It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

Have you confirmed with the trampoline place how many you are allowed to invite/supervise? This might be very easy to solve if you're only allowed to supervise 5, for example.

Year 3 is a “stop and drop” party round these parts, no reason for the mum, or importantly, the boy, to stay. I would word the invites to strongly suggest that?

Invite Sarah and don't go to the bounce place? Go somewhere he can't come.

Cal you arrange a lift for Sarah, not sure why her mum has to attend?

She’s going to have to not invite all the girls, but then what happens if the twins just so happen to be there on the day anyway.

Option 3

I would invite Sarah and just accept that John might turn up too. I think it would be quite unfair not to invite Sarah

Yep just check how many can be supervised.

Even then though, if its open to the public mum is 99% going to bring John regardless. Because john is going to be saying how come Sarah gets to go trampolining not me

Yes the fourth option is a different venue! And a drop off party.

I'd just invite Sarah and if the mum decides to bring John and pay for him then it's up to her to supervise him. If he hurts any of the guests you ask her to intervene and get him under control. Simple enough. Or you take the party somewhere the public can't attend.

If you go to the bounce place I think you have to just accept mum might bring the brother, you can't police this.
To not invite one girl just because her brother might be brought along by mum would be awful.
Or you could do as another has said and offer lifts.

I think unfortunately you already know the answer to this. It would be unfair to exclude Sarah and you can’t ask the mum to not bring John to somewhere where any member of the public is allowed.
The only thing you can do is change it to a private venue (sounds like it may not be possible… and John might still be brought along). Or you will just have to watch John’s behaviour at the time and intervene or get his mum to.

Sorry OP, sounds horribly awkward but I don’t think there’s an easy solution.

We have a similar prob with my DD. Everything one twin does, the other must also do. I sort of understand it, but my DD is friends with girl twin, not boy twin. Can you meet at your house and drive all kids to venue? I guess twin Mum could still hate crash though, so weird!

Invite Sarah and say to mum “if it makes it easier, happy to take Sarah for you and then you can have some 1:1 time with John”.

But otherwise 3.

@TheNextCaroleMiddleton

Year 3 is a “stop and drop” party round these parts, no reason for the mum, or importantly, the boy, to stay. I would word the invites to strongly suggest that?

I think that might be more difficult at trampoline places because the policy might be one parent per child/set of siblings. I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone else's 7/8 year old at one of these places.

The idea of offering Sarah a lift (if you can) is a great one “why don’t we take Sarah so you don’t have to drag John along and you can do something just with him as a treat”. Unless she is completely naive their mum will understand the message.

Ah, offering Sarah a lift! You clever people.

Invite sarah but say to the mum you can take sarah and drop her home after as you understand it must be hard with twins and then she can spend some time with John
The only problem is she may say "oh it's fine I'll take her and bring john as he loves it there"

Cross posted with everyone saying the same! Slow fingers this morning

Option 3, you’d be very unreasonable to tell the mum she can’t bring John along if the venue is still open to the public during the party. Either deal with the behaviour as it happens or supervise the party kids more closely yourself so John doesn’t get a chance to upset your child.

Another option is to not invite Sarah and a couple of the other girls.

I like offering a lift though. But then you’re stuck if she says no. Unless you then are just totally honest with her.

Option c.

We had a boy like this in Y3 and he turned out to have various special needs that were taking a while to diagnose. His mum was great and intervened whenever he was affecting others. It would have been miserable for him to miss out on parties. (Or his twin if he had one).

Wow that mum is very rude! Make it clear it is just Sarah/girls only.

I have twins and always encouraged some separate friendships … they weren’t joined at the hip!

And why do parents stay at that age!

Maybe John behaves badly because he's jealous that his twin gets to go to the party rooms and all the extra he doesn't get? Perhaps it's just 'acting out' because he doesn't understand his own emotions.

So I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest inviting John AND another boy that he also likes and would play well with. Or chat to mum and suggest she does takes a friend for him - explain that DD just wants girls there, but you understand that it's hard with boy/girl twins when one gets to do something really fun. Or offer Sarah a lift there and back so mum/John don't have to go.

I realise this might not be affordable but it might just mean that John - who'll undoubtedly be there anyway - behaves better.

It is really hard with twins, far harder than ordinary siblings I think because they are so, so close.