they wanted tickets and so I'd bought the tickets and paid for them (never paid me back). Lots of complaints about the hotel after it was booked. Did any fucker step in? No. Complaints about the food, the bar, the club. Two people never paid me for the hotel either which was about £50 each. And I did chase but I only had an email address and they blanked me at the wedding itself which really made the day shit. I could have said to the bride these 6 people owe me money but it didn't seem fair on her. She's still mates with them.

There are various companies who do this for you.

Chillisauce is one. Last night of freedom is another.

If you have to organise then you do it though a company.

I have been in your shoes and have done this ....asked after having given birth to my DS. It was stressful and definitely messed up our friendship for a while. Being an event planner/travel planner for 20 people you dont even know fully is at least a part time job.

The problem if you do it, you'll feel stressed and resentful, if you do it any different to what she wants, she'll be unhappy.

If you say no, she'll be hurt and possibly act like you dont care about her big day.

Its a rock and a hard place situation. Saying that, my friend and I have moved on an our friendship is back on track.

Can you say you won't organise it as you won't be able to afford to go anyway ?