It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

Why would parents stay????
Make the invite clear its a drop off party and siblings arent invited.

What a cheeky cow that mum

@Marvellousmadness

Why would parents stay???? Make the invite clear its a drop off party and siblings arent invited.

What a cheeky cow that mum

A) It's a trampoline party and parents have to sign a waiver
B) the twins mother doesn't drive so it would be easier to stay
C) OP says there have been a lot of these parties and the parents always stay and go to the cafe
D) because she wants her boy to go to the trampoline park

@Marvellousmadness

Why would parents stay???? Make the invite clear its a drop off party and siblings arent invited.

What a cheeky cow that mum

Why wouldn't you read the OPs posts before constructing your own, irrelevant narrative.

Parents can be amazingly cheeky, @Marvellousmadness. Just recently I took DD to a party similar to what the OPs planning, a public trampoline place with a private food area for later. It wasn't a whole class thing, I think 8 children were invited. One mother took exception to her child not being invited (out of a class of twenty eight so twenty were not invited) so she brought both of her children, the child in the class and an older sibling, paid for them to go in then encouraged them to play with the party group. The children obviously all played together paying no heed because they're only six.

She then hung around when party mum called the invited children into the food room which is separate to the bouncing bit and stood with us invited parents in the cafe next to the party room with her children making out like she was just passing time of day with us having a coffee when she was clearly waiting for her children to be asked to go and join the others. It was so awkward. Fair play to the party mum though she just ignored it and shut the door.

Additionally I have just organised my child's party, and despite writing politely on the invitations that sorry we cannot accommodate siblings I've had seven parents out of thirty contact me to ask if they can bring them, including one wanting to bring a nine year old to a six year olds soft play party where the guests will be aged between three and six! We've hired the whole venue specifically because we don't want older bigger kids crashing around the younger ones. No!!

I'd definitely opt for the close friends from both sides. My dd had a party with limited numbers, we could choose lots from school or mix of school and cousins etc. Ended up with closest 8 from school and another 8 from outside.

People are cheeky.
The only way to keep control of it is to either have a private venue or to have a ‘drop and go’ approach.

Once you’re in a public location and especially if food etc is in a public area instead of a private room, you really cannot control who is there.

Being clear and firm is important….unless you really don’t mind crashers. But if you do, the worst thing is to allow it and stay silent and seethe. Address the issue.

• Say ‘sorry but no siblings’ on the invitation
• If someone then asks anyway, say ‘sorry, but no’ Either no space, or that you are really trying to keep this as a party for the specific age group ir age group/gender/ just the friends.
• If they turn up with siblings after the invitation said none, approach and have a quiet word ‘I can see you’ve brought X. Just wanted to be clear with you so you can manage their expectations - there won’t be any food or party bags for them. It really is a party for X age group/gender/friends, so if you wouldn’t mind letting X and the guests enjoy it without sibling, that would be much appreciated’

It’s hard to say this stuff. It’s not so hard if you’ve expressed clearly that the party isn’t for siblings from the word go. And of course, you need to be sure that you yourself hasn’t previously taken siblings - no-one likes hypocrisy.

For those who let siblings come along, who then experience John behaviour - I really would be going up to the parent and saying ‘Did you just see what John did? I’d really appreciate it if you could have a word with him - the way he’s behaving is spoiling X’s birthday treat. Perhaps you could ask him to stay with you and not interfere with those invited to the party’. Sometimes you have to spell it out very clearly so there can zero doubt in people minds or excuses.

If you aren’t willing to make things clear, there’s less to complain about. But this is what happens with so many people - they don’t communicate their expectations clearly enough and the quietly seethe about the behaviour of others.

My daughter was once grabbed by the hair and shoved against the wall at her own Birthday party - by an eight year old........GIRL!!!!!

@Happymum12345

The boy is 8. He’s not an 18 thug abusing woman. He’s an 8 year old boy. Let’s get some perspective on this. There is a horrible war going on and people are questioning whether to ask a CHILD to a party or not.

He's well on his way by the sound of it.

He’s not an 18 thug abusing woman. He’s an 8 year old boy.

The victims of his behaviour are also 8 years old. Are they not entitled to consideration?

@Ducksurprise 😂😂😂
Thankfully, my children would never behave like that in a million years.

@Happymum12345

The boy is 8. He’s not an 18 thug abusing woman. He’s an 8 year old boy. Let’s get some perspective on this. There is a horrible war going on and people are questioning whether to ask a CHILD to a party or not.

There's a war in so if 8 year old boys are hurting 8 year old girls purposely that's fine? What's your age limit for putting up with male violence because another male is being more violent in Ukraine?

Either yourself or dh go in to bounce as well if the brother appears. Then you can squash any bad behaviour

Under the circumstances I'd go for inviting the wider range of friends with fewer from the class.
Sarah's not a close friend and it keeps John out of the equation.

If Sarah was a closer friend, I'd probably go for pointing it out to mum everytime John was interfering with the party group and make it very difficult to ignore his behaviour.

I never get the 'whole class' thing or 'all the girls/boys'. Why invite children yours aren't really friends with? Is it for the gifts?
What is wrong with good friends only?

Anyway, beside the point...

You cannot invite 15 girls and leave one out. That's cruel.
You also cannot control which members of the public are at a public place.
How about instead of all this angst over what MIGHT happen you make is crystal clear that John is not part of the party. I assume you'll be watching them at all times? Simply do not accept ANY signs of upset from John. If that means you tell him to move away from the party guests or remind his mother to keep him away, then do that. If it is such a problem for your child, why wouldn't you?
What are you going to do if any of the many other children there act as you believe John will? If some random boy, or girl for that matter, acts this way?
Protect your kid or don't but there really is no need for it to be such a huge drama 🤷‍♀️

Protect your kid or don't but there really is no need for it to be such a huge drama 🤷‍♀️

^ What? Posting on a parenting forum and getting other perspectives is hardly huge drama. If it winds you up don't think MN is for you.

I would not be inviting Sarah. And in order to avoid the singling her out issue, which is unfair on Sarah and will impact class dynamics in a way that will almost certainly be negative for everyone in the class including your DD, I would alter the guest list so it isn't all the girls in the class.

We had a similar-ish situation last year where my kids (who happen to be twins in the same class) wanted an all class party except for one kid who is a bully to them in school. We ended up cutting back on numbers and making it a smaller affair so they could exclude him without it being pointed.

Why 10 pages in are people still telling the OP to give Sarah a lift or tell the mum it’s a drop off party?! If you cba reading the whole thread, at least read the OP’s posts!

I see this from both perspectives. I absolutely agree that girls are being programmed in an insidious way from tiny to excuse boys' bad behaviour as something they need to tolerate because "be kind". And I have two girls who have often been the girls to be sat with the boisterous boy to calm them down, to their own detriment.

I also have a boisterous boy - he has ADHD. And sometimes he is overbearing and seemingly obnoxious and bossy. Underneath it he is the most anxious child possible, who can only cope in situations where he needs to be in control. And he pays the price for this socially, he isn't massively popular in his class and rarely gets asked to parties and play dates.

However, when he is invited, I spend a lot of time beforehand to minimise the anxiety by telling him and showing him (where possible), where he is going, what it looks like, what the plan is, who is going and what he will be eating. I also go over expected behaviour multiple times. I am explicit about what is and isn't appropriate. Most of the time he copes and is socially acceptable to NT people. (He explodes at home because he is like a coke bottle that has been shaken all day, but we manage that). But sometimes he isn't ok. He is now 10 so any parties tend to be drop off. I am open about his ADHD and I tell the host what to expect and that I will be nearby if there are problems, or offer to stay and supervise him myself. Thankfully most parents have been kind and there haven't been any issues.

However, it sounds from your description that John could well have additional needs - maybe they haven't been identified or diagnosed. But I can relate to sitting on my own on my phone, not wanting to engage and wanting 5 minutes of peace and hoping it's not my child causing the scene - again.

I don't think your daughter needs to be in a situation where she needs to deal with John on her birthday. It sounds like there is a solution whereby Sarah isn't invited and will never know that she was the subject of so much controversy.

But to all the posters, please don't be so scathing about being in John's mum's shoes until you have walked in them. It is utterly exhausting and lonely, often soul destroying. I cannot tell you the number of times I have had to deal with my 10 year old hitting me, breaking things and telling me to eff off in private. We have a robust behaviour plan in place, and we are totally on it in public. But I have, many times, sat there and wished I didn't have to be so switched on and alert to any possibility of a melt down. And 95% of the time in public he behaves as any other 10 year old would. So people aren't aware that he has ADHD, just that he's quite lively. But all of that comes at a massive cost to him and to us as a family.

@Pheasantplucker2 I agree with many of points in your post wholeheartedly. I have an autistic child who masks so well that most people don't realise. It is hard.

But. Regardless of how tired I am, how fed up I am of being on high alert, how much I wish I could just child my child in the doorway of a party and dash off with no worries like everyone else seems to be able to - there is no excuse, none for sitting disengaged and not engaged whilst your child hurts other people.

I am lucky that mine doesn't lash out at anyone other than me and her Dad (and I do appreciate that) she meltsdown and is overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. But if this child does have additional needs it's up to his mum to manage him appropriately and I'm afraid I do judge her harshly for sitting on her backside on her phone whilst he runs riot. It's not ok.

I totally agree @whatafuckingjoke - John’s mum needs to be on it and it’s not ok for him to be hurting anyone. To be clear, I never let my son do that and remove him from the scene as soon as I sense he’s getting overwhelmed.

I just wanted to express another side to all this hate for John’s mum. A lot of parents of ND kids are themselves often undiagnosed ND and struggling to cope. Again, not to excuse the lack of intervention but to give a different perspective.

In summary, fine to place a boundary of no physical harm, but just understand that there might be other things going on underneath that aren’t obvious. And fwiw, she will know the depth of feeling towards John. She may not be able to acknowledge it but she will know his behaviour isn’t ok.

Option 4 is go ahead as planned but be by the trampolines yourself if he turns up and tell him off yourself/ threaten to call the staff over if anything happens.
I had to do this with DS1 at about that age with a child who had had a very difficult start in life, was being fostered and who other parents left out of invites. I wouldn’t do that but I did sit next to him at the table and stop him hitting other kids with a balloon etc . I did wonder why on earth his mother never stayed because she knew what his behaviour was like.

Option three

He may be boisterous but he's a little kid.
Dont be so childish and teach your child to be nice and inclusive

The thing is by picking a public place and as they are twins you know that this mum will bring John too. And he'll join in the party. I would either invite less girls and not Sarah to avoid that, as she isn't a BFF close friend and DD doesn't want John to come

If you invite a couple girls from different place you know them from it won't be all the class girls & you can justify that you have limited numbers

Your DD has already said she is worried about inviting Sarah so she clearly doesn't want john there.

I wouldn't be saying anything to johns mum though if you do invite Sarah as there's no way to keep him away from the free for all birthday run around play area without saying something that sounds like you are criticising mum and John.

So I'd bite the bullet and rethink who you invite. Twins often do come as a package - twin politics!- and mum is paying for him herself so in her mind she's doing nothing unkind.

@rebekuh

Option three

He may be boisterous but he's a little kid.
Dont be so childish and teach your child to be nice and inclusive

Or, his parents could teach him not to pull off other kids glasses and strangle them, rather than expecting little girls to "be nice" and put up with it.

From some of the posts on here I can see why some people turn into complete doormats. Why on earth should the OP’s daughter a) not have the party she wants and b) be forced into amending the guest list because of the poor behaviour of one child. A smaller party might work if she’s happy with that but it is unfair. I certainly wouldn’t be inviting John and one of his friends along knowing the CF mother would bring him anyway as some posters have suggested.

OP the only thing I was going to suggest is you listed climbing as a possibility. That would probably be a bit more controlled as assume you’d have a proper instructor there supervising in a way that the trampoline park wouldn’t.

I’m not doing a whole class party this year because I’ve been appalled at some of the behaviour I’ve seen from the boys at other parties and I don’t want to be responsible for that or risk it spoiling my daughter’s party. Parties aren’t a public service. While I wouldn’t exclude 1/2 children, there shouldn’t be an expectation that you can just rock up, let your kids go feral with no consideration of the birthday child’s enjoyment.