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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

288 replies

MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 07:43

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 12/03/2022 08:24

I would go for the climbing as it is likely to be more closely supervised by staff and even if he is there he will be sent away if he bothers them, plus his mother would need to actively supervise him. I think you can't guarantee that if at the trampoline Park he won't turn up anyway.

Darbs76 · 12/03/2022 08:24

Do you need parents to stay? Can you let the mum know she can drop her daughter off and come back to collect at x time as you have enough supervision. See what she says to that

User4099642 · 12/03/2022 08:24

Invite Sarah and state very clearly parents are not to come. From year 3 this would be normal
You can only tell parents not to come if you are giving the children a lift. I wouldn't drive to the trampoline place, drop my dc off, drive home then drive back. I'd just stay and read my book.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/03/2022 08:25

I’d offer to take Sarah and emphasise how great it would be for her to do something 1 on 1 with John.
If she refuses and she brings him then I’d let her know every time he is being rough and expect her to intervene.

Workinghardeveryday · 12/03/2022 08:27

Mum of 11 year old boy/girl twins here.

As you can imagine the twins have been invited to a LOT of parties over the years! I think the mum is being very cheeky bringing John along really. It’s gate crashing and rude.

On the occasions only one twin has been invited we just made a fuss of the other, Costa etc.

Other mums have either said directly to me that they were sorry boy isn’t invited but it’s girls only, or the invite said so. If she brings John along when the invite clearly states girls only she is bang out of order.....

Lunificent · 12/03/2022 08:27

Do you know a teenager you could invite to help you at the party. They cou,d spend most of their time marking and distracting John.
Alternatively, do something else entirely.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 12/03/2022 08:28

Could you make it a 'girls allowed' party, so invited day something like A girly party, pink invites, make it clear it's a girly day, no boys allowed?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 12/03/2022 08:28

Does Sarah go to the boys only parties?

(What about bowling? Then even if Mum brings John, they will be in another lane)

gogohm · 12/03/2022 08:29

4th option, offer to take Sarah and supervise - if mum doesn't have childcare she has to bring the brother, you can "help her" but offering to take Sarah and drop her home

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2022 08:29

So what is John’s mum doing while he is busy strangling his classmates? Honestly, if you are inviting all of your DD’s female classmates you can’t leave poor Sarah out, but if John comes along and acts up I would be having very firm words with his mother!

Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 08:31

It’s hard because it’s different to a parent bringing a sibling along to a private hire type party- I can’t police the members of the public that come.

There is actually a girls only party of one of the other girls in the class at the trampoline place tomorrow morning so I am going to see if Sarah and John are there and how it goes.

Those asking about whether parents have to stay- an adult is required to supervise under 16s, and yes ok it isn’t a 1-1 requirement but all the ones we’ve been to so far, parents will stay in the cafe, have a coffee and chat or bring a book etc. Seems to be the done thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 08:31

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Does Sarah go to the boys only parties?

(What about bowling? Then even if Mum brings John, they will be in another lane)

I don’t know as I haven’t been to any of those but Sarah doesn’t strangle people and also maybe John doesn’t get invited
OP posts:
lemongreentea · 12/03/2022 08:31

be honest with the mum and tell her you dont want her son there as he is not well behaved and ruins it for everyone else.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 12/03/2022 08:32

I don’t see how you can exclude John if his mum’s paying separately for him, he’s not attending the party rooms and it’s a public venue?

Why not hire a private venue or have a bouncy castle at home and say you’re strictly limited for numbers so can’t accommodate siblings?

Baaaa · 12/03/2022 08:32

@PinkSyCo

So what is John’s mum doing while he is busy strangling his classmates? Honestly, if you are inviting all of your DD’s female classmates you can’t leave poor Sarah out, but if John comes along and acts up I would be having very firm words with his mother!
I agree with this, EVERY single time slowly escalating to "YOUR SON IS RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE SORT IT OUT".
Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 08:32

@PinkSyCo

So what is John’s mum doing while he is busy strangling his classmates? Honestly, if you are inviting all of your DD’s female classmates you can’t leave poor Sarah out, but if John comes along and acts up I would be having very firm words with his mother!
Sitting on her phone Sad
OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 12/03/2022 08:33

@MarinoRoyale

Option 3, you’d be very unreasonable to tell the mum she can’t bring John along if the venue is still open to the public during the party. Either deal with the behaviour as it happens or supervise the party kids more closely yourself so John doesn’t get a chance to upset your child.
This!

Also, there may well be other children there who are equally as boisterous - after all, it can be a nightmare in soft play!!!

Baaaa · 12/03/2022 08:33

I don’t see how you can exclude John if his mum’s paying separately for him, he’s not attending the party rooms and it’s a public venue? I'd a random stranger kept coming up to them and strangling them and being a pain then it would be fine to ask a member of staff or the child's parent if identifiable to do something about it. There's no need to not enforce the same boundaries just because they are related to one of the attendees.

Baaaa · 12/03/2022 08:34

Sitting on her phone send her a WhatsApp message each time?

Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 08:35

@Baaaa

Sitting on her phone send her a WhatsApp message each time?
Grin
OP posts:
Wnkingawalrus · 12/03/2022 08:35

It’s a public venue. Really nothing you can do so just invite Sarah.

Even if you say drop kids at X and pick them up at Y, there’s nothing to stop John’s mother from taking him and paying for entry.

PinkSyCo · 12/03/2022 08:36

Sitting on her phone

I thought as much. Busy pretending she doesn’t see that her child’s playing up and hoping that other parents don’t confront her about his behaviour no doubt. I hate parents like this. Angry

Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 08:37

@Baaaa

I don’t see how you can exclude John if his mum’s paying separately for him, he’s not attending the party rooms and it’s a public venue? I'd a random stranger kept coming up to them and strangling them and being a pain then it would be fine to ask a member of staff or the child's parent if identifiable to do something about it. There's no need to not enforce the same boundaries just because they are related to one of the attendees.
I know this is true and correct, I’m just a bit of a wuss and don’t want to cause conflict and ill-feeling. I mean John’s mum must obviously know what he’s like. I’ll probably be more likely to take the “Ooh John please be careful, we don’t want anyone to get hurt!” With a pointed look at Mum Grin
OP posts:
LimeSupper · 12/03/2022 08:37

I’d just tell the mum clearly that it’s girls only.

“We’d love it if Sarah could come to Gertrude’s party at X venue on Y date at Z time. Gertrude is really looking forward to seeing Sarah! It’s a girls only party. Obviously I just wanted to message you separately about that because we know you also have John in the same class and I’m so sorry if that’s inconvenient at all. We are happy to help by supervising Sarah at the party so you can drop off if that makes it easier? Gertrude just really wants a girls only party this year, they’re so grown up already. Thanks for your understanding, let me know if Sarah can make it by X date.”

Something along those lines? Just message the mum.

whatajuckingfoke · 12/03/2022 08:41

I don't normally go in for gender stereotyping but I would go all out on the 'girls party' theme. Make it really clear it's a girls only thing. Invites saying things like 'X's girls day out!'

My eldest is a similar age and no you can't just drop and go at these sorts of venues. Church hall party yes of course, but not at a trampoline place. And you shouldn't have to change your venue because of this!

I would also put a note on the invites saying 'sorry, we are unable to accommodate siblings'. Everyone knows that it's a public place and you actually can't stop her bringing him and paying BUT this should make it very clear that this isn't welcome. If she then asks directly then you can explain. But hopefully any normal person would take the hint!