It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

I would not invite Sarah. Her mum needs a wake up call about her son!

@Happymum12345

Invite Sarah. If her brother comes too, that’s ok. Be kind and welcoming.

@Happymum12345

As PPS are telling you, this is a terrible lesson - especially for a girl. It’s a party, the OPs daughter is entitled to protect the invite list, and no - she does not have to be kind and welcoming to an unwanted guest. The OP does not want to teach her daughter to be a voiceless dormat.

@Forshorttheycallmecomp

Invite Sarah and say to mum “if it makes it easier, happy to take Sarah for you and then you can have some 1:1 time with John”.

But otherwise 3.

This. I would specifically offer to pick up and supervise Sarah for the mum.

Oh yeh the difficult deprived area speaks volumes OP so judgmental

The simple fact is you cannot invite children to a public place and dictate who can go to the same public place. If you want exclusivity have it somewhere without public access.

John has form for strangling others and it is your DDs party. I would tell the mother straight, he isn't to be there.

She can rock up with him and you can repeatedly tell her and him to move away from the girls.

I dont get this twins have to do everything together. They are separate people.

I would speak to Sarah's mum and offer to take the girl twin. You could word it "Would you like me to take Sarah? Then you can do something nice with John"

@MarianosOnHisWay

The twist (drip feed but but not really drip feed?!) to all this is that I’m actually a primary school teacher myself, I teach year 4 in a difficult, deprived area and am very experienced in dealing with behaviour issues amongst the children as well as talking to parents about their children’s behaviour. However, this is a totally different sphere and I obviously can’t treat the party goers as I would my class at school and I don’t want to embarrass my DD! I try to keep a low profile amongst the class parents and not use my “teacher voice” in public. I sometimes have to bite my tongue very hard!

Use your special skills !!

If you have to use your mean teacher voice on John and his mum gets offended/embarrassed so they no longer accept party invitations from you, that sounds like a win-win situation.

Just tell your DD not to worry, if John turns up and is being silly, you'll sort it out. Then talk to the mum. If the behaviour continues, ask them to leave the party.

Don't say the line about allowing some 1:1 time with John. It sounds horribly patronising and the chances are she doesn't want 1:1 time with him, hence she pays for him to bounce too!

Don't exclude sarah. Don't try and police what the mum can do and who she brings to a public place. Do empathise with your daughter: ie the show must go on, you will have fun and less than ideal situations can't always be erased but, as her mum, you will deal with it. Eg when he's being rough you'll tell him / alert the mum.

How can the OP ask someone to leave a party when it’s not a party it’s a public place

@Faevern

Oh yeh the difficult deprived area speaks volumes OP so judgmental

The simple fact is you cannot invite children to a public place and dictate who can go to the same public place. If you want exclusivity have it somewhere without public access.

How is it judgemental? It’s a fact. We get the local authority data pack with the schools ranked using the IMD (index of multiple deprivation) which includes data such as free school meal entitlement, parental employment figures and childhood obesity figures from the reception height and weight check. My school is the second most deprived in the local authority on the IMD. We have many difficult issues. Over 60% of my class are in receipt of free school meals, 25% are on child protection plans. We have parents banned from the yard for verbally abusing staff. On Friday I had to speak to a parent and child as the child had said he wished “all the teachers in this school would fucking die”. I don’t wish to derail this thread. But please do not call me judgmental. I have worked at my school for over 10 years. I love my kids and work hard every day to show them they have chances and opportunities. I have high expectations for them all, in terms of their behaviour as well as their school work. However, my own daughter’s birthday party, a fun, social occasion, isn’t really where I want to be dealing with other children’s behaviour.

@B0J0ker

Maybe John behaves badly because he's jealous that his twin gets to go to the party rooms and all the extra he doesn't get? Perhaps it's just 'acting out' because he doesn't understand his own emotions.

So I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest inviting John AND another boy that he also likes and would play well with. Or chat to mum and suggest she does takes a friend for him - explain that DD just wants girls there, but you understand that it's hard with boy/girl twins when one gets to do something really fun. Or offer Sarah a lift there and back so mum/John don't have to go.

I realise this might not be affordable but it might just mean that John - who'll undoubtedly be there anyway - behaves better.

It is really hard with twins, far harder than ordinary siblings I think because they are so, so close.

John strangles little girls at parties. John is a nasty bully. I don’t give a shit if John feels left out, there’s no excuse for that kind of behaviour. Telling little girls that they have to put up with being attacked by thugs so that they don’t hurt the thug’s feelings is a dangerous dangerous message.

Invite Sarah but offer to collect her and drop her home after.

@B0J0ker

Maybe John behaves badly because he's jealous that his twin gets to go to the party rooms and all the extra he doesn't get? Perhaps it's just 'acting out' because he doesn't understand his own emotions.

So I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest inviting John AND another boy that he also likes and would play well with. Or chat to mum and suggest she does takes a friend for him - explain that DD just wants girls there, but you understand that it's hard with boy/girl twins when one gets to do something really fun. Or offer Sarah a lift there and back so mum/John don't have to go.

I realise this might not be affordable but it might just mean that John - who'll undoubtedly be there anyway - behaves better.

It is really hard with twins, far harder than ordinary siblings I think because they are so, so close.

Oh this could work - maybe even invite a 2-3 boys from her class so they all have an option.

Boys are sometimes rougher or like this sort of play.

OP. I like your idea of inviting 8-9 girls from the class. Not Sarah (if DD is not close). Then a handful from the other year class and her outside of school friends. Bish bosh!

So it's a two form entry and there's kids in the other class she likes too. But you're only inviting females she currently shares a classroom with.

Get her to invite 12-15 friends from either class and either sex

Being a public trampoline venue there is just no way to keep him separate if she's paid for him to bounce. He will be free to bounce everywhere including with the girls. Even if you keep saying to the mum, please keep John away he wasn't invited...he can still bounce all round the squares.

I'd reduce the guest down by half and not invite Sarah if John comes tomorrow. Unfortunately they'll have to get used to this; if John's behaviour continues they'll stop getting invites because they've got a shit mum.

A boy-girl twin mum here too, 8 year olds

Girls only or boys only parties are fine at this age, just make it very clear on the invitation.

They twins just enjoy sharing gossip when they come home from their separate parties

You can’t exclude Sarah, that would be cruel. You also can’t ask the mum not to bring John to a public facility that anyone has a right to go to.

I’d just expect John to turn up too then have a word with his mum if he starts hurting/upsetting the kids.

I think the only option is to offer to give Sarah a lift. You can’t really say ‘John can’t come’ because it is a public place and if she wants to pay for John to go trampolining there’s nothing you can do. You could recommend on the invite that parents drop and go but there’s no saying she will agree to that.

What does your daughter want more-to invite all the girls in her class or go to the trampoline place?

All class/all girls from class were never a thing for us & they couldn't have been afforded at a place like this anyway.

You invited who you really wanted as there was always a limit!

It’s not cruel to not invite Sarah if Sarah’s mums choices have a negative impact on the child whose party it actually is.

The lack of invite would be because of Sarah’s mum, not because of OPs daughter.

I’m just a bit of a wuss and don’t want to cause conflict and ill-feeling. I mean John’s mum must obviously know what he’s like. I’ll probably be more likely to take the “Ooh John please be careful, we don’t want anyone to get hurt!” With a pointed look at Mum

That's (quite rightly) your choice to make, OP, but do remember that it is a choice

Personally I'd tell the mum that John can't come, and as diplomatically as possible I'd tell her why

I think that might be more difficult at trampoline places because the policy might be one parent per child/set of siblings. I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone else's 7/8 year old at one of these places.

Not sure about that. We went to one at that age and we were the only parents who stayed (we have no option to drop and go)

It is a public place and if she wants to pay for John to go trampolining there’s nothing you can do

In theory this is true, but since the mum's already got another child who doesn't attend these things I'd hope she'd keep John home

If not, maybe the answer's to have someone else on hand who could remove John and take him back to his mum every single time trouble started