It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

@rebekuh

Option three

He may be boisterous but he's a little kid.
Dont be so childish and teach your child to be nice and inclusive

Keeping my fingers crossed that you don't have a daughter who you teach this too.

I've not read the full thread OP! But I read your update that you are a teacher.

I think if you do go ahead and invite all the girls plus Sarah, I would probably go into teacher mode in terms of supervising John. I would spend some time hovering near the kids (as opposed to chatting with the parents). At the first sniff of John being a pain in the butt, I'd put on your best teacher voice* and firmly tell him No. And repeat if necessary. Basically parent him if his mum isn't going to. His mum probably won't notice if she's in the cafe area on her phone, but if she does, so what. You're not going to be screaming at John, just pulling him up on any and all bad behaviour.

*Disclaimer: I'm not a primary teacher but my mum is so I've picked up a good teacher voice which I have occasionally used at softplay etc with boisterous kids with ineffectual parents!! Good luck OP

I think if you do go ahead and invite all the girls plus Sarah, I would probably go into teacher mode in terms of supervising John. I would spend some time hovering near the kids (as opposed to chatting with the parents). At the first sniff of John being a pain in the butt, I'd put on your best teacher voice and firmly tell him No. And repeat if necessary. Basically parent him if his mum isn't going to. His mum probably won't notice if she's in the cafe area on her phone, but if she does, so what. You're not going to be screaming at John, just pulling him up on any and all bad behaviour.

Do you seriously expect a teacher to step up into professional mode to discipline a child that was not invited to the party, on her DDs birthday

Have you always been such a push over

Umm, I am not a pushover! Nor am I a teacher. But yes if there is a rogue kid at softplay/trampolining etc harrassing my kid or their friends then yes I will tell them to stop it.

Ofc you tell them to stop it, but suggesting that as a strategy for dealing with an difficult uninvited kid, you put the onus on the OP to parent him, when she has enough to do is really unfair. It's the lads mothers fault anyway. That's her job & she needs to be told she can't just rock up with him uninvited & let him spoil the party

It sounds like climbing or going for the wider circle of friends are the solution.

As for "teacher voice" my son had a joint party once with a friend whose mum was a teacher (probably at a similar age) and she did use her teacher voice and they all sat and listened while they completely ignored me

@Sally872

Not inviting Sarah can't be an option.

Speak to the mum ideally to offer a lift to Sarah so John doesn't come and if that doesn't work then say can you keep an eye on John if you are taking him bouncing as last time he was a bit too rough for my dd and she is a bit nervous about same situation again.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Start tactful - but if you need to then be honest that his behaviour at previous parties makes him unwanted

What's with all the 'poor John' comments? Bollocks to John quite frankly!

I'd go with option 5 - just invite a few plus it will save you money.

Oops, first time I’ve ever commented on a thread before reading all of it (as I was just ditto another poster)
And now I see there was more info about space in car etc so sorry - and I won’t do that again!

But now I’m voting for the invites for split class/Brownies friends
Hope your daughter enjoys her party

I don't see the problem? If John ends up coming and behaving badly, tell his mum to go sort it.

But why should you have the worry of an unruly kid turning up and having to deal with the mother when you really don’t have to?

Your focus should be in the birthday girl and getting food cake etc ready, not having to watch a child that wasn’t even invited.

@Mojoj

I don't see the problem? If John ends up coming and behaving badly, tell his mum to go sort it.

Even if the mother actually steps in and parents her DS when asked, which isn't really sounding likely, it happening once is still going to marr the DD's party. Most likely the mother won't really step up, will half-heartedly tell her DS off and then go back and stare at her phone some more while he does it again.

I think this is the option that OP is going for ?
1. Invite half the girls from one class, and half from the other class/brownies etc. Therefore Sarah not invited but also not excluded.

Quite a few of us suggested a version of this- this as DD wants this trampoline place for her party; DD herself is worried about inviting Sarah as it means Twin John will turn up and barge into the play part of the party anyway and DD does not want him there; class politics are you can't invite all the girls (or all the joys) in a class and leave out one, you have to invite partial of the girls (leaving out 3+ girls, preferably more) to do that.

Ahhh I remember these party politics. I wish I had been more firm about not inviting "friends" (who weren't actually close friends) to my DCs parties whose parents brought along unruly siblings who joined in anyway and ruined things. Or that we knew they were mardy and would ruin the party (watch out for that during teenage year parties- don't invite the 'mardy teen' who refuses to join in planned activities!!) ... It would have been so much less stress.