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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

288 replies

MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 07:43

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 12/03/2022 08:42

You know that a random child could always barge into a party and disturb it? It is a public place after all.

Don’t invite Sarah. It sounds like she’s better off not believing your DD, who is willing to punish her for her brother’s behaviour, is her friend.

Yabvvu to consider asking a parent to not take their child into a public venue. Get over yourself. She’s most certainly aware of her child’s behaviour and him not having friends, etc. Don’t add to the judgement.

HikingforScenery · 12/03/2022 08:43

Maybe you can host it in one of those places where you can fully hire. Then there’s no risk of the brother joining.

PinkNails1 · 12/03/2022 08:45

Your options are:

  1. Don’t invite Sarah, but don’t make it obvious. Eg. Cut the invite list in half.
  1. Change the venue to a place not open to the public so John can’t interrupt the girls.
  1. Make the invite clearly state “girls only” and hope that John won’t turn up (he probably will).
Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 08:47

@HikingforScenery

You know that a random child could always barge into a party and disturb it? It is a public place after all.

Don’t invite Sarah. It sounds like she’s better off not believing your DD, who is willing to punish her for her brother’s behaviour, is her friend.

Yabvvu to consider asking a parent to not take their child into a public venue. Get over yourself. She’s most certainly aware of her child’s behaviour and him not having friends, etc. Don’t add to the judgement.

Confused
OP posts:
LimeSupper · 12/03/2022 08:48

@MarianosOnHisWay so OP’s daughter should just put up with behaviour that makes her uncomfortable at her own birthday party because the mum shouldn’t feel judged?

thedefinitionofmadness · 12/03/2022 08:48

Poor John

Option 3

Or, do something else.

SiobhanSharpe · 12/03/2022 08:49

I think you're going to have to have a word with the Mum and say the party girls just want to bounce on their own/without boys and if she does bring him along could he go on a different trampoline.

ElegantlyTouched · 12/03/2022 08:51

Do you know any teens who could go in with a friend to keep an eye on them, and redirect John / come and fetch you if he disrupts the party? Seems unfair for your dd to have to leave the fun to get you, and John might be less inclined to interfere if he knows someone is keeping an eye on him.

HappyAsASandboy · 12/03/2022 08:51

How many are you inviting? Could you start the party at your house and you drive the kids to the trampolining, then back to your house for a bit before pick up?

Or you could just to the above for Sarah and one other girl? That way the twins mum is dropping off at your house not the bounce place.

Skyeheather · 12/03/2022 08:53

Invite Sarah and accept that John will be there too. Whenever we go to the soft play there is always one rough, badly behaved little kid there not being watched by their parent, even if John doesn't go there could easily be another equally as bad kid there. John won't be in the party room so at least your daughter will escape him for that part of the party.

FreeButtonBee · 12/03/2022 08:55

Could you offer to pick the girl up and drop her h home? That way you can’t avoid the boy coming to the party venue at all?

Lalliella · 12/03/2022 08:55

Offer Sarah a lift and say to the mum that you’ve noticed she always has to bring John with her so this time you’re saving her the bother!

Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 12/03/2022 08:56

All of this beating round the bush covert operations stuff….

“DD would love to have Sarah join her and the other girls at the trampoline place for her party. It’s a girls only party, though I appreciate it is a public venue so there will be other bouncers. If you need to bring John (I know childcare can be tricky), you will need to supervise him separately please as he won’t be part of DDs girls group”.

Then if he goes to the girls, and bothers them, you just say to the Mum “please go and deal with John, as I said, he unfortunately has not been invited as part of the girls group”.

For added reinforcement say to the bouncing stewards that your DDs party is girls only- maybe make them wear the same colour, then they will also know if anyone is harassing and gate crashing the group.

TheirTheyre · 12/03/2022 08:58

Can you maybe arrange to pick up and drop off Sarah? If all else fails, teach your daughter she is allowed to hit back in self defence and then come and get you to deal with the aftermath. You can’t stop him being there after all. You could say on invite it’s girls birthday party or something, but might not work. Have you spoken to the mum? Maybe she struggles with John and uses these occasions to get herself 5 minutes break? It can be hard with twins, they do tend to get bunches together from birth as there’s really not much other options!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/03/2022 08:58

Option 3 and report to mum if he is being too rough.

JaninaDuszejko · 12/03/2022 08:59

Talk to John and Sarah's mum and tell her that while your daughter would like to invite Sarah unfortunately she doesn't want John there. Tell her that is because he is violent and in particular has tried to strangle girls (this is particularly shocking and concerning) and has used bad language at previous parties. Tell her that it is up to her, Sarah will be the only girl in the class not invited unless she as their mother can guarantee she will not take John. The mother will probably hate you forever but her son's behaviour is completely unacceptable and she needs the consequences of that spelt out to her. Think of it as a being the fall guy for the rest of the class. If you don't want to do that (which is fair enough, you need to be pretty confident and robust to do it) then sort out a lift for Sarah or don't invite her or change the venue.

FWIW DD1 had lovely boy-girl twins in her class who were often invited as a pair and by years 4/5 the boy didn't want to go to the girls' parties at all so the problem will gone soon.

Sswhinesthebest · 12/03/2022 08:59

I should imagine that John doesnt get invited to many of the boys parties either if he’s that bad.

Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 09:00

@HappyAsASandboy

How many are you inviting? Could you start the party at your house and you drive the kids to the trampolining, then back to your house for a bit before pick up?

Or you could just to the above for Sarah and one other girl? That way the twins mum is dropping off at your house not the bounce place.

16 girls from the class, younger DD and three cousins so 20 total
OP posts:
LimeSupper · 12/03/2022 09:01

“ Maybe she struggles with John and uses these occasions to get herself 5 minutes break? ”

That’s not really fair though because it’s another child’s birthday party and his behaviour is upsetting them. The mum should either be on the ball, watching him properly and intervening as necessary OR take him to another soft play place/ park where she can have her five minutes break?!

Baaaa · 12/03/2022 09:02

@HikingforScenery

You know that a random child could always barge into a party and disturb it? It is a public place after all.

Don’t invite Sarah. It sounds like she’s better off not believing your DD, who is willing to punish her for her brother’s behaviour, is her friend.

Yabvvu to consider asking a parent to not take their child into a public venue. Get over yourself. She’s most certainly aware of her child’s behaviour and him not having friends, etc. Don’t add to the judgement.

Way to teach girls they don't have to put up with shit....
HostaFireAndIce · 12/03/2022 09:02

Personally, unless DD is particulary bothered, I would invite 8 girls from the class, not including Sarah!

Baaaa · 12/03/2022 09:03

@HikingforScenery and OP is trying to think how best to avoid having this known strangler annoy all the girls. I think it's great she is considering her options and I hope OP stands up for the girls at the party.

nearlyspringyay · 12/03/2022 09:03

I've got twins. I'd love them to get separate invites. They're not homogenous.

Andacherryonthetop · 12/03/2022 09:04

Could Sarah and maybe another girl come to yours before the party for some cake/popcorn or something. Then Sarah will be happy to have been chosen for this and you can give her a lift to the party and tell mum she can either collect Sarah from trampoline place or from yours later on?

Ducksurprise · 12/03/2022 09:04

@HikingforScenery

You know that a random child could always barge into a party and disturb it? It is a public place after all.

Don’t invite Sarah. It sounds like she’s better off not believing your DD, who is willing to punish her for her brother’s behaviour, is her friend.

Yabvvu to consider asking a parent to not take their child into a public venue. Get over yourself. She’s most certainly aware of her child’s behaviour and him not having friends, etc. Don’t add to the judgement.

waves hi John's mum

Random children tend to barge once, John will continue as he knows them.