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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

288 replies

MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 07:43

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

OP posts:
Haudyourwheesht · 12/03/2022 07:58

But it sounds like John's mum does not intervene so he's going to make everyone miserable.

Why not report him to staff if he is too rough? Just leave his mum out of it and treat him like any other member of the public?

Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 07:59

As others have said- there’s a policy of bouncers under 16 needing an adult on premises.

As to changing the venue- DD would like her party to be there. I can’t think of what alternative venue she would have. There are three similar options- one trampoline one, one bouncy one and one climbing one- all have members of the public too. An exclusive hire place would maybe be a church hall? But then that’s a different type of party and not what she wants.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 12/03/2022 08:00

Offer a lift to Sarah, or invite Sarah, and if John starts being boisterous, get the mum to intervene immediately (which she should be doing without prompting anyway).

MerryMarigold · 12/03/2022 08:00

@DemBonesDemBones

Have you confirmed with the trampoline place how many you are allowed to invite/supervise? This might be very easy to solve if you're only allowed to supervise 5, for example.
You cannot supervise in these places. They are usually dark and huge, sometimes several floors. My son had his school leaver thing at one so there were 60 kids from his school plus public (actually some other leaver events). There are usually quite a number of trampoline staff but they are often teenagers.

OP, I would invite Sarah and offer to give her a lift to save Mum driving. I have b/g twins and may well have done this for some entertainment for both of them but because they can't bear to be apart of insist on being treated the same. If someone offered a lift it would be great as I could do something else with other twin. You need an answer if she says, "it's ok, I'll bring John too." And here you could say your DD is worried he'll join the girls in the trampoline park and she wants girls- only in her group.

RampantIvy · 12/03/2022 08:03

@BigSandyBalls2015

And why do parents stay at that age!
Because of the policy of under 16's requiring a responsible adult to stay. It is a trampoline place, not a village hall.
Ducksurprise · 12/03/2022 08:06

Invite John - who'll undoubtedly be there anyway - behaves better

Or more likely he will ruin the food part as well.

Regards why do they stay, I've always stayed at trampoline parties, I have seen some dreadful injuries and have administered first aid on four occasions (on three of the occasions the centre first aiders were terrifyingly useless)

JustPlainKnackered · 12/03/2022 08:09

I'd specify it's a drop off / collect at this time party, hope this works. Otherwise, I'd risk the boy coming too but step in if he bothers the party invitees. Hopefully his mum would stop and think about her choices then. Good luck.

Dentistqn · 12/03/2022 08:10

I was also going to suggest offer to take Sarah. Say something like, “I know it’ll be tricky getting there and back with the twins, so we’d love to take Sarah with us and bring her home again. It’ll be an extra treat for DD to spend more time with her friend on her birthday!”

SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/03/2022 08:10

Offer to pick Sarah up on the way.

PeacefulPrune · 12/03/2022 08:12

Option 3

MerryMarigold · 12/03/2022 08:12

As others have said- there’s a policy of bouncers under 16 needing an adult on premises.

What, one adult per child? I have 3 kids and I've taken multiple groups of up to 6 kids as that's how many I can fit in my car!

Baaaa · 12/03/2022 08:13

Don't invite him and a friend? That sends completely the wrong message to your daughter. I'd go with option 3.

BastilleBastille · 12/03/2022 08:13

Whatever you do, please don’t not invite Sarah.

At 29 years of age I have never forgotten being the only girl in the class not invited to a birthday party when I was 8. I never knew why I wasn’t invited to this one party in particular. It was just this one party. She would probably wonder forevermore what she did so wrong to be left out.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 12/03/2022 08:16

Option 4 - different venue!

When mine were younger there was a soft play place that you could hire out for disco parties and it was THE place to book a party. Especially around year 3 age. John definitely want to go to a girls disco party.

Plus kids are constantly breaking bones at those bounce places anyway.

Baaaa · 12/03/2022 08:17

And you shouldn't have to book another venue just because he's a pain. That again is a terrible message to send your daughter.

legalseagull · 12/03/2022 08:18

Even if he comes, he's not part of the party and not your problem. I'd invite Sarah and keep a stern eye on him. IF he does anything at the party tell the mum to deal with it.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/03/2022 08:19

i. invite a group of her friends potentially mixed sex whom she actually likes
ii. Say to Sarah's Mom you know she normally ends up having to come along and bring Damien so you're happy to pick and drop Sarah. But honestly she prob takes him to make her life easier if he's such hard work
iii. Tell Mom EVERY TIME that he's playing up. It's totally not ok for parents to just ignore the behaviour because it's awkward to mention her son strangling their daughter

waterrat · 12/03/2022 08:20

Invite Sarah and state very clearly parents are not to come. From year 3 this would be normal

Say you will take any children who need a lift. At some point Sarah's mum needs to stop doing this as they grow older

Halllyup17 · 12/03/2022 08:20

I think I'd be honest with the mum. Just say that she finds John's behaviour overwhelming and she'd rather he wasn't in the vicinity of the party, but she'd like to invite Sarah. Offer a lift for Sarah if needed, and it might even make mum more responsive to John's boisterousness.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 12/03/2022 08:20

You can’t not invite Sarah and you can’t police who goes in to a public venue.

John’s mother is probably brings him because she wants a break from his awful behaviour- however don’t allow this to become your problem. The girls need to report all bad behaviour to you and then you raise it with John’s mum. If the girls speak direct to John’s mum she will likely brush it off. If a parent speaks to her she is more likely to feel obliged to actually deal with him.

gunnersgold · 12/03/2022 08:21

Offer to take Sarah yourself so mum doesn't have to come !

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/03/2022 08:23

@B0J0ker

Maybe John behaves badly because he's jealous that his twin gets to go to the party rooms and all the extra he doesn't get? Perhaps it's just 'acting out' because he doesn't understand his own emotions.

So I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest inviting John AND another boy that he also likes and would play well with. Or chat to mum and suggest she does takes a friend for him - explain that DD just wants girls there, but you understand that it's hard with boy/girl twins when one gets to do something really fun. Or offer Sarah a lift there and back so mum/John don't have to go.

I realise this might not be affordable but it might just mean that John - who'll undoubtedly be there anyway - behaves better.

It is really hard with twins, far harder than ordinary siblings I think because they are so, so close.

Except OP has heard from her DD that John isn’t that well behaved at school either. So he isn’t just acting up at a party because he’s jealous.
Chakraleaf · 12/03/2022 08:23

Invite Sarah and offer to take her

Sally872 · 12/03/2022 08:23

Not inviting Sarah can't be an option.

Speak to the mum ideally to offer a lift to Sarah so John doesn't come and if that doesn't work then say can you keep an eye on John if you are taking him bouncing as last time he was a bit too rough for my dd and she is a bit nervous about same situation again.

Original poster
MarianosOnHisWay · 12/03/2022 08:23

@MerryMarigold

As others have said- there’s a policy of bouncers under 16 needing an adult on premises.

What, one adult per child? I have 3 kids and I've taken multiple groups of up to 6 kids as that's how many I can fit in my car!

Well no, not per child, but I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable being responsible for other parents’ children at a venue where possibility of injuries is high. As I say these parties have been popular this year and parents have always stayed.

We have one car with two belts in back and will have me and DP plus DD (the birthday girl) and younger DD, so not sure I could offer a lift. The twins’ mum doesn’t drive and has arrived at past parties by metro. Thinking about it now they also have a younger sister who isn’t brought along so it must be a “twin left out” thing rather than a childcare thing.

I know it sounds like I’m finding obstacles to suggestions! I just don’t know what to do. I think whatever option (including offering a lift) says to the mum (and by extension to John) “we don’t want you there”… which is true but sounds so harsh!

I think what will probably end up happening is we’ll invite Sarah and John will come along anyway too and I’ll tell DD to try and keep away from him in the bouncing part and to come and tell us if any incidents occur Sad

OP posts: